I wrote for googlebot, now I need to write for humans

[David]

I've asked for help with my salescopy here before (6 months or so ago)
Many of you helped me (it seems I failed to have a call to action among other things)

I pitch local SEO, I've been editing the page to help it rank, and it doesn't do a bad job of ranking...

I fear I've strayed too far away from human readability.

Could some of you please tell me what is glaringly inappropriate in terms of sales copy?

http://www.frederickwebpromotions.com

When I ranked #1 for many of my keywords I got a spat of pre sold desperate paying customers, it seems I can only effectively handle one new client per week, so my copy needs to reflect that I can't just take on 4 new clients all at the same time, I'm not really sure how to say that with out me putting people off.

thanks in advance, I really appreciate the time many of you have spent on reviewing my stuff and you aren't making a dime
(save other paying prospects observing your copywriting skills, hopefully leading to paying gigs for you guys/gals)

[Sean S]

You have a bad link.

[Mark McClure]

David,

You've an extra 'c' in the url.

This one works for me:

Maryland Search Engine Optimization

I'm busy writing content this evening otherwise I'd comment more.
Your page is certainly a busy one - not sure where to look first, although the video catches my eye quickly.

How about making the focus of that page a pre-sell of your services with an optin to get a case study on some of the many clients you've linked to.

That way you can build a relationship with them 'in private' via email - and make exclusive offers as time and circumstances allow.

Plus you can also educate them on some of the recommended tools and resources you've personally tested. Position that as a benefit for those who are waiting for your services, but want to learn more or try out some stuff for themselves.

Also, if you're that busy, are you also planning to raise your prices and test response?

[colmodwyer]

Frankly David, your website is a mess.

The slide show to the right doesn't do any selling as far as I can see.

Then there's about a billion and one different links on the page... And Adsense for competing companies?!?

I think a prospect will land on your page, spend one second trying to figure what to do, realize they're lost and click away.

So right now, copy isn't the problem because there's no way anybody is reading it. Even if it is super awesome.

You need to read a book on web usability.

Colm

[Collette]

Waaay too much happening on your landing page. I see you're using Thesis. That's good, because it's a very flexible theme, so you should be able to clean this up without too much problem.

Copy isn't your biggest problem. Most people, I suspect, aren't reading your copy. They're too busy scanning all over the page, trying to find what they're looking for. And becoming thoroughly confused in the process.

Google AdSense?? - Get rid of 'em. Really. Get them gone. Immediately.

Slideshow? - Doing NOTHING for you here, and is very distracting. The zoom practically screams for atention. Get rid of it. Put in on its own page or whatever, but it needs to be gone from the landing page.

Your top navigation is so large as to immediately draw my eye there and not to your copy. It's just begging me to click away from the home page.

The body copy is all over the place. Clean up the design, and make it orderly, so that it's easy to read. Way too much bolding. Its like you're yelling in print. Dial it back, and reserve your bolding for the really important points.

Great testimonials. Unfortunately, most people will not read to this point because of the issues already mentioned.

The whole "Google this" thing: I know what you're trying to accomplish here for SEO, but the effect, for your readers, is disjointed and curt. Again, assuming they've read that far.

Where's your "Contact Me"? That is a super important navigation link for your business, and I couldn't find it. Your comment form is more visible than any other way to contact you. I also had to search to find your service offerings - which are buried almost to the point of being invisible.

Other quibbles:

- The right-hand listings, in that huge blue font, are distracting. And goes on much too far down the page.
- You present graphics and charts with little or no explanation of what the reader is supposed to understand. Don't make them work so hard to get your point. They won't, and they won't.
- Why do you have an huge text ad for a Washington, DC directory?
- Why would I want to "subscribe via email"? What are you offering me? A newsletter? A special report? Nada. Build your list by offering something of value. And remember, your list doesn't ONLY have to be Fredrick businesses. Think ahead. The information you can offer small businesses is relevant and applicable, no matter where they're located.

Seriously, it's time for you to consider working with a pro copywriter. It's obvious that you're very good at the SEO part of it, and have the results to prove it. But writing "consumer" copy just isn't your strength. Focus on what you're good at.

[Bill Jeffels]

Hey David,

The first I think when I see your page is it looks confusing.

A confused prospect will not take the action you want them to do. You should take a look at the format of your page and start from there.

Take care,

-Bill

[David]

Originally Posted by Mark McClure

David,

You've an extra 'c' in the url.

This one works for me:

Maryland Search Engine Optimization

I'm busy writing content this evening otherwise I'd comment more.
Your page is certainly a busy one - not sure where to look first, although the video catches my eye quickly.

How about making the focus of that page a pre-sell of your services with an optin to get a case study on some of the many clients you've linked to.

That way you can build a relationship with them 'in private' via email - and make exclusive offers as time and circumstances allow.

Plus you can also educate them on some of the recommended tools and resources you've personally tested. Position that as a benefit for those who are waiting for your services, but want to learn more or try out some stuff for themselves.

Also, if you're that busy, are you also planning to raise your prices and test response?

Oh yes... the price is most definitely going up

the guy who is #1 for MD SEO has 13k backlinks to my 900
3rd place and below is just above zero

the #1 guy charges tens of thousands of dollars because has a solid portfolio of corporate clients, I have a solid portfolio of small businesses.

So I'm filling a niche, catering to those who can't afford the multi thousand dollar campaign.

[David]

Originally Posted by Collette

Waaay too much happening on your landing page. I see you're using Thesis. That's good, because it's a very flexible theme, so you should be able to clean this up without too much problem.

Copy isn't your biggest problem. Most people, I suspect, aren't reading your copy. They're too busy scanning all over the page, trying to find what they're looking for. And becoming thoroughly confused in the process.

Google AdSense?? - Get rid of 'em. Really. Get them gone. Immediately.

Slideshow? - Doing NOTHING for you here, and is very distracting. The zoom practically screams for atention. Get rid of it. Put in on its own page or whatever, but it needs to be gone from the landing page.

Your top navigation is so large as to immediately draw my eye there and not to your copy. It's just begging me to click away from the home page.

The body copy is all over the place. Clean up the design, and make it orderly, so that it's easy to read. Way too much bolding. Its like you're yelling in print. Dial it back, and reserve your bolding for the really important points.

Great testimonials. Unfortunately, most people will not read to this point because of the issues already mentioned.

The whole "Google this" thing: I know what you're trying to accomplish here for SEO, but the effect, for your readers, is disjointed and curt. Again, assuming they've read that far.

Where's your "Contact Me"? That is a super important navigation link for your business, and I couldn't find it. Your comment form is more visible than any other way to contact you. I also had to search to find your service offerings - which are buried almost to the point of being invisible.

Other quibbles:

- The right-hand listings, in that huge blue font, are distracting. And goes on much too far down the page.
- You present graphics and charts with little or no explanation of what the reader is supposed to understand. Don't make them work so hard to get your point. They won't, and they won't.
- Why do you have an huge text ad for a Washington, DC directory?
- Why would I want to "subscribe via email"? What are you offering me? A newsletter? A special report? Nada. Build your list by offering something of value. And remember, your list doesn't ONLY have to be Fredrick businesses. Think ahead. The information you can offer small businesses is relevant and applicable, no matter where they're located.

Seriously, it's time for you to consider working with a pro copywriter. It's obvious that you're very good at the SEO part of it, and have the results to prove it. But writing "consumer" copy just isn't your strength. Focus on what you're good at.

Yup I thought I'd pull the nav at the top as well

Slideshow? - Doing NOTHING for you here, and is very distracting. The zoom practically screams for atention. Get rid of it. Put in on its own page or whatever, but it needs to be gone from the landing page.

actually the paying clients I get say that the slideshow is exactly what they were looking for, my competitors talk in generalities, I provided actual serps that they can check, and these are businesses that my clients drive past everyday.

that's the feedback I'm getting from the people who write me a check.

Google AdSense?? - Get rid of 'em. Really. Get them gone. Immediately

I'm testing the adsense thing... I'm of the opinion that Google favors sites that put cash in their cash register over sites that do not.
I'm sure that statement is likely to stir up a hornets nest in the SEO section but I DO see Google's observable behavior: big G's party line is X and what really works is Z, but no one is supposed to publicly talk about it.

If I ran Google I'd favor sites that made ME money

I'm just testing it, never planned on adsense being on their forever unless it 'worked'

[David]

thank again Collette, I chopped out most of the bolding (I went over board on Allen's advice on Magic Letters, the original WF ebook)

I ditched most of the nav at the top, will probably remove the whole nav bar.

chopped out unnecessary repetitive bold claims, tried to soften the sell a bit.

The text ad is a recip link that points to me, and I'm the only one listed in that directory of Washington DC SEO firms

removed the adsense from pages, kept it on the posts

I figure I better also hunt in Thesis for where to make the font on the widgets smaller too

thanks for the input!!
You know your stuff