Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One

Promptor · 07-20-2009, 08:33 AM

Do I get any extra points for positive thinking?

This is actually a follow up to an earlier post entitled "Unusual Product Spawns Marketing Mystery".

First I want to thank the warriors that replied to my previous post. I don't know if you realize what a tremendous blessing it is to get experienced unbiased advice and opinion, and for that I am truly grateful.

When I made my earlier post I was a Virgin copy writer. Thanks to you I have advanced to the exalted status of "Almost a Virgin" copy writer. I took your advice to heart. I listened, I reached down into the bowels of my soul, and hopefully I learned. I'm asking you now to please have another look.

promptoria.com/what-do-you-do.htm

Kevin Lam · 07-20-2009, 09:51 AM

First time responding to your sales letter:

Quote:

Think! is a new evolution in computer software that literally draws an unlimited supply of fresh new original ideas directly from the depths of your own subconscious mind.

Quote:

Think! represents the culmination of over forty years of experience in the field of creative thinking

Quote:

...beyond conventional subliminal messaging products where you passively absorb in meditation...

Quote:

a problem where you wished you had a better solution?

Quote:

..reference material where you can search for a solution anonymously...

Notice a trend here?

That's all I'll read at this point.

I suggest you step away from your sales letter for about a week, come back and read it again as if it were the first time ever. You'll probably find more of your mistakes.

Here are a few other things you can do:

1) Narrow the sides so it is easier to read
2) Use graphics/bullets that have transparent backgrounds so it blends with the sales letter background - I hate seeing bullets that have a different background from the sales letter itself because it shows that you really don't care.
3) It's boring. The color is killing me. Nothing really stands out. The emphasis aren't used well. $49.95? Make your guarantee stand out. Get some testimonials.

axle · 07-20-2009, 03:04 PM

Hi

I agree with Kevin that the color is wrong as is the width of the page, and it certainly needs testimonials to give the reader an idea of what the product will be able to do for them.

I had to reread the headline a few times and I still didn't get it's meaning:

What Do You Do When You
Don't Know What To DO And
You Need Something New?

Maybe:

What Do You Do When You
Don't Know What To Do?

Would be a little clearer. Obviously the copy needs work, I also think the font is too big for this product, and a smaller more intellectual looking font would work better.

However I think the product looks very interesting, I think if you get the copy right, you will do well- it has certainly piqued my interest.

redfc · 07-21-2009, 10:23 AM

Hi promptor,

Quote:

Life is full of challenges. Challenges in your career. Challenges in your business. Challenges in your personal life. Challenges in your relationships with friends and family. Situations like the current economic crisis can pose the greatest challenges of all. How you handle these many challenges has tremendous impact on your life and it's not always easy to know what to do.

The word 'challenges' been repeated many times, sounds like keyword stuffing, consider revise?

Quote:

Think! is a new evolution in computer software that literally draws an unlimited supply of fresh new original ideas directly from the depths your own subconscious mind.

Quote:

Think! is to creativity what a calculator is to mathematics. You use it when you need to produce tangible, practical, valuable new ideas that you can use right away

Good points.

Kevin Lam · 07-21-2009, 02:33 PM

No, it's not keyword stuffing.

It's just not a very good opening. It doesn't make anyone interested enough to read it. It's catchy and intriguing if you actually read it, but WHY would people read it? That's the challenge you have to get passed as the writer/owner of this product.

Promptor · 07-21-2009, 08:23 PM

Thanks for the comments. I have redesigned the page to skinny it up. I use a 24 inch monitor so it throws me off for sizing. There are a some grammatical errors which I am cleaning up. I'm also adding a section called "Taming the Terror of Making Mistakes". I also fixed the bullets - they look fine on my monitor but they were jpeged so the background did not match the perfect solid color.

Here's a few questions and comments of my own.

The color is killing me? Did you you mean the text, the background of the text, the red page background, or everything? You should look at the home page. Actually I was surprised that several professional web designers liked the home page, even though it has an entirely red background with lighter text.

Can anyone tell me what an "intelligent looking font" is. I tried to google this term and got nothing. It would seem I'm not the only one who is font challenged.

No - using the word "challenges" was not keyword stuffing. I don't even use it as a keyword. The lead-in was supposed to make the point that life is full of challenges that may seem insurmountable if we don't know how to beat them, and that the way to discover how to triumph over challenges is to generate new ideas to find our way free. It seemed like a logical approach but it may be lacking in emotional content. Is that what you meant?

Kevin said, "It's catchy and intriguing if you actually read it, but WHY would people read it?" Don't people read it because it's catchy and intriguing?

In regards to testimonials you should see my post in the "Mind Warriors" section of this forum.

Kevin Lam · 07-21-2009, 09:58 PM

Let me ask you this, do you think people find the Bible intriguing and interesting? Of course. Now, why would they read it in the first place?

Wouldn't you find Winston Churchill's speech, "We shall fight them on the beaches", intriguing? But why would people listen?

My point is, why would anyone want to even read that paragraph?

I don't know what professional web designers you met up with, but the quality of the text image you use is VERY poor. I'm on two 19" monitors. Looks bad in both. I can't find myself even reading the rest of your page. The image quality is really poor and the color contrast hurts my eyes. I'm not saying that out of disrespect, it really does hurt my eyes. Maybe I'm just more sensitive, not sure.

So for me, it's the colors of red and light yellow. What's worse is the blue text and yellow. So I'll repeat what I've said before, make the content area more narrow. With the text being big, spread out and bulky, it's really hard to read.

Anyway, I'm not going to look at your website anymore. It's giving me a headache.

Promptor · 07-22-2009, 01:11 AM

Kevin,

First of all let me express my deepest apologies for stressing your optic nerves beyond your tolerance level. I wonder if you have the brightness and contrast on your monitor turned up all the way. Unfortunately many people do this when they first buy a monitor. It may look better initially but the colors are more accurate with these settings near the center position. This issue is similar to turning up the base and treble all the way on a stereo. It may seem to sound better but the playback is more accurate to the original with these controls in the center position.

The red on my web site is fairly neutral as far as reds go. And the yellow (if you're referring to the background of the copy) is a pale off-white. Perhaps you could post some links to web pages that have a more favorable color scheme as an example.

It would be helpful if others viewing this post could weigh in on this issue.

Anyway look at the bright side. The image of my sales page will be burned-in to your retina's forever so it will be a memorable experience. You'll see it every time you close your eyes, maybe even haunt your dreams.

I still don't understand what you're trying to say about the opening paragraph. I'm sure there's some prophetic copy writing wisdom in there somewhere but I'm not getting it. If you could find a way to be more clear and concise it would be more helpful to me and to others that are following this post.

Also I don't understand "the quality of the text image". Text is text, I have no control over the "quality" of it. Or are you referring to the text in the graphic at the top of the page, or the menu at the very top of the page. A little more specificity would be helpful.

As I said in my earlier reply I am currently narrowing the entire page and scaling the text accordingly, and making some other changes in the copy. Maybe that will help. I won't be ready to upload the revision for a day or two.

Finally, I don't take your negative comments as disrespect. There is far too much phony niceness in the world. I find that people are more honest when they are expressing negative opinions. You can learn a lot more from what people hate.

Everyone's so sensitive about the potential of hurting others feelings. This political correctness thing is getting way out of hand. If I had a grotesque booger stuck to my face I would have more respect for someone telling me about it directly, than for someone who didn't tell me at all out of concern over hurting my feelings.

axle · 07-22-2009, 03:14 AM

Sorry, the comment about the "intelligent "font wasn't very clear- I find the size of the font would be more suitable for selling a child's product (just my opinion) and a size 10 or 11 arial or verdana would be easier on the eye, and be more readable for this product.

I also don't like the deep red- I would try a silver gray- the same as the margins here on the forum.

David Raybould · 07-22-2009, 08:36 AM

Promptor-

Kevin is 100% right about the way your
page looks.

But let's leave opinion out of it, and talk
fact:

That page layout/design etc, will
not convert well. FACT.

And conversions are the object here right?
You actually want to make money? Then
listen to what he says about the colors
and overrall design.

I don't have time to get into this and go
through your page in detail, but that first
paragraph is KILLING you.

You have a handful of seconds at best
to grab your reader's attention when they
first hit your page... literally just seconds
to give them a reason to read your letter...

And that paragraph is practically inviting
them to NOT read it. It's that dull.

Your headline/prehead area is the most
valuable on the page. It's the first thing
people see, so you need to make it relevant,
make it exciting, but above all, you need
to make it push them further into the page...

There's a hundred other things I could get
into with this page, but I just don't have
the time.

Good luck with it.

-David Raybould

Kevin Lam · 07-22-2009, 09:14 AM

I don't really care about being politically correct - I'm just polite and kind. I'm telling you like it is, just not being a jerk about it. That's the way I am, until someone pisses me off.

Text is text, correct, but when you save it as an image and the quality is low, the pixels are blurred. That leads to a poor quality, just like ALL of your other images.

Believe me, my monitor is not set on too bright. I've had both monitors for a long time and they're at the default settings. Your selection of colors is just not very good. If I came to a page like yours and I wasn't asked to critique it, I'd have left the page in less than a second.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Promptor

I still don't understand what you're trying to say about the opening paragraph. I'm sure there's some prophetic copy writing wisdom in there somewhere but I'm not getting it. If you could find a way to be more clear and concise it would be more helpful to me and to others that are following this post.

I don't know how much more clear and concise I need to be. And I was only trying to help, but for you to talk back with sarcasm goes to show how much you really wanted input. If you don't want it, don't ask for it. And if you're acting like this with my advice, I can't wait to see your expression when the other guys find time to check out your site and tell you how it is.

The only memorable thing about your site is that I NEVER want to see it again. That's NOT a good impression. And no, I won't have a hard time going to sleep at night. I'm done here so good luck with your endeavors.

Alexa Smith · 07-22-2009, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Promptor

It would be helpful if others viewing this post could weigh in on this issue.

I think you've actually been given very helpful advice here by Kevin and David, among others.

Whether you're going to take it, or not, is of course entirely up to you. But I don't doubt for a moment that you won't be making sales with the page as it is now. Even I wouldn't buy from it, and I'm someone far more potentially interested in your product than I imagine most of the site's viewers will be.

You also still need to change the domain name, IMHO. But I said that last time we discussed it and you said you didn't want to.

Promptor · 07-22-2009, 09:38 PM

Wow - obviously a communication breakdown here. I thought it was clear from my initial post how much I appreciate the help.

Regarding Kevins comments I wasn't trying to be sarcastic. I'm sure there is wisdom in what he is saying regarding the opening paragraph. In fact it seemed like he was saying something very specific. The problem is I just didn't understand what he meant. But I'll keep trying.

As far as the rest of it - one person's view of sarcasm is another's view of simple light hearted humor. There was never any offense intended. I've lived a long and hard isolated life - my social skills are probably not what they should be. Meeting people online is certainly different than meeting in person.

firegold21 · 07-23-2009, 03:39 PM

Just took a look at this myself. I'm wondering if the red and yellow that was referenced earlier is the menu up at the top. It's got yellow text on a red background.

And I suspect that part, at least, of the complaint about the first paragraph is that it's above the headline. The headline is what's supposed to grab their attention and make them want to read the first paragraph. As it is, it's reversed and so neither part is doing what it's supposed to do.

I just finished reading Joe Sugarman's Adweek book on Copywriting and one thing he stressed about the sales letter is that the headline, subheadline, etc. are all designed to get you to read the first sentence. And the first sentence is designed to get you to read the second sentence. In other words, each element is supposed to lead you to the next and keep your interest.

Looking at it that way, which is more attention-getting? The opening paragraph with all the "challenge"s or the headline? The headline, obviously. So by starting with the paragraph, you're not grabbing attention as much as you could. And the headline doesn't fit logically *after* that paragraph. The paragraph doesn't lead to the headline, but the headline does lead to the paragraph.

Try reversing it and see what happens.

07-20-2009, 08:33 AM	#1
Promptor Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 21 Thanks: 27 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Do I get any extra points for positive thinking? This is actually a follow up to an earlier post entitled "Unusual Product Spawns Marketing Mystery". First I want to thank the warriors that replied to my previous post. I don't know if you realize what a tremendous blessing it is to get experienced unbiased advice and opinion, and for that I am truly grateful. When I made my earlier post I was a Virgin copy writer. Thanks to you I have advanced to the exalted status of "Almost a Virgin" copy writer. I took your advice to heart. I listened, I reached down into the bowels of my soul, and hopefully I learned. I'm asking you now to please have another look. promptoria.com/what-do-you-do.htm

07-20-2009, 03:04 PM	#3
axle Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Spain. Posts: 27 Thanks: 14 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Hi I agree with Kevin that the color is wrong as is the width of the page, and it certainly needs testimonials to give the reader an idea of what the product will be able to do for them. I had to reread the headline a few times and I still didn't get it's meaning: What Do You Do When You Don't Know What To DO And You Need Something New? Maybe: What Do You Do When You Don't Know What To Do? Would be a little clearer. Obviously the copy needs work, I also think the font is too big for this product, and a smaller more intellectual looking font would work better. However I think the product looks very interesting, I think if you get the copy right, you will do well- it has certainly piqued my interest.

07-21-2009, 02:33 PM	#5
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One No, it's not keyword stuffing. It's just not a very good opening. It doesn't make anyone interested enough to read it. It's catchy and intriguing if you actually read it, but WHY would people read it? That's the challenge you have to get passed as the writer/owner of this product.

07-21-2009, 08:23 PM	#6
Promptor Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 21 Thanks: 27 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Thanks for the comments. I have redesigned the page to skinny it up. I use a 24 inch monitor so it throws me off for sizing. There are a some grammatical errors which I am cleaning up. I'm also adding a section called "Taming the Terror of Making Mistakes". I also fixed the bullets - they look fine on my monitor but they were jpeged so the background did not match the perfect solid color. Here's a few questions and comments of my own. The color is killing me? Did you you mean the text, the background of the text, the red page background, or everything? You should look at the home page. Actually I was surprised that several professional web designers liked the home page, even though it has an entirely red background with lighter text. Can anyone tell me what an "intelligent looking font" is. I tried to google this term and got nothing. It would seem I'm not the only one who is font challenged. No - using the word "challenges" was not keyword stuffing. I don't even use it as a keyword. The lead-in was supposed to make the point that life is full of challenges that may seem insurmountable if we don't know how to beat them, and that the way to discover how to triumph over challenges is to generate new ideas to find our way free. It seemed like a logical approach but it may be lacking in emotional content. Is that what you meant? Kevin said, "It's catchy and intriguing if you actually read it, but WHY would people read it?" Don't people read it because it's catchy and intriguing? In regards to testimonials you should see my post in the "Mind Warriors" section of this forum.

07-21-2009, 09:58 PM	#7
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Let me ask you this, do you think people find the Bible intriguing and interesting? Of course. Now, why would they read it in the first place? Wouldn't you find Winston Churchill's speech, "We shall fight them on the beaches", intriguing? But why would people listen? My point is, why would anyone want to even read that paragraph? I don't know what professional web designers you met up with, but the quality of the text image you use is VERY poor. I'm on two 19" monitors. Looks bad in both. I can't find myself even reading the rest of your page. The image quality is really poor and the color contrast hurts my eyes. I'm not saying that out of disrespect, it really does hurt my eyes. Maybe I'm just more sensitive, not sure. So for me, it's the colors of red and light yellow. What's worse is the blue text and yellow. So I'll repeat what I've said before, make the content area more narrow. With the text being big, spread out and bulky, it's really hard to read. Anyway, I'm not going to look at your website anymore. It's giving me a headache.

07-22-2009, 01:11 AM	#8
Promptor Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 21 Thanks: 27 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Kevin, First of all let me express my deepest apologies for stressing your optic nerves beyond your tolerance level. I wonder if you have the brightness and contrast on your monitor turned up all the way. Unfortunately many people do this when they first buy a monitor. It may look better initially but the colors are more accurate with these settings near the center position. This issue is similar to turning up the base and treble all the way on a stereo. It may seem to sound better but the playback is more accurate to the original with these controls in the center position. The red on my web site is fairly neutral as far as reds go. And the yellow (if you're referring to the background of the copy) is a pale off-white. Perhaps you could post some links to web pages that have a more favorable color scheme as an example. It would be helpful if others viewing this post could weigh in on this issue. Anyway look at the bright side. The image of my sales page will be burned-in to your retina's forever so it will be a memorable experience. You'll see it every time you close your eyes, maybe even haunt your dreams. I still don't understand what you're trying to say about the opening paragraph. I'm sure there's some prophetic copy writing wisdom in there somewhere but I'm not getting it. If you could find a way to be more clear and concise it would be more helpful to me and to others that are following this post. Also I don't understand "the quality of the text image". Text is text, I have no control over the "quality" of it. Or are you referring to the text in the graphic at the top of the page, or the menu at the very top of the page. A little more specificity would be helpful. As I said in my earlier reply I am currently narrowing the entire page and scaling the text accordingly, and making some other changes in the copy. Maybe that will help. I won't be ready to upload the revision for a day or two. Finally, I don't take your negative comments as disrespect. There is far too much phony niceness in the world. I find that people are more honest when they are expressing negative opinions. You can learn a lot more from what people hate. Everyone's so sensitive about the potential of hurting others feelings. This political correctness thing is getting way out of hand. If I had a grotesque booger stuck to my face I would have more respect for someone telling me about it directly, than for someone who didn't tell me at all out of concern over hurting my feelings.

07-22-2009, 03:14 AM	#9
axle Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Spain. Posts: 27 Thanks: 14 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Sorry, the comment about the "intelligent "font wasn't very clear- I find the size of the font would be more suitable for selling a child's product (just my opinion) and a size 10 or 11 arial or verdana would be easier on the eye, and be more readable for this product. I also don't like the deep red- I would try a silver gray- the same as the margins here on the forum.

07-22-2009, 08:36 AM	#10
David Raybould Top Gun Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Old London Town, United Kingdom. Posts: 1,221 Thanks: 155 Thanked 600 Times in 145 Posts Social Networking	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Promptor- Kevin is 100% right about the way your page looks. But let's leave opinion out of it, and talk fact: That page layout/design etc, will not convert well. FACT. And conversions are the object here right? You actually want to make money? Then listen to what he says about the colors and overrall design. I don't have time to get into this and go through your page in detail, but that first paragraph is KILLING you. You have a handful of seconds at best to grab your reader's attention when they first hit your page... literally just seconds to give them a reason to read your letter... And that paragraph is practically inviting them to NOT read it. It's that dull. Your headline/prehead area is the most valuable on the page. It's the first thing people see, so you need to make it relevant, make it exciting, but above all, you need to make it push them further into the page... There's a hundred other things I could get into with this page, but I just don't have the time. Good luck with it. -David Raybould
	Millionaire-Creating Copywriter...http://www.DavidRaybould.com Site Not Converting? Want More Money? PM me or Email Me Here. I can help

07-22-2009, 09:38 PM	#13
Promptor Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 21 Thanks: 27 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Wow - obviously a communication breakdown here. I thought it was clear from my initial post how much I appreciate the help. Regarding Kevins comments I wasn't trying to be sarcastic. I'm sure there is wisdom in what he is saying regarding the opening paragraph. In fact it seemed like he was saying something very specific. The problem is I just didn't understand what he meant. But I'll keep trying. As far as the rest of it - one person's view of sarcasm is another's view of simple light hearted humor. There was never any offense intended. I've lived a long and hard isolated life - my social skills are probably not what they should be. Meeting people online is certainly different than meeting in person.

07-23-2009, 03:39 PM	#14
firegold21 Warrior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 23 Thanks: 20 Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Everyone On The Planet Needs At Least One Just took a look at this myself. I'm wondering if the red and yellow that was referenced earlier is the menu up at the top. It's got yellow text on a red background. And I suspect that part, at least, of the complaint about the first paragraph is that it's above the headline. The headline is what's supposed to grab their attention and make them want to read the first paragraph. As it is, it's reversed and so neither part is doing what it's supposed to do. I just finished reading Joe Sugarman's Adweek book on Copywriting and one thing he stressed about the sales letter is that the headline, subheadline, etc. are all designed to get you to read the first sentence. And the first sentence is designed to get you to read the second sentence. In other words, each element is supposed to lead you to the next and keep your interest. Looking at it that way, which is more attention-getting? The opening paragraph with all the "challenge"s or the headline? The headline, obviously. So by starting with the paragraph, you're not grabbing attention as much as you could. And the headline doesn't fit logically after that paragraph. The paragraph doesn't lead to the headline, but the headline does lead to the paragraph. Try reversing it and see what happens.