I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready.

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 11:59 AM

Please review my sales page and let me know what you think. I have run it through the new checklist being created, and am ready for your reviews. It is making sales, though not at the rate I know the market will sustain. Thank you for your time.

Link: www.BargainPricedAirfare.com

WealthWinners · 08-20-2009, 01:50 PM

First tip...move the blue testimonial somewhere else, because it looks like it is competing for the headline.

Say something like "YOU'RE FIRED!" in bright red above your existing headline. Then maybe reword your existing headline to something like "Former Airline Employee Gets Even By ....blah, blah, blah"

Just my .02

The headline's only purpose is to do one thing....get them to read the next line.

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WealthWinners

First tip...move the blue testimonial somewhere else, because it looks like it is competing for the headline.

Say something like "YOU'RE FIRED!" in bright red above your existing headline. Then maybe reword your existing headline to something like "Former Airline Employee Gets Even By ....blah, blah, blah"

Just my .02

The headline's only purpose is to do one thing....get them to read the next line.

Very good advice, thank you. I thought myself that that feedback might be competing with my headline, glad to have another set of eyes looking at the page, as I have poured over it a thousand times.

Bill Jeffels · 08-20-2009, 02:08 PM

Here's what I think.

It look's as though your going for the "us against them" angle, and that's fine. But I don't think talking about "getting even", "they will regret it" is the way.

I would tone down on that and go for more of a... "You've been lied to" type of thing and your the guy that know's the secret's now that your gone.

Your headline "The Airlines Downsized Me With Out Warning...". You being downsized isn't the benefit to the customer... getting cheap tickets is. You talk about How to get cheap tickets with your secrets. You can't go wrong with a "How To" headline. You could use your downsized angle for the subhead.

The testimonial should be down a bit, but not to much... to be honest I'm always wary about testimonials with names like Matt H., but if thats what you have to use then thats it.

Your P.S. and P.P.S. need to be down near the bottom of the page and the P.S. should be restating your prospects benefits and what's in it for them.

Hope that gets you going.

Bill Jeffels

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels

Here's what I think.

It look's as though your going for the "us against them" angle, and that's fine. But I don't think talking about "getting even", "they will regret it" is the way.

I would tone down on that and go for more of a... "You've been lied to" type of thing and your the guy that know's the secret's now that your gone.

Your headline "The Airlines Downsized Me With Out Warning...". You being downsized isn't the benefit to the customer... getting cheap tickets is. You talk about How to get cheap tickets with your secrets. You can't go wrong with a "How To" headline. You could use your downsized angle for the subhead.

The testimonial should be down a bit, but not to much... to be honest I'm always wary about testimonials with names like Matt H., but if thats what you have to use then thats it.

Your P.S. and P.P.S. need to be down near the bottom of the page and the P.S. should be restating your prospects benefits and what's in it for them.

Hope that gets you going.

Bill Jeffels

I knew I came to the right place. I was going to run a multivariate test in google, and you guys are really giving me some great stuff to split test, I can't thank you enough. Keep 'em coming please

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 02:25 PM

Boy, I guess if two great minds think alike about my page, I should really take the advice to heart. Thanks, Bill and Onslaught, you've really given me a new direction to start testing. Anymore advice would be great from anyone else. Does anyone think I use too much highlighting, bold, italics etc?

Bill Jeffels · 08-20-2009, 02:33 PM

Lol!. Great minds indeed Paul

-Bill

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Onslaught

You could tone down the highlighting (or just eliminate it). I don't think the bold or italic is bad at all.

I know some people despise using highlighting, but I really think it can grab the attention of a page scanner. I do think I have overused, so I think I will tone it done like you suggested. Man you guys are good.

Collette · 08-20-2009, 05:07 PM

Hey Tom,
This is certainly a better effort than most, so I'm going to cut to some more advanced concepts for you.

My first impression is that there is no Big Wow here. Everybody loves to hate the airlines - that's a cheap and easy sell. And most people who book their flights on the Internet think they already know how to get around the airline rack rates.

So... where's the Big Wow?

I think it lies in your "insider" status. However, nothing you've got in your headline or lede intrigues me enough to want to read on. There's really nothing there that suggests that you're about to tell me something that is going to blow my existing perceptions out of the water.

My suggestion is to go back to your fascinations. You have a bazillion of them (you could trim those babies back, too), and somewhere in there is something that only "REAL insiders" know.

Let me give you an example of the kind of "make 'em sit up and take notice" stuff I'm talking about:

Everybody knows that fast food is bad for you, right? It's greasy and unhealthy, it'll clog your arteries, it will make you fat.

So when someone comes out and says, "Fast food is bad for you!" and starts talking about saturated fats and sodium content and the like, it's no longer shocking or even "news worthy". Snoozer. No Big Wow.

But what if... I were to tell you that... the most dangerous thing in fast food restaurants is NOT the food?

What if I told you that this hidden danger - found in 98% of all fast food restaurants tested - could cause vomiting, dehydration, seizures, hallucinations - even death?

And what if I told you that, even if you don't eat a single bite of food, you could STILL be at risk?

Would you want to know what this "deadly hidden danger" is?

Your "the airlines are ripping you off" copy needs to have the same kind of "Say wha???" factor.

As an insider, you've got the kind of information that NEVER makes it to "the outside world". THAT'S what people want: the down and dirty shocker.

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 05:32 PM

Collette, I think you may of just figured out why I am not converting as well as I think I should be able to. I am selling some people on the intrigue of an insider, but there is still no big wow to bring people running to my order button. Thank you so much for taking the time to thoughtfully analyze my copy. You have my thanks.

Scott Murdaugh · 08-20-2009, 08:01 PM

Quote:

But what if... I were to tell you that... the most dangerous thing in fast food restaurants is NOT the food?

What if I told you that this hidden danger - found in 98% of all fast food restaurants tested - could cause vomiting, dehydration, seizures, hallucinations - even death?

And what if I told you that, even if you don't eat a single bite of food, you could STILL be at risk?

Would you want to know what this "deadly hidden danger" is?

Your "the airlines are ripping you off" copy needs to have the same kind of "Say wha???" factor.

As an insider, you've got the kind of information that NEVER makes it to "the outside world". THAT'S what people want: the down and dirty shocker.

Holy hell.

I'm done critiquing copy... I'm just going to start saying "do what Collette said."

Seriously, you need to write a book or something...

And quit making the rest of us look bad

That is the perfect analogy, I (definitely) couldn't have said it better myself.

Nice one.

-Scott

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Seriously, you need to write a book or something...

Can I sign up for an advanced copy?

ScoTech · 08-20-2009, 09:51 PM

Thank you so much everyone for helping me out. I am now starting to run multivariate testing, beginning with headlines and sub headline, and will write more versions of everything this weekend. So if you look at the site now, you may see different copy than was commented on above, but I still welcome any comments. I love the warrior forum.

squadron · 08-20-2009, 10:11 PM

I'd stick with one font for the header graphic, the same font that "Secrets" is in. Great work !

LoveTheSun · 08-21-2009, 05:18 PM

Hi Scotech, I think that the one font in the header is a good idea to, and I would make the borders a bit thinner, it looks a little funny so close to the edge of the page, by doing that it will make the copy stand out more.

It makes the reader focus on the copy more and you will make it easier for them to read, hope that helps some what

08-20-2009, 11:59 AM	#1
ScoTech My boys can swim! War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Indiana Posts: 70 Thanks: 24 Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts	I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Please review my sales page and let me know what you think. I have run it through the new checklist being created, and am ready for your reviews. It is making sales, though not at the rate I know the market will sustain. Thank you for your time. Link: www.BargainPricedAirfare.com
	Last edited by ScoTech; 08-20-2009 at 12:38 PM. Reason: make link easier to see

08-20-2009, 01:50 PM	#2
WealthWinners Choose Truth Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 120 Thanks: 14 Thanked 31 Times in 19 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. First tip...move the blue testimonial somewhere else, because it looks like it is competing for the headline. Say something like "YOU'RE FIRED!" in bright red above your existing headline. Then maybe reword your existing headline to something like "Former Airline Employee Gets Even By ....blah, blah, blah" Just my .02 The headline's only purpose is to do one thing....get them to read the next line.

08-20-2009, 02:08 PM	#4
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 348 Thanks: 110 Thanked 81 Times in 71 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Here's what I think. It look's as though your going for the "us against them" angle, and that's fine. But I don't think talking about "getting even", "they will regret it" is the way. I would tone down on that and go for more of a... "You've been lied to" type of thing and your the guy that know's the secret's now that your gone. Your headline "The Airlines Downsized Me With Out Warning...". You being downsized isn't the benefit to the customer... getting cheap tickets is. You talk about How to get cheap tickets with your secrets. You can't go wrong with a "How To" headline. You could use your downsized angle for the subhead. The testimonial should be down a bit, but not to much... to be honest I'm always wary about testimonials with names like Matt H., but if thats what you have to use then thats it. Your P.S. and P.P.S. need to be down near the bottom of the page and the P.S. should be restating your prospects benefits and what's in it for them. Hope that gets you going. Bill Jeffels
	Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

08-20-2009, 02:25 PM	#6
ScoTech My boys can swim! War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Indiana Posts: 70 Thanks: 24 Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Boy, I guess if two great minds think alike about my page, I should really take the advice to heart. Thanks, Bill and Onslaught, you've really given me a new direction to start testing. Anymore advice would be great from anyone else. Does anyone think I use too much highlighting, bold, italics etc?
	Last edited by ScoTech; 08-20-2009 at 02:27 PM. Reason: wrong tense used

08-20-2009, 02:33 PM	#7
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 348 Thanks: 110 Thanked 81 Times in 71 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Lol!. Great minds indeed Paul -Bill
	Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

08-20-2009, 05:07 PM	#9
Collette Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: alicubi super pluvia Posts: 780 Thanks: 236 Thanked 511 Times in 259 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Hey Tom, This is certainly a better effort than most, so I'm going to cut to some more advanced concepts for you. My first impression is that there is no Big Wow here. Everybody loves to hate the airlines - that's a cheap and easy sell. And most people who book their flights on the Internet think they already know how to get around the airline rack rates. So... where's the Big Wow? I think it lies in your "insider" status. However, nothing you've got in your headline or lede intrigues me enough to want to read on. There's really nothing there that suggests that you're about to tell me something that is going to blow my existing perceptions out of the water. My suggestion is to go back to your fascinations. You have a bazillion of them (you could trim those babies back, too), and somewhere in there is something that only "REAL insiders" know. Let me give you an example of the kind of "make 'em sit up and take notice" stuff I'm talking about: Everybody knows that fast food is bad for you, right? It's greasy and unhealthy, it'll clog your arteries, it will make you fat. So when someone comes out and says, "Fast food is bad for you!" and starts talking about saturated fats and sodium content and the like, it's no longer shocking or even "news worthy". Snoozer. No Big Wow. But what if... I were to tell you that... the most dangerous thing in fast food restaurants is NOT the food? What if I told you that this hidden danger - found in 98% of all fast food restaurants tested - could cause vomiting, dehydration, seizures, hallucinations - even death? And what if I told you that, even if you don't eat a single bite of food, you could STILL be at risk? Would you want to know what this "deadly hidden danger" is? Your "the airlines are ripping you off" copy needs to have the same kind of "Say wha???" factor. As an insider, you've got the kind of information that NEVER makes it to "the outside world". THAT'S what people want: the down and dirty shocker.

08-20-2009, 05:32 PM	#10
ScoTech My boys can swim! War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Indiana Posts: 70 Thanks: 24 Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Collette, I think you may of just figured out why I am not converting as well as I think I should be able to. I am selling some people on the intrigue of an insider, but there is still no big wow to bring people running to my order button. Thank you so much for taking the time to thoughtfully analyze my copy. You have my thanks.

08-20-2009, 09:51 PM	#13
ScoTech My boys can swim! War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Indiana Posts: 70 Thanks: 24 Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Thank you so much everyone for helping me out. I am now starting to run multivariate testing, beginning with headlines and sub headline, and will write more versions of everything this weekend. So if you look at the site now, you may see different copy than was commented on above, but I still welcome any comments. I love the warrior forum.
	Last edited by ScoTech; 08-20-2009 at 09:52 PM. Reason: bolding

08-20-2009, 10:11 PM	#14
squadron Active Warrior Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 33 Thanks: 0 Thanked 8 Times in 6 Posts Social Networking	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. I'd stick with one font for the header graphic, the same font that "Secrets" is in. Great work !

08-21-2009, 05:18 PM	#15
LoveTheSun Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 10 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: I've run through the checklist, so I think I'm ready. Hi Scotech, I think that the one font in the header is a good idea to, and I would make the borders a bit thinner, it looks a little funny so close to the edge of the page, by doing that it will make the copy stand out more. It makes the reader focus on the copy more and you will make it easier for them to read, hope that helps some what