Can you help me improve my sales letter?

[dtendrich]

Hey there,

The fact that you opened this post means you are interested in helping me perfect my sales letter - so thank you very much for that! I've never had my copy critiqued by real copywriters before, so I'm anxious to see what you'll write.

Anyways, here's a link to a direct mail piece I recently wrote for a client:
http://unexpectedways.net/pdf/phil1.pdf
(it's a PDF so you might have to give it a sec to load)

I've spent a lot of hours on this, but my feelings aren't easily hurt (well, they are, but I say that so you have no qualms about telling me what you really, really think/feel ).

I'm very serious about my copy, so any comments/questions/anything you might have I would greatly, greatly appreciate.

Thanks again,
David

p.s. In the headline it says "30 new clients" - that's supposed to say "30 new prospective clients"

p.p.s. I may have already changed it by the time you read it, so maybe ignore that. Thanks again.

[Kyle Tully]

Hi David

I use a similar licensing strategy in my own business. Sure beats writing a new salesletter every month

Personally I think the free offer weakens your approach...

1. It puts the onus on them to take action.

2. It gives them opportunities to mess it up -- changing the ad, using it in the wrong way, in the wrong place, at the wrong time etc.

3. Without more proof it borders on unbelievable. My first thought was, "what if the first ad works, but the rest don't, is this some kind of scam?".

If you've got a letter that's proven then you don't need to give them a free sample -- they WILL pay good money for it right up front.

Here's what I do:

Send a letter letting them know I have a proven marketing campaign, follow up with a phone call to set an appointment, then do a consultative selling session, and finally charge 5-figures plus a percentage of profits for me to oversee it's execution.

Works a treat

Hope that helps
Kyle

[dtendrich]

Hey Kyle,

Thanks a lot for the thoughtful response - I really appreciate it. And I agree with your objections. The thing is, my client has created a marketing strategy, and he's hired me to just write the copy that will deploy the strategy.

However, given what you wrote, I'm going to add a section called:
"How to PROPERLY use your free ad"

And say things like:

"Make sure you DO NOT do any of these things, because if you do, I can't promise the ad will work as it's supposed to:

-change any of the text (besides replacing your name with mine and other logistical details)"

and so on.

Thanks again,
David

[Alex Cohen]

David,

I saw a minor incongruency. Early on, the letter says, "every person I’ve given it to", but reading the letter, it's obvious there was only one other person.

Also, I believe the headline could be improved significantly. Your appeal has two aspects which are stronger than the 30 new clients. 1) $67,000 - each time the ad is run and 2) the scarcity play - one client per county.

30 new clients is a weak benefit. $67,000 is a strong benefit.

I'd write a headline that has both the $67,000 and the scarcity play in it.

Alex

[steveka]

"So if I were you, I’d put this letter down right now, go to <URL>, and enter your information!" should be "...enter my information"

[Kyle Tully]

Originally Posted by steveka

"So if I were you, I’d put this letter down right now, go to <URL>, and enter your information!" should be "...enter my information"

While that might be technically correct from a grammar perspective, it's much more persuasive to use "your".

NLP'ers call it a referential index shift

[dtendrich]

Thanks again for the tips guys. Much, much appreciated.

Alex - you're right. So far he's only given the ad to one other person, but I wanted it to sound like this ad has worked for countless people. But then I thought, "what the ****?" and just focused it on Lon. Better to have one amazing testimonial than 10 okay ones, right?

Steveka - Yeah, what Kyle said... Took me a while to get used to that as well.

Anyways, the letter underwent a major re-vamping - I updated the link above if you'd like to see the changes. I still think the headline and super-head need work, but I feel much better about the body copy.

Thanks again,
David

[BrianMcLeod]

Here's how Dr. Kalaap, a total marketing ‘newbie’
brought in $67,239 for his chiropractic office -
a practice that’s strikingly similar to yours...

..and how you can be the ONLY doctor in
<County Name> to know his secret...


__________________________________________________ _____________


"How Dr. Kalaap brought in $67,239 in new business
to his chiropractic office with ONE simple action..."

..and how you can be the ONLY doctor in
<County Name> to know his secret...

[dtendrich]

Brian,

I like it!

Thanks man!

[green1]

I'm sorry, but your offer is just not convincing and in fact sounds unprofessional. Where was the system test marketed, in Beverly Hills? Because there are probably very few places now-a-days, especially in the current economy, where you're going to find many people who'll pay $8K for "spinal decompression" treatments, unless they can make the lame walk, etc. Further, I may very well wonder about the ethics of a chiropractor who would market such a exorbitantly priced treatment (and by association, the person promoting this offer).

How do you plan to limit the offer to one doctor per county, especially since you have no contract with those who download it? Are you just going to give it to a doctor and then wait and see if he actually publishes it? How will you know if or when he does, and how long will you wait to find out? After you've given away the free ad, do you have any control over what the recipient does with it? (Doesn't sound like it.)

Why should I believe your claims, do you have any proof to back them up? Like, say, even one client whose business you've built up over a few months with your advertising system? Because most people will accept a freebie but if they don't see results from it, they won't stick around long. I could go on but I've already said too much...

[markpocock]

You say....

"My name’s Dr. Phil Straw, Orange County chiropractor, and I’ve stumbled across something that has helped me and a few close friends earn upper 6-figure incomes with our chiropractic practices."

I'd bring this straight back to the reader now with a second sentence
which involves the reader

"And this method can quickly and easily boost your chiropractice profits as well...even
in these difficult economic times we're facing now."

Then...

Your chiropractor is thinking "Yeah sure - does this guy know how hard it
is to make money RIGHT NOW?"

Then provide some proof. Straight up.

Then go into your pitch.

Cheers

Mark

[dtendrich]

green1...

I appreciate your sense of ethical obligation - but I'm afraid in this situation it's a bit more complex. Along with spinal decompression my client offers extensive physical training/therapy to teach people how to keep their backs and necks healthy after spinal decompression helps them. He also provides them with a deep tissue laser massage which is more powerful than what most chiropractors have. The reason he provides these extra treatments is because he wants to make sure that people never have to return to a doctor for neck and back pain ever again. This also means he has a crazy high overhead, and in turn, charges a lot of money, $8,000. But people pay $8,000 for a treatment that cures them of pain they've often had for 10 years or longer, which kept them from even taking a walk with their spouses. A lot of these people are addicted to prescription pain killers (which barely numb their pain), and are candidates for surgery. He gets them of off of drugs completely and in most cases, helps people avoid surgery. So upon first glance I can see why you might think he is "ripping people off", but upon taking a closer look I think you'd agree that there is really nothing unethical about what he does. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe you still do - and if so, you're of course entitled to your opinion.

And thanks for the tips on the copy.

mark...

Thanks for the tip. Aside from social proof I'm not really sure what to give. I'm a bit stuck. Do you think I should ask my client for a pic of his bank statement so people can see the numbers?

Thanks again,
David

[Bill Jeffels]

I think the other guys have covered alot of great points.

I like your P.S. It reiterates your headline plus benefits.

"I'd hate for you to miss out"... love it... I just used that a few weeks ago on a DM piece selling high end Kitchen Tools.
Oh ya, pic of bank statement would be great proof.

Take care,

Bill

[green1]

Fair enough, DT, thank you for taking the time to correct me.

o.k., you've just qualified the price for me but if I were one of your prospects, my doubts about your advertising claims would still stand, and these doubts could prevent me from calling you.

So if I were you, I might ask myself the following questions: Is your campaign targeting chiropractors in high income demographic areas? If not, is it reasonable to expect that chiropractors in median income areas will be able to duplicate (or come anywhere close to duplicating) your testimonial results? If not, might it be wise to ditch the high income claim and instead promote an increase in new clients? Say an average of 2-3 new clients (or whatever) every time they run the ad?

In my experience (most of which is off-line), off-line prospects are not as "easy" as online clients, they'll want more concrete evidence to substantiate the sales hype: references are best (in this case, one would probably do). A copy of a bank statement? Easy to fake that and I think there could be a legal problem with it - I'd run that idea by a lawyer first.

And like I said before, your offer is given free and without obligation, what's to stop your prospect from taking it and running with it, thereby - at the very least - prematurely saturating your target market?

[dtendrich]

Bill...

Thanks for the support, I appreciate your compliments.

green1...

Not a problem - I think we're similar in that regard, because I'd never write for someone who I had an ethical qualm with. I have to really believe in my clients' services/products, and they have to, too, otherwise the copy just doesn't work out, and I don't like the process.

As for your comments, I found out that most chiros don't offer the thorough array of treatments that my client does, so I changed it from $8,000 a client to get 30-40 calls in one week that lead to $32,000 in business. But I agree with you, and I might add a bit about getting 2-4 clients every time they run the ad, so depending on what they charge they could earn anywhere from $16,000 - $32,000, and also depending on how good they are at converting callers into clients.

And I agree about the bank statement - whenever I see that on a sales page I always question the validity of it, and if I'd have to consult a lawyer, well, I think there are other ways of adding proof that will be much simpler.

And the thing that's keeping them from taking the ad and running with it is the fact that after a month or two of using the ad, they're going to stop getting calls. If they keep using the ad after that they'll just waste their money on space. So my client has a stock of these ads, and he continually has new ones made (which I'm starting to write for him), so to keep getting waves of clients, they'll have to subscribe.

About the proof... there's the short testimonial from his friend, Lon. Do you think that's enough, or should I prove it in other ways? And if so, what do you think would be a good method of proof? I'm a bit stuck in coming up with anything other than social proof.

Thanks again for your thorough comments. They've helped me tremendously.

David

[green1]

"And if so, what do you think would be a good method of proof? I'm a bit stuck in coming up with anything other than social proof."

Sure, that's good, even a one minute conversation with a real client can help you close the sale. Or just make it clear to your prospects that your successful clients are very busy professionals so can seldom take calls BUT you can show them a couple of written references from them, on their professional letterheads. That should do it - certainly more credible than bank statements.

"If they keep using the ad after that they'll just waste their money on space."

o.k., are you telling them that upfront? Because you definitely should. Best - Mike