Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :)

Aljiro · 07-23-2009, 01:56 AM

Hello wonderful people of WF!

I would like to receive a judgement/critique and Help on my very first attempt at a sales page. It is for my own product that is under heavy development.

Here is my sales page (still unfinished, need help):

<<CLICK>>

Please help me improve my sales page. Pretty please...

Thank you so much!

~Aljiro

Matt James · 07-23-2009, 04:50 AM

Hi Aljiro,

I don't really have the time for a full-on critique. But if I wanted to do one I couldn't...

Where's the copy?

You need a helluva lot more - y'know - words than that to sell anything.

Also, slideshow software? Can't this be done for free at animoto?

David Raybould · 07-23-2009, 05:02 AM

Hey Matt,

Good to see you here man!

Aljiro-

Matt's totally right, you'll need way more
copy than that to effectively sell it. And
by effectively, I mean sell it AT ALL.

Maybe spend a little time over at clickbank.
Check out the marketplace, and see some
of the products there.

You'll notice most of the successful ones
have a lot more copy than your page here.

That should give you an idea of what's
necessary.

Hope that helps.

-David Raybould

la dominatrix · 07-23-2009, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by digitalphantom05

Hello wonderful people of WF!

I would like to receive a judgement/critique and Help on my very first attempt at a sales page. It is for my own product that is under heavy development.

~Aljiro

As it has been said there are not enough words but the reason why is htere is not enough words is hte fact that you have not pulled any heart strings. Telling people what your product can do is not enough you have to make them dying to press that button and buy and this does not do it
La dominatrix

Aljiro · 07-23-2009, 06:43 AM

Thanks for the input everyone. I would like to add that the SALESPAGE/COPY is under development. What I have there now was done in like an hour. BTW its not Slideshow Software. Its a GRAPHICS PACK for SLIDESHOWS

Thanks everyone. I need a serious copywriting ebook.

PaulMartinezCopywriting · 07-23-2009, 12:58 PM

I'm going to echo everyone else, and point out you need a lot more copy. You need to really connect with your reader and get them excited about your product--so much so that they eagerly pull out their credit cards and click that "buy now" button without a second's hesitation.

Here are some things to think about:

1.) Who, exactly, are you trying to target?

2.) What's their biggest problem?

3.) How can your product solve that problem?

4.)Most importantly...what are the benefits --both concrete and emotional/psychological--of solving that problem?

Once you've determined the above--in detail--write a letter that really speaks to your market's needs and wants and gives them an easy, simple way to fix their problem. AND...most importantly...put them in that place where their problem is solved. What would that FEEL like to them?

Then close. Restate your offer. Offer a guarantee. And ask for the order.

Hope that helps. If you'd like a more detailed critique, or more advice, PM me and I'll be happy to supply either--or both. No charge.

Paul

P.S.--don't forget to use a P.S.! It's the second most-read part of a sales letter after the headline.

PaulMartinezCopywriting · 07-23-2009, 01:01 PM

Oh, and by the way--I think the headline and subhead are pretty solid. That's a big step towards a good sales letter.

The first sentence, though, needs work. Maybe something like:

Have you ever wanted to harness the profit-pulling power of online video? Have you been frustrated the endless filming, editing, and "tweaking" this powerful tool requires? Wouldn't it be great to have a simple, easy-to-use tool that lets you instantly create powerful video sales tools at the touch of a button?

You get the idea. Get your prospect nodding "yes" as soon as you can. Then take it from there.

Shana_Adam · 07-23-2009, 01:16 PM

One quick tip. I dont like the font. Its not very user friendly.

"Creating videos may get MESSY and CONFUSING at times"

The impression I get is that Im getting a product that is messy and confusing.

Maybe you should not bold these 2 words?

Justin Mandel · 07-23-2009, 07:06 PM

I actually have my own slide show video product (which I will not mention here) but you need to improve your headline for starters. You grammer is not quite correct

ARSuarez · 07-23-2009, 10:35 PM

Aljiro,

I share the view of Paul and everyone above. Also, I wanted to add: what is your "Rock Solid Guarantee"? If you weren't planning on expanding on it, I advise you do. A powerful guarantee can be the difference between mediocre response... and Incredible response.

All the best,

Angel

07-23-2009, 01:56 AM	#1
Aljiro Website Solutions Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: PH Posts: 347 Thanks: 152 Thanked 41 Times in 36 Posts Social Networking	Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) Hello wonderful people of WF! I would like to receive a judgement/critique and Help on my very first attempt at a sales page. It is for my own product that is under heavy development. Here is my sales page (still unfinished, need help): <<CLICK>> Please help me improve my sales page. Pretty please... Thank you so much! ~Aljiro
	Effective Website Solutions Custom Made For Your Business.

07-23-2009, 04:50 AM	#2
Matt James Matthew James O'Connor War Room Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Darkest Lincolnshire, UK Posts: 505 Thanks: 111 Thanked 87 Times in 52 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) Hi Aljiro, I don't really have the time for a full-on critique. But if I wanted to do one I couldn't... Where's the copy? You need a helluva lot more - y'know - words than that to sell anything. Also, slideshow software? Can't this be done for free at animoto?
	Diary of a Direct Response Copywriter Infomercial Veteran Turned Copywriter Wants To Explode Your Sales...Delicious Sales Copy

07-23-2009, 05:02 AM	#3
David Raybould Top Gun Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Old London Town, United Kingdom. Posts: 1,221 Thanks: 155 Thanked 600 Times in 145 Posts Social Networking	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) Hey Matt, Good to see you here man! Aljiro- Matt's totally right, you'll need way more copy than that to effectively sell it. And by effectively, I mean sell it AT ALL. Maybe spend a little time over at clickbank. Check out the marketplace, and see some of the products there. You'll notice most of the successful ones have a lot more copy than your page here. That should give you an idea of what's necessary. Hope that helps. -David Raybould
	Millionaire-Creating Copywriter...http://www.DavidRaybould.com Site Not Converting? Want More Money? PM me or Email Me Here. I can help

07-23-2009, 06:43 AM	#5
Aljiro Website Solutions Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: PH Posts: 347 Thanks: 152 Thanked 41 Times in 36 Posts Social Networking	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) Thanks for the input everyone. I would like to add that the SALESPAGE/COPY is under development. What I have there now was done in like an hour. BTW its not Slideshow Software. Its a GRAPHICS PACK for SLIDESHOWS Thanks everyone. I need a serious copywriting ebook.
	Effective Website Solutions Custom Made For Your Business.

07-23-2009, 12:58 PM	#6
PaulMartinezCopywriting Active Warrior Join Date: May 2009 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 37 Thanks: 2 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) I'm going to echo everyone else, and point out you need a lot more copy. You need to really connect with your reader and get them excited about your product--so much so that they eagerly pull out their credit cards and click that "buy now" button without a second's hesitation. Here are some things to think about: 1.) Who, exactly, are you trying to target? 2.) What's their biggest problem? 3.) How can your product solve that problem? 4.)Most importantly...what are the benefits --both concrete and emotional/psychological--of solving that problem? Once you've determined the above--in detail--write a letter that really speaks to your market's needs and wants and gives them an easy, simple way to fix their problem. AND...most importantly...put them in that place where their problem is solved. What would that FEEL like to them? Then close. Restate your offer. Offer a guarantee. And ask for the order. Hope that helps. If you'd like a more detailed critique, or more advice, PM me and I'll be happy to supply either--or both. No charge. Paul P.S.--don't forget to use a P.S.! It's the second most-read part of a sales letter after the headline.
	Unlock the 7 Hidden Profit Centers in Your Business Get Your FREE Consultation and Copy Critique : www.PaulMartinezCopywriting.com

07-23-2009, 01:01 PM	#7
PaulMartinezCopywriting Active Warrior Join Date: May 2009 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 37 Thanks: 2 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) Oh, and by the way--I think the headline and subhead are pretty solid. That's a big step towards a good sales letter. The first sentence, though, needs work. Maybe something like: Have you ever wanted to harness the profit-pulling power of online video? Have you been frustrated the endless filming, editing, and "tweaking" this powerful tool requires? Wouldn't it be great to have a simple, easy-to-use tool that lets you instantly create powerful video sales tools at the touch of a button? You get the idea. Get your prospect nodding "yes" as soon as you can. Then take it from there.
	Unlock the 7 Hidden Profit Centers in Your Business Get Your FREE Consultation and Copy Critique : www.PaulMartinezCopywriting.com

07-23-2009, 01:16 PM	#8
Shana_Adam In Search of Eternity War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: The Earth is My Home - I love dearly Posts: 325 Thanks: 8 Thanked 58 Times in 39 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) One quick tip. I dont like the font. Its not very user friendly. "Creating videos may get MESSY and CONFUSING at times" The impression I get is that Im getting a product that is messy and confusing. Maybe you should not bold these 2 words?

07-23-2009, 07:06 PM	#9
Justin Mandel Trust Establisher War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Long Island, NY. Posts: 2,968 Thanks: 526 Thanked 170 Times in 127 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) I actually have my own slide show video product (which I will not mention here) but you need to improve your headline for starters. You grammer is not quite correct
	Join Us For Our March I.M. Press Release Generator Launch & Get AWESOME FREE VALUABLE BONUSES!!!

07-23-2009, 10:35 PM	#10
ARSuarez HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Port Saint Lucie, FL Posts: 403 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 413 Thanked 212 Times in 128 Posts	Re: Judge My Very 1st Copy! ~IM newbie :) Aljiro, I share the view of Paul and everyone above. Also, I wanted to add: what is your "Rock Solid Guarantee"? If you weren't planning on expanding on it, I advise you do. A powerful guarantee can be the difference between mediocre response... and Incredible response. All the best, Angel