How's My Sales Page? Honestly...

[humph63]

Hey,

I'm just finishing up everything to get my first product up and running and I'd love to get your feedback.

Since this is my first attempt I am sure I could improve my copy quite a bit. I have not yet started to market this so I am not sure how well it converts, but I figured I'd get some advice before putting it out there.

Anyway, if you could give me some honest and helpful feedback I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks so much!

To view the site click here:

www.EssentialMoneyMakingSecrets.com

Thanks again!
Justin Humphries

[CDarklock]

Awful lot of "I, I, I" going on there.

Your customer doesn't care about YOU.

Go through and rephrase, make it about the customer instead.

The design is decent, structure is certainly time-tested, you've got bonuses and checklists... but I'm not seeing any proof elements, though. No testimonials to be found.

[Roshan C]

Hey,

I am NOT an salesletter copywriter.

But your site really looks preety good.

Let us know how your _ Micro-Continuity Site does, let us know if its a successful model for you.

Thanks,
Cheers,
Roshan

[dynameek]

Hey there,

I looked at your website just now. Honestly, I didn't like the color choices but (that goes down to personal taste I think cos my girlfriend liked it which is a plus cos she's a graphics designer) overall I thought the set up was ok. Like CDarklock said above, you need some proof to show that your product actually works or worked or someone.

You'd get your family and friends to test it for you or give a few copies away to people in exchange for their testimonials (i.e. after they've used it of course). Some people pay others just to put their faces & some comment on their sales page but I'm not advicing you to do that cos you want to be honest as possible otherwise it might come back to bite you some time in the future. All the best man...

[Bill Jeffels]

The first thing I noticed is your headline doesn't "Flow".

What I mean by that it doesn't roll nicely. Take out one of the words "online". You've established it's online so you don't need to say it twice.

You do have alot of "I", I started, I bought, I had homework, I couldn't, I knew, I looked through, I found, I had. And don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with telling your story. That's what you want to do, how you were down and out and then one day you discovered this amazing secret to making money online.

But, for every coulpe "I" did this, come in with a "You", what that means to them. All the benefits.

What keeps your prospect awake at night?. Wanting to make money right?. Yes, so state the problem give them a solution (Your Product) and go from there.

And remember your going to have people that scan your page have a powerful P.S. "And don't forget, when you order my Making Money Package you are going to discover how to make money instantly, it won't take you months, just a few days and you'll be getting cash in your bank account".

Something like that, your P.S. should reinforce your headline.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[Justin Mandel]

Amongst other things IMO your CD cover graphic does not do your plight justice.

The graphic should help people to covet your CD more, not less.

[Loren Woirhaye]

You're pretty far-off from having an effective salesletter
here. If you are determined to write this yourself you really
need to study the classic books on writing salesletters and
if you already have you need to honestly confront why
you aren't following their recommendations.

Selling isn't just about telling your rags-to-riches story.
That's a simplification of how stories work in salesmanship.

Everybody wants to know "what's in it for me?"

It's not that they don't care about your story... they do,
sort of, but in this environment they are far more interested
in what you can do for them right now, today, and why they
should give the time-of-day to your hyped-up offer today.

It's a miss.

Write the whole things over 3-5 more times, with a different
angle each time and you may start to see some growth in
your skills. Read the books about how to write copy too.
It takes a lot of dedication to learn this stuff well. It's not
for everybody - you may want to hire a pro - honestly
I don't know why every dude who makes $1000 a day who
comes through here insists on writing his own copy.

If you want to be a copywriter... a real copywriter, because
you love the stuff of it and love advertising, love the
intricacies of it, love the dedication of it... well, that's
different. In that case, hit the books.

[carlocab123]

Have you tried removing the header and putting it in the footer instead? Sales copies without headers convert better according to Ryan Dies' and Perry's 43splittests.com

I have tested it myself, works pretty good

[Jon Steel]

I don't know if it was your intention - but you used the "Belcher Button" wrong ...

js

[AdvancedSamurai]

Find out how you can finally start Making Money Online with your FREE CD today! All we ask is you cover the $5.95 shipping cost.

Why don't you make the FREE CD available for download?

[carlocab123]

Try putting the belcher button inside a yellow box, #ffffcc I think is the hex.

[humph63]

Sorry, my response has taken me forever...We're in the middle of a move right now.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. They are all really helpful and well thought out.

I knew there were a lot of areas that needed improvement, so thanks for giving me some ideas on what to work on.

Learning how to write good copy myself is important to me so the time investment isn't really an issue for me. But I guess I'll need to write it out several times as was suggested and take out all the "I" references in there.

I'll let you know what I come up with...although it may take me some time.

Thanks again!

[Rezbi]

Read you headline out loud to yourself a few times and see how it sounds.

And your deck copy.