hypnosis-training.com copywriting critique

[keystothemind]

Hey Everyone.
I wrote the copy for a product i am selling at hypnosis-training.com myself, and it converts passably (largely due to a small but very loyal customer base), although i am certain it could be a great deal more compelling.

I have been perusing the archives her for sometime now, and have been very impressed by the expertise and helpfulness of the members here, and so would be most grateful for any advice or constructive comments on the existing copy.

Feel free to be as brutal as possible, i want to learn.

Thank you all for your help.
Nathan Thomas

PS
although the material of the product may not appeal to all readers here, i would naturally be delighted to give free or discounted copies of the product being sold to anyone who helps out, if you are interested please just mention it in your posting.

[jukeboxhero]

Headline is weak: Why do I want to be a master hypnotist...What's the feeling i'm after.

How would I feel once I've delved into the mind of Erickson...m (Who gives a sh't, delving into a mind won't give me a feeling)

How would I feel when: How to obliterate skepticism (Confusing)

"responses so you can virtually guarantee that they accept your suggestions"
would sound better as: "guaranteeing acceptance of your suggestions"


I'm a bit limited on time...So I'll give you a suggestion that can help trim down your copy a ton...Just go through it and everyline ask yourself "Who gives a sh*t and why"

[Loren Woirhaye]

Your fonts are too small. Use 12-point or larger. Not everybody
has eagle-eyes. You're just going to alienate older readers
with tiny, spindly fonts.

Your writing tends to the verbose. Try to shorten sentences.

I would lose the picture of the product at the head. I know you
are proud of the graphic. If you want to sell more stuff focus
on words, because the salesletter is a written format.

The headline is not exciting. It does, however, have a core
promise in it. The promise is too general. "master hypnotist"
is too abstract, conceptually.

I don't know what you mean by "master hypnotist" and neither
will most readers. You aren't offering a certification are you?

I don't care about "Nathan Thomas C.H" and the "C.H." is
ambiguous. You've just put that there to puff your ego.
Unless you are a household name it's irrelevant. You can
still keep it, but your name here doesn't engage the reader.
Sometimes I like to introduce the author a few paragraphs
down, ie "I'm Nathan Thomas. I studied hypnosis under some
of the great masters of our times. In working with my own
students I found they were plagued by 3 problems preventing
them from mastering hypnosis..." and so on.

There's a lot more. Your use of "voice" is squidgey. Soft.
Noncommital. Passive. Perhaps that works for you in
face-to-face persuasion. In the written word people look
for certainty. You could practically slash out half of your
letter... phrases like "I’d sit there", "Both having long since
left this world" and,
"Whether you are just starting out in hypnosis and want to vastly increase your skill and confidence, or even if you are a professional hypnotist looking skyrocket your ability this course created by Nathan Thomas and IATH will forever change the way you look at hypnosis."

...which is one sentence with a vague promise.

Your letter lacks fundamental specificity and punch in your
writing. I'd tell you to hire a pro but maybe, if you've just
got to write this yourself for financial reasons you should
enroll in a writing course at a local college.

[CDarklock]

Headline is weak, as stated.

Bulleted list is too passive. Everything is about "have done" or "can do" - switch to a "do" pattern. "Just imagine how you will feel when you: delve into the minds, easily and successfully hypnotise, rapidly induce hallucinations, elicit any and all hypnotic phenomena, etc." This goes on throughout the page; it lacks immediacy. Everything is either something that has happened, or can happen. Nothing is happening.

Loads of grammatical errors. Little too much "I, I, I" in the midsection... some is unavoidable as you tell your story, but there's a bit more of it than needed.

Honestly, the biggest criticism I have is that it feels artificial. It's a little bit sales-y, and a little bit conversational, and there's a little use of hypnotic technique. It never quite settles into something that feels natural and flows. It feels like you sat down and wrote a letter, then tried to turn it into a sales letter, then used some of your hypnotic training to improve the sales copy.

It just isn't comfortable with what it is, and leaves me feeling uncomfortable most of the way through it. Especially when promoting a hypnosis course, it should quickly put me into a comfortable place and lead me through the page with growing momentum until I crash into the "buy now" button and can't help but click it.

[keystothemind]

Thanks a lot, that's a very good points, and i definitely see the importance of immediately tapping into feelings and being quite straight to the point, with a definite flow.

As well as improving the copy so as to boost sales of this product, i naturally want to increase my own skill as a copywriter also, so these tips are extremely useful.

Thank you all.
Nathan