Can you evaluate my copy?

khanarms · 09-17-2008, 07:09 AM

Boys and girls,
I just launched a new product and drove some traffic with adwords to it.
While I have just a small sample to make conclusions yet, Im a little worried that virtually all searches didn't stick to the page even for a few seconds. So bounce and exit rate is 100%.
I expect this to be a high conversion niche, but probably my copy isn't upp to par. So Im asking you for a favor by evaluating it and tell me what you see wrong.
Will be much appreciated.
here is the sales page:
33 Days To Acne Free Skin Life

DavidJohnson · 09-17-2008, 07:36 AM

I know that when most people go into forums to get their copy critiqued the first thing thrashed is the headline and without TRYING to sound like a broken record I'm going to go a step further and tell you why it's no good.

The headline gives me no reason whatsoever to read the rest of the copy, it tells me plain as day what the whole program is about. I have to diet.

If you think about it this world is full of failed diets because most people lack the willpower and focus to stay the course. And because the headline says I have to diet I, and most people I'm sure, am turned off by the word.

Without thinking too hard the first thing that comes to my mind for a headline would be something like: "Quit Poisoning your Face with Creams and Stop Acne Forever WITHOUT using Side-Effect causing Drugs."

Keep in mind I spent longer typing that then coming up with it but my point is that a good headline makes people want to read, it creates curiosity. It gets the reader to ask themselves a question they want answered. In my example I ask myself, "If not drugs then what?"

I hope that helps! Good luck.

khanarms · 09-17-2008, 07:39 AM

Thanks will try it

09-17-2008, 07:09 AM	#1
khanarms Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 15 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Can you evaluate my copy? Boys and girls, I just launched a new product and drove some traffic with adwords to it. While I have just a small sample to make conclusions yet, Im a little worried that virtually all searches didn't stick to the page even for a few seconds. So bounce and exit rate is 100%. I expect this to be a high conversion niche, but probably my copy isn't upp to par. So Im asking you for a favor by evaluating it and tell me what you see wrong. Will be much appreciated. here is the sales page: 33 Days To Acne Free Skin Life

09-17-2008, 07:36 AM	#2
DavidJohnson Freelance Copywriter Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Portland, Or. Posts: 78 Thanks: 1 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts Contact Info	Re: Can you evaluate my copy? I know that when most people go into forums to get their copy critiqued the first thing thrashed is the headline and without TRYING to sound like a broken record I'm going to go a step further and tell you why it's no good. The headline gives me no reason whatsoever to read the rest of the copy, it tells me plain as day what the whole program is about. I have to diet. If you think about it this world is full of failed diets because most people lack the willpower and focus to stay the course. And because the headline says I have to diet I, and most people I'm sure, am turned off by the word. Without thinking too hard the first thing that comes to my mind for a headline would be something like: "Quit Poisoning your Face with Creams and Stop Acne Forever WITHOUT using Side-Effect causing Drugs." Keep in mind I spent longer typing that then coming up with it but my point is that a good headline makes people want to read, it creates curiosity. It gets the reader to ask themselves a question they want answered. In my example I ask myself, "If not drugs then what?" I hope that helps! Good luck.

09-17-2008, 07:39 AM	#3
khanarms Warrior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 15 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Can you evaluate my copy? Thanks will try it