Are these sentences too long to you?

[HenryH]

I recently wrote a bit of copy mostly for my own practice/fun, but it seems like it breaks the rule of short sentences in almost every line. What do you think?:

Here...

I'm trying to hone my autoresponder writing skills, so I would appreciate any feedback. (Note: I realize that it reads essentially like a salesletter excerpt and not an e-mail).

[KenThompson]

It'd be cool if you could lose the popup if you're gonna ask
people to check out your stuff. How about you go back and
read your first paragraph. Most of it is one long run-on sentence.
Don't you see that?

[HenryH]

Thanks for the critique, Mark. When you say that there's a hugely long sentence after the first few lines, which one specifically are you referring to? Is it the one that begins with...

"You see, I have all ten of my..."

... Or is it a sentence that appears sooner than that?

Because that's the one I have in mind myself. :-)

Is this also where you feel the copy loses the conversational tone you detected during the beginning?

I know what you mean about having a hard time with breaking the tendency to write long sentences. A lot of times, I just feel like if I attenuate this or that portion of a particular sentence, it won't have the essential irresistible "pull" that entrances visitors to read further. You know what I mean?

Then again, I realize that if sentences are so long that the average reader is unable to finish a sentence and then instantly comprehend what they just read WITHOUT having to retreat to the beginning of sentence for a second read... I'll lose their attention even quicker.

Ken -- I know this sounds like splitting hairs, but the first sentence actually isn't a "true" run-on sentence in a grammatical context. But the fact that it's apparently so long that it reads no different from one is an obvious indicator that it needs to be revised. So thanks for the heads-up.

[green1]

Yes, you need to remove extraneous ideas from your writing. For example, in this sentence: "I’m talking serious cash that, if only you had it resting in your bank account this very moment, could be paying for every lavish aspect of a real work-at-home lifestyle."

"If only you had it resting in your bank account this very moment" adds nothing to the thought and in fact detracts from it. I don't really care where my money chooses to rest: in my wallet or bank account, under my hat, on my living room sofa, etc., just so long as it comes when I call. (Besides, that entire sentence is too abstract and flowery: a "real work-at-home lifestyle," is that an image that will make me salivate for your product?)

Your writing is full of such flowery "filler." Simply go through it and remove it all. Good copywriting is concise and forceful. The more useless fluff it contains, the less effective it will be.

[green1]

"Was it intentional that you did this?"

Sure looks like it. He writes like someone enamored of his own prose. People won't buy your prose though (literally).

[BrianMcLeod]

SUBJECT: Ah... So THIS is what happens when you break the rules



{!firstname_fix}, 


I'll bet you and I are a lot alike in this way...

I don’t operate my online businesses with the same
“conventional” methods that nearly everyone else thinks
are so "fail-proof", so "time-proven", or such a "guaranteed
blueprint for success".

My guess is that you don't like following the herd either.

If that sounds like you, I've got something you should see!

(LINK HERE)



Fact is, by being either brave – or stupid – enough to toss
years of convention out the window, I fatefully struck a
deep-running well of profits hidden so far beneath the surface
it was completely *invisible* to everyone – including me!



Was it divine intervention? Or was I just lucky?

I'm not really sure, but I AM very grateful...

Here's all the details:

(LINK HERE)

Hope this finds you well,

Your Name
Your Title

P. S. Don't miss out on this, {!firstname_fix}! I guarantee
it's not the same-old, same-old you get from everyone
else. Don't take my word for it, go now and see for yourself:

(LINK AGAIN)


.



.

[CDarklock]

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

I certainly don't have discussions with people that speak like that.

We're going to have trouble if we ever meet in person.

[BrianMcLeod]

Originally Posted by CDarklock

We're going to have trouble if we ever meet in person.

"Clink.... gulp"

Nah. You guys'll work it out.

(hic)

[Alexa Smith]

I instinctively like this writing a lot.

And I'm afraid that's bad news for you, because I like writing that's indulgent and wordy, with too many long sentences. But people on lists, receiving autoresponder email, tend not to respond to it or even read it as I do.

So I reluctantly agree with most of the comments above, especially Mark's, and maybe even the one about not meeting Caliban on a dark night (or whatever it was) ... not quite so sure about that.

[CDarklock]

Originally Posted by Alexa Smith

So I reluctantly agree with most of the comments above, especially Mark's, and maybe even the one about not meeting Caliban on a dark night (or whatever it was) ... not quite so sure about that.

I'm pretty sure meeting me on a dark night would agree with you.

[CDarklock]

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

So much for the Vegas pact....

Wait, that applies to women, too? It seems I was not fully informed.

[HenryH]

Thanks to all who have offered criticism so far... and especially to Brian for giving the original piece a complete overhaul! Your version flows MUCH better (like anyone would have expected otherwise).

But I'm a bit confused. I realize now the sentences are too long, but aren't asking the reader questions, painting a visual picture of the lifestyle they could be living (a major benefit in this particular example), and writing in a conversational tone all "standard issue" methods of keeping the reader's attention? I actually intended for all the "flowery crap" to do just that and incite curiosity in the reader about just <i>what</i> it is I'm talking about.

Someone above pointed out that the "... If only you had it resting in your bank account..." statement in the e-mail reads like extraneous fluff to them. I was trying to imply that they could be living this lavish lifestyle like "me," but they just don't have the money -- and that's the missing variable that, as long as it's absent, will always be the one thing preventing that dream lifestyle from becoming their reality.

Just to offer a disclaimer and relieve any anxieties: I have NOT actually written like this for my regular ghostwriting client (actually a copywriter) or anyone else, so rest easy knowing that nobody actually paid for... or, even worse, put the sales of their product in the hands of that e-mail.

Thanks for your positive comments, Alexa. :-) If you like those long, wordy sentences, you'd feel as if you've just ripped open an early Christmas present if you read my university research proposal (I'm a biology major)...

[Alexa Smith]

Originally Posted by HenryH

If you like those long, wordy sentences, you'd feel as if you've just ripped open an early Christmas present if you read my university research proposal ...

Suddenly I understand: quite a bit of my offline writing work comprises editing/re-writing Master's degree dissertations (mostly for foreign students).

Good luck getting your research proposal accepted.

Originally Posted by HenryH

(I'm a biology major)

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

(I study "history, philosophy and sociology of science").

[HenryH]

Thanks; the project is actually mandatory in order to be eligible for graduation, so they tend to approve most projects.

I have actually considered freelance scientific grant writing, but evidently, there isn't much of a demand for writers who specialize in that niche (at least not that I can detect...).

LOL, I think I'd rather be studying the "history, philosophy, and sociology" side of science. ;-)

Then again, I should have known that I was diving head-first into a degree that centers around memorizing hundreds of PowerPoint slides about boring crap with words most people don't even know how to pronounce...

[CDarklock]

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

"Clink.... gulp"

Nah. You guys'll work it out.

(hic)

Lol! Now that's funny.

[Daniel Scott]

It's a classic mistake for new copywriters.

Heck... I'm a MUSIC major... and even *I* have to constantly edit my letters to cut out the excess verbiage.

The thing is that people won't read big words... it seems like too much work.

Same deal for long-winded sentences.

Personally, I HATE academic writing... seems to me to be an exercise in pompousness. What's wrong with putting things in a simply, easy-to-understand context?

In regards to the "flowery prose" statement... it doesn't incite curiosity. It looks like understanding it would be WORK... and people HATE that.

Definitely paint those mental pictures... but do it in a way that's easy to digest.

When I write these days... I always imagine I'm in a blue-collar bar in New York... simple language, gets the point across quickly... no time for "fluff".

Maybe that'll help.

-Dan

[wocables]

Yes, delet all ideas. For example, in this sentence: "I’m talking serious cash that, if only you had it resting in your bank account this very moment, could be paying for every lavish aspect of a real work-at-home lifestyle."