PLS HELP!! Which SALESLETTER should I use??!

Hi guys! I finished my 1st site, and not sure which "version" of my salesletter is best. Its for a lice killing ebook telling people a natural easy, cheap way to kill lice and their eggs...



Thanks all for your help! You are super.





Thanks guys!! You are all awesome!!

Sheila

[Raydal]

A big hindrance is the poor use of colors and your website
look 1980's-ish. You need a better layout, font choice
even BEFORE you start looking at your message.

Just coming to the page it wasn't encouraging to read.

-Ray Edwards

Thanks Ray! I used Verdana for my main body text, shoudl I use 12point arial instead? I guess take the colors off of words that are blue/red/green? is that what you mean by 80's?

Thanks!

[runr01]

Hi Sheila:
I am no expert at sales copy, like you, I am convinced I have what it takes to make my IM business a success.

Hope you don't mind my "consumer's" reaction to your pages.
The colors on the page are appealing to this topic, I like the use of them.
However:
1) Is it a membership site? The image on top left suggests so, a bit confusing.

2) Perhaps the use of empathy would work eg:
Begin with the "pains:" Red, raw scalp, scratching scalp, pulling air, embarrassment, tons of laundry, remove from school, etc. That way, I, the consumer can identify immediately and want to read more on to learn how to solve my child's embarrassing dilemma.

3) The price at the top does not encourage me to read on. I think it might be better lower down on the page. I believe if the consumer identifies with the pain and want to get rid of it, they will buy no matter what the price.

One of your headings was for me, as a mother, a turn off: "
Are you poisoning your child...?"

A Gentler approach could be: are the numerous over the counter remedies, not getting rid of (killing) the lice, but instead, is slowly releasing toxins into your little one's system? Then go on to bullet point some smelly, horrible, toxins (ingredients) that these products have in them. This way you can really position your natural remedy.

I am open to Comments on my comments.

Thank you for allowing me to ramble on.

Keep up the good work.
Donna.

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by simba999

Thanks Ray! I used Verdana for my main body text, shoudl I use 12point arial instead? I guess take the colors off of words that are blue/red/green? is that what you mean by 80's?

Thanks!

Typically you don't want to use more than 3 different font/color
because the color becomes a distraction (except you're selling
to children--and then you are still selling to adults because
adults buy for children).

You don't want the presentation of your message to take away
from the message itself.

-Ray Edwards.

Hi Donna! Thanks for your comments. No its not a membership site, but since the name of the product is a LICENSE TO KILL NATURALLY...i put a "license" graphic there...I like the colors too, the price not being that important, you are correct, not the "selling point"...I like your idea of putting the "pains" there at the top...because that is what they want to avoid...all great points...just not sure how to structure the top part mostly...i think that is the hardest part for me.

do you like the "breakthrough treatment....headline" or should I change that...how about taking out the top header? or leave that in there? thanks

I appreicate all your time and help!
sheila

[Bill Jeffels]

Hi Sheila,

What I would suggest to you is the following.

Imagine that you have one of your friends over and your talking Mom to Mom. Your friend has just told you that her daughter has lice and she'll try anything to get rid of it... she's desperate.

Now what would you say to that person face to face to "Sell" them your book. Speak to them from one mom to another. Address the problem, agitate the problem and then the solution (your product).

The graphics have been brought up. You don't need all of those different colours.

You have a big benefit here. And that is that your a mom and your selling to a mom. So, like I said, just sell it one parent to another.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

[Justin Mandel]

You need to format your sales letter.

Besides the colors it makes for difficult reading.

Best of Luck!

[Alexa Smith]

Hi Sheila,

I'm only a "beginning copywriter", if that, but a bit of a writer and a bit of a Warrior and a bit of a consumer and so on ... but I can still promise you confidently that Mark's advice to you in the posts right above this one is really great advice and you'll benefit enormously from taking all of it on board.

Good Golly! WOW was that an incredible amount of info...the sad thing is I paid 2 people to write those versions...I take FULL credit for the over coloring and tons of photos...that was all me...but ugh! I was hoping the letters they wrote would be better than "junk"....I am definately not a copywriter...i was hoping to start selling a little before spending a few grand on a top copywriter....

Mark, awesome bits of juicy nuggets of gold there! I agree with what you said, and yes, unfortunately since this is my "baby" if you will, i put ALL MY OWN personal likes into it, like flashy bright colors and lots and lots of photos...and i love the graphics for the site and ebook so much, i plastered them all over the place....all wrong i see...i need to start over, the problem is not sure what to keep and what not to keep....short punchy sentances, i like that...problem, solution...ok...

talk to them like they are a friend of mine...so should i ditch the whole "my story" and how it happened to me and how i found a great solution part...take that out?

any good headline ideas? is the breakthough treatment a keeper for a headline...or no headline at all?

Thanks guys....yeah, a little disapointed, but i REALLY REALLY want this to be successful,....i will work to improve it....thanks

Sheila Thanks guys....but always willing to hear more...

Thanks Alexa!! I think you are right on with that...

[Alexa Smith]

By the way, I think you have a very cool domain-name for this project!

Thanks Alexa!! YAY, something i did right Just kidding, i wanted a short easy to remember name and KILL and LICE are both pretty good words for it Why does copywriting/salesletters have to be so difficult...i figured for a product they need, why so much work to convince them they need it, they already know that oh well, its definately an art. Sheila

[SeanCooper]

Page #3 is the best in my opinion, but still not good as other people have pointed out.

The easiest way I know how to create a GOOD salesletter in the least amount of time possible is by modeling a proven one.

If I were you I'd go to this website:
getcheckingnow.com/
...and use that as a base to model you own salesletter.

So for example, your headline could be:

Are you desperate for a way to get rid of your lice problem permanently, without spending a lot of money?

You can still have lice-free hair TODAY - even if you've tried other solutions before and they've failed.

By the way, I don't believe using a swipe file is the best idea because beginners usually get too caught up in how they're saying something, as opposed to what they're saying. Finding your prospect's hot buttons and filling their specific need.

But why I chose the website above as a good starting place is because the type of buyer going to both sites is basically the same. They're searching for a single, one-time solution.

Thanks Sean! back to the drawing board....i will probably just pay someone to do it again, thanks

[activetrader]

Sheila,

Take a look at this thread see if you find it useful

A Layman's Guide To Writing Your Own Copy With Ease