Hardcore Critque wanted

adiknight · 07-08-2009, 02:48 PM

Ok guys, check out that bad boy.

Sales page

I know its far from complete but I'm after some serious critque who can tear this page apart.

Sooo many sales pages look the same, that as soon as I land on one I click straight off - do people actually read them????!

LukeVibertz · 07-08-2009, 03:06 PM

I read through it a little bit, one thing I would do to keep them from clicking off is some sort of professional looking logo or banner/picture right at the top. When people see that huge wall of text right on their first scroll screen they usually X it out.

Paul McQuillan · 07-08-2009, 03:47 PM

it's too damned wide

Because it is wide as hell your sentences are 28-30 words across

Do I need to get into the pic with the dude and the tongue? (you?)

To be honest, the site irritated me because of the weird format. I don't
care what the copy is, that site needs to be re-formatted or it will bomb.

I noticed some weird quotes, well I think they are quotes-

'Adi Knight is the next Tim Ferris- but bigger'

I am guessing that is a quote from you as there is no author noted. This
ad is VERY focused on you. Sometimes that works, not here.

It needs A LOT of work. First get the right format then re-do the copy.

CDarklock · 07-08-2009, 05:04 PM

Fixed width table, better background color, slick it up just a tad... do a very light pastel blue, green, or yellow in the center, with a darker shade of the same color on either side, drop-shadow for depth.

I think the picture with the tongue is hysterical, but I think you need better writing to go with it. That picture is of a loose cannon, someone with a wry wit and a devil-may-care attitude. The copy just doesn't sound funny enough to be from that guy.

Bill Jeffels · 07-09-2009, 01:21 PM

Adiknight,

Yes, do what the other guys have suggested. That grey background looks strange.

You've probably noticed that most people use a white background and that is because that's what works.

Regards,

Bill Jeffels

Loren Woirhaye · 07-09-2009, 01:35 PM

Put your tongue in your mouth. People don't buy from clowns.

"A Volcano Climbing, Harley Davidson Riding ULTRA ACHIEVER" -=>
the assumption is what? That you are an achiever because you
ride a motorbike?

Sorry. Motorbiking doesn't qualify as an achievement. Finishing
college does though. Writing and publishing a book does. Even
winning some award maybe does.

You may turn-on some people, but you turned me off immediately
with the... um, hubris of the implication that because you ride
a Harley you've achieved something. Self-worth is not measured
in such a way by mature people and you'll alienate them with
this approach.

Daniel Scott · 07-10-2009, 09:45 AM

Lots of problems here... one of the biggest being that the headline doesn't really zero in on your target market properly.

There's a reason a lot of sales pages "look the same"... they work. Certain conventions have been established that work well. Flaunt them when you're making a craptonne of money and can afford to be a mad-tester (ala Reese).

Until them, stick with what people have figured out works.

Yes, you should differentiate yourself... but not like this :P.

-Dan

Jon Steel · 07-10-2009, 08:38 PM

I looked at your website and left immediately. Why? Because your width is ALL WRONG! Your current width forces people to read every word (and move their heads as they do it). 600-650 pxls convert the best...

js

Alexa Smith · 07-11-2009, 04:42 AM

I agree with all the points made above.

It's too wide. The background colour is unsuitable (if you want to avoid white, pale yellow or cream can be good). There's far too much about "you" and not enough about the reader. The photo is unprofessional and unsuitable.

BillOliver · 07-11-2009, 05:37 AM

If you want to use humour - "crazy" doesn't work that way.
My cartoonist is great the way he uses humour.
Check out my resume page graphic.
Bill

BrianMcLeod · 07-11-2009, 07:47 AM

You'd think we could rapidly manifest a return visit by the OP with at least an acknowledgement for everyone trying to help him...

OP: "Help...!"

Forum: 'Here ya go..."

OP: ".........."

Forum: "............."

Collette · 07-11-2009, 10:53 AM

It's astonishing how often people ask for 'hardcore-don't-hold-back' critiques.

And promptly disappear as soon as they receive them.

I'm just sayin'...

Bill Jeffels · 07-11-2009, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Collette

It's astonishing how often people ask for 'hardcore-don't-hold-back' critiques.

And promptly disappear as soon as they receive them.

I'm just sayin'...

Help somebody one time. They disrespect you.

Then screw them.

Regards,

Bill Jeffels

Paul McQuillan · 07-11-2009, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adiknight

Ok guys, check out that bad boy.

Sales page

I know its far from complete but I'm after some serious critque who can tear this page apart.

Sooo many sales pages look the same, that as soon as I land on one I click straight off - do people actually read them????!

I am wondering if he thought this "bad boy" was better than it is. Maybe
he was trolling for sales, I don't know.

Thank you for allowing us to spend our time trying to help you.

artwebster · 07-16-2009, 07:10 AM

Just what we all needed - the Law of Attraction in a micro-wave!

07-08-2009, 02:48 PM	#1
adiknight Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 30 Thanks: 17 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Ok guys, check out that bad boy. Sales page I know its far from complete but I'm after some serious critque who can tear this page apart. Sooo many sales pages look the same, that as soon as I land on one I click straight off - do people actually read them????!
	Deliberate Creator <---- How can I monetize?

07-08-2009, 03:06 PM	#2
LukeVibertz Stuntin' is a habit Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted I read through it a little bit, one thing I would do to keep them from clicking off is some sort of professional looking logo or banner/picture right at the top. When people see that huge wall of text right on their first scroll screen they usually X it out.
	My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg Salmon caviar for what ails ya'

07-08-2009, 03:47 PM	#3
Paul McQuillan Sales Page Writer War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Minnesota USA Posts: 809 Thanks: 98 Thanked 212 Times in 136 Posts Social Networking	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted it's too damned wide Because it is wide as hell your sentences are 28-30 words across Do I need to get into the pic with the dude and the tongue? (you?) To be honest, the site irritated me because of the weird format. I don't care what the copy is, that site needs to be re-formatted or it will bomb. I noticed some weird quotes, well I think they are quotes- 'Adi Knight is the next Tim Ferris- but bigger' I am guessing that is a quote from you as there is no author noted. This ad is VERY focused on you. Sometimes that works, not here. It needs A LOT of work. First get the right format then re-do the copy.
	Paul McQuillan Bruce Lee and Marketing? Need a Killer Sales Page?- click here

07-08-2009, 05:04 PM	#4
CDarklock AT gmail DOT com War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Kent, WA Posts: 1,283 Thanks: 427 Thanked 575 Times in 328 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Fixed width table, better background color, slick it up just a tad... do a very light pastel blue, green, or yellow in the center, with a darker shade of the same color on either side, drop-shadow for depth. I think the picture with the tongue is hysterical, but I think you need better writing to go with it. That picture is of a loose cannon, someone with a wry wit and a devil-may-care attitude. The copy just doesn't sound funny enough to be from that guy.
	I'm that writer you ask how to find every time your other writers deliver. *SEO That Works - In The Long Run* - Coming Soon...** An employee is bought for what he thinks he is worth, and sold for what he is truly worth; from this alone, his employer profits.

07-09-2009, 01:21 PM	#5
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 231 Thanks: 48 Thanked 50 Times in 45 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Adiknight, Yes, do what the other guys have suggested. That grey background looks strange. You've probably noticed that most people use a white background and that is because that's what works. Regards, Bill Jeffels
	Gary Halbert said "You will succeed through movement not through meditation"

07-09-2009, 01:35 PM	#6
Loren Woirhaye gypsy accordion menace War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Amherst, Massachusetts Posts: 3,161 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 75 Thanked 490 Times in 354 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Put your tongue in your mouth. People don't buy from clowns. "A Volcano Climbing, Harley Davidson Riding ULTRA ACHIEVER" -=> the assumption is what? That you are an achiever because you ride a motorbike? Sorry. Motorbiking doesn't qualify as an achievement. Finishing college does though. Writing and publishing a book does. Even winning some award maybe does. You may turn-on some people, but you turned me off immediately with the... um, hubris of the implication that because you ride a Harley you've achieved something. Self-worth is not measured in such a way by mature people and you'll alienate them with this approach.
	Looking for a Marketing Breakthrough? (Selling copy and competitive stratagems developed for you)

07-10-2009, 09:45 AM	#7
Daniel Scott Cash-Producing Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Australia Posts: 1,356 Thanks: 134 Thanked 154 Times in 98 Posts Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Lots of problems here... one of the biggest being that the headline doesn't really zero in on your target market properly. There's a reason a lot of sales pages "look the same"... they work. Certain conventions have been established that work well. Flaunt them when you're making a craptonne of money and can afford to be a mad-tester (ala Reese). Until them, stick with what people have figured out works. Yes, you should differentiate yourself... but not like this :P. -Dan
	*Turbo-Charge Your Website With Compelling, Cash-Sucking Sales Copy* That Gets Serious Results - http://www.noriskcopy.com**

07-10-2009, 08:38 PM	#8
Jon Steel HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Okinawa, Japan Posts: 367 Thanks: 50 Thanked 28 Times in 28 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted I looked at your website and left immediately. Why? Because your width is ALL WRONG! Your current width forces people to read every word (and move their heads as they do it). 600-650 pxls convert the best... js

07-11-2009, 04:42 AM	#9
Alexa Smith Wordsmith War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,859 Thanks: 674 Thanked 515 Times in 372 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted I agree with all the points made above. It's too wide. The background colour is unsuitable (if you want to avoid white, pale yellow or cream can be good). There's far too much about "you" and not enough about the reader. The photo is unprofessional and unsuitable.
	Alexa Smith ... ... writes many things that snap, crackle and pop, but not too many signature-files.

07-11-2009, 05:37 AM	#10
BillOliver Sales Writer/Coach Join Date: May 2009 Location: Muar, Malaysia Posts: 46 Thanks: 2 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted If you want to use humour - "crazy" doesn't work that way. My cartoonist is great the way he uses humour. Check out my resume page graphic. Bill
	Bill Oliver (B.Bus. Banking & Finance, Computing) Sales Writer/Marketing Coach, Resume: www.billoliver.net NICHES: Financial Sector, Health Sector, Professional & Technical Sales & Services, Brick & Mortar SMEs. btw I'm an Australian living in Malaysia & a 1978 Fiat X1/9 owner.

07-11-2009, 07:47 AM	#11
BrianMcLeod Fingers of Fury War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Miami, Florida, USA. Posts: 1,141 Blog Entries: 5 Thanks: 421 Thanked 348 Times in 198 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted You'd think we could rapidly manifest a return visit by the OP with at least an acknowledgement for everyone trying to help him... OP: "Help...!" Forum: 'Here ya go..." OP: ".........." Forum: "............."
	Brian McLeod "Copywriting Training For NON-Copywriters?" Yes, yes... YES! Increase Conversions By Watching Your Web Visitors On Your Site Direct Response Copywriting \| Follow @LoudMac on Twitter \| Sell.More.Better

07-11-2009, 10:53 AM	#12
Collette HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 434 Thanks: 89 Thanked 188 Times in 105 Posts	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted It's astonishing how often people ask for 'hardcore-don't-hold-back' critiques. And promptly disappear as soon as they receive them. I'm just sayin'...

07-16-2009, 07:10 AM	#15
artwebster Brutal honesty's me Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coín, Spain Posts: 1,013 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 27 Thanked 232 Times in 125 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Hardcore Critque wanted - not for the faint hearted Just what we all needed - the Law of Attraction in a micro-wave!
	You might not like what I say - but I believe it. Build it, make money, then build some more Some old school smarts would help - and here's to Rob Toth for his help. Bloody good stuff, even the freebies!