Implimented Your Advice, need adittional critique

[igorhelpsyousucceed]

Hey Warriors,

first of let me just say thanks for the advice
you gave me the first time I submitted my copy for
review.

Now, I have implimented your advice, in addition advice
of my fellow copywriter and I would like another opinion.

http://igorhelpsyousucceed.com/letter2headline1

Please be specific, thanks!

Igor

[Hesster]

Just some thoughts from a newb. You still have a lot of fluff you need to cut out, and there's too many "I" statements and not enough "you" statements.

A sales letter should focus squarely on what the product can do for the reader. No one reading the letter is going to care that you lost 25 pounds or improved your social life. You're not selling a weight loss or improve your social life product, so why mention it?

They also don't care that you're only 20. Unless you've gone to the pains of pointing it out, over the internet no one is going to know anyway. One thing though, unless you're an established authority to your audience selling a product that you're an acknowledged expert on (think Tiger Woods selling a golf product or Bill Dance selling a bass fishing product) no one is going to care about you as a person or your opinion.

If you really want to talk about yourself and what you went through to make the product, take that stuff out of the letter and make an 'about me' link that appears in a small popup window that the user can read and then close without leaving your letter.

You've got to invite Bart Simpson into your head. After every single statement, imagine Bart going, "So what? Who cares? What's in it for me?" Every line of your sales letter should be devoted answering those questions. Once you've answered those questions, then imagine Bart going, "OK, now prove it."

[igorhelpsyousucceed]

Thanks,

More suggestions?

Igor

[Loren Woirhaye]

Lead with "Just $1" - people will leave because they think
you want $97... for an "ebook?"

Gah. (they think) "what a ripoff, this guy wants $97 for
a ebook - what the hell is that? I've never spent more
than $30 for a book and he wants triple?"

See?

You elicit an objection in your headline.

Your ecover is boxy and makes your product look like a 400-page
tome. Is that your intention?

Lotta work to be done here. I don't think you've got the right appeal.

Read Robert Collier's "Letter Book" - that will help you - if you are
absolutely determined to be your own copywriter.

[MonsterZero]

I don't get this...

At first it seemed absurd. Why would I want to attract a car
accident or debt? That was one of the reasons a lot of people
didn’t believe it. Thank God, I wasn’t one of them! I was strongly
inspired by this movie, which led to some major breakthroughs in
my life.

So you simultaneously thought the idea was absurd ... but thank God you weren't someone who didn't believe it?

You need to resolve this contradiction.

But the bigger problem is that you're selling something that people are going to be naturally suspicious about. It's going to take a truckload of credibility to overcome these doubts -- not just in the way of proof, but also a believable explanation for WHY all of this works.

[igorhelpsyousucceed]

Thanks guys.

Igor