Headline Opinion Would Be Very Nice

[Paul McQuillan]

As most of you know I mostly work offline marketing. Well I have a couple headlines I would like your thoughts on. These are for a residential window
cleaning company.

Which of these are better (in your opinion) and if neither, what would you do?

As always, thank you very much for your time.

Paul

How One Simple Fix Can Transform the Look And Feel of Your Home—Guaranteed”

“A Home With Dirty Windows is Like a Nice Smile With Yellow Teeth”

[Bigsofty]

2nd one is much better.



B.

[BrianMcLeod]

I like the second one a whole lot more as well.

In fact, I like it quite a bit.

Good going, Paul.

[Bill Jeffels]

2nd one.

Good analogy Paul.

Take care,

Bill

[la dominatrix]

Definately the second
la dominatrix

[SRLee]

In my opinion,

I like the second headline.

But maybe it's because the second headline has a bigger font.

Regards,
Shaun

[megashape]

the second one sounds great, love it.

[LeslieZ]

The first headline would make me read the rest of the article to find out more. The second headline provides a great visual and makes me want clean windows.

So I guess it depends on what your goal is for the reader & what direction you want them to take.

[wordscientist]

I know I'm going against the grain here, but honestly I think the first headline is better. The "one simple fix...guaranteed" grabs my attention and makes me want to read more. The second headline is clever, but it lacks a reason for me to keep reading. Just my itty-bitty 2 cents...

[Collette]

2nd one immediately identifies the target market (people who want clean windows). The first one does not. (could be people wondering if they should do a kitchen renovation, fr'instance).

Plus, #2 gives an powerful mental visual. #1 does not.

Depends on how you're going to use them. A postcard with #2 and the right graphics could get wicked good response. An article/advertorial with a buildup to the payoff solution (window cleaning) would probably work better with #1.

[CDarklock]

Concur on the second. I'd drop the word "nice" - it alters the rhythm, and the line just seems to flow better without it.

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Neither grab me to be perfectly honest Paul.

I used to run a cleaning company for many years, let me have a think about this and I'll send you a pm message a little bit later, with some more suggestions.

This is a target market I know well.

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Just sent you 14 headlines Paul by pm, personally I think this one grabs the most attention...

2 Scottish Guys Wearing Kilts
Seeking Window Cleaning Contracts In Your Area...
Look Us Up Today For Your Free Quote!

It'll certainly make them look twice at the ad and remember the business name for years to come.

Who cares if they're not Scottish?

Not recommended for use in the Bible Belt.

[iregress]

Your second one is great, it paints a picture in the mind that evokes emotion (the embarrassment of yellow teeth) and will get the reader to want to click through and discover what the solution might be.

[Paul McQuillan]

Originally Posted by WordPro

2 Scottish Guys Wearing Kilts
Seeking Window Cleaning Contracts In Your Area...
Look Us Up Today For Your Free Quote!

Hairy Scottish guys on a ladder? Sadly that vision is stuck with me the rest
of the evening....

[MikeHumphreys]

SEX!

"Now that I have your attention, let's talk about your dirty windows..."

Okay, just kidding.

To be honest, I'd need to see the whole ad to give you my best advise. It might be a better idea to have your headline tie into the offer.

Personally, I don't like opening headlines that make the reader think. I want to grab their attention and get them reading and I'm not sure starting with an analogy is the best way to do it.

For example... off the top of my head...

"How To Make Your Neighbors Jealous..."

Hope that helps,

Mike

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Originally Posted by Onslaught

Hairy Scottish guys on a ladder? Sadly that vision is stuck with me the rest
of the evening....

Don't look up then!

[dillpickle]

First class headline! No doubt about it! I love short headlines that say a million words in once sentence! This is a classic example.

brings out many emotions AND needs all in a few words. This is something you dont see very often online.

Bravo!

I wouldnt change a thing!

I would be VERY impressed if anyone was able to beat it! I would put money on this one!

Going to be very hard to beat. (Im assuming you didnt swipe this one..if not Im very impressed)?

If so Id love to know...just how many headlines did you write down before you came up with this one?

[Paul McQuillan]

Originally Posted by dillpickle

Going to be very hard to beat. (Im assuming you didnt swipe this one..if not Im very impressed)?

If so Id love to know...just how many headlines did you write down before you came up with this one?

Not a swipe. I actually wrote that a year ago sitting on the couch reading
Jay Abraham's book. I don't remember what he said that inspired me but
I scratched down what popped in my head.

Mike- I see what your saying about not wanting them to think too much
before getting to the copy. For me this headline immediately paints them
a picture that will stay with them as they read. Since there are no
guarantees either way, it must be tested.

Your headline example is one I have thought about. I don't think that type
of envy/pride angle would work. In 10 years I have never heard a homeowner
talk about those feelings. Thank you for taking the time to think about it.

[ghyphena]

Just a thought: Maybe people don't talk about it because it's a higher-level criterion, but the idea appeals nonetheless to their deeper desires. Never underestimate the allure of getting a one-up over one's fellow man.

Having said that, I like the powerful metaphor in the 2nd headline - it's striking. Even if you don't use it as a headline, it could make a good subhead. Too good to waste, IMO.

Gil-Ad

[MikeHumphreys]

Originally Posted by ghyphena

Having said that, I like the powerful metaphor in the 2nd headline - it's striking. Even if you don't use it as a headline, it could make a good subhead. Too good to waste, IMO.

Gil-Ad

I agree. Or I might use it to transition into a strong benefit... maybe one of my bullet points... maybe into the close. Personally, I don't like to use an analogy to open a marketing piece.

It's really tough for me to give my best possible advice without seeing the rest of the piece. I don't know the tone or style of the rest of the copy. I don't know the offer either.

Paul... you have a distinct advantage having 10+ years in the window cleaning industry. I don't know the industry at all so I can only offer my best "guess" as to what will work or not work.

Having said that... it's still possible to be too close to your industry and miss a prospects' hot button that could work tremendously in your favor. It's really really hard to be completely objective about your own business for anyone, including me. That's one of the reasons why a professional copywriter can write copy that is miles better than 99.9% of their clients: we can see the whole picture objectively.

Here's what I mean... Have you ever surveyed your customers? Either in print or in person? The words they use are often a clear indictator of what their hot buttons are... what the hot buttons will be for similar prospects will be as well. It gives you their want language as well.

For example, in the early 2000s, after 10+ years in the massage industry I thought I really knew why my massage center's clients came in. One of our specialities was pain relief so I thought that was it for about 80% of our clients.

Turns out that was only 10% of our clients ongoing reason. The majority quickly switched to why everyone else wants a professional massage: stress relief. By surveying our clients over 30-60 days, I uncovered that point... even the "chronic" aches and pains folks said stress relief. I also discovered the common "catchphrases" that my ideal prospects used to describe their needs and wants.

Adding that benefit in our marketing allowed me to significantly increase our response rates while slashing ad/marketing costs by 1/2 because I was able to eliminate what wasn't working and replace it with what was. It was a difference maker because the massage industry was getting pounded at the time by a weak economy/recession at the time. So while my competitors were getting smacked around or forced to close, my massage center continue to grow and grab market share.

Hope that helps,

Mike

[Paul McQuillan]

Mike- You know I respect your opinion. I may try a vanity type of headline
next and see what happens.

I will also start getting clients to implement surveys. I did a blog about that
recently and like you said, the results are usually eye opening.

thanks