Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product

twright · 07-16-2009, 04:53 PM

The Website was just redone and I need for some people to critique the page to see if we are Catching the Parents Eyes. I am partial to the product as stated before so I can't be too objective. Parents / Toddlers.. Probably Mom/WAHM/SAHM/WAHD and Family Friendly Gaming is our markets..

http://tinyurl.com/l7bphg

Thanks for your assistance in reviewing this, I have received some great information from Warriors and hope to continue learning~

Collette · 07-16-2009, 05:17 PM

The graphics are beautiful, but the purpose of the product is unclear.

After poking around a bit, I'm thinking that this is a game you load on to your computer so your kids can play with the computer without you worrying that they may get into something they shouldn't? Or accidently erase your files?

Or is this supposed to be a parent/child interactive bonding experience?

Or is the process of playing this game going to enhance my kid's skills/learning abilities in some way?

Seriously, I'm not sure. The game looks cool, though. I think you just have to give a little more information on the landing page.

So it's difficult to say whether or not you're reaching your target prospect.

And no, the copy on your video doesn't really clarify anything. Some of the language is a bit techie for the non-techie.

Loren Woirhaye · 07-16-2009, 05:34 PM

I had to click a couple of times to find out what the
price of the product is. Why that choice? It's not
expensive so I would sell what a great value it is.

With software I think it's a good idea to have
extremely concentrated copy, like you would have
on the box if it were in a store.

I'm not saying that for business or marketing
software long-format salesletters don't have a
place - but for games the selling message should
answer:

Who it's for
What it does
Why that person who it's for should have it
How much it costs to get it and start having fun.

Put all that stuff right up front so there is
no ambiguity.

That's just my style. What you are doing is okay.
Is it making you money?

redfc · 07-16-2009, 08:52 PM

First look, it gives me a professional and comfortable kinda feel and it does capture my attention. Its clear you're selling product for toddler.

Your main page has a PR. I guess its been around for a while.

It looks okay for me as parent, how about having prices for each software up front. I don't know the price until the last click.

I wonder what other catagories of software you have like vocabulary building, introduction to Alphabet, numbers.

jukeboxhero · 07-17-2009, 03:47 PM

If I were you I would ad some sales speak to your video explaining the product and what goes on with it, what's it for, why theres nothing else like it.

The site looks pretty though...

Scott Murdaugh · 07-17-2009, 05:19 PM

Wow, fantastic site, awesome looking product, good luck!

I agree with Loren, short copy should work just fine for this product.

The main points that I'd hammer home is...

-It's fun.

-It's educational.

-It's safe.

-It safeguards the computer.

And maybe if there's been a study or anything done that talks about computers aiding toddlers in developing hand eye coordination or motor skills early on in life you could mention something along those lines.

I really do like the site and the product, looks great.

-Scott

RentItNow · 07-17-2009, 08:22 PM

First impress is "what are you selling?" What am I on the page for?

You need a clear CALL TO ACTION. In other words, what do you want the visitor to do now you have their attention.

Good job tho!

Keeslover · 07-18-2009, 12:44 AM

When I got to the page, I wasn't sure what to look at or where to go until the video started, then it loaded so slowly that I clicked away. (I have DSL.) Your customer wants to be led to the sale, but you only have about 3 seconds to grab his or her attention. Keep it simple and put your biggest benefit right up front so he or she sees it right away.

twright · 07-20-2009, 05:17 PM

Thank you for all of the feedback. Yes, the product is selling(just redesigned website) and I am taking all of your comments into consideration for changes and clear communication on the website. We Ported to Mac and are building out for expansion packs to the product..

Again, Thank you for your feedback.. This is my first time asking for Copywriters assist and appreciate the responses from everyone..

Cheers to Everyone's Success!

Tim

07-16-2009, 04:53 PM	#1
twright always PM more info Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 56 Thanks: 7 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Contact Info	Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product The Website was just redone and I need for some people to critique the page to see if we are Catching the Parents Eyes. I am partial to the product as stated before so I can't be too objective. Parents / Toddlers.. Probably Mom/WAHM/SAHM/WAHD and Family Friendly Gaming is our markets.. http://tinyurl.com/l7bphg Thanks for your assistance in reviewing this, I have received some great information from Warriors and hope to continue learning~

07-16-2009, 05:17 PM	#2
Collette HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 491 Thanks: 104 Thanked 243 Times in 134 Posts	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product The graphics are beautiful, but the purpose of the product is unclear. After poking around a bit, I'm thinking that this is a game you load on to your computer so your kids can play with the computer without you worrying that they may get into something they shouldn't? Or accidently erase your files? Or is this supposed to be a parent/child interactive bonding experience? Or is the process of playing this game going to enhance my kid's skills/learning abilities in some way? Seriously, I'm not sure. The game looks cool, though. I think you just have to give a little more information on the landing page. So it's difficult to say whether or not you're reaching your target prospect. And no, the copy on your video doesn't really clarify anything. Some of the language is a bit techie for the non-techie.

07-16-2009, 05:34 PM	#3
Loren Woirhaye Whoopass Web Copy War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 3,657 Blog Entries: 13 Thanks: 97 Thanked 647 Times in 476 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product I had to click a couple of times to find out what the price of the product is. Why that choice? It's not expensive so I would sell what a great value it is. With software I think it's a good idea to have extremely concentrated copy, like you would have on the box if it were in a store. I'm not saying that for business or marketing software long-format salesletters don't have a place - but for games the selling message should answer: Who it's for What it does Why that person who it's for should have it How much it costs to get it and start having fun. Put all that stuff right up front so there is no ambiguity. That's just my style. What you are doing is okay. Is it making you money?
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07-16-2009, 08:52 PM	#4
redfc Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 66 Thanks: 3 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product First look, it gives me a professional and comfortable kinda feel and it does capture my attention. Its clear you're selling product for toddler. Your main page has a PR. I guess its been around for a while. It looks okay for me as parent, how about having prices for each software up front. I don't know the price until the last click. I wonder what other catagories of software you have like vocabulary building, introduction to Alphabet, numbers.

07-17-2009, 03:47 PM	#5
jukeboxhero HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 101 Thanks: 6 Thanked 44 Times in 15 Posts	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product If I were you I would ad some sales speak to your video explaining the product and what goes on with it, what's it for, why theres nothing else like it. The site looks pretty though...

07-17-2009, 05:19 PM	#6
Scott Murdaugh ResultsCopywriting.com War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Springfield, Mo USA. Posts: 695 Thanks: 141 Thanked 252 Times in 129 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product Wow, fantastic site, awesome looking product, good luck! I agree with Loren, short copy should work just fine for this product. The main points that I'd hammer home is... -It's fun. -It's educational. -It's safe. -It safeguards the computer. And maybe if there's been a study or anything done that talks about computers aiding toddlers in developing hand eye coordination or motor skills early on in life you could mention something along those lines. I really do like the site and the product, looks great. -Scott
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07-17-2009, 08:22 PM	#7
RentItNow HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 256 Thanks: 45 Thanked 49 Times in 44 Posts	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product First impress is "what are you selling?" What am I on the page for? You need a clear CALL TO ACTION. In other words, what do you want the visitor to do now you have their attention. Good job tho!
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07-18-2009, 12:44 AM	#8
Keeslover She who likes to write War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 86 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 132 Thanked 8 Times in 7 Posts Social Networking	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product When I got to the page, I wasn't sure what to look at or where to go until the video started, then it loaded so slowly that I clicked away. (I have DSL.) Your customer wants to be led to the sale, but you only have about 3 seconds to grab his or her attention. Keep it simple and put your biggest benefit right up front so he or she sees it right away.
	Grow your business and keep 'em coming back for more! www.grabmorecustomers.com

07-20-2009, 05:17 PM	#9
twright always PM more info Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 56 Thanks: 7 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Contact Info	Re: Need a Critique of Page: Childrens Product Thank you for all of the feedback. Yes, the product is selling(just redesigned website) and I am taking all of your comments into consideration for changes and clear communication on the website. We Ported to Mac and are building out for expansion packs to the product.. Again, Thank you for your feedback.. This is my first time asking for Copywriters assist and appreciate the responses from everyone.. Cheers to Everyone's Success! Tim