Critique of Sales Page - Relationship

[Joe Koh]

Hi, I am new to this forum and IM.

I have just written my first sales page from scratch. It is about saving relationship. Please give me some honest and helpful feedback, I would greatly appreciate it!

I am still unable to post links, please copy this address to your browser
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Thank you

[carlocab123]

Try using a Sans-Serif font for your headline. Sans-Serif fonts convert better to age 40 below - and it seems like your market is in that age bracket.

Serif fonts convert better btw to age 40 and above because most people at that age were used to reading newspapers and books that were using Serif fonts at their time.

[Loren Woirhaye]

I don't expect you will engage anyone enough to
buy your product with this style of writing.

Hire a pro. Copywriting is not your talent.

That's very blunt and I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but you need to consider the market for products like this
is highly competitive and the letters you go up against
are written by seasoned pros.

[Jon Steel]

your headlines could use a makover ...

js

[Joe Koh]

Originally Posted by Jon Steel

your headlines could use a makover ...

js

Originally Posted by carlocab123

Try using a Sans-Serif font for your headline. Sans-Serif fonts convert better to age 40 below - and it seems like your market is in that age bracket.

Thanks for the suggestions, I have updated the page.

[Joe Koh]

Originally Posted by WordPro

Let's get the link up first...


Your actual copy itself is terribly lukewarm, with many assumptions made from you about your readers / visitors.

Ask yourself, will this attract or repulse my target audience?

But the worst part is this, what the bloody dickens...

Dear Love Patient

Excuse me whilst I gag and throw up all over my keyboard!

What the devil is that?!

Dear Love Patient - PARDON?! Did I just read that right? Blimey!


I do like this bullet point! (For all the wrong reasons of course - that goes without saying lol):

Gift ideas that touch your mate....

Hmmmmm would that be a vibrator?

You've got to think about the entire context of how your words can be interpreted, at all times when writing sales copy.

A little further down, there's the line, something along the lines of ... Here's What Some of Our Readers Are Saying...

Thanks for reviewing. I probably scare all my visitors away...

Updated the page.

[reedcopywriting]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

I don't expect you will engage anyone enough to
buy your product with this style of writing.

Hire a pro. Copywriting is not your talent.

That's very blunt and I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but you need to consider the market for products like this
is highly competitive and the letters you go up against
are written by seasoned pros.

I agree...

I doubt you will sell much of anything with this copy. It doesn't connect, it doesn't stir up any interest and the writing itself is just not that great.

[Joe Koh]

Originally Posted by WordPro

Ask yourself with all reasonableness, which direction at the end of the day is going to make you more money.

All the best!

Mark

Thanks, I should really work on that!