Getting great responses, can I do better ?

Dan Williams · 08-06-2009, 10:44 AM

I've run this ad several times already as an insert, full page and have gotten very good ROI. I would appreciate any thoughts any of you could share that you think might improve the piece even more. I'm not looking for anything major just a tweak that you think would pull better.

Aronya · 08-06-2009, 01:55 PM

"Discover what your friends an neighbors are really saving"?

"“Dan saved us over $1000 year”…….." Too many quotation marks. Only the outer set should be used, in this case. I would fix as "1,000 a year..." (just adding the 'a') Too many dots (use 3).

Your use of quotation marks on the title lines of the testimonials is inconsistent. You start with too many, then work backwards to none. My suggestion; quote only the text of the testimonials. Not the title lines, and not the names.

Looks like different font sizes on those title lines, too.

I'd try to have all of the testimonials follow the same format:
Title Line (each word capitalized, but not all caps)
"Testimonial"
Name & location on separate line, either to the left or the right, but all the same.

I'd fix any typos, even if they were written that way by the customer:
Dan and the girsl do a fantastic job

HTH,
Tim

Chris Ramsey · 08-06-2009, 02:02 PM

Glad to see a physical piece in these forums. That's rare.

Good job on getting good conversions already.

I think by fixing just the spelling and grammar errors, you're going to have a much higher ROI.

xwishmasterx · 08-06-2009, 04:33 PM

Your subtilte: "Discover What Your Friends and Neighbors Are Really Saving About the
Williams Agency’s Outrageous Claims of Saving McKean County Drivers
up to 37% on their Auto Insurance.."

Shouldn't it be "saying"? I had to read that line 3 times before I got it

RentItNow · 08-06-2009, 04:40 PM

I would put a small quote form at the bottom with a dotted border letting them give you more info about themselves or driving record. Let them give you their info via email or fax or whatever. I think this would greatly increase conversion.

The largest offline ad response I had was a shortened rental application. You would be surprised what people will give you for information. I had so many leads I pulled in a second agent just to take some.

They may not actually complete the form but they are then less afraid what you are going to ask once they call.

Dan Williams · 08-06-2009, 08:14 PM

Thanks for the helpful words, I'm ashamed to say I hadn't proofed for typos after I had finished the piece. If I can improve the ROI It will be my most successful piece yet.

Daniel Scott · 08-07-2009, 04:05 AM

Well, for a start, the headline deck is terrible. That needs some serious tightening. I think if you re-did that and got your strongest point across it would work a lot better.

Your letter starts off (in the headline) bashing another company, then you have a lot of testimonials... maybe a headline based around your strongest testimonial would work better? Whatever you do, I think it needs more congruency.

Also, I think you need to add a scarcity factor so you can get a stronger call to action... selling a cure to a problem (like "everyday you don't switch to us you're flushing your money down the drain") is easier than selling prevention.

-Dan

colmodwyer · 08-07-2009, 06:41 AM

Ahh, this is the Dan Kennedy EXPOSED model.

I think your deck is wordy - read it out loud - and doesn't make too much sense. I don't know if you're trying to stuff in too many specifics or what, but I had read it like four times to understand it.

I'd also maybe put in a little paragraph before the testimonials explaining what this is.

It would be interesting to test without the picture, with car picture and any other sensible alternatives that you can think of.

Colm

Mr. Subtle · 08-07-2009, 10:50 AM

Animated GIF below. Give it a few seconds (or more) to load (depending on your Internet connection):

BrianMcLeod · 08-07-2009, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle

Animated GIF below. Give it a few seconds (or more) to load (depending on your Internet connection):

OUTSTANDING, Subtle!

You are so damned talented it makes my brain hurt.

Best,

Brian

Collette · 08-07-2009, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

OUTSTANDING, Subtle!

You are so damned talented it makes my brain hurt.

Best,

Brian

What he said.

Re revised headline: Sometimes the best way to say something is to just... say it.

Scott Murdaugh · 08-07-2009, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

OUTSTANDING, Subtle!

You are so damned talented it makes my brain hurt.

Best,

Brian

I third that.

Man, I need to get up to speed with Photoshop. VERY nice.

-Scott

08-06-2009, 01:55 PM	#2
Aronya Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Escondido, CA. Becase San Marcos just wasn't hot enough. Posts: 510 Thanks: 35 Thanked 56 Times in 55 Posts	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? "Discover what your friends an neighbors are really saving"? "“Dan saved us over $1000 year”…….." Too many quotation marks. Only the outer set should be used, in this case. I would fix as "1,000 a year..." (just adding the 'a') Too many dots (use 3). Your use of quotation marks on the title lines of the testimonials is inconsistent. You start with too many, then work backwards to none. My suggestion; quote only the text of the testimonials. Not the title lines, and not the names. Looks like different font sizes on those title lines, too. I'd try to have all of the testimonials follow the same format: Title Line (each word capitalized, but not all caps) "Testimonial" Name & location on separate line, either to the left or the right, but all the same. I'd fix any typos, even if they were written that way by the customer: Dan and the girsl do a fantastic job HTH, Tim

08-06-2009, 02:02 PM	#3
Chris Ramsey The Wandering Businessman War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: The Globe Posts: 1,209 Thanks: 142 Thanked 755 Times in 196 Posts	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? Glad to see a physical piece in these forums. That's rare. Good job on getting good conversions already. I think by fixing just the spelling and grammar errors, you're going to have a much higher ROI.
	Free - Instantly increase your email CTR by 200% or more... Free - How to earn $1k+ every month from local businesses...

08-06-2009, 04:33 PM	#4
xwishmasterx Active Warrior Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 56 Thanks: 4 Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? Your subtilte: "Discover What Your Friends and Neighbors Are Really Saving About the Williams Agency’s Outrageous Claims of Saving McKean County Drivers up to 37% on their Auto Insurance.." Shouldn't it be "saying"? I had to read that line 3 times before I got it
	My New Do follow blog Directory: Do follow blogs My Do-follow blog (PR2): www.mymoneyblog.info

08-06-2009, 04:40 PM	#5
RentItNow Aka: John J. Adams War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Windsor, ON Posts: 917 Thanks: 171 Thanked 184 Times in 158 Posts Social Networking	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? I would put a small quote form at the bottom with a dotted border letting them give you more info about themselves or driving record. Let them give you their info via email or fax or whatever. I think this would greatly increase conversion. The largest offline ad response I had was a shortened rental application. You would be surprised what people will give you for information. I had so many leads I pulled in a second agent just to take some. They may not actually complete the form but they are then less afraid what you are going to ask once they call.
	Marketitnow.info

08-06-2009, 08:14 PM	#6
Dan Williams HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Pa Posts: 140 Thanks: 34 Thanked 18 Times in 16 Posts	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? Thanks for the helpful words, I'm ashamed to say I hadn't proofed for typos after I had finished the piece. If I can improve the ROI It will be my most successful piece yet.

08-07-2009, 04:05 AM	#7
Daniel Scott The Cake Is A Lie War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Mackay, QLD, Australia Posts: 2,165 Thanks: 291 Thanked 641 Times in 370 Posts Contact Info	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? Well, for a start, the headline deck is terrible. That needs some serious tightening. I think if you re-did that and got your strongest point across it would work a lot better. Your letter starts off (in the headline) bashing another company, then you have a lot of testimonials... maybe a headline based around your strongest testimonial would work better? Whatever you do, I think it needs more congruency. Also, I think you need to add a scarcity factor so you can get a stronger call to action... selling a cure to a problem (like "everyday you don't switch to us you're flushing your money down the drain") is easier than selling prevention. -Dan
	Do You Want YOUR Next Launch to Pull in $164 249.59 of PURE PROFIT in just one week? Click here to discover how I can make it happen...

08-07-2009, 06:41 AM	#8
colmodwyer Raider Of The Lost Fart War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Baltimore, MD Posts: 1,534 Thanks: 43 Thanked 140 Times in 79 Posts	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? Ahh, this is the Dan Kennedy EXPOSED model. I think your deck is wordy - read it out loud - and doesn't make too much sense. I don't know if you're trying to stuff in too many specifics or what, but I had read it like four times to understand it. I'd also maybe put in a little paragraph before the testimonials explaining what this is. It would be interesting to test without the picture, with car picture and any other sensible alternatives that you can think of. Colm

08-07-2009, 10:50 AM	#9
Mr. Subtle HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: not too far from Intercourse, Blue Ball & Paradise, PA Posts: 368 Thanks: 1 Thanked 451 Times in 151 Posts	Re: Getting great responses, can I do better ? Animated GIF below. Give it a few seconds (or more) to load (depending on your Internet connection):
	http://marketingbrainfarts.com/4hire.html