Copy Critique: Marketing For Hypnotists

[David Babineau]

Hi there,

I'm currently working on some copy and I'd really appreciate any feedback.

Here's the sales page:

Hypnosis Marketing Success - How To Ignite Your Hypnosis Business


The target market is: hypnotherapists looking to grow their business

Cheers & Thanks,
David

[TimCastleman]

I want a photo of you with the baby grand piano (more creditability).

I also want you to spend a few bucks on a better ebook cover and CD's as well.

Check out www.3hourads.com for what I am talking about.

More to follow. Oh and I am a hypnotist so if you want me to review it and help you with that let me know.

Tim

[TimCastleman]

Oh and you need some testimonials from people who have at least read the info or even better actually used it. If you need help with that PM me and I'll give you an idea.

Tim

[Daniel Scott]

I only had a very quick look... here are some quick pointers.

1. You go for the sell too quick IMHO. Think of it like picking up a girl at the bar. You don't go "Hi, my name's Dan. Wanna have sex?". You start out keeping things light and interesting... get them interested in you... build desire... THEN go for the jugular.

2. Your copy skips around all over the place. Try and make it flow smoothly, like a river, instead of a series of ponds.

3. Use benefits in your bullet points. They're not bad but they could be more powerful if you tied in the exact benefits on the end instead of expecting the reader to put two and two together (often they won't).

That's just a few things I noticed... so don't take it as a complete critique or anything.

-Dan

[David Babineau]

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated

Tim -- good points regarding credibility and graphics. Yes some people are currently reviewing the product so we'll definitely add some testimonials later on. Thank you for your for review offer - I'll ask Andrew and will get back to you..

Daniel -- thanks for the feedback.Good analogy in #1. I usually don't go for this tactic but in this case I figured it would suck them in with greed "what? you mean I get all this information for free!? tell me more" although that may be a false assumption on my part...

Regarding #2/3, if it's not too much to ask, could you give me a specific example?

Thanks again for your valuable feedback,
David

[TimCastleman]

Dan -

Are you saying that the whole "Hi my name is Dan, lets have sex" doesn't work for you? I don't have any problem with it. I mean I get told no all the time but I don't have a problem asking. Come to think of it my wife doesn't like it much when I do this while we're on a date.

Oh well.

Tim

[Collette]

Originally Posted by TimCastleman

Dan -

Are you saying that the whole "Hi my name is Dan, lets have sex" doesn't work for you? I don't have any problem with it. I mean I get told no all the time but I don't have a problem asking. Come to think of it my wife doesn't like it much when I do this while we're on a date.

Oh well.

Tim

Message to market, Tim...

You might be surprised at your results if you said that to your wife...

[David Babineau]

Hi there,

I just finished creating an alternate version to my previous salespage. I'm just wondering if someone could give me their overall impression on which general copy approach they like the best (or rather, they think would convert best?)

Original ("flip the pitch")

Hypnosis Marketing Success - How To Ignite Your Hypnosis Business

Alternate ("more standard" approach)
Hypnosis Marketing Success - How To Ignite Your Hypnosis Business

Also wondering if anyone has any thoughts on the different offers - $97 versus $1 trial?

Thanks again for your help
David

[Collette]

David - None of this:

Hypnotherapist Marketing Secrets REVEALED!

Yours FREE! Over 4 Hours Of Audio Interviews
With 8 Of The World's Leading, Most Successful Hypnotherapists... Listen In As They Reveal Over 67 Of Their BEST Kept "Hidden" Marketing Gems...

I want to give you INSTANT ACCESS to a collection of Never-Before Heard interviews with TOP hypnotists Tom Nicoli, Steve Roehm, Richard Nongard, Debbie Lane, Nicola Dexter, Cindy Locher, Igor Ledochowski & Rosa Smith-Montanaro. This collection of Master Interviews - a $632 value - is yours Absolutely FREE just for saying "maybe" to my brand-new "Hypnosis Marketing Success" system.

... passes the "So what?" test. Yellow highlighter notwithstanding.

Your buyer does not care about your spiffy, nifty, super-duper, sleek and shiny, brand-new "system". Or your hours of audio interviews. Or whatever the leading hypotherapists have to say about their successful practices.

What does any of that have to do with your prospect's life? What does any of that have to do with his struggles to achieve success, fulfilment, and respect?

Nada.

You haven't drawn the dots for them. Don't assume that your prospect will do your job for you. Don't assume that what is (presumably) obvious to you is obvious to them.

They won't. And it isn't.

Your buyer cares (we're assuming) about building their hypnosis practice to a level that affords them a lifestyle they desire. Whatever "lifestyle" means to them.

(Remember, "lifestyle" is a personal thing. For some people, a McMansion is part of their desired "lifestyle". For others, it's a goat farm in uber-rural Oregon. "More money" isn't "a lifestyle". "More money" allows "a lifestyle".)

See if you can distill your headline down to about 10 words or less. This will force you to identify The Big Promise in your offer.

Because, trust me, if you can't distill the essential core of your pitch into less than 94 words - you don't have a convincing pitch.

Peel away the hyperbole and fluff. Get to the heart of the offer.

Once you get the the plain heart of the offer, you can always go back and "juice it up".

What you have right now is all pulp and no juice.

A 94-word headline that contains a list of features - and not one single benefit - is a weak headline. No matter how many Big Names or numbers you throw into it.

And don't use "maybe" in your headline unless you're doing a reverse psychology thing. That one word just planted the idea of "procrastination" in your prospect's head. Which idea you will now have to work extra hard to overcome.

No reason to make YOUR job more difficult.

As for the body copy:

I scanned the first few paragraphs. Way too much "push". No engagement with the prospct. No acknowledgement of THEIR issues. No offer to solve THEIR problems. All about me, me, me, and what "I" want.

Meh. *click*

Added after rewrite:

Much better headline. Still a bit generic. But better.

Copy still launches into "Hi, I'm X and I'm so hot that I just KNOW you want to sleep with me."

Not.

Keep going.

[David Babineau]

Hi Colette,

Thanks for the great feedback, I really appreciate it.

You make some excellent points regarding the headline. I wrote out 27 headlines, can't believe I missed that with this one I'll rework it.

Regarding the word "maybe", I took that idea from an old Dan Kennedy letter (actually the whole concept of "selling" the bonus at first) but yeah I definitely see what you mean...

I guess I should build the story more in the beginning too..

Thanks all great points!

David

[Dainis]

Stopped reading at "over 4 hours," man I can't stand it when pitched to with the LENGTH of video or audio material. It gets worse "over 40 hours of INTENSE CONTENT PACKED Marketing Information" Great...and when am I supposed to watch this, while going down the slide at the park with my daughter?

I agree with Collette...condense condense and pack a whallup on direct benefits to your prospects.

David, you are taking the advice here really well, congrats on that. :-) I've argued with expert advice in the past to my own detriment.

[David Babineau]

Hi Dainis,

Thanks for the useful feedback.

Regarding the "length" pitch, yeah sometimes I'm annoyed too and other times I'm not. My theory on this is that whenever someone is new to a certain type of information, the more interested they will be in such claims.

For example, when I was just learning marketing a few years back I was all hyped up about Dan Kennedy's "Most Incredible Free Gift Ever" and all the stuff you got ("impress them by sheer volume"), yet now, I often don't sign up for the latest reports, etc. because I just don't want to be on a another list and already have (like you alluded to) way more stuff to read than I have time for.

My thinking is that in fields other than marketing/IM people are probablty less exposed to this type of information/etc. so they are probably more likely to respond in a favorable way than not, but I may be wrong!

So I guess my question is: do you assume from the start that they'll tune it out or do you go for another approach right from the start?

Originally Posted by Dainis

David, you are taking the advice here really well, congrats on that. :-) I've argued with expert advice in the past to my own detriment.

Thanks Dainis. I try to keep my ego out of it and look for useful feedback that will improve the letter.

Best,
David

[Collette]

Originally Posted by BargainCopywriter

...
my question is: do you assume from the start that they'll tune it out or do you go for another approach right from the start?

David

You assume nothing.

You must, must, MUST know your prospect. The universe of hypnotists who want marketing information is going to break down into people who are at different stages of the "awareness" spectrum.

For example: People who are:

- new to marketing, and
- who know little or nothing about marketing, and
- who know that they know little or nothing about marketing, AND
- who want to increase their knowledge about marketing

will be interested in 40+ hours of marketing information.

OTOH, people who just want their marketing results to improve are not interested in 40+ hours of information.

They want to cut to the chase. They do not want to have to listen to 39+ hours of information to find the 1 hour (or less!) that applies to their situation. And they won't.

Knowing your prospect allows you to tailor your copy precisely to their hot spots.

Not knowing your prospect (i.e. "assuming") is like spraying shotgun pellets into the night sky and praying you'll hit a mosquito.

[Ross Bowring]

David,

When you're teasing the content of the interviews the...

Marketing Secrets... REVEALED! gets repetitive quick.

Instead, find a micro-hook for each of the people you interviewed and have that teaser copy concentrate on one aspect of hypnotism marketing. Then as your reader scans, they'll get the message that they are getting a comprehensive range of marketing expertise, not just general marketing advice from each.

A bit like if you were promoting speakers at a seminar and said...

Tellman Knudson... List-Building Tactics Of Cash-Rich Marketers...

Perry Marshall... Secrets Of Seven-Figure Adword Kingpins...

Hope this helps.

Ross

[David Babineau]

Collette - more great points thanks. It's actually 4 hours, not 40 so not as painful but still I get your point

Originally Posted by Collette

... like spraying shotgun pellets into the night sky and praying you'll hit a mosquito.

Great quote!


Ross - yes that was very helpful thank you. I'll see what hooks I can come up with...


Tim - I'm going to send you a PM right now regarding reviewing the product, thanks again.


Cheers,
David

[TimCastleman]

David -

PM returned with issues I am having.

Tim

[keystothemind]

Hey
As a hypnotist myself I can't wait for the launch, again if you're after testimonials please let me know.

Comments / endorsements from the people you interviewed may go down well to (and if you could get them to promote the product that would bring in a lot).

I've worked with Richard and Igor (both good friends) before on various things, (you'll seem them both on my site below) and i'm sure they'd help you out.

Anyway, best of luck and feel free to PM me.
Cheers
Nathan Thomas.

[Paul McQuillan]

Originally Posted by Collette

Not knowing your prospect (i.e. "assuming") is like spraying shotgun pellets into the night sky and praying you'll hit a mosquito.

I just stole that

Great analogy

[David Babineau]

Hey Nathan,

Thanks for your helpful suggestions and offer. I'm going to send you a PM right now with details.

Cheers,
David

[Collette]

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

I just stole that

Great analogy

Thanks, Paul.

It's the caffine.

[Johnny12345]

Originally Posted by TimCastleman

Dan -

Are you saying that the whole "Hi my name is Dan, lets have sex" doesn't work for you? I don't have any problem with it. I mean I get told no all the time but I don't have a problem asking. Come to think of it my wife doesn't like it much when I do this while we're on a date.

Oh well.

Tim
Message to market, Tim...


You might be surprised at your results if you said that to your wife...
--Collette

Tim,

In other words... you were targeting the wrong market!

Johnny

[Johnny12345]

David,

<SARCASM>
You need to add more "Add to Cart" buttons. With only SEVEN (!!!) buttons, nobody will be able to figure out how to buy it.
</END SARCASM>

You can't force them to purchase simply by throwing lots of order buttons at them... you have to use your copy to make them want to find the order button.

Johnny

Originally Posted by BargainCopywriter

Hi there,

I'm currently working on some copy and I'd really appreciate any feedback.

Here's the sales page:

Hypnosis Marketing Success - How To Ignite Your Hypnosis Business


The target market is: hypnotherapists looking to grow their business

Cheers & Thanks,
David

[David Babineau]

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

David,

<SARCASM>
You need to add more "Add to Cart" buttons. With only SEVEN (!!!) buttons, nobody will be able to figure out how to buy it.
</END SARCASM>

You can't force them to purchase simply by throwing lots of order buttons at them... you have to use your copy to make them want to find the order button.

Johnny

I wouldn't want to make them work too hard haha.. Point well taken though thanks for the feedback..

Cheers,
David

[Daniel Scott]

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

David,

<SARCASM>
You need to add more "Add to Cart" buttons. With only SEVEN (!!!) buttons, nobody will be able to figure out how to buy it.
</END SARCASM>

You can't force them to purchase simply by throwing lots of order buttons at them... you have to use your copy to make them want to find the order button.

Johnny

Vin has a great post on this on the old forum.

Basically... if you try to get them to order half way through the page... before they've read the bonuses, guarantee, or price justification... that's going to kill your order.

From what I've seen, at least (I haven't tested this in every market).

But think of it like (again) picking up a girl.

You ask for the close ONCE... at the right time.

You don't go "I work in IT managing computers... wanna sleep together?"

Major disconnect.

Remember... copy flows.

-Dan

[Chris Ramsey]

I wish this product was around back when I ran my hypnosis practice Would have helped a lot I'm sure.

I know a few people who could really use this product. Let me know once it's done and released. I'll get it in with them.

[eaglechick]

It seems that you have put in a lot of effort into this. Well done. I'm sure you're going to make a killing and help a lot of people.

I'm not a sales copy expert but just a few small observations.

Agree that maybe you can look into a more "catchy" ebook cover. Although it is
not considered "important" for sales an ebook cover that stands out will certainly
enhance sales a little bit.

You can get a really colourful, professional ebook cover designed for you at mini-site-guru.com for $17.00. Delivery within 2-3 days. I've checked out his designs and it
looks good to me.

Then just the bullets (icons) - maybe he can also design a set that fits in with the
ebook design otherwise you can go to iconfinder.com for free icons.

IMHO it is important that the overall flow and design fits in together.

From a buyers point of view I agree that some of the add to cart buttons must
go. In the last section one after each paragraph? I really think it is too much.

Just 3-4 spread throughout the sales copy might do the trick.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

[Johnny12345]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Basically... if you try to get them to order half way through the page... before they've read the bonuses, guarantee, or price justification... that's going to kill your order.

Exactly. It's salesmanship in print. You don't, necessarily, have to step through all the elements of AIDA in a precise order, but you NEVER ask for the sale until you've finished your sales presentation.

Johnny

[Nick Brighton]

Originally Posted by Collette

Not knowing your prospect (i.e. "assuming") is like spraying shotgun pellets into the night sky and praying you'll hit a mosquito.

Collete, there is something romantic about your writing. I've been paying attention to your posts, and your intelligence bursts through all the time.

Wanna watch a movie sometime?

;-)

[David Babineau]

Daniel Scott - "Vin has a great post on this on the old forum."

Apologies here but can anyone tell me how/where do I access the "old forum"? Thanks..

Daniel Scott - "Basically... if you try to get them to order half way through the page... before they've read the bonuses, guarantee, or price justification... that's going to kill your order.

From what I've seen, at least (I haven't tested this in every market).

But think of it like (again) picking up a girl.

You ask for the close ONCE... at the right time.

You don't go "I work in IT managing computers... wanna sleep together?"

Major disconnect.

Remember... copy flows."

You make a solid point Daniel thank you. The reason I use order links "early and often" is because I picked that up in Bob Bly's "Copywriting Handbook" a while back (at least I'm fairly certain that was where).. so perhaps the information is a bit outdated now or I may have misinterpreted it. I do agree with Johnny too ("you NEVER ask for the sale until you've finished your sales presentation") and I guess it's just a habit I acquired... I'll update that to make it flow better / reduce # of links I think that makes more sense...

Chris Ramsey - "I wish this product was around back when I ran my hypnosis practice Would have helped a lot I'm sure.

I know a few people who could really use this product. Let me know once it's done and released. I'll get it in with them."

Thanks for the great feedback! I'll let you know once it's released. Also, I think Andrew may still be looking for a few people to review it in case you'd be interested...

eaglechick - "It seems that you have put in a lot of effort into this. Well done. I'm sure you're going to make a killing and help a lot of people."

Thanks! I hope you're right Thanks for other recommendations as well (yeah bullets as "hypnotist's watch" or similar might be good...)



Thanks for all the additional feedback everybody - I appreciate it!

[David Babineau]

Regarding multiple order links - found some info on this in one of Michel Fortin's posts:

http://www.michelfortin.com/put-your-copy-to-the-test/

If you scroll down to

"4. Pep­per your order links through­out your copy (not just at the end like most peo­ple). Repeat them again and again before the end."

he goes on to talk about what's better.

The Upshot? Use multiple links if the audience is pre-sold and use a single link otherwise.

Cheers,
David

[Johnny12345]

Originally Posted by BargainCopywriter

Regarding multiple order links - found some info on this in one of Michel Fortin's posts:

http://www.michelfortin.com/put-your-copy-to-the-test/

If you scroll down to

"4. Pep*per your order links through*out your copy (not just at the end like most peo*ple). Repeat them again and again before the end."

he goes on to talk about what's better.

The Upshot? Use multiple links if the audience is pre-sold and use a single link otherwise.

Cheers,
David

David,

Even if your visitors are pre-sold, when I can scroll through your page and see TWO order buttons on a single screen, in my opinion, you're got a few too many.

And there are "degrees" of being pre-sold. If you're Frank Kern on Mass Control launch day, you probably don't need anything BUT an order button. But, for the rest of us, the definition of "pre-sold" is probably a bit fuzzier.

Johnny