I Need A Critique

[jukeboxhero]

Okay, so maybe I didn't...I think he's pretty killer actually. But I had to get your attention somehow didn't I?

Please give me some pointers...I'm a full time real estate investor who tinkers with copy and this is what I got... PLEASE HELP

A mix of some finer points that I learned from others along with my own stuff here and there...The weak points in the copy of course.


Thanks in advance

[Justin Mandel]

You need to presell this in the area before the header to let people know who this type of product is for.

Something like this:

ATTENTION: All real estate investors looking to maximize their profits...

Best of Luck!

[Jack Bastide]

The Technical aspects of the page are decent

You do Need a Prehead as was pointed out

You need a closing and a few strong P.S.'s

Page is a little Narrow for my taste

This part lost me >> A Real Estate Concierge?

I very quickly scanned it but not too bad

Update: I Just noticed that you DO have P.S.'s But in a wierd
place. I would probably put them at the end because scanners
will look for them

Jack

[jukeboxhero]

Hey thanks for the advice I added a pretty fancy new header...NOT! But I'll be interested to see how it pulls.

It's a remix of a Top 100 Jay abraham headline....

I follow you on the P.S., I gotta try it this way because of the way I've positioned the bonus as a last minute thing.....

I thought about the scanners but figured they'd see the 2 testimonials, then hit the order form, where I bascially have a bunch of P.S's if you read em.

THANKS A TON

[jukeboxhero]

Oh and the thing about the Concierge.....I fixed it...That was a killer heads up....I forgot to tie my product and the thought together...

Woo, woo

[Raydal]

I've given you a start in the right direction by critiquing the first
6 pages of the letter. A lot of the mistakes are repeated
throughout the letter so I hope you find this helpful.

See the attached PDF file.

-Ray Edwards

[The Copy Nazi]

Mate, I'd dig to re-write that. I'd lose at least half of it. The most compelling things you have on that page are the pics of the real estate and the heads. But why put them below the fold? Forget the rest of the B/S. It smacks of "trying too hard". K.I.S.S.

And lose all the fancy fonts - detracts from the sell. P.M. me if you want to rock 'n' roll. I'll help you out.

[Jack Bastide]

I read through the leter a little more and saw the story about your
wife mowing lawns

That's a good story

I would make that the Focus of the letter

Talk about How You Saved your Wife from
Mowing Lawns with the Real Estate

Jack

[ahlexis]

There are several places where the spelling is off. For instance, you say "your" when you should have said "you are" or "you're".

And in the "real estate concierge" section, one thought just doesn't flow completely.

In other words, here's what you DON'T need:
A Bank Account Full Of Cash...

A 300+ Credit Score...

To Deal With Nightmare Tenants

Any Real Estate Experience...

To Take On Any of Risk

To A Single Nights Sleep Wondering About the Real Estate Market.....

Specifically, "you don't need . . . to a single nights sleep wondering . . ." should probably read "you don't need . . . to LOSE a single NIGHT'S sleep wondering . . ."

Also,

Here's a picture two offices I was forced to spend most of my time once I started wholesaling. It beat's the hell out of a cubical.

sounds better as "Here's a picture OF two offices I was forced to spend most of my time IN (or ON) once I started wholesaling. It beatS the hell out of a cubical." As in, no apostrophe needed after the "t" in "beats".

And on the part where it says

Using my XXXX method, I bought this home for $29,000...Just 30 days earlier it sold at auction for $108,000.

Sounds good. But a logical conclusion there is, of course it did...because it went back to the bank for the loan balance that they are probably not going to get due to the market drop and/or the bank's ineptitude. I get what you're trying to say, but perhaps "sold" is the wrong word here if that is the case. And if that is the case, wording it that way takes away from the letter's credibility.

[jukeboxhero]

I did about $3700 with this product this month on terrible copy, so i'm pretty amped to see what i can do now that you guys have helped me out....

woo, woo

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by jukeboxhero

I did about $3700 with this product this month on terrible copy, so i'm pretty amped to see what i can do now that you guys have helped me out....

woo, woo

In that case I'm gonna charge you $5000. No, belay that...make it $15,000.

[Hugh Thyer]

That section with the photos of the houses and how much money you made with them...that should be at the TOP!

Imagine opening your letter with all that proof.

People want to make money on real estate so if you prove it straight up... BOOM. Instant credibility and you get their greed glands into overdrive.