Critique my sales copy

jestershaw · 08-13-2009, 03:13 PM

Please critique my sales copy.

http://offer.newbie-site.com

I will also except offers on rewriting it. I don't have a ton of money but I could use the help and would be willing to pay for it.

PM if you are a good writer and you think you can help me out.

thanks

Scott Murdaugh · 08-13-2009, 03:25 PM

It's missing a few critical pieces to the puzzle... There's no risk reversal. There's no social proof.

Oh, and there's no selling going on... at all.

Why would you assume a "newbie" knows what an affiliate program manager script is, or a landing page?

You need some serious help... As in rip this one up, toss it in the trash and throw a match on it.

No offense, I'm just being honest.

If you post your budget for help with a rewrite you'll probably get more qualified responses.

Also, is the site just a free PLR download every month? What's the "hands on training"?

You might want to rethink the entire business plan... If it's just a bunch of PLR stuff that newbies won't know how to use, the product isn't providing them with any real value.

Good luck.

-Scott

jestershaw · 08-13-2009, 03:43 PM

The products are for the members to use to build their business. The site is for training on how to build a site, how to advertise with help throughout the process. The only thing I really lack is copywriting skills. I am thinking of hiring someone to help with that aspect of the training.

I have a $100 budget for help. If that isn't very much please don't even reply. I don't want to hear from some self proclaimed guru that they charge $10,000 to write sales copy. If you charge that much then move one.

Thanks

Raydal · 08-13-2009, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jestershaw

I have a $100 budget for help. If that isn't very much please don't even reply. I don't want to hear from some self proclaimed guru that they charge $10,000 to write sales copy. If you charge that much then move one.

Thanks

It's those same "self proclaimed guru that charge $10,000 to write
sales copy" who provide the most valuable help here. The same help
that you came here asking for, so maybe YOU should disappear!

-Ray Edwards

jestershaw · 08-13-2009, 03:59 PM

Your a funny man!

jestershaw · 08-13-2009, 04:01 PM

Ahh, I see, you charge like $3,000 for your services...I could buy a car for that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raydal

It's those same "self proclaimed guru that charge $10,000 to write
sales copy" who provide the most valuable help here. The same help
that you came here asking for, so maybe YOU should disappear!

-Ray Edwards

Scott Murdaugh · 08-13-2009, 04:09 PM

I'm not insulting your budget... If you only have $100 you only have $100.

But you shouldn't come in here asking for advice and then badmouthing people who are trying to help you.

Quote:

Ahh, I see, you charge like $3,000 for your services...I could buy a car for that.

You're right... That $3k sales letter could also end up being worth several homes paid in cash.

$3k isn't even approaching "expensive" for good copywriting.

Anyway, I'm not wasting anymore time in this thread... And my post above wasn't being insulting, if you post here for a critique you're going to get one.

Do you want me to fluff it up for you? Looks great, I'm sure it'll sell like gangbusters. Go toss the $100 into Adwords and you'll knock it out of the park.

Good luck.

-Scott

Free PLR · 08-13-2009, 04:38 PM

Hi Jester

Since you are on a limited budget I suggest that you search for other sites selling similar products or services and model (not copy) what you do on what you consider the most successful ones... the ones that would entice you to lay down your hard-earned cash.

Good Luck

Joe Bradley

Darrel Hawes · 08-13-2009, 04:40 PM

Good job posting your site for a public critique. That takes guts!

I'll give you three pointers.

* First, you need to focus most of your copy on benefits... most notably, in your headline:

Newbie-Site - Internet Marketing Training site for NEWBIES!

No tangible benefit there. It's a feature.

Your deck copy/subhead also could be improved:

Say goodbye to the 9 to 5 grind FOREVER!

Again, no overt benefit. It's implied, but what does "saying goodbye to the 9 to 5" do for me?

You have to spell it out if you want them to get it.

Further in the copy, you can afford more subtlety... once you have them hooked.

By the way, many copywriters (including me) write dozens of headlines before picking the best one. It's not always easy.

One thing Gary Halbert teaches is to write bullets first. The trick is they need to be benefit-rich. One formula is to to use a feature, followed by the benefit derived from that feature.

"You get 'feature A' , so that you'll enjoy 'benefit C"

The nice part about writing bullets first is... it forces you to focus on benefits, and you can often turn a bullet into a headline or subhead if it's an exceptionally good one.

* Second, figure out who else is catering to your market... and making money at it. Try and reverse-engineer why their copy works.

* Third, install a split-testing script like Google Website Optimizer and learn how to use it.

Darrel Hawes · 08-13-2009, 04:42 PM

Hi Joe... looks like we posted at the same time... on the issue of finding similar sites and modeling them. I wasn't copying you.

ikeos · 08-13-2009, 07:17 PM

Like Scott said... there's no social proof. Why should I believe you can help me? Just because you said so? Yeah... it's easy for people to Photoshop screenshots of earnings; but they catch the eyes of people like me who gaze over a salesletter. Even at a buck, I need more reasons to hand over my trust in you.

nontemplates · 08-13-2009, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jestershaw

I have a $100 budget for help. If that isn't very much please don't even reply. I don't want to hear from some self proclaimed guru that they charge $10,000 to write sales copy. If you charge that much then move one.

Thanks

I feel you on the $100 budget (and on the self procaimed part - but it doesn't apply to everyone). If thats your budget then thats your budget. The slight overbite is in the last sentence. Once they see your $100 budget they are gone anyway. Good luck to you man.

TimCastleman · 08-13-2009, 09:12 PM

Tell ya what for $100 why don't you pay someone to do a professional critique on your sales page. I bet that is about as good as you're going to get for $100.

Good luck.

Tim

PS: My $3000 car is riding strong at 120k miles

BrianMcLeod · 08-13-2009, 10:24 PM

I can save you the $100...

Rethink the whole thing.

Yet another cheap PLR/MRR for newbs membership? Really?

Why? And I'm not being a dick here. I'm asking you to really think about what I'm saying.

There are a million markets to sell into. Why pick online newbs who typically:

1) Have no money
2) Are bombarded by a never-ending stream of better, similar offers
3) Don't know what they don't know and must be taught everything.
4) Refund at a much higher rate
5) Bitch more

If you want to be the next shiny new thing they buy, you need to be a lot shinier if you want to get any kind of traction going.

You can waste a lot of time and money chasing after nickels when you can invest the exact same effort picking up dollars in a different market.

Food for thought,

Brian

ksmike · 08-15-2009, 05:08 PM

Here's some constructive criticism. Your copy is flat... no life.

What you need is a story to really wow your reader. Your sentences
are too long and disjointed. Have you studied any sales letters from
pros like kennedy, carlton, makepeace or joyner?

With that said, I agree with Brian. It's a tough market to break into.
But one thing for sure is its EVERGREEN. There's newbies coming
online every day. Guys like Mike Filsaime etc make a mint in this market
and only got started 5 years ago. So it isn't impossible...

I say you need a better offer. You really need something unique... or
something that appears new and exciting. Like I said before you need
the WOW factor with newbies if you want to make a sale right out of
the gate. You're better off giving away valuable info, building a
list AND THEN selling them what they want.

Good luck and hope this helps. -- Mike

Matthew Iannotti · 08-15-2009, 09:21 PM

You're missing the deck copy

Mukul Verma · 08-15-2009, 11:27 PM

I would agree with most of what is said and add there is a complete opposite there.

You are going for newbies. You mentioning things like landing pages, affiliate split pay, page generators. I would guess that the market you are going after would not know what these things are and if they do, they will not buy into this.

Toss it and start again.

08-13-2009, 03:13 PM	#1
jestershaw HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Columbus, Oh Posts: 443 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 32 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts	Critique my sales copy Please critique my sales copy. http://offer.newbie-site.com I will also except offers on rewriting it. I don't have a ton of money but I could use the help and would be willing to pay for it. PM if you are a good writer and you think you can help me out. thanks
	http://www.viralexperiment.com Internet Marketing Blog -NEW JV- http://www.astral-mind-sync.com/affiliates.html

08-13-2009, 03:25 PM	#2
Scott Murdaugh ResultsCopywriting.com War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Diego, Ca Posts: 909 Thanks: 265 Thanked 573 Times in 210 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Critique my sales copy It's missing a few critical pieces to the puzzle... There's no risk reversal. There's no social proof. Oh, and there's no selling going on... at all. Why would you assume a "newbie" knows what an affiliate program manager script is, or a landing page? You need some serious help... As in rip this one up, toss it in the trash and throw a match on it. No offense, I'm just being honest. If you post your budget for help with a rewrite you'll probably get more qualified responses. Also, is the site just a free PLR download every month? What's the "hands on training"? You might want to rethink the entire business plan... If it's just a bunch of PLR stuff that newbies won't know how to use, the product isn't providing them with any real value. Good luck. -Scott
	How To (Ethically) "Exploit" Rich Offline Business Owners For Fun And Profit... How I Consistently Produce Double-Digit Conversion Rates For My Copywriting Clients...

08-13-2009, 03:43 PM	#3
jestershaw HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Columbus, Oh Posts: 443 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 32 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts	Re: Critique my sales copy The products are for the members to use to build their business. The site is for training on how to build a site, how to advertise with help throughout the process. The only thing I really lack is copywriting skills. I am thinking of hiring someone to help with that aspect of the training. I have a $100 budget for help. If that isn't very much please don't even reply. I don't want to hear from some self proclaimed guru that they charge $10,000 to write sales copy. If you charge that much then move one. Thanks
	http://www.viralexperiment.com Internet Marketing Blog -NEW JV- http://www.astral-mind-sync.com/affiliates.html

08-13-2009, 03:59 PM	#5
jestershaw HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Columbus, Oh Posts: 443 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 32 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts	Re: Critique my sales copy Your a funny man!
	http://www.viralexperiment.com Internet Marketing Blog -NEW JV- http://www.astral-mind-sync.com/affiliates.html

08-13-2009, 04:38 PM	#8
Free PLR Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Northern Ireland Posts: 39 Thanks: 0 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts Social Networking	Re: Critique my sales copy Hi Jester Since you are on a limited budget I suggest that you search for other sites selling similar products or services and model (not copy) what you do on what you consider the most successful ones... the ones that would entice you to lay down your hard-earned cash. Good Luck Joe Bradley
	Free Private Label Rights \| Low Cost Webhosting \| Unlimited Webhosting Service

08-13-2009, 04:40 PM	#9
Darrel Hawes Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Spokane, WA Posts: 550 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 216 Thanked 54 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Critique my sales copy Good job posting your site for a public critique. That takes guts! I'll give you three pointers. * First, you need to focus most of your copy on benefits... most notably, in your headline: Newbie-Site - Internet Marketing Training site for NEWBIES! No tangible benefit there. It's a feature. Your deck copy/subhead also could be improved: Say goodbye to the 9 to 5 grind FOREVER! Again, no overt benefit. It's implied, but what does "saying goodbye to the 9 to 5" do for me? You have to spell it out if you want them to get it. Further in the copy, you can afford more subtlety... once you have them hooked. By the way, many copywriters (including me) write dozens of headlines before picking the best one. It's not always easy. One thing Gary Halbert teaches is to write bullets first. The trick is they need to be benefit-rich. One formula is to to use a feature, followed by the benefit derived from that feature. "You get 'feature A' , so that you'll enjoy 'benefit C" The nice part about writing bullets first is... it forces you to focus on benefits, and you can often turn a bullet into a headline or subhead if it's an exceptionally good one. * Second, figure out who else is catering to your market... and making money at it. Try and reverse-engineer why their copy works. * Third, install a split-testing script like Google Website Optimizer and learn how to use it.
	Darrel Hawes - Blog -- My interview with Ray Edwards Domains For Sale - ForexTrainingVault.com - MBAInterviewTips.com - OpenACoffeeShopNow.com

08-13-2009, 04:42 PM	#10
Darrel Hawes Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Spokane, WA Posts: 550 Blog Entries: 4 Thanks: 216 Thanked 54 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Critique my sales copy Hi Joe... looks like we posted at the same time... on the issue of finding similar sites and modeling them. I wasn't copying you.
	Darrel Hawes - Blog -- My interview with Ray Edwards Domains For Sale - ForexTrainingVault.com - MBAInterviewTips.com - OpenACoffeeShopNow.com

08-13-2009, 07:17 PM	#11
ikeos Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Beverly Hills, CA USA Posts: 18 Thanks: 29 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Critique my sales copy Like Scott said... there's no social proof. Why should I believe you can help me? Just because you said so? Yeah... it's easy for people to Photoshop screenshots of earnings; but they catch the eyes of people like me who gaze over a salesletter. Even at a buck, I need more reasons to hand over my trust in you.

08-13-2009, 09:12 PM	#13
TimCastleman Gunslinger War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,649 Blog Entries: 34 Thanks: 155 Thanked 744 Times in 293 Posts	Re: Critique my sales copy Tell ya what for $100 why don't you pay someone to do a professional critique on your sales page. I bet that is about as good as you're going to get for $100. Good luck. Tim PS: My $3000 car is riding strong at 120k miles
	How To Get Your First Client For Free - Without Leaving The House WSO OF THE DAY - Get others to build your offline empire for you

08-13-2009, 10:24 PM	#14
BrianMcLeod Fingers of Fury War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Miami, Florida, USA. Posts: 2,111 Blog Entries: 5 Thanks: 1,289 Thanked 1,486 Times in 637 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Critique my sales copy I can save you the $100... Rethink the whole thing. Yet another cheap PLR/MRR for newbs membership? Really? Why? And I'm not being a dick here. I'm asking you to really think about what I'm saying. There are a million markets to sell into. Why pick online newbs who typically: 1) Have no money 2) Are bombarded by a never-ending stream of better, similar offers 3) Don't know what they don't know and must be taught everything. 4) Refund at a much higher rate 5) Bitch more If you want to be the next shiny new thing they buy, you need to be a lot shinier if you want to get any kind of traction going. You can waste a lot of time and money chasing after nickels when you can invest the exact same effort picking up dollars in a different market. Food for thought, Brian
	Brian McLeod The Warrior Event 2012 - March 10-11 - Raleigh NC! Direct Response Copywriting \| Get on my private list immediately...

08-15-2009, 05:08 PM	#15
ksmike Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: SW Kansas Posts: 53 Thanks: 3 Thanked 9 Times in 8 Posts Contact Info	Re: Critique my sales copy Here's some constructive criticism. Your copy is flat... no life. What you need is a story to really wow your reader. Your sentences are too long and disjointed. Have you studied any sales letters from pros like kennedy, carlton, makepeace or joyner? With that said, I agree with Brian. It's a tough market to break into. But one thing for sure is its EVERGREEN. There's newbies coming online every day. Guys like Mike Filsaime etc make a mint in this market and only got started 5 years ago. So it isn't impossible... I say you need a better offer. You really need something unique... or something that appears new and exciting. Like I said before you need the WOW factor with newbies if you want to make a sale right out of the gate. You're better off giving away valuable info, building a list AND THEN selling them what they want. Good luck and hope this helps. -- Mike
	"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." -- William Faulkner

08-15-2009, 09:21 PM	#16
Matthew Iannotti Software Developer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Queens, NY Posts: 1,093 Thanks: 371 Thanked 250 Times in 103 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Critique my sales copy You're missing the deck copy
	Local Marketing Titan - Auto Review Site Submission - Backlink Builder - Client Tracking & Reporting + More! Power Leads Pro - Worlds Most Powerful Lead Generation Software

08-15-2009, 11:27 PM	#17
Mukul Verma Hangin out at WF is Work War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Cambridge, Canada Posts: 1,984 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 288 Thanked 271 Times in 178 Posts Social Networking	Re: Critique my sales copy I would agree with most of what is said and add there is a complete opposite there. You are going for newbies. You mentioning things like landing pages, affiliate split pay, page generators. I would guess that the market you are going after would not know what these things are and if they do, they will not buy into this. Toss it and start again.
	Learn How To Get Over 1 Million FREE, TARGETED VISITORS TO YOUR WEBSITE Internet Marketing