Critque my sales page?

slashman · 08-06-2009, 09:32 AM

Hi everyone,

I'm a little afraid to ask for help here after reading this post:

Before You Ask For A Critique *rant*

But I could really use some help on my page... keep in mind that I didn't spend 15 minutes on the page.

Anxiety Control System Official Site | Stop Your Panic Attacks and Anxiety Now

Please let me know what you think. I appreciate all help in advanced... I know you guys are the best... I always read this forum and I always find something new and interesting. I also like the close knit community of copy writers you have here...fun to read

George Christodoulou

P.S. I added that new buy now button because people said it really helped their conversions.

Alexa Smith · 08-06-2009, 11:37 AM

Hi George - the text on the "affiliates" page refers to "Colon Cleansing Blueprint", not the panic attacks product.

Chris Ramsey · 08-06-2009, 12:43 PM

Before I dive further into the page, I'll tell you that the headline needs work.

Ok, so you discovered something. Cool. What does that mean for the reader?

You need to connect with them in the headline. It's THE MOST important piece of text on the page.

Get into the readers head. Scare the crap out of them with your headline. Make them stick around and read the first few sentences of your copy.

Chris Ramsey · 08-06-2009, 12:47 PM

You're also going to want to watch your spelling. I see a few things wrong on the first couple paragraphs.

Here are a few tips.

Keep your first sentence short. It must compel the reader to read the next sentence. Introducing yourself doesn't work.
Skip "Dear friend". Use something more personal. "Dear Anxious Reader" is better, but not great.
Maybe start with some bullets. Tell the reader what will happen if they read your letter the entire way through.
You talk a whole lot about yourself. It happens to everyone. I've even had a lot of that trouble when writing copy for my own things too. It's hard to break, but you've got to.

Bill Jeffels · 08-06-2009, 01:29 PM

Hey George,

I think you have a great market here. If you could eliminate someones anxiety and panic it would be worth alot of money to you. And judging by all the testimonials you know how to do that.

Your headline is not strong enough, your professioal writer thing could be used maybe as a subhead. Your opening should be changed. Start with writing from me to you. I found what your opening should be a little bit down your page. "I suffered from panic attacks for nearly 10 years of my life...". What's in it for them. Here's an idea.

Want to get your confidence back?...

How To Eliminate Panic Attacks
And Anxiety With A Little
Known Technique

Professional writer eliminates 10 years
of anxiety heart break with an
amazing new break-through

Dear anxiety sufferer

If you would you like to discover how I quickly ended my 10 years of anxiety with an easy new technique then pay close attention to this letter.

Why? Hi my name is...

Tell them your story, the pain the frustration then your discovery, how your going to change their lives.

Best,

Bill Jeffels

RentItNow · 08-06-2009, 03:34 PM

I think I would approach it much different. To me if I was having attacks and can get rid of them, I would say, "Hey! I can finally go out in a crowd and not worry." or "I found a new job once I was able to handle my attacks".

2nd. I could not get past the headlines and first paragraph. They are all about you and not what you can do for me. You may be able to help me but you do not draw me past the first paragraph. This paragraph would draw me in "A Strange Call...."

3rd. That pic needs cleaned up, brightened, something. It's almost depressing. Do it over if you have to.

slashman · 08-07-2009, 09:37 AM

Hello,

Sorry I have not posted a response. I was reading and trying to implement these ideas.

I have not uploaded anything yet since I'm still in the middle of it.

I have to say that I am amazed at this response! I thought I was going to get a few pointers, not a whole 3,000 word critique... really am amazed.

I use a lot of "I" because it is the strategy my competitors use on their pages... I really thought this is how you would try to add empathy to the page. When I speak to prospects on the phone, I use the empathy strategy and it works much better. For example, if someone tells me about a symptom, I will recount one of my stories and this will have them continuously agreeing with me.

To be honest, I have to re-read the entire page here again. I need to organize this information and put it to use throughout the page.

Again, thank you guys, your advice is really amazingly helpful.

George Christodoulou

P.S. - I noticed the affiliate page... I really messed up on that part of the site, but I didn't want to focus on affiliates until I could get the conversions I wanted. I didn't want to tell affiliates to promote a product with a sales page that needed work.

Justin Mandel · 08-07-2009, 09:53 AM

For starters I'm not digging your headline or subheadline

Coming out and stating you are a professional writer does not add to your credibility when trying to sell a medical product. After all, seeing it from a consumers point of view "What could a professional writer know about anxiety?"

Also I would refrain from referring to yourself in the subhead and write things more from a 3rd party perspective.

Lastly, you detract from your credibility in your subhead by stating "Look what medical professionals are saying...", but upon looking - ALAS! there is only one medical professional listed...

breaker · 08-07-2009, 05:10 PM

Yeah... the headline, you already know.

I'm new to this but I would think you would want to put 1-2 more "add to cart" buttons throughout your LP and perhaps highlight your 60 day guarantee a little closer to the top.

Also, I think you would get a better response (emails) if your free video course sign up form either popped up (Aweber) or was on the actual landing page.

Great advice from the others! Hope you find success soon!

slashman · 08-08-2009, 10:44 AM

Mark, your welcome.

Breaker, thank you for the advice.

Seriously, all you guys are very helpful.I have to put this advice into the page now.

If anyone else has any advice, let me know.

Thank You,

George

aceshigh · 08-08-2009, 07:04 PM

Looks pretty good. Don't think you have anything to worry about.

activetrader · 08-09-2009, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slashman

Hi everyone,

Please let me know what you think. I appreciate all help in advanced... I know you guys are the best... I always read this forum and I always find something new and interesting. I also like the close knit community of copy writers you have here...fun to read

George Christodoulou

P.S. I added that new buy now button because people said it really helped their conversions.

It's not bad but it's somewhat weak and could be better. I think what really doesn't look good enough in my browser is that to read your subheader I have to scroll down the page. According to some studies the area that an eye catches first is the area that is (on your page) between your header graphics and your headline, so since it is empty it makes it hard to grasp the whole idea of what you are selling here. I would try to look at it in different browsers to make sure that the headline is the most visible in all browsers

mariner7 · 08-09-2009, 09:52 AM

Seems good with benefits, testimonials, bonuses, guarantee, call to action.

Headline could be better, though.

How To Eliminate Panic Attacks
And Anxiety With A little
Known Technique

or

Eliminate Panic Attacks and Anxiety
In less than an hour with my 78 page ebook:
The Anxiety Control System

I'll show you a little known technique that really works
and back it up with 60 days of unlimited, free phone consulting.

08-06-2009, 09:32 AM	#1
slashman Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: New York, USA. Posts: 1,264 Thanks: 7 Thanked 15 Times in 11 Posts Contact Info	Critque my sales page? Hi everyone, I'm a little afraid to ask for help here after reading this post: Before You Ask For A Critique rant But I could really use some help on my page... keep in mind that I didn't spend 15 minutes on the page. Anxiety Control System Official Site \| Stop Your Panic Attacks and Anxiety Now Please let me know what you think. I appreciate all help in advanced... I know you guys are the best... I always read this forum and I always find something new and interesting. I also like the close knit community of copy writers you have here...fun to read George Christodoulou P.S. I added that new buy now button because people said it really helped their conversions.
	One PR7,Six PR6, and Six PR5 links (ON THE PAGES WITH THE PAGE RANK), only $97 a month. Coming soon! Send me a message if your interested before I launch. Will only be opening 10 spots.

08-06-2009, 11:37 AM	#2
Alexa Smith Wordsmith (& Skepchick) War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 15,332 Thanks: 8,706 Thanked 11,464 Times in 5,826 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? Hi George - the text on the "affiliates" page refers to "Colon Cleansing Blueprint", not the panic attacks product.
	Alexa Smith ... ... writes stuff that snaps, crackles and pops, even if it's only about cauliflowers. Last edited by BrianMcLeod; 08-06-2009 at 11:52 AM. Reason: removed quote from deleted post

08-06-2009, 12:43 PM	#3
Chris Ramsey The Wandering Businessman War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: The Globe Posts: 1,211 Thanks: 150 Thanked 777 Times in 200 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? Before I dive further into the page, I'll tell you that the headline needs work. Ok, so you discovered something. Cool. What does that mean for the reader? You need to connect with them in the headline. It's THE MOST important piece of text on the page. Get into the readers head. Scare the crap out of them with your headline. Make them stick around and read the first few sentences of your copy.
	Want your next launch to be a hit? Email me. Copy services starting at just $3,997.

08-06-2009, 12:47 PM	#4
Chris Ramsey The Wandering Businessman War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: The Globe Posts: 1,211 Thanks: 150 Thanked 777 Times in 200 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? You're also going to want to watch your spelling. I see a few things wrong on the first couple paragraphs. Here are a few tips. Keep your first sentence short. It must compel the reader to read the next sentence. Introducing yourself doesn't work. Skip "Dear friend". Use something more personal. "Dear Anxious Reader" is better, but not great. Maybe start with some bullets. Tell the reader what will happen if they read your letter the entire way through. You talk a whole lot about yourself. It happens to everyone. I've even had a lot of that trouble when writing copy for my own things too. It's hard to break, but you've got to.
	Want your next launch to be a hit? Email me. Copy services starting at just $3,997.

08-06-2009, 01:29 PM	#5
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 377 Thanks: 143 Thanked 92 Times in 82 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? Hey George, I think you have a great market here. If you could eliminate someones anxiety and panic it would be worth alot of money to you. And judging by all the testimonials you know how to do that. Your headline is not strong enough, your professioal writer thing could be used maybe as a subhead. Your opening should be changed. Start with writing from me to you. I found what your opening should be a little bit down your page. "I suffered from panic attacks for nearly 10 years of my life...". What's in it for them. Here's an idea. Want to get your confidence back?... How To Eliminate Panic Attacks And Anxiety With A Little Known Technique Professional writer eliminates 10 years of anxiety heart break with an amazing new break-through Dear anxiety sufferer If you would you like to discover how I quickly ended my 10 years of anxiety with an easy new technique then pay close attention to this letter. Why? Hi my name is... Tell them your story, the pain the frustration then your discovery, how your going to change their lives. Best, Bill Jeffels
	Copywriting WSO:FINALLY, YOU CAN NOW DISCOVER THESE AMAZING COPYWRITING SECRETS TOO! Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

08-06-2009, 03:34 PM	#6
RentItNow Aka: John J. Adams War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Windsor, ON Posts: 1,094 Thanks: 248 Thanked 241 Times in 202 Posts Social Networking	Re: Critque my sales page? I think I would approach it much different. To me if I was having attacks and can get rid of them, I would say, "Hey! I can finally go out in a crowd and not worry." or "I found a new job once I was able to handle my attacks". 2nd. I could not get past the headlines and first paragraph. They are all about you and not what you can do for me. You may be able to help me but you do not draw me past the first paragraph. This paragraph would draw me in "A Strange Call...." 3rd. That pic needs cleaned up, brightened, something. It's almost depressing. Do it over if you have to.
	Marketitnow.info

08-07-2009, 09:37 AM	#7
slashman Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: New York, USA. Posts: 1,264 Thanks: 7 Thanked 15 Times in 11 Posts Contact Info	Re: Critque my sales page? Hello, Sorry I have not posted a response. I was reading and trying to implement these ideas. I have not uploaded anything yet since I'm still in the middle of it. I have to say that I am amazed at this response! I thought I was going to get a few pointers, not a whole 3,000 word critique... really am amazed. I use a lot of "I" because it is the strategy my competitors use on their pages... I really thought this is how you would try to add empathy to the page. When I speak to prospects on the phone, I use the empathy strategy and it works much better. For example, if someone tells me about a symptom, I will recount one of my stories and this will have them continuously agreeing with me. To be honest, I have to re-read the entire page here again. I need to organize this information and put it to use throughout the page. Again, thank you guys, your advice is really amazingly helpful. George Christodoulou P.S. - I noticed the affiliate page... I really messed up on that part of the site, but I didn't want to focus on affiliates until I could get the conversions I wanted. I didn't want to tell affiliates to promote a product with a sales page that needed work.
	One PR7,Six PR6, and Six PR5 links (ON THE PAGES WITH THE PAGE RANK), only $97 a month. Coming soon! Send me a message if your interested before I launch. Will only be opening 10 spots.

08-07-2009, 09:53 AM	#8
Justin Mandel Trust Establisher War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Long Island, NY. Posts: 2,972 Thanks: 535 Thanked 172 Times in 128 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Critque my sales page? For starters I'm not digging your headline or subheadline Coming out and stating you are a professional writer does not add to your credibility when trying to sell a medical product. After all, seeing it from a consumers point of view "What could a professional writer know about anxiety?" Also I would refrain from referring to yourself in the subhead and write things more from a 3rd party perspective. Lastly, you detract from your credibility in your subhead by stating "Look what medical professionals are saying...", but upon looking - ALAS! there is only one medical professional listed...
	Join Us For Our June I.M. Press Release Generator Launch & Get AWESOME FREE VALUABLE BONUSES!!!

08-07-2009, 05:10 PM	#9
breaker Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 5 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? Yeah... the headline, you already know. I'm new to this but I would think you would want to put 1-2 more "add to cart" buttons throughout your LP and perhaps highlight your 60 day guarantee a little closer to the top. Also, I think you would get a better response (emails) if your free video course sign up form either popped up (Aweber) or was on the actual landing page. Great advice from the others! Hope you find success soon!

08-08-2009, 10:44 AM	#10
slashman Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: New York, USA. Posts: 1,264 Thanks: 7 Thanked 15 Times in 11 Posts Contact Info	Re: Critque my sales page? Mark, your welcome. Breaker, thank you for the advice. Seriously, all you guys are very helpful.I have to put this advice into the page now. If anyone else has any advice, let me know. Thank You, George
	One PR7,Six PR6, and Six PR5 links (ON THE PAGES WITH THE PAGE RANK), only $97 a month. Coming soon! Send me a message if your interested before I launch. Will only be opening 10 spots.

08-08-2009, 07:04 PM	#11
aceshigh Active Warrior Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 61 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? Looks pretty good. Don't think you have anything to worry about.

08-09-2009, 09:52 AM	#13
mariner7 Active Warrior Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 33 Thanks: 0 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: Critque my sales page? Seems good with benefits, testimonials, bonuses, guarantee, call to action. Headline could be better, though. How To Eliminate Panic Attacks And Anxiety With A little Known Technique or Eliminate Panic Attacks and Anxiety In less than an hour with my 78 page ebook: The Anxiety Control System I'll show you a little known technique that really works and back it up with 60 days of unlimited, free phone consulting.