Critique Request: Unlocking Writer's Block (Hypnosis Product)

[mph]

Hello. I was just wondering if you could please let me know what you think of the impact of this letter:

Unlock Your Writer's Block

I'm interested, of course in what you think about the quality of the letter itself.

But I also have a few questions about formatting...

- is the Courier font ok?
- have I used enough white space?
- does the letter "flow"?
- do I need to add more pictures or anything to make the text less ... dense?
- is it a good idea to include the price of the product in a subhead? or should i tuck it away in a paragraph?

Last but not least, thanks a lot in advance!

P

[Chris Ramsey]

Hey,

The headline is pretty good, but the sub needs a lot of work.

I tend to stick with short and punchy as my general rule. Every now and then you'll see me using a long headline, but it's rare.

The questions in your sub, move those to the first few sentences - maybe even use a "form" for readers to check off the symptoms they have regarding writers block. That's tested well for me.

Also, steer clear of cursing. It's going to turn off a lot of readers. Unless you want to sell a product to people who are rude and annoying themselves, I'd leave it out.

The picture - change it. Don't use something copywrited, much less a movie poster image. Go to flickr and search through the photos you can use commercially for a good one of someone who is stressed out.

These few tips should be enough to get you started off on the right track.

[Scott Murdaugh]

I'd second the cursing... It's worse that you used "GD"... There are a lot of religious people who would take serious offense to that.

-Scott

[Hugh Thyer]

I like courier as a font. Its very easy to read. But the tradeoff is that you dont fit as much in. That front page (ie what you see on the screen without scrolling) is your most valuable real estate. You need to get your point across there, because if you dont give enough reason for people to go on, they wont.

I think there's too much white space on the opening screen, and you should use this space more effectively. This may mean a change in font too.

Otherwise it looks good. I'd answer the objections (FAQs) in the body copy BEFORE the close rather than in the PSs. After the close is too late because you can't ask for the money before you answer their objections.

[travlinguy]

I think your header and sub are decent. They'll draw the naive in. But from a real writer's perspective they are BS. There are so many courses that promise writing proficiency where delivering is virtually impossible. There is no course that will make anyone a good writer.

Writing requires inherent skill and lots of time spent at both reading and writing. And regardless of what anyone says, there is no getting around it – it comes down to lots of hours of reading and writing.

I also find the first line very offensive and so will a lot of potential customers.

Your reference to The Shining is WAY overdone.

The rest, to the trained eye (a real writer), will be perceived as a 'magic' writer's pill. And once again, there is no ‘instant writer’ pill. Having said that, you might make sales but it will be impossible to deliver on most of your outrageous promises.

[dtendrich]

Hey P,

I think your headline is very benefit-driven, and for that it's great, but at the very end of your sales letter you have a sub-head that I think would make an even more powerful headline:

The Most Advanced Techniques GUARANTEED To Unlock Even The Nastiest Case Of Writer’s Block Easily And Effortlessly... In 33 Minutes Or Less!

The wording is a bit awkward, but with a little polishing that would make a great headline.

Also, in just skimming your page, I didn't come across any sub-heads that really called out to me (except for the very first one, which is quite good), and made me want to read the body text around them. I'd work on making the rest of your sub-heads as powerful as the first one...

"The block that almost killed my dreams and career" - that's really intriguing and suspenseful.

As for formatting, I would make your first subhead into bullet points (but the picture that accompanies them is great):

"-Are you tired of being at the mercy of writers block?

-Do you wonder where all the inspiration...."

And so on...

And maybe it's just me, but the courier font is a bit hard to read for me. It's just hard on the eyes. I would go with Arial or Times New Roman. Otherwise, you have a great amount of white space, and spacing and formatting in general is really good.

Best,
David

[Bill Jeffels]

You screwed up huge.

Want to know why? That could of been the most persuasive, compelling, and suductive sales message of all time but...

You Offended Your Audience

As soon as people are offended... click... toilet... garbage... bye.

Bill

[seobro]

Hi Mph:

I clicked on Affiliates link and got.

Not Found
The requested URL /affiliates/ was not found on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

[Astounding Writing Coach]

I agree with the other writers. I feel offended right off with the profanity.

Since 1988 I've been a certified hypnotist so I understand about creating self-hypnosis programs. I've created many of them and help other professional hypnotists (who are commonly horrible at marketing) create self-hypnosis programs.

From the get go you do some great rapport building skills (except for the profanity) with pre-hypnotic suggestions. I would change where you use "was" to "felt" or "feel" (as appropriate.) Those kinesthetic "feeling" words gets readers into the feeling state.

As far as relating to Jack Nicholson, you do have copyright permission to refer to that, right? Also, only some of your readers will have seen that movie or know about it. I never saw it myself. I would use a different reference that is more well known by your masses target audience.

I like the font size, but better is bigger. Remember, most likely your readers are baby boomers. That means bi- and tri-focals. You make the font size bigger, they stay on the site longer and you know that increases the chances of a sale.

Where it says, "I thought about all the naysayers", I would change that to "I pictured all the naysayers..." This connects readers to visual imagery instead of the left brain, non-visual connection.

I would change "My sister then suggested I talk to" to "My sister then suggested I talk with " to develop a subconscious rapport. To sounds like you're dominating. "With" is partnering/joint venture talk.

Please, please, please do NOT say something negative about hypnotism. This will be a HUGE turn off to other hypnotists who do everything they can to help people see this is a safe, natural, normal nervous system response. And, you may attract unwanted attention from The National Guild of Hypnotists or the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners or some such other global professional hypnosis organization.

"He spoke funny and I thought he might have been smoking something funny, too." NO! NO! NO!

When I thought of hypnotism, visions of brainwashing danced in my head. Luckily, Dr. Jay assured me that I’d been watching too much TV. No! No! No! Please soften these remarks to something like...

"When I thought of hypnotism, visions of clocks being swung in front of a person's fast danced in my head. Luckily, Dr. Jay assured me that hypnosis occurs in daily activities. Each time we express a strong emotion, that often is a hypnotic state."

In the phrase "
How to kill the inner critic within"

consider changing the word "kill" to "silence".

Consider changing "
What your 3-year old child can teach you about beating writer’s block"

to "
What your 3-year old child can teach you about dissolving writer’s block
or

"
The secret your 3-year old child can show you about making writer's block quickly vanish


In this paragraph:

This guide is written in an explicit, clear and straightforward manner. It is loaded with useful block-beating and creativity-boosting exercises.

consider using "block-vanishing" or "block dissolving" instead of "block-beating."

I would chance this analogy "
That’s right, for less than the cost of a restaurant meal, you’ll get:" A lot more people are eating in McDonald's nowadays. You might write it:

"
That’s right, for less than the cost of a nice meal in a quality restaurant, you’ll get:"

In "Why put off something that could so easily & effortlessly kill your writer’s block in 33 minutes or less? "

consider using "effortlessly evaporate"

Is the Frequently Asked Questions hyperlink broken or are you still working on that?

Hope this info helps you.
Susan Fox, CH
Columnist,
National Guild of Hypnotists,
The World's Largest Professional Hypnosis Organization

[green1]

It's quite long... I'm curious as to whether the copywriters here think the story he's told is compelling enough to hold the reader's attention? Personally I didn't find it all that interesting.

I think the movie was "The Shining," a grade B horror movie in which Jack Nicholson plays, of all things, a writer who goes mad. (Wasn't it a subliminal tape set that pushed him over the edge?) Hmm, maybe the ad could also be a trivia contest: name the movie the Nicholson photo is from and I'll throw in ___

[TimCastleman]

You need some proof that this works. Testimonials, etc.

PROOF.

Also for $67 I would like to see an actual physical product that can be outsourced for a few bucks.

As a fellow hypnotist I'll look at it again in the morning with fresh eyes.

Tim

PS: If you want someone to review the product itself let me know.

[mph]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, everyone! The advice I received here was invaluable! I am deeply grateful for each and every piece of advice I received.

About the "Courier" font, I';ve found out that it has been tested by a few serious marketers and and actually found to decrease conversions and readability. I'll stick with Times Roman or Arial or something...no big deal.

I will implement about 80-90% of the changes you suggested. Which means you really hit the nail on the head with your comments.

Thanks again!

P