Hardcore Critque wanted

adiknight · 07-08-2009, 02:48 PM

Ok guys, check out that bad boy.

Sales page

I know its far from complete but I'm after some serious critque who can tear this page apart.

Sooo many sales pages look the same, that as soon as I land on one I click straight off - do people actually read them????!

LukeVibertz · 07-08-2009, 03:06 PM

I read through it a little bit, one thing I would do to keep them from clicking off is some sort of professional looking logo or banner/picture right at the top. When people see that huge wall of text right on their first scroll screen they usually X it out.

CDarklock · 07-08-2009, 05:04 PM

Fixed width table, better background color, slick it up just a tad... do a very light pastel blue, green, or yellow in the center, with a darker shade of the same color on either side, drop-shadow for depth.

I think the picture with the tongue is hysterical, but I think you need better writing to go with it. That picture is of a loose cannon, someone with a wry wit and a devil-may-care attitude. The copy just doesn't sound funny enough to be from that guy.

Bill Jeffels · 07-09-2009, 01:21 PM

Adiknight,

Yes, do what the other guys have suggested. That grey background looks strange.

You've probably noticed that most people use a white background and that is because that's what works.

Regards,

Bill Jeffels

Loren Woirhaye · 07-09-2009, 01:35 PM

Put your tongue in your mouth. People don't buy from clowns.

"A Volcano Climbing, Harley Davidson Riding ULTRA ACHIEVER" -=>
the assumption is what? That you are an achiever because you
ride a motorbike?

Sorry. Motorbiking doesn't qualify as an achievement. Finishing
college does though. Writing and publishing a book does. Even
winning some award maybe does.

You may turn-on some people, but you turned me off immediately
with the... um, hubris of the implication that because you ride
a Harley you've achieved something. Self-worth is not measured
in such a way by mature people and you'll alienate them with
this approach.

Daniel Scott · 07-10-2009, 09:45 AM

Lots of problems here... one of the biggest being that the headline doesn't really zero in on your target market properly.

There's a reason a lot of sales pages "look the same"... they work. Certain conventions have been established that work well. Flaunt them when you're making a craptonne of money and can afford to be a mad-tester (ala Reese).

Until them, stick with what people have figured out works.

Yes, you should differentiate yourself... but not like this :P.

-Dan

Jon Steel · 07-10-2009, 08:38 PM

I looked at your website and left immediately. Why? Because your width is ALL WRONG! Your current width forces people to read every word (and move their heads as they do it). 600-650 pxls convert the best...

js

Alexa Smith · 07-11-2009, 04:42 AM

I agree with all the points made above.

It's too wide. The background colour is unsuitable (if you want to avoid white, pale yellow or cream can be good). There's far too much about "you" and not enough about the reader. The photo is unprofessional and unsuitable.

BillOliver · 07-11-2009, 05:37 AM

If you want to use humour - "crazy" doesn't work that way.
My cartoonist is great the way he uses humour.
Check out my resume page graphic.
Bill

BrianMcLeod · 07-11-2009, 07:47 AM

You'd think we could rapidly manifest a return visit by the OP with at least an acknowledgement for everyone trying to help him...

OP: "Help...!"

Forum: 'Here ya go..."

OP: ".........."

Forum: "............."

Collette · 07-11-2009, 10:53 AM

It's astonishing how often people ask for 'hardcore-don't-hold-back' critiques.

And promptly disappear as soon as they receive them.

I'm just sayin'...

Bill Jeffels · 07-11-2009, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Collette

It's astonishing how often people ask for 'hardcore-don't-hold-back' critiques.

And promptly disappear as soon as they receive them.

I'm just sayin'...

Help somebody one time. They disrespect you.

Then screw them.

Regards,

Bill Jeffels

artwebster · 07-16-2009, 07:10 AM

Just what we all needed - the Law of Attraction in a micro-wave!

07-08-2009, 02:48 PM	#1
adiknight Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 48 Thanks: 20 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Ok guys, check out that bad boy. Sales page I know its far from complete but I'm after some serious critque who can tear this page apart. Sooo many sales pages look the same, that as soon as I land on one I click straight off - do people actually read them????!

07-08-2009, 03:06 PM	#2
LukeVibertz Stuntin' is a habit Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted I read through it a little bit, one thing I would do to keep them from clicking off is some sort of professional looking logo or banner/picture right at the top. When people see that huge wall of text right on their first scroll screen they usually X it out.
	My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg Salmon caviar for what ails ya'

07-08-2009, 05:04 PM	#3
CDarklock AT gmail DOT com War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Kent, WA Posts: 6,947 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 1,740 Thanked 5,484 Times in 2,510 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Fixed width table, better background color, slick it up just a tad... do a very light pastel blue, green, or yellow in the center, with a darker shade of the same color on either side, drop-shadow for depth. I think the picture with the tongue is hysterical, but I think you need better writing to go with it. That picture is of a loose cannon, someone with a wry wit and a devil-may-care attitude. The copy just doesn't sound funny enough to be from that guy.
	Donate to the Darklock Liquor Fund Hey; I got nothin' to do today but smile, 'n-da, 'n-da, doo-da, and here I am.

07-09-2009, 01:21 PM	#4
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 348 Thanks: 110 Thanked 81 Times in 71 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Adiknight, Yes, do what the other guys have suggested. That grey background looks strange. You've probably noticed that most people use a white background and that is because that's what works. Regards, Bill Jeffels
	Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

07-09-2009, 01:35 PM	#5
Loren Woirhaye Who'm I kidding? War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 4,542 Blog Entries: 15 Thanks: 117 Thanked 904 Times in 651 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Put your tongue in your mouth. People don't buy from clowns. "A Volcano Climbing, Harley Davidson Riding ULTRA ACHIEVER" -=> the assumption is what? That you are an achiever because you ride a motorbike? Sorry. Motorbiking doesn't qualify as an achievement. Finishing college does though. Writing and publishing a book does. Even winning some award maybe does. You may turn-on some people, but you turned me off immediately with the... um, hubris of the implication that because you ride a Harley you've achieved something. Self-worth is not measured in such a way by mature people and you'll alienate them with this approach.
	HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Book—FREE! \| The "Automated Free Traffic Formula" ArticleBot Secrets Revealed! Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) CopyWriting Services

07-10-2009, 09:45 AM	#6
Daniel Scott The Cake Is A Lie War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Mackay, QLD, Australia Posts: 2,165 Thanks: 291 Thanked 641 Times in 370 Posts Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Lots of problems here... one of the biggest being that the headline doesn't really zero in on your target market properly. There's a reason a lot of sales pages "look the same"... they work. Certain conventions have been established that work well. Flaunt them when you're making a craptonne of money and can afford to be a mad-tester (ala Reese). Until them, stick with what people have figured out works. Yes, you should differentiate yourself... but not like this :P. -Dan
	Do You Want YOUR Next Launch to Pull in $164 249.59 of PURE PROFIT in just one week? Click here to discover how I can make it happen...

07-10-2009, 08:38 PM	#7
Jon Steel HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Okinawa, Japan Posts: 438 Thanks: 68 Thanked 32 Times in 32 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted I looked at your website and left immediately. Why? Because your width is ALL WRONG! Your current width forces people to read every word (and move their heads as they do it). 600-650 pxls convert the best... js

07-11-2009, 04:42 AM	#8
Alexa Smith Wordsmith (& Skepchick) War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 13,583 Thanks: 7,474 Thanked 9,480 Times in 4,924 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted I agree with all the points made above. It's too wide. The background colour is unsuitable (if you want to avoid white, pale yellow or cream can be good). There's far too much about "you" and not enough about the reader. The photo is unprofessional and unsuitable.
	Alexa Smith ... ... writes stuff that snaps, crackles and pops - even if it's only about cauliflowers.

07-11-2009, 05:37 AM	#9
BillOliver Sales Writer/Coach Join Date: May 2009 Location: Muar, Malaysia Posts: 59 Thanks: 8 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted If you want to use humour - "crazy" doesn't work that way. My cartoonist is great the way he uses humour. Check out my resume page graphic. Bill
	Bill Oliver (B.Bus. Banking & Finance, Computing) Sales Writer/Marketing Coach, Resume: www.billoliver.net NICHES: Financial Sector, Sales & Services, Brick & Mortar SMEs. btw I'm an Australian living in Malaysia & a 1978 Fiat X1/9 owner.

07-11-2009, 07:47 AM	#10
BrianMcLeod Fingers of Fury War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Miami, Florida, USA. Posts: 2,110 Blog Entries: 5 Thanks: 1,289 Thanked 1,486 Times in 637 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted You'd think we could rapidly manifest a return visit by the OP with at least an acknowledgement for everyone trying to help him... OP: "Help...!" Forum: 'Here ya go..." OP: ".........." Forum: "............."
	Brian McLeod The Warrior Event 2012 - March 10-11 - Raleigh NC! Direct Response Copywriting \| Get on my private list immediately...

07-11-2009, 10:53 AM	#11
Collette Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: alicubi super pluvia Posts: 780 Thanks: 236 Thanked 511 Times in 259 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted It's astonishing how often people ask for 'hardcore-don't-hold-back' critiques. And promptly disappear as soon as they receive them. I'm just sayin'...

07-16-2009, 07:10 AM	#13
artwebster Brutal honesty's me Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coín, Spain Posts: 1,032 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 33 Thanked 251 Times in 138 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Just what we all needed - the Law of Attraction in a micro-wave!
	You might not like what I say - but I believe it. Build it, make money, then build some more Some old school smarts would help - and here's to Rob Toth for his help. Bloody good stuff, even the freebies!