Can Someone Tell Me If My Sales Page Sucks?

[Mike Hersh]

Hello friends,

I'm just kidding.

Just wanted to ask some opinions from professional copywriters like you...

This is the first sales page I created, and I feel like I made it perfect. I also got a lot of good feedback from people who don't even know me who just wanted to know who wrote it for me. As always, I want someone to check it also because I don't matter, it's other people who need to read it

Click Here To Check It Out...

I'll be very thankful if you can answer also if you believe that I need a copywriter to do the job, or can I only make the minor changes and stay with mine?

Any time investment from your part will be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Mike G

[Chris Ramsey]

Here's a few of my thoughts.

• Your headline is overused. The word "autopilot" needs to be stricken from the memory of all non-pilots.
• If you're going to use a date script, don't put it as today's date. People will know something's up. Put it a couple days back.
• Use more bold, underline, and italics in your text. Right now it's just large blocks that are hard to read.
• Make sure you're using the correct spellings of words.
• Have some powerful bullets in the first two pages somewhere.
• When you make huge claims like you do in the second paragraph, use some sort of proof. An screenshot of your earnings would work well here.
• Your P.S. needs to reiterate your entire message in a powerful and punchy way.

[Ross Bowring]

Mike, only got a second but here's my two cents...

Like Chris said above, you've got massive blocks of text which will scare off most readers. You need to inject a good number of sub-heads to break up your text.

The first sale you need to make is to make your page look appealing enough to read. Right now your above the fold copy looks appealing but as someone scrolls down it just looks daunting. Especially the bit where you outline each video.

Try just having one graphic of a DVD and then snappy bullets underneath about what's in each video. Not a repeated graphic of a DVD. It becomes redundant fast.

Two things about your headline.

First, shouldn't it be "Rake In", not just "Rake"? But maybe "Bank" would work better because it's got more attitude...

Second... under where you say "It's Totally Free!!!" you could put a small handwritten,

(You'll see why in just a minute...)

It infers there's a legit "reason why" it's free... otherwise a reader might see it as being too good to be true.

Plus, I'd scrap the bloated sub-head you've got now and just go with...

Clickbank Account Showing Zero?

Don't have time to dig into the body copy but I hope this helps.

[maximus242]

MORE CREDIBILITY

MORE PROOF

Headline pre-heads too hard to read.

Better readability.

[Mike Hersh]

I would like to say thanks to all of you. I will consider to make most of the changes you guys recommended.

One problem was that I've sent you to the main page of the product and forgot to tell you that there is a video squeeze page before this page. In this video I have video proof of at least $1000 Clickbank account.

But that's OK, I have a lot of work to do.

Thank you warriors, you guys are always there when I need you

[cheesy]

You have a lot of images of CD's, it gets really repetative, you should do somthing about that, scrolling down the whole page took ages with all those CD's. Some more testimonials would also be good if you could get a few more.

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Hello Mike

Re: Sales Copy Critique.

Prehead:

Too long, needs shortening, too much capitalization of every word - (not needed). 'Than' should be 'Then' btw.

Headline:

Don't like the shadowed text, along with everything else in this above the fold, introduction ... it all makes the beginning of this sales page look much too busy. It's as though you don't really know what to focus upon. Make it much more simple than this. If you have to use so much 'detail' it speaks volumes about your unprofessionalism, which will affect your credibility from the outset.

Exchange 'Rake' for 'Bank' as another poster highlighted above.

The 25 cents tacked on the end of the figure, is just that, tacky and dilutes the power of the full monthly amount stated.

Your image:

What's that line doing going straight through the top of your head?

It looks like you've been hung out on the washing line by your wife to dry in the afternoon sunshine. I know it's a small point, but looking like a wet teddy bear, isn't exactly the portrayal I would want of myself online, especially on my sales page.

It's a very small detail though admittedly, I just couldn't help but notice it instantly. Just made me think straightaway, 'What a clown'.

Date:

As noted above, stick it back a couple of days at least, up to 5 days is good.

*****

Dear Frustrated Marketer: - wrong text font, looks ridiculous and is difficult to read. A sales page is not so much about design, this is important sure, but too much emphasis on it and not enough on everything else will dilute the clout, of your sales copy.

Your sales page has one purpose only and that is to sell. The less 'gimmicks' the better.

Your first line: - This is a special day for you. This day is going to be the most important day of your life.

Good point ... first sentence is very short.

Bad point, it's just a terrible opener.

Tell me, what separates your information out so spectacularly that this is going to be the most important day of my life? Come on! That's dribble. Not required. get rid of it.

When you introduce yourself, do not immediately set up a large obstacle between yourself and the reader. It's as though you are saying, I've got what you havn't - I'm smart, you're stupid.

Reach out to your prospect, the visitor on a more personal note, don't tell them something, share it with them as though you are about to converse with them as a friend. This present opener does not make friends with me.

Does this sentence make sense, 'I don't know how you got used to market your affiliate campaigns until now, but...' - Certainly doesn't make sense to me. Reword it.

Often you can write without thinking and if you don't put yourself in the shoes of your target market, whilst proofreading, you can automatically assume that some sentences make sense, when in fact quite the opposite is true.

First few lines, much too wordy, strip out any wording that is not required, I suspect that you havn't really edited this copy a great deal, it certainly looks like it will need lots of work so far.

OK so I've read down to your subheading: And Then She Dropped The Bomb

Overall, it doesn't read well, it's pretty awful in fact.

The whole introduction needs a rewrite or if I'm perfectly honest, starting over completely.

I'm going to fly through the rest, there's too much stuff here that is just so wrong that I cannot possibly go through it all...

You'll have me crying like a 2 year old baby if I have to scroll through many more of these bloody cd graphics, when do they bloomin' finish? Way too many of them, bloody annoying to scroll through.

Sidenote: Above these graphics, I saw that you had disguised the word, 'Fu*k', don't use any reference to that word in your sales copy. It's just not required. Keep it and you'll hurt your conversions.

That's about as far as I can go with this, the whole lot needs a lot of work.

If this is a free report, you don't need such long copy, sure if it's $2000 - fair enough, then you would need to justify the price a lot more.

Overall, this sales copy is pretty ropey, screw it up, you can cut this down by at least 75%-80% and it will do a much better job converting for you.

A full copywriting critique is available on request.

Best of luck.


Mark Andrews
Internet Marketing Copywriting

[ksmike]

I haven't looked at any other posts so I'm sorry if there's any repetition.

Your product looks great and I'm sure you know you have a winner. If you have seriously tested this sales page I bet your conversion isn't up to par. Here's my opinion why... if I'm right. :-)

Your story is too long. Shorten it up a lot. You need to make your target customer feel the pain through your story... not get bored with it. This is way too long. Go through all your story copy and tighten it up. Eliminate everything that has no affect.

Then I would take your product and disseminate it for every possible benefit and transform them into one-two punch bullets. Separate these into categories. Create a general category for the main sales page and a category of bullets for each video.

You'll need to write hundreds of bullets and pull the best for your copy. But when you're done you'll have GREAT sales copy. Bullets will help the rest of your copy flow together. This is what you are missing.

If you need to look at great bullets check out any sales letter by Gary Halbert. Search the forum and you'll find some I would think.

Hope this helps!
Mike

[ksmike]

After posting I went back and looked at what Mark had to say and he's right on target with everything, especially the opener.

You have good advice in these posts if you're up to it. ;-)

Good luck Warrior. (this reminds me of some old movie)

[markpocock]

hi

Looking at your sales letter I think the foloowing.

1. Your pre-header is very difficult to read. And something difficult
to read doesn't get read.

2. Your headline. Your reader doesn't care about you.
It's not about you. It's all about them.
Also your reader is thinking is this an ego trip?
You're not telling me I can earn these amounts as well.
Bring your promise back to the reader.

You probably need a hook in this headline. An angle.
Something different. Something NEW.

Go and read Gene Schwarz's Breakthrough Advertising.
In particular the chapter on the awareness and sophistication
of your marketplace.

Your headline is probably a tired promise to this
market. They've heard it all before, Yet they still
want what you're offering.


You could probably

3. You say - Kung Fu System Generates Huge Commission Checks

Don't tell me what this is about too soon. Or else I can dismiss
your letter and go and do some thing more interesting.

Remember. Your headline stops your reader. Tells them
there's something of interest to them.And they should
read the first sentence. Then the second sentence.
Then the third sentence.

So to your opening two sentences....

This is a special day for you. This day is going to be the most important day of your life.

Really? I'm not so sure about that. You gotta think of every WRONG
way your reader can take your copy.

Are these 2 opening sentences really going to
make your reader want to read on?
If you were going door to door and had 30 seconds before the door
was slammed in your face what would you say?

If I was you I'd take some time to build some empathy
in your beginning. Symapathize with their position.

Then cut in with the Zeigarnik effect. So you interrupt
the reader and he has to read on to discover the outcome.

Then go into your story your ideal prospect can relate to.

Oh and you need some teasing bullets about what's in your videos.

Hope this helps

Mark

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

With 5' surf on the north Cornish coast this morning, shouldn't you be out surfing Mark?

They reckon you north Cornish lads are a bit odd that far up the county.

[markpocock]

Hi Mark

Nice name....

Nah 5' is way too big. I like 'em about 2-3'
I'm a beginner on my waveski.

Jeez it's like the middle of October up
here today. Bet it's Mediteranean like
down where you are...

cheers

Mark

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Mediterranean my foot! It's been blowing a right old hooley all night, still not gone to bed yet.

What a bloody awful summer. Cloud cover pretty much every day since the beginning of July. Pouring with rain here right now.

Not sure how much more of this weather I can take.

Anyway Bude, (upcountry), nice part of the world, don't often get that far up the county.

Down by the Helford River here.

Good to see another Cornish copywriter on the forum, at least someone here might now understand this very dry humour.

Hope you have a fantastic day, speak with you later.

Best wishes.


Mark

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

If someone "scans" your copy they are never going to read it after. Ever. Your headlines are boring. Your price seems out of whack with what the headlines offer.

I scanned and got this impression: This guy has read some IM copy and is consumed with himself. Nothing new here. Nothing interesting here. Move along.

Tell a story with your headlines. First I heard "it's totally free" then I'm told "ONLY $97"--which is it? Do you realize the word "you" doesn't appear in ANY of your headlines? It's all focused on "I did this" and "My..."

If you are going to use headlines over each video, make them say something. Instead of video 1 use: "In this video you will discover an overview of the Kung Fu system." No wait, don't. Did you really use that as a description of the content of video one? Wow. That's what I always wanted. Love those overview videos. Sign me up.

How about this for your first video:

"In this video you will INSTANTLY GRASP how your powerful AFFILIATE KUNG-FU SYSTEM will STUFF YOUR POCKETS WITH CASH"

Or, you can stick with what you've got. Either way.

Other people have given you priceless advice. Seriously, it's priceless as in "you didn't pay for it." You should. It's worth it. Ignore everything you think you knew that caused you to put this copy together and sit down with every tip you've been given here and put it to work.

[Mike Hersh]

WOW, I'm so happy I asked for advice here guys.

You guys rock, and I truly believe that I need a copywriter to do the job for me

I think I will try once more to create it and I'll update you guys as I finish it to see what you have to say.

I want to say a big thank you for all those powerful tips. I will work on every one of them and try to create something more compelling.

Cheers,

Mike G