** Updated **- Constructive Criticism In Exchange For A Lifetime Subscription!

[SPress]

Hi Folks!

I'll soon be rolling out a new service in which a ton of time and money has been invested. I don't want to say anything else about it here as I'm hoping that you'd take some time to review a rough copy of the sales page at www.koorus.com.

I'd be happy to give you a free LIFETIME subscription to the service (when it gets launched) if you'd be willing to invest a little time to give me your honest, constructive criticism.

Thanks!

Steve

PS - Ignore the missing or screwy graphics for now - they'll be there soon enough

** Update **

I've created another version of the page Here

Of course I'd appreciate it if you could offer an opinion on the "new and improved" page. I'm concerned only with the copy...there are missing graphics and formatting issues in abundance

Many Thanks!

[dorothydot]

I think you need to do a better job initially presenting a picture of the problem. Just listing terms and then using question-answer format doesn't quite help.

I'd try a scenario-type thing where you create a character representative of your ideal prospect and present her dilemma:

"Jane knew she needed a website. Her craft shop would honestly explode if only she could get a site up and running. But paying someone to do it? No way! Her dogged independence required that she take on this big business-charging task for herself."

Something along that line would perhaps be more compelling.

And your headline is too negative:

WARNING: Don’t even think of creating another website until you’ve joined the revolution.
Quit losing time and money!

First I'd omit the word "another" - what makes you think your reader has done a website already?

I'd make it more positive:

Join Our Website Revolution Today - and...

Here's a Revolutionary Secret to Creating the Website of Your Dreams

Secret Tool Revolutionizes Website Creation

(Subhead)
Get Bigger Profits and Put More Time Back In Your Days


I totally love your eyebrow and the sub-sub title. In fact, how about just dumping the subtitle about time and money altogether? That makes your message much more direct.

Another thing I'd change is you need to add some images scattered through your text. Photos, etc.

And you've put your background - full of "we" and "us" - as big blocks of text smack center on your home page. I'd rethink that - how about either a very short you-oriented summary or put it in a side-bar? And break it up into 1-2 sentence paragraphs; huge chunks of unbroken text are hard on computer-screen-reading eyeballs.

Then take your testimonials and put them front-and-center in a full-width box. These you must have to prove the value of your product.

Your subhead, Koorus is the new online website creation tool built specifically to serve the Internet Marketing community. is just a statement of feature. You need to make this something to compel your readers to get back into reading the text.

Maybe, Designed with Your Website-Creating Needs in Mind, Koorus Can...

Or something along those lines.

Hope this helps,
Dot

[SPress]

Hi Dot,

Great feedback, thanks a lot! I'll try implementing most, if not all, of what you suggest. We'll be taking on some Beta users very soon and I'd love to include you.

I'll send you a PM separately as the time gets closer to give you a link for a free subscription if you'd like.

Cheers,

Steve

[dorothydot]

You're very welcome. Yes, I'd like to have a subscription.

Dot

[SPress]

Hi WordPro,

Thanks for the great advice.

You've hit upon my biggest struggle when creating this "sales" page and the lack of continuity is obvious.

As someone who purchase a product/service, I don't want to feel like anything is being hidden from me, and thus the tendency to cram way too much into this - but it doesn't make for compelling copy.

There has been a fairly exorbitant amount of time and money put into this product, so it's a shame for it to come across as "put out of somebody's bedroom" (as you so succinctly put it

Thanks a lot for the advice!

I'll send you a separate PM later to get a free subscription if you'd like.

Cheers,

Steve

[Matt Jutras]

Right after you introduce Koorus, you start right in with a long-winded background story about your company.

Big mistake. It's boring and nobody is going to care.

You need to completely eliminate that section and just jump right into the benefits.

[SPress]

Thanks Matt,

I've heard that repeatedly now. It's pretty safe to say that you've hit the nail (at least one of them!) on the head.

I wanted to make sure folks understand that this isn't some fly-by-night company run by some kid in his mom's basement, but obviously got carried away.


Cheers!

Steve

PS - As with anyone else replying here - I'd be happy to offer you a free subscription soon when the launch date gets closer.

[SPress]

A general question for all:

Nobody likes the placement of the text talking about our company and its' background on the sales page.

The same text is also on the "About Us" page. Do you think that's sufficient and it should just be eliminated completely from the sales page?

Thanks again,

Steve

[Matt Jutras]

Yes, totally eliminate it from the sales page. It's a distraction, and a waste since it's already in the "about" page. Hope I've hit that nail even further in

[dorothydot]

If you really must put it (the text talking about our company and its' background) on your home page, I'd cut it like down to just a few sentences.... and put it in a side-bar, down close to the bottom of your homepage. And include links to contact you for further information.

Then go into detail on your "About Us" page.

Incidentally, are you planning on including an opt-in box to build a list so you can send out more information, updates, a newsletter or something that keeps your visitors reminded of you and your wonderful product?

Dot

[SPress]

Originally Posted by dorothydot

...

Incidentally, are you planning on including an opt-in box to build a list so you can send out more information, updates, a newsletter or something that keeps your visitors reminded of you and your wonderful product?

Dot

Hi Dot,

Yes, I certainly am.

[jthompkins]

I agree with moving the company info to the "About" page. people will go there to get more information.

I didn't see an active link to the FAQ page. I read over the sales page and there are still a few unanswered questions.

You wrote: "A license to create up to 10 unique sites (each with unlimited pages and content)"

What if you wanted more than 10 sites? Upgrades available such as "Gold" or "Platinum"?

If I built a successful site with this and wanted to flip it, is that possible without the buyer having the monthly subscription?

Jeff

[Aronya]

Hi Steve,

Just saw this thread, and have only looked at the updated page. My impressions:

"Koorus allows you to create profit pulling,... "
Profit-pulling.

I don't like the testimonials being the first thing I see. As a visitor, I subconsciously understand that you're going to try to sell me something, but it bugs me that it's blatant and immediate. Testimonials assume I'm interested enough to want to know what other people think about your product or service, and at this point, I hardly much of an idea what you do. You haven't built any interest yet.

* Make more money
* Influence people
* Share information
* Etc.
I think your bullets need some punching up. "Make more money" is the obvious one, but even that could be represented more effectively as something like "Economic Independence" or "Financial Freedom". Others that stress benefits, rather than features, would work better. For example, sharing information is a feature, but helping others to better their lives by teaching them new techniques is a benefit.

"Up until now, you needed to learn one or more of the following to gain a useable website:"
Gain a useable website? Odd turn of phrase. Caused me to stop & re-read, something you don't want people to do.

"What is all of that, and frankly...why should you care !?!"
You just told me why I should care... to gain a useable website. I may or may not understand where you're going here, but it's another stumbling point.

"Designed with Your Website-Creating Needs in Mind,
You’ll find that Koorus has just what you’re looking for!"
Decide if you're going to capitalize every word or not. Then, the bullets that follow immediately should demonstrate the promise of this subhead. The only one that does is the first. The others need to be re-written a la my previous suggestions.

"* Complete..."
2 spaces before the C. Only 1 space starting the other bullets.

"Koorus allows yout to"

"From the moment you login, your choices and options will be obvious thanks to our tested and proven friendly user interface. "
From the moment you log in, your choices and options will be obvious, thanks to our tested and proven-friendly user interface. - The rest of this paragraph would make good replacement bullets for the section immediately above.

Hope that helps. It's all I have time for, right now.

Tim

[SPress]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for taking the time to reply!

Since making the original post, the folks here helped me realize how much my letter sucked, so I've hired a copywriter from this forum to rewrite it from scratch.

When we start taking on users though, I'll let you know how to get your free account.

Cheers!

Steve

[Collette]

Vastly improved, Steve!

I just had time for a quick scan, and here are some things to consider:

- Your headline: "Secret Tool Revolutionizes Website Creation" is still weak. If you promise me a "secret tool" I expect to get something more than another WYSIWYG web site builder. Most of what you promise in the beginning, I can get from just about any hosting company these days. So, dig deeper: what's YOUR "secret sauce"?

Sell that.

Right now, you're just selling another web site builder. Ho hum.

- Everything about your opening implies that you're addressing a reader who is already on the Web, and trying, or has tried, to sell something on the Internet. So this reader would know that the second paragraph of your letter isn't true:

" Up until now, you needed to learn one or more of the following to gain a useable website:

* HTML
* Javascript
* AJAX
* SQL
* cPanels
* Plugins
* And More! "

That might have been the case many years ago, but it's not been the case for almost a decade now. If I can use Microsoft Word, I can go to Yahoo, Go Daddy, Hostgator or any number of web hosts, and get a site up and running within minutes, using one of their templates.

Anybody who's been using email for six months would know that.

So, you're going to elicit resistance in the reader, right in the beginning - when you don't have to.

And then you're going to have to work extra hard to overcome that resistance to convince him the the rest of your pitch isn't really fragrant, steaming bullshyet.

Why make your job so difficult?

- Your opening paragraph. I going to assume that's placeholder copy. Because that opening is so vague and unexciting, it almost sent me into a coma.

Need much more zing. Get me excited about what you want to tell me. Make me hang on to your every word. Create anticipation in me for what I'm about to discover (the "Secret Tool", remember?).

Fer gawdsakes - you need to get my juices flowing!!!

And that opening 'ain't doing it.

- Your credentials are buried so far down the page, they're lost. And, as a result, so is your "brand" story.

Who are you, again? And why are you such hotshots at this that I can believe all the stuff you just told me?

You have excellent credibility builders. And behind that - I know - is a good story about who you are and why you do what you do.

So give it to me.

Enchant me.. enthrall me... make me believe in you.

I know this is a first draft. But you are addressing a fairly sophisticated and skeptical market. And, although this copy is better than your original post, it's still mostly a "been-there-seen-that" letter. It's all surface, and no depth.

I think you have something you could do very well with. But it's going to have to be more than a "Here's an easy way to get your web sites done".

[axle]

LOL, after reading the whole thread I see you have hired a copywriter

I think with this product that is certainly the best way to go- it's a shame to spend alot on product creation then mess it up with bad copy- Good luck with it!