Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts?

coryjean · 08-30-2009, 02:12 PM

Hi Folks!

If anyone could please take a look at my sales page and give me your advice. I have read it over so many times that I'm starting to actually hate it and doubt that I have any writing skills whatsoever!

I am in the process of getting reviews for the book (although if anyone is interest I'll pass along a copy for free) and working on "ps's" for the bottom...I'm just ready to gouge my eyeballs out and each time I read it I feel worse about it...that it doesn't flow the way I want, that it's weak, etc...

Any help would be appreciated because I'm just sort of stuck! ARGH!

Thanks in advance!

Cory

KenThompson · 08-30-2009, 03:34 PM

Hello Cory,

Your letter needs a complete overhaul. I did not read all of it. But I can offer
some good advice. The best alternative would be to hire a copywriter to do
this for you. But you may not have the funds, or you want to learn how to
write copy. That's fine and understandable.

Ok...

1. Get rid of all the exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!! Especially in the headlines.

2. Do not use inventions like, "!?"

3. You may want to rethink your color scheme. Fire red and orange. I don't
know, man. Do some research on colors and psychological impact. I am somewhat
aware of this area. Maybe it's just a subjective area of discussion.

4. The spacing between your paragraphs is not consistent, and there are too
many lines.

5. Standard copy format for sentences and paragraphs. Not good.

Have you read anything about copywriting? I'm not being sarcastic. Paragraphs
are short, 3-4 sentences. Can have a 1 sentence paragraph to break it up but
only if it is used properly.

Sentences are best if not long and rambling. Find a clickbank product with a
gravity that's through the roof and very popular. Study the copy re sentence
and paragraph structure.

6. I hope you've done your research on this subject. It happens to be one in
which I am extremely familiar. Realize what you're doing here. There's not
much credibility in this letter.

Yes, I did read the "few" lines that you married one of these women. Yes?

But it's almost relegated to footnote status. In fact, most who see this will
probably blow right by it because most people skim online copy. There is
nothing that serves to highlight your credibility.

You really married one of these women? How about a picture, or several? How
about some pics of her hometown, etc? Pics from your travels over there to
meet her. Have any?

7. You have some things bass akwards in your letter. The structure is not
smooth and coherent.

The ebook graphic is way down at the bottom. Where exactly are you
introducing your product?

8. Bonuses. Separate your ebook from 'the rest' and position them as
bonuses. Sell the bonuses, too.

9. Too many bolded sentences. If you highlight almost everything, then
all those 'special' points become diluted in value. Plus it's an assault on
the eyeballs.

10. Your guarantee is weak, and it does not stand out.

11. Almost forgot. The ellipsis, you know... that? There's a space after the
last "." Not...like this. Like... this. Just an fyi. But there are other rules for
its usage, too. Go to google and....

I'm completely confident the other copywriting Warriors in here can offer
lots of stellar advice for you.

How much time did you spend writing this?

Regards...

travlinguy · 08-30-2009, 04:39 PM

Ken, above, has provided one of the best and most comprehensive critiques I've seen on this forum. And it's all spot on. Incorporate his changes and you'll be in decent shape. Decent, not great, but that's a start. Good luck!

Ross Bowring · 08-30-2009, 04:45 PM

This really could be such a compelling site... but right now it's a mess.

Giving you an in-depth critique would, I'm afraid, be a waste of time.

As a broad point. You need to write the letter as a letter... not as a series of paragraphs with the first sentence bolded.

But ultimately... You need to hire a copywriter my friend... or really cram up on copywriting know-how.

coryjean · 08-30-2009, 05:19 PM

Thank you guys. I wrote the sales copy myself. Yes, money is tight and my wife wouldn't appreciate a picture of herself on the internet selling a book on "Mail Order Brides" so that's not an option.

I wrote the copy over a span of a month piece by piece so that might be part of the reason why it's so choppy and it doesn't flow. In addition I think I might be trying too hard (lots of exclamation marks and bold and H1 etc). I had read somewhere that you shouldn't focus on yourself when writing copy so I tried to stay away from that.

I will probably trash the whole thing and thank you for your insight

Bill Jeffels · 08-30-2009, 05:46 PM

You know what coryjean?

You have a market here that is a proven winner. People want this info.

There's only one problem... and I'm going to be honest... your sales message is missing the basic copy structure that people read. Take a look at the copy books that are recommended.

Something by Bob Bly would be good for a sales lettter structure for you.

AIDA... Attention, Interest, Desire, Action.

"Would you like to finally meet the woman of your dreams?... I'm talking about a hot sexy woman that is just waiting for you to contact them. Yes you would? Great, becasue I've just put together a brand new e-book that reveals how you can meet..."

If you can get the basic concept of AIDA then your heading in the right direction. You know what your prospect is really going to buy from?

The bullets... John Carlton is the master of bullets... go to one of his sales pages and study his bullets. Find out how you can get that basic structure of bullets to fit your sales page.

Your half way there. You've found the hungry market... now write something persuasive, compelling, and suductive.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

KenThompson · 08-30-2009, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coryjean

I will probably trash the whole thing and thank you for your insight

You're welcome, Cory. All I can say is you may want to consider something. You
asked for help and received it. Now you say that, above. Some may feel they're
wasting time with you if you're only gonna quit and not even give it a shot. Some
may feel reluctant to offer you help in the future. So just keep that in mind the next
time you ask for help.

And how do you know your wife will object? It will help others and can contribute to
your income. Also, I'm sure your wife can provide lots of excellent insight which could
be a companion product, if not a stand-alone. Years ago I bought an ebook written by
a Russian woman who married an American. It provided information and insight that was
valuable and rare.

You can still do something with this if you want. Don't give up so easily.

Best regards...

coryjean · 08-30-2009, 06:19 PM

Thank you Bill! I appreciate everyone's help here and I knew that the copy sucked but just didn't know what to do about it. I knew that it didn't flow and it seemed desperate and choppy and amateurish but I couldn't bring myself to just "whack it" and start over.

I do some carpentry sometimes and I can remember building a newel post that just wasn't coming out right. My wife tried to be nice and find the beauty in what I had built but after she pointed out that "this piece" and "that piece" just sort of looked thrown together a little bit I took a framing hammer to the whole thing and started over. She was a little shocked because I was a little ticked and I rarely get ticked. But I had spent the better part of a day building this thing. It sucked and it had to go. I started over and I'm looking at that newel post right now and it's a thing of beauty. It fits and is plumb and straight.

Ken: I checked out both of your pages and I've read your suggestions and as much as it might sting a little bit I really appreciate your comments more than anyone's. You are a professional at this and have been at it for a long time. (he he he! You're old dude - only kidding!) But to take the time and put forth the effort that you did into your post means a lot to me. You could have just blown it off and gone on to the next post while deeming me "helpless" but you didn't. Thank you and if there is anything that I can do for you in the future please don't hesitate. I'm pretty handy with computers, kids, dogs, lawyers and I can play mandolin half arsed.

Times are tough all around these days and I would hire one of you all in a heartbeat if I could afford it. I hired a girl to do the graphics because I knew that it was beyond me.

KenThompson · 08-30-2009, 06:39 PM

Cory,

Is this an ebook you wrote? Is it based on your experiences? If it's affiliate
related, that's cool.

You should not just give up on this. It may seem like a lot, the copywriting, or
may seem hard. It is something you can learn to do, and it's probably the
best thing a marketer can learn to do.

I think you should stay the course. Do a re-write, come back and let us know
when you're done. I'll help you with this.

And ask your wife about the pics. All she can say is, no. Well... lol, maybe
she can say more than that.

Let us know. We're here.

coryjean · 08-30-2009, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KenThompson

Cory,

Is this an ebook you wrote? Is it based on your experiences? If it's affiliate
related, that's cool.

You should not just give up on this. It may seem like a lot, the copywriting, or
may seem hard. It is something you can learn to do, and it's probably the
best thing a marketer can learn to do.

I think you should stay the course. Do a re-write, come back and let us know
when you're done. I'll help you with this.

And ask your wife about the pics. All she can say is, no. Well... lol, maybe
she can say more than that.

Let us know. We're here.

I'll ask her again about the pics but she said "нет нет нет" when I first started writing the book. I wanted to put her on the cover because... well, I just think that she is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Yes, this is a book written from my experience and seriously, it seemed like there was just a lot of bad information out there. Like suggestions that you go on these romance tours and ask a girl that you're corresponding with to meet you at a social. I was seriously about a month into corresponding with a girl and I asked her if she would meet me at a social if I came to Odessa. That was when everything started to change and she just drifted away. Anyway...

I still think that I need to start pretty much from scratch on the copy. The important parts are up in my head, right? I'm not giving up on the book or the project just the copy that I wrote.

I will let you all know when the re-write is ready and thank you all again! I hope you all have an easy week and that you find joy and abundance in everything that you do this week.

Jack Bastide · 08-30-2009, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coryjean

I'll ask her again about the pics but she said "нет нет нет" when I first started writing the book.

OK so what is Het Het Het ?

Jack

KenThompson · 08-30-2009, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Bastide

OK so what is Het Het Het ?

Jack

Pretty sure it's 'no no no.'

coryjean · 08-30-2009, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Bastide

OK so what is Het Het Het ?

Jack

"no no no!" pronounced "nyet nyet nyet"

The Copy Nazi · 08-31-2009, 01:22 AM

Cory, for DIY copywriting watch this -

Jay Abraham School of Copywriting

08-30-2009, 02:12 PM	#1
coryjean Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 20 Thanks: 3 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? Hi Folks! If anyone could please take a look at my sales page and give me your advice. I have read it over so many times that I'm starting to actually hate it and doubt that I have any writing skills whatsoever! I am in the process of getting reviews for the book (although if anyone is interest I'll pass along a copy for free) and working on "ps's" for the bottom...I'm just ready to gouge my eyeballs out and each time I read it I feel worse about it...that it doesn't flow the way I want, that it's weak, etc... Any help would be appreciated because I'm just sort of stuck! ARGH! Thanks in advance! Cory
	Last edited by coryjean; 08-30-2009 at 05:20 PM. Reason: because I suck

08-30-2009, 03:34 PM	#2
KenThompson . War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,167 Thanks: 697 Thanked 595 Times in 421 Posts	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? Hello Cory, Your letter needs a complete overhaul. I did not read all of it. But I can offer some good advice. The best alternative would be to hire a copywriter to do this for you. But you may not have the funds, or you want to learn how to write copy. That's fine and understandable. Ok... 1. Get rid of all the exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!! Especially in the headlines. 2. Do not use inventions like, "!?" 3. You may want to rethink your color scheme. Fire red and orange. I don't know, man. Do some research on colors and psychological impact. I am somewhat aware of this area. Maybe it's just a subjective area of discussion. 4. The spacing between your paragraphs is not consistent, and there are too many lines. 5. Standard copy format for sentences and paragraphs. Not good. Have you read anything about copywriting? I'm not being sarcastic. Paragraphs are short, 3-4 sentences. Can have a 1 sentence paragraph to break it up but only if it is used properly. Sentences are best if not long and rambling. Find a clickbank product with a gravity that's through the roof and very popular. Study the copy re sentence and paragraph structure. 6. I hope you've done your research on this subject. It happens to be one in which I am extremely familiar. Realize what you're doing here. There's not much credibility in this letter. Yes, I did read the "few" lines that you married one of these women. Yes? But it's almost relegated to footnote status. In fact, most who see this will probably blow right by it because most people skim online copy. There is nothing that serves to highlight your credibility. You really married one of these women? How about a picture, or several? How about some pics of her hometown, etc? Pics from your travels over there to meet her. Have any? 7. You have some things bass akwards in your letter. The structure is not smooth and coherent. The ebook graphic is way down at the bottom. Where exactly are you introducing your product? 8. Bonuses. Separate your ebook from 'the rest' and position them as bonuses. Sell the bonuses, too. 9. Too many bolded sentences. If you highlight almost everything, then all those 'special' points become diluted in value. Plus it's an assault on the eyeballs. 10. Your guarantee is weak, and it does not stand out. 11. Almost forgot. The ellipsis, you know... that? There's a space after the last "." Not...like this. Like... this. Just an fyi. But there are other rules for its usage, too. Go to google and.... I'm completely confident the other copywriting Warriors in here can offer lots of stellar advice for you. How much time did you spend writing this? Regards...

08-30-2009, 04:39 PM	#3
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,310 Thanked 1,632 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? Ken, above, has provided one of the best and most comprehensive critiques I've seen on this forum. And it's all spot on. Incorporate his changes and you'll be in decent shape. Decent, not great, but that's a start. Good luck!
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

08-30-2009, 04:45 PM	#4
Ross Bowring Cash Creating Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Philadelphia, USA Posts: 722 Thanks: 588 Thanked 637 Times in 220 Posts Social Networking	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? This really could be such a compelling site... but right now it's a mess. Giving you an in-depth critique would, I'm afraid, be a waste of time. As a broad point. You need to write the letter as a letter... not as a series of paragraphs with the first sentence bolded. But ultimately... You need to hire a copywriter my friend... or really cram up on copywriting know-how.
	PLUS... X-Rated Copywriting Secrets EXPOSED.

08-30-2009, 05:19 PM	#5
coryjean Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 20 Thanks: 3 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? Thank you guys. I wrote the sales copy myself. Yes, money is tight and my wife wouldn't appreciate a picture of herself on the internet selling a book on "Mail Order Brides" so that's not an option. I wrote the copy over a span of a month piece by piece so that might be part of the reason why it's so choppy and it doesn't flow. In addition I think I might be trying too hard (lots of exclamation marks and bold and H1 etc). I had read somewhere that you shouldn't focus on yourself when writing copy so I tried to stay away from that. I will probably trash the whole thing and thank you for your insight

08-30-2009, 05:46 PM	#6
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 377 Thanks: 143 Thanked 92 Times in 82 Posts	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? You know what coryjean? You have a market here that is a proven winner. People want this info. There's only one problem... and I'm going to be honest... your sales message is missing the basic copy structure that people read. Take a look at the copy books that are recommended. Something by Bob Bly would be good for a sales lettter structure for you. AIDA... Attention, Interest, Desire, Action. "Would you like to finally meet the woman of your dreams?... I'm talking about a hot sexy woman that is just waiting for you to contact them. Yes you would? Great, becasue I've just put together a brand new e-book that reveals how you can meet..." If you can get the basic concept of AIDA then your heading in the right direction. You know what your prospect is really going to buy from? The bullets... John Carlton is the master of bullets... go to one of his sales pages and study his bullets. Find out how you can get that basic structure of bullets to fit your sales page. Your half way there. You've found the hungry market... now write something persuasive, compelling, and suductive. Take care, Bill Jeffels
	Copywriting WSO:FINALLY, YOU CAN NOW DISCOVER THESE AMAZING COPYWRITING SECRETS TOO! Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

08-30-2009, 06:19 PM	#8
coryjean Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 20 Thanks: 3 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? Thank you Bill! I appreciate everyone's help here and I knew that the copy sucked but just didn't know what to do about it. I knew that it didn't flow and it seemed desperate and choppy and amateurish but I couldn't bring myself to just "whack it" and start over. I do some carpentry sometimes and I can remember building a newel post that just wasn't coming out right. My wife tried to be nice and find the beauty in what I had built but after she pointed out that "this piece" and "that piece" just sort of looked thrown together a little bit I took a framing hammer to the whole thing and started over. She was a little shocked because I was a little ticked and I rarely get ticked. But I had spent the better part of a day building this thing. It sucked and it had to go. I started over and I'm looking at that newel post right now and it's a thing of beauty. It fits and is plumb and straight. Ken: I checked out both of your pages and I've read your suggestions and as much as it might sting a little bit I really appreciate your comments more than anyone's. You are a professional at this and have been at it for a long time. (he he he! You're old dude - only kidding!) But to take the time and put forth the effort that you did into your post means a lot to me. You could have just blown it off and gone on to the next post while deeming me "helpless" but you didn't. Thank you and if there is anything that I can do for you in the future please don't hesitate. I'm pretty handy with computers, kids, dogs, lawyers and I can play mandolin half arsed. Times are tough all around these days and I would hire one of you all in a heartbeat if I could afford it. I hired a girl to do the graphics because I knew that it was beyond me.

08-30-2009, 06:39 PM	#9
KenThompson . War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,167 Thanks: 697 Thanked 595 Times in 421 Posts	Re: Could Some Please Look At My Sales Page Before I Go Nuts? Cory, Is this an ebook you wrote? Is it based on your experiences? If it's affiliate related, that's cool. You should not just give up on this. It may seem like a lot, the copywriting, or may seem hard. It is something you can learn to do, and it's probably the best thing a marketer can learn to do. I think you should stay the course. Do a re-write, come back and let us know when you're done. I'll help you with this. And ask your wife about the pics. All she can say is, no. Well... lol, maybe she can say more than that. Let us know. We're here.