The Virgin's back!

LETERRY911 · 09-04-2009, 11:42 AM

This web stuff confuses the hell out of me. I've now managed to put my pages into a website so please please can some kind soul give me some advice so that my first squeeze page isn't my last. I was advised to post a link but it won't let me because I haven't posted before so hopefully you can find the site with this info:

web.me.com
/danserfamilyaccount
/wub

Scott Murdaugh · 09-04-2009, 11:58 AM

That's about as bad as it gets.

I'd do a "Here's How" headline, and write a whole lot more to test with.

Beyond that the layout is a mess. I can't read the intro because the print is tiny. The bullets are formatted all weird.

There's no opt in form above the fold. The bullets are weak and even though I can sort of figure out your USP, most visitors won't be able to.

Burn it and go back to the drawing board. And don't take this personally.

Good luck,

-Scott

LETERRY911 · 09-04-2009, 12:57 PM

Thanks for your comments. I didn't realise it was quite so bad, but I certainly didn't throw it together it took masses of work. Did you look at both the pages that I put up - squeeze and sales? I realised the squeeze looked bad as i put it up but i thought the sales page wasn't so dreadful?

LETERRY911 · 09-04-2009, 01:21 PM

As I said i'm new to all this, i thought i had put up a link that was for both pages. Sorry if i'm making this difficult but I'm just learning about all this stuff. I am taking it very seriously and trying very hard to get it right.

Bill Jeffels · 09-04-2009, 01:58 PM

I'm going to give you some positive points first.

The good part is that you talk alot about it's only a 5 minute exercise. And that's good because in reallity people don't want to work out but they want to look like a Hollywood star.

You know what I do for fun? Besides studying copywriting... I watch infomercials.

Beach body has some of the best fitness infomercials. And you want to know something? They're all pretty much the same show... but with a different Star. Star Story Solution. It works.

My advice to you is to study other winning fitness ads. I believe I was watching Turbo Jam... you know what my wife said when she watched a few minutes of Turbo Jam? "Oh that looks like fun".

So, your product should be fun... it shouldn't be like exercising. Oh ya, where is your big promise? The big benefit.

Take care,

Bill

LETERRY911 · 09-05-2009, 05:18 AM

Thanks for the feedback. I knew my pages needed improvement, but I didn't realise they were quite so bad! I obviously have an awful lot to learn.

I'm back to the drawing board today, hopefully you'll see an improved version soon.

green1 · 09-05-2009, 08:58 PM

I will say only that you may want to make the necessary arrangements to be one of the sixteen vestal virgins leaving for the coast....

09-04-2009, 11:42 AM	#1
LETERRY911 Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 11 Thanks: 7 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	The Virgin's back! This web stuff confuses the hell out of me. I've now managed to put my pages into a website so please please can some kind soul give me some advice so that my first squeeze page isn't my last. I was advised to post a link but it won't let me because I haven't posted before so hopefully you can find the site with this info: web.me.com /danserfamilyaccount /wub

09-04-2009, 11:58 AM	#2
Scott Murdaugh ResultsCopywriting.com War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Diego, Ca Posts: 916 Thanks: 296 Thanked 600 Times in 218 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: The Virgin's back! That's about as bad as it gets. I'd do a "Here's How" headline, and write a whole lot more to test with. Beyond that the layout is a mess. I can't read the intro because the print is tiny. The bullets are formatted all weird. There's no opt in form above the fold. The bullets are weak and even though I can sort of figure out your USP, most visitors won't be able to. Burn it and go back to the drawing board. And don't take this personally. Good luck, -Scott
	Done-For-You Offline Client Attraction System By Top Copywriter... How I Consistently Produce Double-Digit Conversion Rates For My Copywriting Clients...

09-04-2009, 12:57 PM	#3
LETERRY911 Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 11 Thanks: 7 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: The Virgin's back! Thanks for your comments. I didn't realise it was quite so bad, but I certainly didn't throw it together it took masses of work. Did you look at both the pages that I put up - squeeze and sales? I realised the squeeze looked bad as i put it up but i thought the sales page wasn't so dreadful?

09-04-2009, 01:21 PM	#4
LETERRY911 Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 11 Thanks: 7 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: The Virgin's back! As I said i'm new to all this, i thought i had put up a link that was for both pages. Sorry if i'm making this difficult but I'm just learning about all this stuff. I am taking it very seriously and trying very hard to get it right.

09-04-2009, 01:58 PM	#5
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 377 Thanks: 143 Thanked 92 Times in 82 Posts	Re: The Virgin's back! I'm going to give you some positive points first. The good part is that you talk alot about it's only a 5 minute exercise. And that's good because in reallity people don't want to work out but they want to look like a Hollywood star. You know what I do for fun? Besides studying copywriting... I watch infomercials. Beach body has some of the best fitness infomercials. And you want to know something? They're all pretty much the same show... but with a different Star. Star Story Solution. It works. My advice to you is to study other winning fitness ads. I believe I was watching Turbo Jam... you know what my wife said when she watched a few minutes of Turbo Jam? "Oh that looks like fun". So, your product should be fun... it shouldn't be like exercising. Oh ya, where is your big promise? The big benefit. Take care, Bill
	Copywriting WSO:FINALLY, YOU CAN NOW DISCOVER THESE AMAZING COPYWRITING SECRETS TOO! Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

09-05-2009, 05:18 AM	#6
LETERRY911 Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 11 Thanks: 7 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: The Virgin's back! Thanks for the feedback. I knew my pages needed improvement, but I didn't realise they were quite so bad! I obviously have an awful lot to learn. I'm back to the drawing board today, hopefully you'll see an improved version soon.

09-05-2009, 08:58 PM	#7
green1 Active Warrior Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: , , USA. Posts: 37 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: The Virgin's back! I will say only that you may want to make the necessary arrangements to be one of the sixteen vestal virgins leaving for the coast....