Sales page critique

[Shlomi Khutoretsky]

Hi Copy masters,

Can i get a critique for my copy?

Here it is:

Giveaway Master Plan

Thank you for your help,

Shlomi

[BrianMcLeod]

Did you write this yourself, Shlomi?

[Shlomi Khutoretsky]

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

Did you write this yourself, Shlomi?

lol, it goes like that,

First i used a swipe copy for writing the story, then gave it to a friend to fix my errors, then added more content to it and at the end another friend helped me fix it again. so i guess that i wrote big bunch of it.

Why are u asking?

is it good? bad?

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by Shlomi Khutoretsky

Hi Copy masters,

Can i get a critique for my copy?

Here it is:

Giveaway Master Plan

Thank you for your help,

Shlomi

Hey Shlomi,

It looks as though you have the basics down, but I think I would change a few things. Personally, I wouldn't use the word "moron". If you like you can use these suggestions.



Want to explode your subscriber list?...

"Discover The Amazing List Building
Secrets That Will Increase Your Subscribers
Literally...In A Few Hours"

The quick and easy step by step guide
reveals how to explode your list
even with zero experience

Dear friend,

Did you know that you could virtually have thousands of dollars of "hidden money" in your bank account right now?. Yes, it's true.

Let me explain. I have discovered a secret method of how to get masses of hot prospects to get on your subscribers list... no matter what your niche is.

How did I do this?. Actually, it was quite simple. I'm serious, I've found a way to drive hot, responding, easy to monetize subscribers to your list.

Here are just a few of the valuable tricks and tips you will discover...

- The single most important secret to building a hot list of good

cash spending prospects, this one secret can add thousands of
dollars to your bank account in just a few weeks.

- How to avoid the number one mistake that almost every one makes
when trying to build a list, this one tip will save you hours of your
time and thousands of dollars.

- The exact words to say when getting your prospects information,
these phrases will weed out the tire kickers from the people that
actually want to buy your product.

- Etc...ETc...

I hope that will help you out with your copy structure, remember lots of desire and a strong call to action.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[BrianMcLeod]

No, no.. it's cool, dude. : )

At first glance, it's actually quite a bit better than other things I recall you asking about in the past.

Which leads me to my point...

I'm happy to help out where and when I can for a fellow warrior. What I'm not happy to do is fix some cheap low-baller's mistakes for free.

I feel pretty secure in the notion that most of the other guys who write copy for a living feel likewise.

As far as your offer, let's talk about the headline and subhead for a second:

"Learn the Amazing List Building Secrets
That Even a Moron Can Apply Within Hours...
and Literally Explode Your List!"

Quick and easy master plan shows you, step by step,
how to grow your subscriber list for free, even if you
have absolutely zero experience....

I actually like the subhead better. I don't dig the moron angle at all. Clueless newbie? maybe... Moron? no.

Play around with it some more, just write a bunch of different headlines and eventually some good things start to pop out. Work around something like this:

"Discover These Quick & Easy List Building Secrets
That Generate Floods Of New Subscribers For FREE
– Even If You're Totally New To List Building"

"Online Newbie Discovers List Building Secrets
That Generate Floods Of New Subscribers For FREE
– Even If You've Never Built A List Before!"

Play with it. The headline makes or breaks this page.

I gotta run so I can't get further into the copy for now, maybe later. But it's a lot better than much of the stuff that comes through for critique. Certainly for a $7 product, you're doing ok.

Best,

Brian

[Shlomi Khutoretsky]

Thank you guys, i will go through the copies and try to implement your advice