Improve on the headline?

Joseph Then · 07-22-2009, 08:44 AM

I thought I might want to seek some help from the copywriters here.

This salesletter: Master Resell Rights & Private Label Rights Products

I think the salesletter is pretty well written, but I think that headline isn't that good.

Any suggestions?

David Raybould · 07-22-2009, 08:50 AM

Joseph-

It's not a great headline, I won't lie
to you, but it has potential.

Think specifics. If you can put a dollar
and cent amount in the headline, or
some other specifics, it will be a lot
more effective.

Just think along those lines and you'll
be able to come up with something
much better I'm sure.

Hope that helps

-David Raybould

Joseph Then · 07-22-2009, 09:03 AM

Yeah, I was thinking of some numbers here.

This website is more than 3 years old, over 2,000 products, with 30+ new products every month, for less than $20 per month.

Maybe these stats can be used in the headline?

David Raybould · 07-22-2009, 09:13 AM

No.

Think about results.

Results the customers can get from
those products.

That's what their interested in...

What it will do for them.

-David Raybould

Kevin Lam · 07-22-2009, 09:22 AM

Jeez, David, hand him the silver platter, will ya? These are home-run advice.

Playing the numbers and results in the headline is really great strategy for a powerful headline. But like David said, don't mention price at the top. When someone comes to your page, they're looking for VALUE, BENEFITS and GAIN (whether it's money or other means that make them feel better), so pricing should not be the determining factor.

Bill Jeffels · 07-22-2009, 09:26 AM

Hi Joseph,

Yes, you can definitely improve on your headline.

A headline should always include a benefit to your prospect a little curiosity, because that will help get them to read to the next process which is your opening paragraph.

And you should use some numbers because that will help with building proof and credibility.

Remember to use exact numbers "I made $8234.56 in 4 weeks", sounds better than "I made $8000.00 in 4 weeks".

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

Joseph Then · 07-22-2009, 01:09 PM

How about these headlines? I kind of modified from my swipe file:

"Discover the strategies of the Gurus that put over $1000 in my pocket in net profits and this wasn't even my main source of income!?"

"Learn The Insider Secrets Of Gurus Who Makes $1000s With Just Master Resell Rights Products"

MaxReferrals · 07-22-2009, 01:26 PM

Try keeping it short and sweet:

Problem: You Don't Have Enough Time, Content or Money.
Solution: Leverage 'MRR'
(Read Below for 'MRR')

Bill Jeffels · 07-22-2009, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joseph Then

How about these headlines? I kind of modified from my swipe file:

"Discover the strategies of the Goobers that put over $1000 in my pocket in net profits and this wasn't even my main source of income!?"

"Learn The Insider Secrets Of Goobers Who Makes $1000s With Just Master Resell Rights Products"

Joseph,

Your missing something that's very crucial.

"Stategies of the Goobers that...", Secrets of the Goobers that...". Why should they buy your product if they can buy from the professionals that are already proven?.

You may think price, but that's not it. Alot of people are fed up with the "Goobers" lately and you should be the guy that was down and out... just like your prospect and then you discovered a way to make money.

Talk to them, from me to you.

Like this...

"Discover The Insider Secret Strategies
Of How I Made $4263.64 In
Only 4 Weeks"

Here's how Master Resale Rights
Products gave me the lifestyle
I've always wanted... and
how you can too!

Joseph, your heading in the right direction, just needs a little story and USP.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

Joseph Then · 07-22-2009, 01:35 PM

Hey thanks. Let me test out the headlines. Must modify my website a little also...

Richard Kent · 07-23-2009, 04:48 AM

Hi Joseph:

I think that "Discover the strategies of the Goobers that put over $1000 in my pocket in net profits and this wasn't even my main source of income!" has a very high potential.
Yes, split test the headlines. But I wouldn´t discard this. Good luck.

Shana_Adam · 07-23-2009, 01:21 PM

I found this free neat tool that may help you its amazing. Ive seen the same type be sold for like $30 +

its a headline generator. I will pm you the link it wont allow me to post here not enough posts

Joseph Then · 07-23-2009, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shana_Adam

I found this free neat tool that may help you its amazing. Ive seen the same type be sold for like $30 +

its a headline generator. I will pm you the link it wont allow me to post here not enough posts

Woah, that's a nice tool you have suggested. Thanks!

And, I've actually added 2 more stuff:
1) Proof of income below the headlines
2) Listing out the product's pictures

I'll see how it works out.

Richard Kent · 07-24-2009, 04:24 AM

Hi Joseph,

Maybe to test your headlines in Key sentences will give you a better idea.

igorhelpsyousucceed · 07-24-2009, 05:29 AM

In the headline you focus on how you made xxxx.
How about changing the approach and instead focusing on
what the prospect can make using your strategies?

07-22-2009, 08:44 AM	#1
Joseph Then Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Singapore Posts: 4,160 Thanks: 35 Thanked 237 Times in 141 Posts Social Networking	Improve on the headline? I thought I might want to seek some help from the copywriters here. This salesletter: Master Resell Rights & Private Label Rights Products I think the salesletter is pretty well written, but I think that headline isn't that good. Any suggestions?
	[WSO] Get 8 Of The MOST Effective Backlinking Services For Just $47!

07-22-2009, 08:50 AM	#2
David Raybould Top Gun Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Old London Town, United Kingdom. Posts: 1,216 Thanks: 155 Thanked 599 Times in 144 Posts Social Networking	Re: Improve on the headline? Joseph- It's not a great headline, I won't lie to you, but it has potential. Think specifics. If you can put a dollar and cent amount in the headline, or some other specifics, it will be a lot more effective. Just think along those lines and you'll be able to come up with something much better I'm sure. Hope that helps -David Raybould
	Millionaire-Creating Copywriter...http://www.DavidRaybould.com Site Not Converting? Want More Money? PM me or Email Me Here. I can help

07-22-2009, 09:03 AM	#3
Joseph Then Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Singapore Posts: 4,160 Thanks: 35 Thanked 237 Times in 141 Posts Social Networking	Re: Improve on the headline? Yeah, I was thinking of some numbers here. This website is more than 3 years old, over 2,000 products, with 30+ new products every month, for less than $20 per month. Maybe these stats can be used in the headline?
	[WSO] Get 8 Of The MOST Effective Backlinking Services For Just $47!

07-22-2009, 09:13 AM	#4
David Raybould Top Gun Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Old London Town, United Kingdom. Posts: 1,216 Thanks: 155 Thanked 599 Times in 144 Posts Social Networking	Re: Improve on the headline? No. Think about results. Results the customers can get from those products. That's what their interested in... What it will do for them. -David Raybould
	Millionaire-Creating Copywriter...http://www.DavidRaybould.com Site Not Converting? Want More Money? PM me or Email Me Here. I can help

07-22-2009, 09:22 AM	#5
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dallas, Texas, USA. Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts Social Networking	Re: Improve on the headline? Jeez, David, hand him the silver platter, will ya? These are home-run advice. Playing the numbers and results in the headline is really great strategy for a powerful headline. But like David said, don't mention price at the top. When someone comes to your page, they're looking for VALUE, BENEFITS and GAIN (whether it's money or other means that make them feel better), so pricing should not be the determining factor.
	Best Regards, Kevin Lam

07-22-2009, 09:26 AM	#6
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 348 Thanks: 110 Thanked 81 Times in 71 Posts	Re: Improve on the headline? Hi Joseph, Yes, you can definitely improve on your headline. A headline should always include a benefit to your prospect a little curiosity, because that will help get them to read to the next process which is your opening paragraph. And you should use some numbers because that will help with building proof and credibility. Remember to use exact numbers "I made $8234.56 in 4 weeks", sounds better than "I made $8000.00 in 4 weeks". Take care, Bill Jeffels
	Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

07-22-2009, 01:09 PM	#7
Joseph Then Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Singapore Posts: 4,160 Thanks: 35 Thanked 237 Times in 141 Posts Social Networking	Re: Improve on the headline? How about these headlines? I kind of modified from my swipe file: "Discover the strategies of the Gurus that put over $1000 in my pocket in net profits and this wasn't even my main source of income!?" "Learn The Insider Secrets Of Gurus Who Makes $1000s With Just Master Resell Rights Products"
	[WSO] Get 8 Of The MOST Effective Backlinking Services For Just $47!

07-22-2009, 01:26 PM	#8
MaxReferrals Kahuna Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Blairsville, GA, USA Posts: 1,205 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 300 Thanked 198 Times in 86 Posts	Re: Improve on the headline? Try keeping it short and sweet: Problem: You Don't Have Enough Time, Content or Money. Solution: Leverage 'MRR' *(Read Below for 'MRR')*
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07-22-2009, 01:35 PM	#10
Joseph Then Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Singapore Posts: 4,160 Thanks: 35 Thanked 237 Times in 141 Posts Social Networking	Re: Improve on the headline? Hey thanks. Let me test out the headlines. Must modify my website a little also...
	[WSO] Get 8 Of The MOST Effective Backlinking Services For Just $47!

07-23-2009, 04:48 AM	#11
Richard Kent Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 26 Thanks: 2 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Improve on the headline? Hi Joseph: I think that "Discover the strategies of the Goobers that put over $1000 in my pocket in net profits and this wasn't even my main source of income!" has a very high potential. Yes, split test the headlines. But I wouldn´t discard this. Good luck.

07-23-2009, 01:21 PM	#12
Shana_Adam In Search of Eternity War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: The Earth is My Home - I love dearly Posts: 325 Thanks: 8 Thanked 58 Times in 39 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Improve on the headline? I found this free neat tool that may help you its amazing. Ive seen the same type be sold for like $30 + its a headline generator. I will pm you the link it wont allow me to post here not enough posts

07-24-2009, 04:24 AM	#14
Richard Kent Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 26 Thanks: 2 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Improve on the headline? Hi Joseph, Maybe to test your headlines in Key sentences will give you a better idea.

07-24-2009, 05:29 AM	#15
igorhelpsyousucceed Mastermind Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: , , Israel. Posts: 1,335 Thanks: 362 Thanked 296 Times in 130 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Improve on the headline? In the headline you focus on how you made xxxx. How about changing the approach and instead focusing on what the prospect can make using your strategies?
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