First swing at Copy Opinions Please

Shane Hale · 08-17-2009, 02:12 PM

This was my first product 10 videos for CPA blogging. Trying to improve conversion. I may end of getting a site redesign once I get some more money. I was wondering if anyone had some tips for my copy and conversion. I have had some decent sales so far but definitely think there is a ton of room to for improvement. Thanks for you help guys!

http://www.createblogsite.com

Kevin Lam · 08-17-2009, 02:30 PM

Shane, that page actually sells? How much and at what conversion rate? I'd better go study it some more and see how you're doing it. I personally don't see how. It screams "fake" and "go away" to me.

It definitely doesn't follow any standard copywriting procedures. I don't think you need a critique. You need to read some more on copywriting, study some sales letters and re-write it. Or better yet, yes, get an actual design made and hire a copywriter. I really can't comment on anything, because it would cover your entire "sales letter".

Sorry, buddy. It's back to the drawing board.

Shane Hale · 08-17-2009, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin Lam

Shane, that page actually sells? How much and at what conversion rate? I'd better go study it some more and see how you're doing it. I personally don't see how. It screams "fake" and "go away" to me.

It definitely doesn't follow any standard copywriting procedures. I don't think you need a critique. You need to read some more on copywriting, study some sales letters and re-write it. Or better yet, yes, get an actual design made and hire a copywriter. I really can't comment on anything, because it would cover your entire "sales letter".

Sorry, buddy. It's back to the drawing board.

Thanks for the comments yeah it actually has made some sales lol =) I am also building a decent list too. But, I know the copy is awful but I am studying some more to improve it =) Thank you for the honest opinions. It is listed on Paydotcom conversions aren't the best I get like 1 sale out of about 80 clicks.

Kevin Lam · 08-17-2009, 02:58 PM

Shane, if that page is making 1 sale for every 80 clicks, I can only imagine how well it would perform with a complete makeover. Good luck, but do let us know if you need help.

Shane Hale · 08-17-2009, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin Lam

Shane, if that page is making 1 sale for every 80 clicks, I can only imagine how well it would perform with a complete makeover. Good luck, but do let us know if you need help.

I sent it out to a list I have been building maybe that is why for the sales?

Kevin Lam · 08-17-2009, 03:03 PM

Oh, so it was with a list! Sheesh, I was under the impression that perhaps it was search engines or PPC. If it's from a list, then yeah, you have a higher chance of converting. You've already built the rapport and people may already know you can't write, but they know your product is good and that's about all the need to know. That's the nice thing about a list.

You should track and see how well your other traffic is performing then (other than from lists).

Shane Hale · 08-17-2009, 03:08 PM

Thanks Kevin ! For your advice. You site looks very nice btw! =) Any books you recommend ?

Kevin Lam · 08-17-2009, 03:12 PM

A "thanks" button usually does the trick for me. And thank you for the comment about my site. I'll drop a button on you for that, lol. Books? Blah, go back to the main copywriting forum. Look at the stickies. There's an entire THREAD dedicated to that. Enjoy.

Kyle Tully · 08-17-2009, 05:41 PM

Hi Shane

You haven't really got a salesletter there... just a few paragraphs of copy

Go back to basics and follow a simple proven salesletter formula.

If you don't know any, grab a few of the books in the sticky threads above and start reading. The week or two you invest in your copywriting education will pay for itself hundreds of times over.

Cheers
Kyle

lenlatimer · 08-17-2009, 08:21 PM

Hi Shane,

1) The Headline should be first thing on the page. Maybe a smaller subhead that qualifies by announcing who it's for... such as Attention Marketers, Salesmen, etc., would be OK.
2) Don't like the centered lines under the headline - I suggest left flush.
3) You repeat "from the desk" a 2nd time.
4) In the first 3 or 4 paragraphs, to many I's. Prospects care about themselves - you need less about you.
5. I am SOO - what's with that?
6. The Down red arrow serves no purpose and makes the reader scroll down - you could lose them that way.
7. You mention free, but then you show a $67 price - took me a minute to figure out, the signup was free and the add to cart was probably a purchase. If a prospect gets confused, you could lose him. I suggest making the freebie offer in a pop-up if he starts to exit – only if they don't buy. There are some excellent exit pop-ups software out there.
8. Your guarantee is fuzzy. Go to Google Images and type in Guarantee to find a better looking one.
9. Lastly I agree with Kevin & Tyle. You need a lot more sales copy. some people like videos - others like to read. Sell them both.

Good luck.

Shane Hale · 08-18-2009, 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lenlatimer

Hi Shane,

1) The Headline should be first thing on the page. Maybe a smaller subhead that qualifies by announcing who it's for... such as Attention Marketers, Salesmen, etc., would be OK.
2) Don't like the centered lines under the headline - I suggest left flush.
3) You repeat "from the desk" a 2nd time.
4) In the first 3 or 4 paragraphs, to many I's. Prospects care about themselves - you need less about you.
5. I am SOO - what's with that?
6. The Down red arrow serves no purpose and makes the reader scroll down - you could lose them that way.
7. You mention free, but then you show a $67 price - took me a minute to figure out, the signup was free and the add to cart was probably a purchase. If a prospect gets confused, you could lose him. I suggest making the freebie offer in a pop-up if he starts to exit – only if they don't buy. There are some excellent exit pop-ups software out there.
8. Your guarantee is fuzzy. Go to Google Images and type in Guarantee to find a better looking one.
9. Lastly I agree with Kevin & Tyle. You need a lot more sales copy. some people like videos - others like to read. Sell them both.

Good luck.

Thanks! For the awesome feedback! Also, I wanted to apologize for this forum I did not read the stickies what I thought was decent copy was not and should of not wasted your time guys. Sorry won't happen again. I have read several stickies in different forums and this is one I didn't sorry =(

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 10:59 AM

In reguards to the question in your headline

Quote:

Are You Making Money Online with CPA?

If your Answer is NO...

What if the reader's answer is yes, but I want to make more money than I am now?

It seems like you might be sending people away, the ones who are actually the best candidates for your product, those who make only a little money in CPA. They will be able to better understand your offer and be intrigued by it. Just a thought.

dtendrich · 08-28-2009, 06:45 PM

Headline doesn't say what benefit I'm going to get out of learning these secrets, other than knowing something that some people don't.

08-17-2009, 02:12 PM	#1
Shane Hale Ninja Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Anderson, South Carolina , USA. Posts: 467 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 104 Thanked 57 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	First swing at Copy Opinions Please This was my first product 10 videos for CPA blogging. Trying to improve conversion. I may end of getting a site redesign once I get some more money. I was wondering if anyone had some tips for my copy and conversion. I have had some decent sales so far but definitely think there is a ton of room to for improvement. Thanks for you help guys! http://www.createblogsite.com
	My Warrior Forum Blog WSO:LOCAL CRUSHER CASH FLOW NINJA MONTHLY

08-17-2009, 02:30 PM	#2
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Shane, that page actually sells? How much and at what conversion rate? I'd better go study it some more and see how you're doing it. I personally don't see how. It screams "fake" and "go away" to me. It definitely doesn't follow any standard copywriting procedures. I don't think you need a critique. You need to read some more on copywriting, study some sales letters and re-write it. Or better yet, yes, get an actual design made and hire a copywriter. I really can't comment on anything, because it would cover your entire "sales letter". Sorry, buddy. It's back to the drawing board.

08-17-2009, 02:58 PM	#4
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Shane, if that page is making 1 sale for every 80 clicks, I can only imagine how well it would perform with a complete makeover. Good luck, but do let us know if you need help.

08-17-2009, 03:03 PM	#6
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Oh, so it was with a list! Sheesh, I was under the impression that perhaps it was search engines or PPC. If it's from a list, then yeah, you have a higher chance of converting. You've already built the rapport and people may already know you can't write, but they know your product is good and that's about all the need to know. That's the nice thing about a list. You should track and see how well your other traffic is performing then (other than from lists).

08-17-2009, 03:08 PM	#7
Shane Hale Ninja Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Anderson, South Carolina , USA. Posts: 467 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 104 Thanked 57 Times in 40 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Thanks Kevin ! For your advice. You site looks very nice btw! =) Any books you recommend ?
	My Warrior Forum Blog WSO:LOCAL CRUSHER CASH FLOW NINJA MONTHLY

08-17-2009, 03:12 PM	#8
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 179 Thanked 229 Times in 154 Posts	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please A "thanks" button usually does the trick for me. And thank you for the comment about my site. I'll drop a button on you for that, lol. Books? Blah, go back to the main copywriting forum. Look at the stickies. There's an entire THREAD dedicated to that. Enjoy.

08-17-2009, 05:41 PM	#9
Kyle Tully ConsultingTycoon.com War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Vaucluse, Australia. Posts: 2,343 Thanks: 98 Thanked 268 Times in 128 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Hi Shane You haven't really got a salesletter there... just a few paragraphs of copy Go back to basics and follow a simple proven salesletter formula. If you don't know any, grab a few of the books in the sticky threads above and start reading. The week or two you invest in your copywriting education will pay for itself hundreds of times over. Cheers Kyle
	Thought About Offline Consulting? Fiona - $5,500 + $600/m 1st Week... Anthony - $7k + $594/m... Liz - $12k 1st Month... Rob - $7k + $800/ 1st Month... Scott - $45,000 in 3m... 20/yo Jock 6-Figure Client 2nd Month Don't you deserve the same unfair advantage?

08-17-2009, 08:21 PM	#10
lenlatimer HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Valley Glen, CA USA. Posts: 183 Thanks: 4 Thanked 14 Times in 14 Posts	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Hi Shane, 1) The Headline should be first thing on the page. Maybe a smaller subhead that qualifies by announcing who it's for... such as Attention Marketers, Salesmen, etc., would be OK. 2) Don't like the centered lines under the headline - I suggest left flush. 3) You repeat "from the desk" a 2nd time. 4) In the first 3 or 4 paragraphs, to many I's. Prospects care about themselves - you need less about you. 5. I am SOO - what's with that? 6. The Down red arrow serves no purpose and makes the reader scroll down - you could lose them that way. 7. You mention free, but then you show a $67 price - took me a minute to figure out, the signup was free and the add to cart was probably a purchase. If a prospect gets confused, you could lose him. I suggest making the freebie offer in a pop-up if he starts to exit – only if they don't buy. There are some excellent exit pop-ups software out there. 8. Your guarantee is fuzzy. Go to Google Images and type in Guarantee to find a better looking one. 9. Lastly I agree with Kevin & Tyle. You need a lot more sales copy. some people like videos - others like to read. Sell them both. Good luck.
	Len Latimer Copy-In-A-Box, an amazing Word Add-in Tool that adds Dazzle & Personality to your copy. My WSO

08-28-2009, 06:45 PM	#13
dtendrich Writer of Copy War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 160 Thanks: 16 Thanked 36 Times in 19 Posts	Re: First swing at Copy Opinions Please Headline doesn't say what benefit I'm going to get out of learning these secrets, other than knowing something that some people don't.