I am not a professional copywriter...so does this sound amature?

[runfast]

Hello Warriors,

I just put together a sales page for one of my offline products. Can you please help me on the sales letter? I wrote it myself. I know a lot about the technical details but I don't know the "secret" to selling something using just words. I can sell something face to face but using just words is a whole different ball game. Let me know what I should change.

Visit Site Here:
www.remotetrafficlight.com

Thanks in advance
Mike

[MontelloMarketing]

Mike,

The quickest answer I can give you is this...

You've got a $4,000 product. Hire a good copywriter.

I know that's not what you want to hear but think of how many $4,000 sales you will lose without one.

And before you even do that, ask yourself...

"Is there really a hungry market for this?"

[Matt Jutras]

Your opening is too weak and you're talking too much about your company and what it does, which nobody is going to care about. At least not in a sales letter.

Especially since you introduce the price early on, without first explaining why it would be a good deal.

Most people will see the $4000.00 price tag and move along without further reading.

I would open with this line you have further down:

If you pay him/her for $18.00 per hour it would cost you $8,604!

So guess what? You can buy this unit for only $4,000.

Not exactly that...but since the cost saving seems to be your main benefit,you want to be sure and hammer that home right away.

Also, get rid of the installation instructions. That should only be packaged with the product. I mean, you want to make it clear that it's easy to use but I wouldn't spell out exactly how it's done, either.

Also, there is the issue of presentation.

You need to get rid of the blog format. Or at least eliminate everything on the right side of the page.

You want the reader to start at the top and read all the way to the call to action with ZERO distraction...pull them in with your words and don't stop until they get to the order button.

No offense, but no one in their right mind is going to buy something that costs $4000 off of a page that looks like that. You must invest in a cleaner and more professional looking page.

Further, at your product's price point... it is truly in your best interest to hire a copywriter. And I don't mean someone like me that writes fast cheap pages for internet products.

More like someone in the $10,000-$15,000 price range.

I know that sounds like a lot of money, but it's an investment that will pay off in spades.

And there's more than a few guys here in this very forum that could handle that for you.

Even a half percent increase in conversion rate could mean tens of thousands of dollars to you, so don't pussy foot around with your sales copy.

Good luck.

[Matt Jutras]

Oh, and you should consider direct mail. Get a list of construction companies and do a real live print mailing.

Don't forget to use your sales copy to scare them with traffic fatalities involving drivers smashing into the workers.

[colmodwyer]

Mike,

If you can sell face to face then maybe do some role play with a friend/colleague and record that... Better yet, record selling an actual prospect.

You'll notice using vanilla, corporate slogan talk like

We Stop…You Go…For Safety and Cost-Cutting Ideas

is not the way to grab attention and certainly not they way to build rapport.

What about a photo of the actual unit too?

This blog platform certainly doesn't help either.

You're not really being specific about the problem are the solution too. You're making too many assumptions about what you think the prospect knows.

Because of the price on this, chances are you're going to need to close face to face... So you need to re-think your marketing here. The goal is lead generation. So how about putting together a report on how Bob the builder can save $XX dollars, improve efficiency and get the promotion or whatever.

Find out exactly who your prospect is, give them information they want, and then sell em' on the backend...

Oh, and hire a copywriter... After you've found out there's a market for this.

Colm

[runfast]

Thanks Matt and everyone. I can sell about anything face to face because I firmly believe in trying really hard to tell people that we care about them and the interest of their business.
Judging by the response here online marketing is a different ball game. I will continue to improve the site. Leter I will be adding videos and actual photos. I just threw this together to see what response I would get on the forum.

Thanks again
Mike

[Loren Woirhaye]

Marketing this product, in this way is probably irrelevant
to the marketplace.

That's another way of saying you need more and better than
a blog to sell this. Think white paper marketing, for one.

There's a lot to reaching the market for this and developing a
selling process that proves the wisdom of investing in it. Lot
of research for you to do here, but it could be a winner if you
do it right.

[runfast]

Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing

Mike,


"Is there really a hungry market for this?"

Was there a hungry market for horseless carriages, playdough, post-it note and etc?

Sometimes we have to create the opportunites then sell it. Then create such a stir that it becomes a need.

Thanks for your feedback.

[runfast]

Originally Posted by John_S

Oh. My. Gosh.

ESL first. Then copywriting. Don't even say the word copywriting until you can write regular sentence(s).

Maybe you should read my post below to understand me better :-)

Do smart people lose and dumb people win in IM?

Thanks for your honest opinion.

[Collette]

How do you plan to direct traffic to the site? I noticed that the search volume for your product is extremely low.

I doubt that you're going to be successful selling this exclusively online. This product calls for an offline DR campaign, using the web site as a supplementary contact point. It's not a one-step sale.

And at a $4,000 price point, you absolutely should hire a professional copywriter and get a decent web site template. A blog really doesn't convey the credibility you need for this. It really could make an enormous difference in your sales figures.

Look at it this way - you're asking your prospect to entrust people's lives to your product. Their first impression - their first "look" at your product - is going to be critical to the sale.

[Collette]

Originally Posted by runfast

Was there a hungry market for horseless carriages, playdough, post-it note and etc?

Sometimes we have to create the opportunites then sell it. Then create such a stir that it becomes a need.

Thanks for your feedback.

The desire for a smaller, faster, and more comfortable alternative to horse carriages was already there. The technology wasn't. Horseless carriages struggled until Henry Ford automated his factories and produced cheap automobiles that the masses could afford.

PlayDoh had a predecessor - Plasticine. Same stuff, but the makers of PlayDoh saw a way to improve on an existing product that was already selling gangbusters. Plasticine used dyes which adhered to textiles and surfaces, and which were not certified non-toxic. PlayDoh developed non-toxic, non-staining dyes, and piggy-backed on Plasticine's success.

Post-it notes had an enormous market that already existed. The market required a way to attach short comments to existing documents, without actually marking on the documents themselves. The market was already using paper clips to solve the problem. Post-it took the concept, and turned it into a stick-on note that would attach by itself.

In each of these cases, there already was a hungry market. The market had already been broken in. And there was an inventor who saw a way to make an existing, already successful product better.

THE most difficult (and expensive) way to bring a product to market is to try to create a desire where none exists.

[Bill Jeffels]

The people that have said taking this campaign to direct mail are exactly right. You may even want to do a 2 step letter since the price point is so high.

You really have to get the prospects attention, so using FedEx to get your letter to the customer would do that. It may sound expensive but in the long run it isn't.

Also, Vin and Collette are right about the "hungry market" idea. Why build a new road when one has already been paved?.

But, you never know what could happen. Go for it.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[MontelloMarketing]

Originally Posted by runfast

Was there a hungry market for horseless carriages, playdough, post-it note and etc?

Horseless carriages, yes there was. Playdough, maybe not but a whole different animal.

Sometimes we have to create the opportunites then sell it. Then create such a stir that it becomes a need.

Thanks for your feedback.

True. Sometimes we must. But... when you have a product that has no demand you must spend much of your time and money creating demand. It's much easier to market to a hungry audience.

[Daniel Scott]

You've got two options here.

1. Pay someone to do it for you.

2. Spend a few years learning how to write copy.

You have such a poor grasp on how to write effective copy (and I'm not being a dick, here... it's a very difficult, acquired skill) that were you to want to write anything remotely successful it would take years.

The truth is there is nothing in your letter that can be saved... Either spend the money on a writer or perhaps find another way to sell these babies (cold calling? Door to door?).

-Dan

[Hesster]

I think that there is a market for a product like this, considering that road construction companies have to pay someone to stand around and hold a sign. It's also a dangerous job, considering that cars don't always stop. There have been many cases where flaggers have been run over and injured or killed. Think about it in terms of saving someone's life, and the company not having to pay workman's comp.

I agree with the other posters. A product like this is going to need the hand of a marketer that's experienced with working with B2B and in the construction field. Hire a professional. It will cost a lot more up front, but it will save you money in the end. Think about it like your product. Up front cost is more than made up for by the end. If hiring a professional gets you 3 or 4 more sales, you've more than made up for the cost.

[Richard Kent]

I think that to sell this good product you will need more than a good sales letter.
Person who decide to buy this kind of products is always busy. So I would change my strategy.

[runfast]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

You've got two options here.

1. Pay someone to do it for you.

2. Spend a few years learning how to write copy.

You have such a poor grasp on how to write effective copy (and I'm not being a dick, here... it's a very difficult, acquired skill) that were you to want to write anything remotely successful it would take years.

The truth is there is nothing in your letter that can be saved... Either spend the money on a writer or perhaps find another way to sell these babies (cold calling? Door to door?).

-Dan

I'm paying someone to do it. Life has taught me you don't need to know everything to make something work you just need to know who can do it for you or be willing to pay for it. I'm told Henry Ford had very little acquired skill. He just knew how to find and implement it.
Thanks for your comments