If you can spare a few mins - Copy Critique Needed

[AdamDev]

Hi All

I've just finished my first draft of a sales letter for my ebook and would much appreciate it somebody could give me a second opinion (as harsh as you like, i'm old enough and ugly enough to take it)

The website address is

pro-punter-package.co.uk

This is my first attempt at anything related to internet marketing (or web building for that matter) so it's obviously not going to be anywhere near ready to use but any comments you might have would be very much appreciated

Best Wishes

Adam

[AdamDev]

Originally Posted by razedFrost

Good especially the headlin and "What you will learn" section, but a few points:

• Can't say I like the font
• You need a page title (HTML)
• SOme graphics, especially the large Guantee sell, overlap text
• Bottom Links hard to see

I've had another person say the graphics are overlapping, It dosn't show in my browser so perhaps I need to use a better web builder (i've been using WYSIWYG web builder)

I was uncertian about the font, do you think ariel or tahoma would be better ?

[RentItNow]

WoW! Scary probs with every table, page width, etc. I think the content is there it just needs formatting, better cover, pics, font changes, spell checked, etc. The headline doesn't compel me to read it also. It's about how it benefited you, NOT ME.

I think you have the format down good though. What is bad about everything else. How yours is better. Benefits. Testimonials, Proof. Order. You may do good to hire a designer.

About the content, I think you go a bit too much into the making a living from gambling thing. First you say you can then you say you can't promise that. So which is it? I knew a guy that made a living gambling but he lived very poorly (but happily).

Anyway, thats my 2 cents.

[AdamDev]

Originally Posted by RentItNow

WoW! Scary probs with every table, page width, etc. I think the content is there it just needs formatting, better cover, pics, font changes, spell checked, etc. The headline doesn't compel me to read it also. It's about how it benefited you, NOT ME.

I think you have the format down good though. What is bad about everything else. How yours is better. Benefits. Testimonials, Proof. Order. You may do good to hire a designer.

About the content, I think you go a bit too much into the making a living from gambling thing. First you say you can then you say you can't promise that. So which is it? I knew a guy that made a living gambling but he lived very poorly (but happily).

Anyway, thats my 2 cents.

Wow thanks for that. It looks like i'm going to have to start again on the actual site, I'll look in to web designers but I tend to dislike hiring other people to do things I can learn myself.

I see what you mean about the the gambling thing, Whilst I do make my living via betting I was trying to get the point across that there is no quick and easy way to get rich doing it - that people actually have to put some effort in. But I can see how that could be confusing so I'll try to make the point clearer.

Again thank you for taking the time to analyse the site in such depth, its much appreciated

[RentItNow]

You have the bones. Watch this video to see what is possible:
http://masscontrolsite.com/blog/?p=39
It helped me tons.

Also, look at some good sales page designs to get an idea of the code involved. Get dreamweaver and an HTML design book.

[JoelMatthews]

Your title that appears at top of browser is just ... home

You may want to change that also

[Emma Ngin]

I think you did a great job.. some minor problems with the way it shows with my browser. I tried using Opera, Firefox and IE8, I think you need the help of a web designer. But, overall, it was good, considering that it was your very first sales page.

[Bruce NewMedia]

Quick thoughts: as mentioned the whole page is showing up in Firefox 3 off to the right side. Needs to be centered.

I would remove the black header with the lifeless pic of the product. Just begin the page with your headline. Get a graphic artist to do a better more attractive ebook graphic for use further down the page.

As one who has sold gambling products and bet on a lot of horses, :-) I get the feeling the book is more for rookies. The bullet points sound like that's who you're appealing to ...is that your intention?

_____
Bruce

[John Willer]

Not to be a buzz kill... but this topic is banned by almost every advertiser out there.

I was going to do a product for this market about a year ago and no one would let me advertise. The government has pretty much banned this stuff and it's a risky business dealing with it.

[AdamDev]

Originally Posted by John Willer

Not to be a buzz kill... but this topic is banned by almost every advertiser out there.

I was going to do a product for this market about a year ago and no one would let me advertise. The government has pretty much banned this stuff and it's a risky business dealing with it.

I don't know where you live but in the UK the horse racing market is very much alive and kicking. There are no laws or restrictions against it.

And I've sent the actual product to the various horse racing sites and directories and all of them have said they are more then happy to feature it.


----------

I few people have said that the headline needs changing so I'll fiddle with that when I have the time

----------

"As one who has sold gambling products and bet on a lot of horses, :-) I get the feeling the book is more for rookies. The bullet points sound like that's who you're appealing to ...is that your intention?"

Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Whilst a rookie would have more to gain from the book there is still plently for more seasoned punters to use. Such as the Speed and Form Rating Software - both of which are totally unique, the pace rating method, the 3 systems that come included and how to know if your bet offers good value (a concept which few punters seem to understand never mind apply).

I'll try and make this clearer in the Re-Write.

Thanks again to everybody who has taken the time to look at the site and give your input, it's much appreciated.

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by adhept

Hi All

I've just finished my first draft of a sales letter for my ebook and would much appreciate it somebody could give me a second opinion (as harsh as you like, i'm old enough and ugly enough to take it)

The website address is

pro-punter-package.co.uk

This is my first attempt at anything related to internet marketing (or web building for that matter) so it's obviously not going to be anywhere near ready to use but any comments you might have would be very much appreciated

Best Wishes

Adam

Hi Adam,

I must admit your concept is very intriguing.

And yes you definitely need to do what the other people on the forum have said regarding the format and I know you said that you will.

That being said I can help you with the copywriting. You need a story a star and a solution. And Adam, you've got it. Take a look.


At last, discover the secrets too!...

"How I Made A Fortune Betting
On The Horses... and How
You Can Too!"

Discover the proven closely guarded
secret method I use for winning
at the track

Dear friend

Did you know that there is a almost guaranteed way to bet at the track and win?. Yes, there is, and I'm living proof that it can happen.

Since I've been consistantly winning with my secret easy to follow method I've bought a new car, before I always had old junkers, I've bought a new house it's worth $250,000... and I know that to be certain because I was offered that amount last week by a real estate agent that wanted me to sell... but I nicely declined.

I know, I know, how did I come up with this amazing proven betting system that has made me this fortune?, I'll tell you...but first... listen to this.

2 years ago I told my friends about "my system" for winning at the track, it was in the eary stages and I was fine tuning it. After I told my friends they all laughed at me and told me I was crazy. And it would never work.

I thought, I'll show them. Well, I took myself and my "crazy idea" to the track.

And guess happened?. I won. Then I won again, and again and again!.

Then I picked up my friends in my new car, and took them all to the nicest restaurant in town...and then I paid the whole bill. You shoud've seen their faces. And it was all thanks to my new betting system.

Anyway, I want you to picture your self at the track. Using my simple betting method and winning money, then more money, then more money.

Can you imagine that?. Yes, good becasue my Pro Punter Package is going to get you there.

Here is a little of what you will discover...

- The closely guarded betting secrets of how to choose the most profitable races to
bet on, this trick will skyrocket your whole monthly income.

- How to "read a race" like a professional, I quickly show you the exact methods I've
used to consistantly make a fortune... year after year.

- How to know which races to avoid... 75% of races will lose you money, I reveal

which ones that will put cold hard cash in your pocket time and time again.

- The simple secret to not only knowing where to place your bet... but when, this
secret will easily double your daily earnings.

- And much, much more.

You see Adam you just need a story that gets peoples attention,sparks their interest and keep them reading to the next line.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[David Raybould]

Adam-

Some tips:

First up, reduce the size of your fonts.
The whole page looks like it's written
as a headline or subhead. This makes
it tough to read.

Second, your headline isn't going to
cut it. You want to captivate your
reader, drag their eyeballs into the
rest of your copy. The headline that's
there is simply too pedestrian...

Visit clickbank.com and check out their
marketplace... look at some of the
salesletters there. See how the headlines
work, how they're put together. That
should give you some ideas.

Next, the proof element under the
headline doesn't really mean anything...
I'm sure a lot of people will just gloss
over it, not realising what it is.

To remedy this, put a caption beneath
it. Simply "That's £xxx,xxx profit in 4 weeks"
or whatever. That will get you some more
credibility. Maybe even replace the underline
with a hand drawn circle.

Lastly, before you mention the price, you
need to build up the value in people's minds.
Simply stating what they get and asking for
£39 won't cover it. People won't buy.

Instead, break it down... let them picture
what they can potentially make... let them
picture how that will effect their life, then
make them see that however much you
charge is a bargain.

Again, some clickbank letters could help
you out here.

That's all I have time for right now.

Good luck.

-David Raybould

[Bill Jeffels]

Hey Adam,

Also, get rid of the line "making money from horse racing is hard".

Going on a diet is also hard but people don't want to hear that. Just stick with the tips I gave you and I'm sure you'll do fine.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[AdamDev]

Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels

Hi Adam,

I must admit your concept is very intriguing.

And yes you definitely need to do what the other people on the forum have said regarding the format and I know you said that you will.

That being said I can help you with the copywriting. You need a story a star and a solution. And Adam, you've got it. Take a look.


At last, discover the secrets too!...

"How I Made A Fortune Betting
On The Horses... and How
You Can Too!"

Discover the proven closely guarded
secret method I use for winning
at the track

Dear friend

Did you know that there is a almost guaranteed way to bet at the track and win?. Yes, there is, and I'm living proof that it can happen.

Since I've been consistantly winning with my secret easy to follow method I've bought a new car, before I always had old junkers, I've bought a new house it's worth $250,000... and I know that to be certain because I was offered that amount last week by a real estate agent that wanted me to sell... but I nicely declined.

I know, I know, how did I come up with this amazing proven betting system that has made me this fortune?, I'll tell you...but first... listen to this.

2 years ago I told my friends about "my system" for winning at the track, it was in the eary stages and I was fine tuning it. After I told my friends they all laughed at me and told me I was crazy. And it would never work.

I thought, I'll show them. Well, I took myself and my "crazy idea" to the track.

And guess happened?. I won. Then I won again, and again and again!.

Then I picked up my friends in my new car, and took them all to the nicest restaurant in town...and then I paid the whole bill. You shoud've seen their faces. And it was all thanks to my new betting system.

Anyway, I want you to picture your self at the track. Using my simple betting method and winning money, then more money, then more money.

Can you imagine that?. Yes, good becasue my Pro Punter Package is going to get you there.

Here is a little of what you will discover...

- The closely guarded betting secrets of how to choose the most profitable races to
bet on, this trick will skyrocket your whole monthly income.

- How to "read a race" like a professional, I quickly show you the exact methods I've
used to consistantly make a fortune... year after year.

- How to know which races to avoid... 75% of races will lose you money, I reveal

which ones that will put cold hard cash in your pocket time and time again.

- The simple secret to not only knowing where to place your bet... but when, this
secret will easily double your daily earnings.

- And much, much more.

You see Adam you just need a story that gets peoples attention,sparks their interest and keep them reading to the next line.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

Wow thanks for taking so much time to do that. I'll explore the concept of the whole story thing but I'll have to remove the american references and make it believable (that sort of thing wouldn't fool anybody who knows anything about racing)

I am a bit cautious about using those sort of claims however. Almost all the other products tell people the same sort of stuff and they never deliver. I'm selling a package that can teach people to make profit - and the fact is there really is no 'simple' secret formula to do it.

And the main problem is that because the racing market has become so saturated with crapy systems (with very good sales letters) that a lot of my target customers have developed a built in bull**** detector that makes them hit the back button when confronted with claims of instant riches and 'amazing secret formulas' (Quite frankly if there was a way to bet at a certain time and double my daily profits I would keep it very quiet)

The best selling product on clickbank for horse racing is a laying horses to lose guide that has a similar concept to my product - giving solid information and teaching people how to profit from their own selections - and the first thing his sales letter does is to tell people that they won't get instant wealth, that it's not simple and that you do have to put some effort into into it. And it's been the best seller for over a year now.

Horse racing has been my life for 9 years now, the vast majority of my friends are involved in horse racing, i've met and talked to more punters than I've had hot meals and I know for a fact that blowing smoke up their backside is the wrong way to go. All it takes is a few pissed off punters complaining on the forums that a product dosn't live up to it's hype and it's game over.

Sorry If I sound ungrateful for your help but I'm just trying to point out that copy like that probably sells well to americans but us Brits tend to be suspicious of everything. I want to build credibility and deliver a quality product to my customers - not promise them more than I (or anybody else for that matter) can deliver.

If I build a reputation for living up to my hype and selling usefull products It would be very easy for me to use that cred to lauch a tipping service or future betting products (god knows I could write a few), a model that has proven extremely profitable for those who have pulled it off.

[AdamDev]

Originally Posted by David Raybould

Adam-

Some tips:

First up, reduce the size of your fonts.
The whole page looks like it's written
as a headline or subhead. This makes
it tough to read.

Second, your headline isn't going to
cut it. You want to captivate your
reader, drag their eyeballs into the
rest of your copy. The headline that's
there is simply too pedestrian...

Visit clickbank.com and check out their
marketplace... look at some of the
salesletters there. See how the headlines
work, how they're put together. That
should give you some ideas.

Next, the proof element under the
headline doesn't really mean anything...
I'm sure a lot of people will just gloss
over it, not realising what it is.

To remedy this, put a caption beneath
it. Simply "That's £xxx,xxx profit in 4 weeks"
or whatever. That will get you some more
credibility. Maybe even replace the underline
with a hand drawn circle.

Lastly, before you mention the price, you
need to build up the value in people's minds.
Simply stating what they get and asking for
£39 won't cover it. People won't buy.

Instead, break it down... let them picture
what they can potentially make... let them
picture how that will effect their life, then
make them see that however much you
charge is a bargain.

Again, some clickbank letters could help
you out here.

That's all I have time for right now.

Good luck.

-David Raybould

I see what you mean about the headline and the betting account screenshot, I'll make sure to fix both those issues.

I know the fonts are bad, I'll be changing them for sure.

I see what you mean about building value before stating the price, I did actully make a note to do that when I was writing the copy but have obviously failed miserably

The sales letter is based on the number one selling clickbank product, I thought since it's very similar to mine (exept that it's about laying horses as opposed to backing them to win, sort of the polar opposite in method) that a similar sales letter would work well.

But as I said that was just a rough draft, gotta start somewhere right.

Regards

Adam

[billythekid]

Hi Adam,

Not bad first attempt granted. I guess you must be working on implementing some of the changes right now, as the title still has 'the horses' contained within it.
Check your grammar as well, as I noticed a few small mistakes just from doing a scan.
Font is a bit rubbish to say the least, as others have said.
You may want to revise the cost section. It's just a bit flat with not much hype. What value does this buyer get for 39 squid, and even though most people do a slash through prices you may want to consider doing the same. What are your competitors offering similar products at?

Sorry if I've repeated what others have already said. But good first try.

Cheers,

Dom