My Direct Mail->CPA Copy Gets Poor Conversions- Suggestions?

[Ryan Gabriel]

I recently began a new campaign to test out an offline direct mailing campaign to CPA offer. I've attached the flyer that was delivered to about 100 neighborhood homes Saturday morning.

"Oak Meadows" is a subdivision (neighborhood), not a city, so this ad is ultra geo-targeted, and everyone in the neighborhood is on a septic system. Because of these two factors, I expected a least a few conversions. Conversions in this case is just an address/phone 1 page submit for free information about a septic cleaning product.

I've had 4 clicks, no submits to this point.

Is there a fundamental issue with my copy here? The flyers were trifolded, un sealed with a red headline on the outside that read-

"Avoid Sewage Backup Inside Your House!
Important Information Regarding
Oak Meadows Septic Systems Inside"

Any comments?

[Astounding Writing Coach]

Hi Ryan,

Just a few ideas to start out with...

1-That thick, red lettering gives me a headache. Your intention might be to get the readers' attention, correct? I would change the headline to a blue headline.

Scientific color research shows that red and yellow do get attention, but in an agitated way. Blue is a slow starter but people tend to stay at ads that are blue because the color is comforting to the brain.

I would also use a font style that is thinner. The one you're currently using may be too thick and may be difficult to read, especially for people who wear bi- or tri-focals, have macular degeration or maybe other visual impairments.

2-I would talk about the benefits of getting the system. Reading about the gross stuff in a septic tank keeps people focused on that instead of the benefits of natural bacteria to keep the septic tank fresh smelling or deodorized.

3-I would use a different benefits headline using different words. the current one is stuck in fear and anxiety. (I was a fear and phobic therapist for 20+ years before I switched careers to copywriting.)

Who is your target audience? If it's a man, I need to know that because a man likes to hear a message in a certain way. If it's a woman, I need to know that, too. Because the brain processes information differently for a man compared with a women, the words you use are key.

Generally, men will be more prompted to respond using power words and women respond with relationship-oriented words. (I am also a brain dialog research expert turned copywriter. Much more fun that working with people in coma and with Traumatic Brain Injury.)

There are other things that I would change in this ad, too. If you need a copywriter, please PM Astounding Writing Coach!

Thanks for the opportunity to provide some feedback.

Talk with you later.
Susan

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by Ryan Gabriel

I recently began a new campaign to test out an offline direct mailing campaign to CPA offer. I've attached the flyer that was delivered to about 100 neighborhood homes Saturday morning.

"Oak Meadows" is a subdivision (neighborhood), not a city, so this ad is ultra geo-targeted, and everyone in the neighborhood is on a septic system. Because of these two factors, I expected a least a few conversions. Conversions in this case is just an address/phone 1 page submit for free information about a septic cleaning product.

I've had 4 clicks, no submits to this point.

Is there a fundamental issue with my copy here? The flyers were trifolded, un sealed with a red headline on the outside that read-

"Avoid Sewage Backup Inside Your House!
Important Information Regarding
Oak Meadows Septic Systems Inside"

Any comments?

Hey Ryan,

The first thing is I suspect that a large number of your flyers are not even getting read.

Picture your prospect coming home on a friday it's been a long week and there is your flyer... garbage time. Picture your prospect coming home and they see a real #10 envelope with their address, thier name and your name in the corner.

Guess what happens next?. They open it to see who it's from. That is half the battle right there!. No teaser copy, a plain old me to you envelope.

Now, your copy. I think to get your prospects to take action you need to scare them. And scare them big time.

You need more than one page and you need to tell them a story of their septic backing up how it will stink and smell all the work it will take to fix, contaminated water and thousands of dollars to fix but there is a solution.

The solution, is you.That's where you come in, they can wait and spend $10,000 or more or they can have you fix their problem for $x amount of dollars.

Anyway, take those suggestions and I know you DM campaign will increase substantially.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[Collette]

An immediate problem I see: The promise in your headline is misleading.

You promise them "free service"...

..and take them to an offer for a do-it-yourself product.

"Free Service" and "Do-it-yourself" are most definitely NOT the same thing. So your clickthrus feel misled and gypped.

Hence, no conversions.

If you got 4 clicks from your mailing, you're getting a 4% response rate. That's actually fairly respectable for offline.

Your problem isn't your click response, it's your conversion rate. Which I think may be adversely affected by the vast gap between the promise and the product.

Plus, a primary driver in buyers is to fix an existing problem. Avoiding a potential problem is not as strong a driver. Which is what you're selling here.

Add in the fact that most people really don't want to clean their own septic tanks and sewage system - yuck! and Double Yuck! - and you've now created a lot of work for yourself.

Here are a few alternative ways to reposition your product:

- As a money-saving, easy-to-use, hands-off solution to commercial sewage company maintenance bills.

- As a "Is your septic tank threatening your family's health?" sort of product.

- As a way to avoid becoming the neighborhood's most embarrassing home.

Then scare the bejeezus out of them on the sales page, as Bill suggests above.

[Mr. Subtle]

Originally Posted by Ryan Gabriel

I recently began a new campaign to test out an offline direct mailing campaign to CPA offer. I've attached the flyer that was delivered to about 100 neighborhood homes Saturday morning.

"Oak Meadows" is a subdivision (neighborhood), not a city, so this ad is ultra geo-targeted, and everyone in the neighborhood is on a septic system. Because of these two factors, I expected a least a few conversions. Conversions in this case is just an address/phone 1 page submit for free information about a septic cleaning product.

I've had 4 clicks, no submits to this point.

Is there a fundamental issue with my copy here? The flyers were trifolded, un sealed with a red headline on the outside that read-

Any comments?

Did you crunch the numbers before starting this "direct mail" campaign? I'd be interested in seeing the ballpark numbers that you came up with that gave you the idea that this is something the would work.

Also, it's illegal to put a flyer in anyones mailbox.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Wrong response device for any direct mail not strictly
about internet dating, making money online, or other stuff
extremely specific to internet usage - you should have used
a Voicemail number they could call to request their free
report. Expecting homeowners to be intimate with the web
is presumptuous, to start. I understand that because this
is a CPA offer your only option probably is for the home owner
to identify himself with his I.P. - so even if you collected
leads door-to-door you would have a hard time getting
paid unless you "played" the CPA vendor using a Proxy to
hide your IP.

Also, your choice of URL is exceptionally poor for several
reasons: double consonant, .INFO domain instead
of .com, and use of plural "septics" when the recipient
could easily confuse it with the singular.

That's 3 errors in the URL choice that, if your recipient
is not extremely attentive and motivated by your ad,
will tend to reduce response because once the URL
pops-up "not found" once most people will just give up.

When I finally got it right myself after typing in
at least 4 permutations due to misreading of the 3
errors you made in domain choice, I was not impressed
by the offer on the squeeze page and the number of
fields it demanded filled were intimidating.

It is also clear on the squeeze page that a product
is being sold (insurance or something) and the free report
is not described as advantageous even if I don't buy the
insurance. So there's no value in me requesting the free
report - I'm just gonna have your insurance salesman bugging
me. Why would I want that?

[Collette]

OP:

...The flyers were trifolded, un sealed with a red headline on the outside

Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle

... it's illegal to put a flyer in anyones mailbox.

Good catch. Mr. S!

He's right. It's a Federal offense.

[Raydal]

To be "in immediate need of FREE service?"

The last part of the headline seems conflicting to me.
"immediate" and "free" just don't go together.

Immediate suggests 'urgent' and 'necessary' and 'free'
seems like it was squeezed in the headline without
much thought.

I would summarize the appeal of the letter to be FEAR.
But the "without treatment" symptoms makes the
home owner comfortable if he doesn't already see
these signs. I would prefer to make these as a
warning of what could happen if he doesn't ACT NOW.

And why no company name associated with the flyer?
Phone number? Address? Credibility!

-Ray Edwards

[RentItNow]

Put a personal handwritten sentence on the back. Had great success with that one.

Take out $10,000 out of that sentence as scanners would think your service is 10K.

Otherwise I would think this piece WOULD get results. Strange.

[Ryan Gabriel]

Well, I appreciate everyone's response.

Given the fact that I am breaking federal laws, I don't think I'll be continuing the campaign. BTW, my AM did approve offline advertising for this, and the main product being offered here is a septic cleaner with the insurance being a backend sale. I also did get xxxxSeptic.info with the same redirect.

Regarding the actual copy, you all had some valid suggestions, and I will certainly refer to this thread in the future.

Much appreciated!

[Mr. Subtle]

Originally Posted by Ryan Gabriel

BTW, my AM did approve offline advertising for this, and the main product being offered here is a septic cleaner with the insurance being a backend sale.

Again, what did the numbers say, when you crunched them, BEFORE starting? I really can't see something like this working.

[Hesster]

Hmm. I know a little bit about septic tanks, seeing as how the house I grew up in had one. A septic tank is a big sealed cement chamber, attached to a series of perforated pipes that drain off the liquid underground into the yard once it reaches a certain level. How is the rain going to flush out the bacteria? Unless there's some kind of problem like a crack in the tank, rainwater doesn't go into septic tanks.

[Ryan Gabriel]

Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle

Again, what did the numbers say, when you crunched them, BEFORE starting? I really can't see something like this working.

It took me about 1/2 hour to get the 100 fliers out, + about $15 in ink.

It's $6/lead, so at 3% I'm making a profit. I wanted to see if I could get any conversions at all using this method. It was just a quick idea to either forget or tweak. Forgotten.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Well, you get an "A" for Action anyway. You don't figure out what
works unless you try it out in the real world and assess your results.

You can blunder into some big winners if you just take action.

[Mr. Subtle]

Originally Posted by Ryan Gabriel

It's $6/lead, so at 3% I'm making a profit. I wanted to see if I could get any conversions at all using this method. It was just a quick idea to either forget or tweak. Forgotten.

At $6 a lead I would have forgotten about it before I even started. Seriously, what were you thinking? Why would you even guesstimate 3%? No one guesstimates 3%. 1% is about par for the course.

The points everyone is making about your copy is moot when the numbers don't jive.

There isn't a single copywriter (or graphic designer combo) on this board that could make this pig fly.

[Bill Jeffels]

Ryan,

Hot damn, you just got a great education in direct mail!.

Now you know what doesn't work. Now it's time to find out what does work. Loren made a good point... "You can blunder into some big winners if you just take action".

You think Gary Halbert's first letter was his 361 word "Coat-of-Arms" letter?. Nope, nada, not by a long shot.

So, now it's time to keep going and discover what does work.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels