If Anyone Can Spare the Time- I would really appreciate a critique

[axle]

Hi Guys

I have just finished working on updating a sales page for a long standing Clickbank product- I would really appreciate a critique please as although I have followed much of what I have been learning the last few months, I am sure it could be better.

Thank you so much in advance!

[sanjid112]

mmmm,
I've read your site and for me, your story about yourself was little bit too long and doesn't make me interested in reading any further. Can you make it shorter and more straight?

Well, the other stuff is great. You said it clearly and used effective persuasive sentences.

[axle]

Thank you so much for the above responses.

I have changed the headline and opening- I struggled with the opening paragraphs more than anything I think, and have just replaced it with a few sentences, in an attempt to shorten it.

I have also taken out some of the 'about me' story- I wanted to make it shorter still, but felt if it were any shorter the story would no longer be there...if indeed it needs a story?
The book and courses I have read recommend a story, but I am wondering how to make it more interesting.

I have shortened a few of the longest bullets and will work on those a bit more this evening- in the meantime any more comments are all gratefully received.

[Loren Woirhaye]

There is a big demand for weight-loss products - that's why
it is so competitive.

Your letter is a stinker though. I would recommend you hire
a pro or really study proven ads that sell the "lose weight"
appeal.

The persistent use of the pronoun "we" is a mistake. Make
it about "YOU" (the reader).

Your author picture should be facing inward towards the letter.

Everything above "And More Importantly- No Food is Forbidden! "
Struck me as dull. I just scanned it. Only below that subhead
do you start to tell about HOW IT WORKS, the mechanics of it...
and you make some "too good to be true" promises, which is
good copywriting in my book.... IF your product can back them
up.

It's not totally beyond help, but you really need to go hard on
yourself as a critic if you want to play in the weight loss market.

[Ross Bowring]

There are a lot of copy issues, but your photo...

Have someone take a shot of you looking into the camera, but so you are facing the text, so you lead the eye into your copy. Right now you look a bit stern and you are leading the eye away from the copy.

Hope this helps.

Ross

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

You only need one change to make this product sell.

You need a freakin' amazing before and after picture at the TOP of your sales page. Amazing. As in "look at my fat a@@ on the left, look at my sexy, sleek body in a bikini on the right."

Without that killer picture your sales letter won't do squat.

If you can't get a pic like that, then IMPLY it with stock photos of AFTER pics. Take a look at Stock Photo: Big Pants Skinny Woman (though it's not the best example.)

Killer before/after pics = lots of sales. No pic = little sales.

[axle]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

There is a big demand for weight-loss products - that's why
it is so competitive.

Your letter is a stinker though. I would recommend you hire
a pro or really study proven ads that sell the "lose weight"
appeal.

The persistent use of the pronoun "we" is a mistake. Make
it about "YOU" (the reader).

Your author picture should be facing inward towards the letter.

Everything above "And More Importantly- No Food is Forbidden! "
Struck me as dull. I just scanned it. Only below that subhead
do you start to tell about HOW IT WORKS, the mechanics of it...
and you make some "too good to be true" promises, which is
good copywriting in my book.... IF your product can back them
up.

It's not totally beyond help, but you really need to go hard on
yourself as a critic if you want to play in the weight loss market.

I created this with my aunt- I was moaning to her one day how I wanted to do online marketing but couldn't think where to start, and she suggested I sold the diet we had both lost weight with. She was the reflexologist although the name is an alias basically the rest of the story of how it came about is as happened.

This was in 2002- I made it into a PDF file and threw up a rudimentary site basically without a sales letter- it just said "This is good- Buy It", obviously a bit more than that but not much more!

The first 3 months it sold incredibly well, it was on the first page of Diet Products on CB for about a month. As more diet products came on, and sales dropped I just kind of forgot about it- updating now and then, and tweaking the salespage, but never trying very hard as I had other things going on by then.

It was extremely low-maintenance- very few refund requests or questions.

I have recently got into deep C*** due to losing my offline business and getting into debt and on the verge of losing my home- Hence the panic to get it going again.

If I were starting from scratch, with time on my hands I don't think I would be going into weight loss, but the product is there, and it is a good product, over the years the refund rate has been incredibly low- about 2.6%- and the latest version has the same info, plus more, so I have no reason to think the refund rate should go up too much.

I wish I could hire a pro- but it isn't an option, if it was I certainly wouldn't be trying myself!

Seeing as everyone seems to agree the opening paragraphs and picture (that's my aunt, and I don't have one of her looking unstern!) suck, I think I will just completely cut that chunk out- and see how that looks- it won't have a story but I guess no story is better than a boring story that will turn people away...problem is that is actually the true story- any other story would be made up.

Please anyone else if you have time...professional and amateuer comments very welcomed!

[axle]

Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter

You only need one change to make this product sell.

You need a freakin' amazing before and after picture at the TOP of your sales page. Amazing. As in "look at my fat a@@ on the left, look at my sexy, sleek body in a bikini on the right."

Without that killer picture your sales letter won't do squat.

If you can't get a pic like that, then IMPLY it with stock photos of AFTER pics. Take a look at Stock Photo: Big Pants Skinny Woman (though it's not the best example.)

Killer before/after pics = lots of sales. No pic = little sales.

Wow, that is a cool pic, though maybe not very believable!

I guess I can ask my ex (he's a big chap) for a lend of a pair of his jeans- get in them and photo shop it to the hilt

I will try- I don't know about the legalities of using pics that of people that haven't used the diet- all the ones I know that have are mostly middle aged folk who are happy with their results but not uber sexy

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

Originally Posted by axle

Wow, that is a cool pic, though maybe not very believable!

I guess I can ask my ex (he's a big chap) for a lend of a pair of his jeans- get in them and photo shop it to the hilt

I will try- I don't know about the legalities of using pics that of people that haven't used the diet- all the ones I know that have are mostly middle aged folk who are happy with their results but not uber sexy

I was not suggesting you say "this is what the diet did for me." Instead you simply want weight loss implying pictures. If you take a picture of yourself holding out your husband's jeans you are likely breaking the law.

This is probably closer to what I would think you should use:

Royalty free stock images | weight | iStockphoto.com

[axle]

Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter

I was not suggesting you say "this is what the diet did for me." Instead you simply want weight loss implying pictures. If you take a picture of yourself holding out your husband's jeans you are likely breaking the law.

This is probably closer to what I would think you should use:

Royalty free stock images | weight | iStockphoto.com

Thank you Kevin- I did not know that.

I am going to order a few pics now.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Just flip the picture of the aunt. Nobody will know the pic
is reversed.

Pictures of really attractive, slender people work well for
diet stuff. There's also the real big/less big before/after
pic approach for less slick products or those targeted at
people with a bigger weight problem and/or health concerns.

The skinny B!tch look would do well for a "get that bikini
body in 2 weeks" type of appeal for the girl who wants to
lose a few pounds and is basically healthy otherwise. With
heavier people the concern is safe weight loss and keeping
it off. Two different sides of the market, and few products
serve them both.

[axle]

I want to thank everyone for all your comments- they have all been very very helpful.

I am going to be away from the PC for 48hrs so will have a few days to see if the current look might convert at all.

And maybe I can think of some improvements while I am away- apart from the copywriting problem I have in that I am trying to do it myself I think it is a fine line when trying to sell a diet product in trying to promote it honestly, and hyping it up to get attention- but the products on CB without hype don't seem to sell.

I know of at least 2 excellent diet products on CB which are right down at the bottom of the ratings because the pages don't have skinny pics and the like on them.

Then there are some pretty dubious ones on the first 2 pages...

Again- Thank you everyone for taking the time to read the page and post me advice.