Critique of Sales Page - Relationship

[kkenson]

Hi, I am new to this forum and IM.

I have just written my first sales page from scratch. It is about saving relationship. Please give me some honest and helpful feedback, I would greatly appreciate it!

I am still unable to post links, please copy this address to your browser
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Thank you

[carlocab123]

Try using a Sans-Serif font for your headline. Sans-Serif fonts convert better to age 40 below - and it seems like your market is in that age bracket.

Serif fonts convert better btw to age 40 and above because most people at that age were used to reading newspapers and books that were using Serif fonts at their time.

[Loren Woirhaye]

I don't expect you will engage anyone enough to
buy your product with this style of writing.

Hire a pro. Copywriting is not your talent.

That's very blunt and I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but you need to consider the market for products like this
is highly competitive and the letters you go up against
are written by seasoned pros.

[Jon Steel]

your headlines could use a makover ...

js

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Let's get the link up first...

911 Save Relationship : 5 principles

Oh my giddy aunt!

One Sagittarius - How to Be Tactful Exercise -- coming right up, or, how to stick your bloomin' great hoof in it - by Mark Andrews.

Crikey! Gordon Bennett matey!! What have we got here?

One - Joe Koh (Joker )

I'd get that header for starters, smash it up with a sledgehammer, stomp on it, throw a hissyfit and sling it in the trash, just as fast as you can.

Forgetting that though, let's dig into your copy.

Headline - dreadful.

Come on mate, you can do better than that surely?

Ask yourself this....Is this headline REALLY going to grab my target audience, their attention? After reading that, are they REALLY going to want and/or desire to read on any further?

I hardly think so.

Get back to the 'drawing board' with that and set yourself the task of writing at least 25 half decent, attention grabbing headlines in the next hour.

Remember that your headline is bait, the 'lure' - the 'hook' designed to wrench your reader away from whatever is on their mind at the moment, to give what you have to say below, their 100% undivided attention.

Use it wisely or have your target audience scarpering off this page faster than you ever thought possible.

Your actual copy itself is terribly lukewarm, with many assumptions made from you about your readers / visitors.

Ask yourself, will this attract or repulse my target audience?

But the worst part is this, what the bloody dickens...

Dear Love Patient

Excuse me whilst I gag and throw up all over my keyboard!

What the devil is that?!

Dear Love Patient - PARDON?! Did I just read that right? Blimey!

That has got to be one of the worst introductions I ever had the priviledge of clapping my eye's upon - Ever!

You could almost change that for anything and it would work better than that, let me assure you of that fact straight off the bat.

I do like this bullet point! (For all the wrong reasons of course - that goes without saying lol):

Gift ideas that touch your mate....

Hmmmmm would that be a vibrator?

You've got to think about the entire context of how your words can be interpreted, at all times when writing sales copy.

A little further down, there's the line, something along the lines of ... Here's What Some of Our Readers Are Saying...

What are they saying?

Did you just forget to add this part in completely?

I can't really read to the bottom, the whole lot needs kicking up in the air and starting over again.

Please don't be insulted by my words, I've a terrible sense of British humor at play here which at the best of times is pretty dry and can often be misinterpreted.

You've got the basic thing down, it's just the whole way it is strung together - bad isn't the word for it within this very highly competitive niche.

If you want to come across as an expert, authoritively in this niche, this sales copy is going to have to be, nail meets head, spot on.

At the moment you might as well have missed the nail completely and brought your hammer straight down on your thumb instead.

OW!

Yes, it IS that bad!

Screw it up, chuck it in the trash and start again or hire a decent copywriter to do this for you, if you really want to make some great whalloping wads - dollops of cash to shove in your bank account.

[kkenson]

Originally Posted by Jon Steel

your headlines could use a makover ...

js

Originally Posted by carlocab123

Try using a Sans-Serif font for your headline. Sans-Serif fonts convert better to age 40 below - and it seems like your market is in that age bracket.

Thanks for the suggestions, I have updated the page.

[kkenson]

Originally Posted by WordPro

Let's get the link up first...


Your actual copy itself is terribly lukewarm, with many assumptions made from you about your readers / visitors.

Ask yourself, will this attract or repulse my target audience?

But the worst part is this, what the bloody dickens...

Dear Love Patient

Excuse me whilst I gag and throw up all over my keyboard!

What the devil is that?!

Dear Love Patient - PARDON?! Did I just read that right? Blimey!


I do like this bullet point! (For all the wrong reasons of course - that goes without saying lol):

Gift ideas that touch your mate....

Hmmmmm would that be a vibrator?

You've got to think about the entire context of how your words can be interpreted, at all times when writing sales copy.

A little further down, there's the line, something along the lines of ... Here's What Some of Our Readers Are Saying...

Thanks for reviewing. I probably scare all my visitors away...

Updated the page.

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

It'll take a whole hell of a lot more than an hour or so, or a rush job to update that sales copy.

You can't possibly have done it correctly in that timeframe for a decent conversion rate.

When a professional copywriter takes weeks to produce a piece of good copy, a complete amateur cannot possibly update a page so quickly.

To respect the copywriters critiqueing methods here, at least spend a good amount of time on it making the required adjustments instead of thinking, "Oh that'll do, I'll just fling on some changes, like daub at a wall."

It won't do at all -- it needs a complete overhaul and that is going to take you some time.

Let us know how you get on with this in a few weeks time.

Best of luck! You're going to need it if you attempt this all by yourself.

Ask yourself, if you really want to spend a great deal of time doing this, when you could be concentrating on other tasks that you excel at.

Ask yourself whether it is worth hiring a very good copywriter who can make you a great deal of money from your sales copy, whether that investment is worth it.

Ask yourself with all reasonableness, which direction at the end of the day is going to make you more money.

All the best!

Mark

[reedcopywriting]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

I don't expect you will engage anyone enough to
buy your product with this style of writing.

Hire a pro. Copywriting is not your talent.

That's very blunt and I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but you need to consider the market for products like this
is highly competitive and the letters you go up against
are written by seasoned pros.

I agree...

I doubt you will sell much of anything with this copy. It doesn't connect, it doesn't stir up any interest and the writing itself is just not that great.

[kkenson]

Originally Posted by WordPro

Ask yourself with all reasonableness, which direction at the end of the day is going to make you more money.

All the best!

Mark

Thanks, I should really work on that!