On the main forum they said...

nednewman · 08-12-2009, 07:25 AM

that my copy needs some work - so here I am, complete with broad shoulders!

I have a site where the home page is my sales page, sort of...
NeverEverDiet.com

And i am waiting on approval of my first ClickBank sales page:
NeverEverDiet.com/cb

I am amazed at the advice being thrown around here and I am greedy enough to ask - Please?

Pretty please???

Thanks!
Ned

Matt Jutras · 08-12-2009, 07:57 AM

First off, too many distractions. The top and side bar have too many other things to look at and too many ways to "click off".

You want the viewer to read the sales page from top all the way to the bottom, and hopefully order.

I like how you started off with testimonials...but then it leads into a big mess.

You start right off with 3 huge mistakes:

Terminology like "quantum theory"

Gving people even more links to distract them from your sales message (hint: if your reader has to head off to wikipedia to understand what you're talking about, remove it from the letter altogether)...

And worst of all: you only discuss the features of the product and not the benefits.

I'm only talking about the first few paragraphs here...so you're already going to lose most people before they even read on.

Also, don't use "cute" words like "automagically".

Further, I have a problem with paragraphs like this:

Quote:

While you are enjoying your favorite foods, add some healthy fruit, nuts, vegetables and water. Gradually, you will prefer healthier foods. Your body will demand them and you will enjoy them!

...Because you're teaching potential customers in your sales pitch. You don't want to instruct them...that's what the product is for...

In all, there are some glaring problems to address here. I would fix those first, then come back for suggestions on smaller tips and tweaks.

Good luck!

Chris Ramsey · 08-12-2009, 09:33 AM

Here's a list of things that will help you out.

Place your testimonials further down the page
Introduce yourself and the product before giving testimonials
Avoid "linking out" - You want people to stay on your page, not leave it
Use a headline that really evokes emotions - talk about the pain and heartache associated with dieting or the extreme happiness they'll have when they step on the scale and see they've lost 30 pounds effortlessly
Skip terms like "automagically" use something like "almost like magic" instead
For your price, the copy should probably be a bit longer

Answer these questions with your copy (in this order)

What is the problem?
Why hasn't it been solved?
What is possible?
What is different after your product?
What should the reader do at the end of your letter?

That's a simple blueprint that's been proven to work very well.

I wish you all the luck!

nednewman · 08-13-2009, 01:40 AM

Thanks guys, I am working on it. Will show you the next version for more comments as soon as I finish it.

More newbie advice very welcome...

Ned

nednewman · 08-13-2009, 03:29 AM

Can I ask for opinions on these headlines?

My original product is guided audio meditations for weight control. The thrust is that diets do not work.

1. Are you embarrassed about your weight?

2. Are you fed-up with yo-yo dieting?

3. The shocking secret the diet industry doesn't want you to know...

4. Being slim is not about what you put in your mouth - it is what is in your head!

5. Diets make you fat!

How would you rank them? Any suggestions?

Thanks
Ned.

Bill Jeffels · 08-13-2009, 04:49 AM

Hey Ned,

I like that you used the word embarrassed. Great emotions word.

I wouldn't use that for a headline though. Use it for a first sentence. "Are you embarrassed about your weight?, would you like to discover a new way to easily lose weight and finally keep it off?".

See that, your getting them in the "Yes" mode.

As for a headline, I realize you say your thrust is that diets don't work. But you still want to show your prospect the benefits of your product. Don't forget the benefits and what they are going to get by purchasing what your offering.

Best,

Bill Jeffels

Alex Cohen · 08-13-2009, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nednewman

Can I ask for opinions on these headlines?

My original product is guided audio meditations for weight control. The thrust is that diets do not work.

1. Are you embarrassed about your weight?

2. Are you fed-up with yo-yo dieting?

3. The shocking secret the diet industry doesn't want you to know...

4. Being slim is not about what you put in your mouth - it is what is in your head!

5. Diets make you fat!

How would you rank them? Any suggestions?

Thanks
Ned.

Ned,

Try to avoid the many overused and non-believable hooks that other marketers are using.

What is it that's unique about your approach? Whatever it is, I'd get that in the headline.

Looking at your copy, a news headline would be good. Something like ...

"Newly Discovered Principle of Universal Energy Makes Dieting A Thing Of The Past!"

Alex

nednewman · 08-18-2009, 10:12 PM

Well I have taken on board the collective wisdom found here and I have spent some days writing a new squeeze/sales page.

I couldn't resist putting both an opt-in and a sales button on the same page. I am still tweeking but it is now in the wild.

I would love any comments, please!

The original page: nevereverdiet.com/index.php

The new version: nevereverdiet.com/diet/

Don't hold back...

Cheers and thanks!
Ned

08-12-2009, 07:25 AM	#1
nednewman Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 9 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	On the main forum they said... that my copy needs some work - so here I am, complete with broad shoulders! I have a site where the home page is my sales page, sort of... NeverEverDiet.com And i am waiting on approval of my first ClickBank sales page: NeverEverDiet.com/cb I am amazed at the advice being thrown around here and I am greedy enough to ask - Please? Pretty please??? Thanks! Ned

08-12-2009, 09:33 AM	#3
Chris Ramsey TheHypnoticCopywriter.com War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Orlando, FL Posts: 505 Thanks: 74 Thanked 138 Times in 71 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: On the main forum they said... Here's a list of things that will help you out. Place your testimonials further down the page Introduce yourself and the product before giving testimonials Avoid "linking out" - You want people to stay on your page, not leave it Use a headline that really evokes emotions - talk about the pain and heartache associated with dieting or the extreme happiness they'll have when they step on the scale and see they've lost 30 pounds effortlessly Skip terms like "automagically" use something like "almost like magic" instead For your price, the copy should probably be a bit longer Answer these questions with your copy (in this order) What is the problem? Why hasn't it been solved? What is possible? What is different after your product? What should the reader do at the end of your letter? That's a simple blueprint that's been proven to work very well. I wish you all the luck!
	Get A $2,500 Sales Letter For Just $297! - ONLY 1 SPOT LEFT!

08-13-2009, 01:40 AM	#4
nednewman Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 9 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: On the main forum they said... Thanks guys, I am working on it. Will show you the next version for more comments as soon as I finish it. More newbie advice very welcome... Ned

08-13-2009, 03:29 AM	#5
nednewman Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 9 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: On the main forum they said... Can I ask for opinions on these headlines? My original product is guided audio meditations for weight control. The thrust is that diets do not work. 1. Are you embarrassed about your weight? 2. Are you fed-up with yo-yo dieting? 3. The shocking secret the diet industry doesn't want you to know... 4. Being slim is not about what you put in your mouth - it is what is in your head! 5. Diets make you fat! How would you rank them? Any suggestions? Thanks Ned.

08-13-2009, 04:49 AM	#6
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 231 Thanks: 48 Thanked 50 Times in 45 Posts	Re: On the main forum they said... Hey Ned, I like that you used the word embarrassed. Great emotions word. I wouldn't use that for a headline though. Use it for a first sentence. "Are you embarrassed about your weight?, would you like to discover a new way to easily lose weight and finally keep it off?". See that, your getting them in the "Yes" mode. As for a headline, I realize you say your thrust is that diets don't work. But you still want to show your prospect the benefits of your product. Don't forget the benefits and what they are going to get by purchasing what your offering. Best, Bill Jeffels
	Gary Halbert said "You will succeed through movement not through meditation"

08-18-2009, 10:12 PM	#8
nednewman Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 9 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: On the main forum they said... Well I have taken on board the collective wisdom found here and I have spent some days writing a new squeeze/sales page. I couldn't resist putting both an opt-in and a sales button on the same page. I am still tweeking but it is now in the wild. I would love any comments, please! The original page: nevereverdiet.com/index.php The new version: nevereverdiet.com/diet/ Don't hold back... Cheers and thanks! Ned