Much appreciated if you could provide much needed critique!!

smak · 10-15-2009, 07:51 PM

Hi all,

Much apperciated if I can get some good honest feedback as to potency of salesletter on this site:

Internet Millionaire System - Internet Millionaire System!

The bonus section needs a bit trimming so it is about 90% complete.]

But to you guys who know the fine art of Direct Response Copy, What do you think? Does it look persuasive and compelling OR it needs a little polish or lot of polish to get it to stage that it is high class.

Thanks in advance fro your critique. Before I hand it over to the graphics man to revamp the graphics anjd layout, I though best if I can get critique.

Smak

Intrepreneur · 10-15-2009, 08:08 PM

It's not effortless for change. I'm impressed with that (your honesty) but I don't think the headline is very compelling to an unkowing audience so if it's blind traffic I wouldn't be so sure it will convert.

It's the figures. Millions Versus $17,987k per month, that kind of thing.

Copy My Internet Millionaire System That Generates $42,987+ Per Month...Even If You've Never Made A Sale Online Before!"

Although if you've been building a relationship with your clients/soon to be clients then I suppose the headline will prove you good.

Though from my angle it's a page I would close in an instant unless I already knew and trusted you, even though I really do want to Discover an Internet Millionaire System I could put on steriods.

Then there's that massive claim followed by a feeble image of some sort of check/account.

Surely an Internet Millionaire would post picutres of his massive house, private plane or massive office block?

I also think if you want to get the best critique you need to state how the traffic is being directed to the page.

Best of Luck with Your Venture.

Mark

ghyphena · 10-16-2009, 04:28 AM

In my opinion, I would lose the Lamborghini asap. I swear, I've seen that damn cash-spurting Lambo so many times it means nothing to me by now. I'm certainly not in awe of it.

I'd move the "big box product" image further down the page - at least until you've had a chance to explain because at the moment I feel it's a touch overwhelming.

I would suggest you consider getting rid of the "success stories" of internet riches and instead launch right into what you can do for me and why I should believe you.

Strong, strong recommendation: get rid of the scored-through descending prices. I don't think many people really believe that it was offered for sale - or even was actually considered to be offered - at all those different price points. A short price-justification paragraph comparing the cost to some other expenses would be much more effective. (NB I didn't buy Microsoft Office. It came pre-installed on my PC. I don't know how many people do or do not go out and buy Office so I can't say whether it's a good example.)

"Lessons" imply work. And work is bad, even though you say success isn't overnight (good call, IMO). Changing it to "steps" as Mobosorous suggested, or even just videos / modules / sections might test better.

And, lastly, be wary of offering too many bonuses without explaining why they're all relevant. Bonus 3 especially has me a little confused because I don't even know what it is. (I know you said the section wasn't complete.) But still, the descriptions of the bonuses is inconsistent in length and format - did you, by any chance, get them from different sources and just use the copy they came with?

I know I didn't really go into a lot of detail about most of the actual copy... but still I hope my initial impressions are useful to you.

Good luck.

Actually, one more thing: careful with the earnings screenshot. The FTC's a-prowling

Gil-Ad

10-15-2009, 07:51 PM	#1
smak Internet Warrior! War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: London, United Kingdom. Posts: 263 Thanks: 69 Thanked 16 Times in 15 Posts	Much appreciated if you could provide much needed critique!! Hi all, Much apperciated if I can get some good honest feedback as to potency of salesletter on this site: Internet Millionaire System - Internet Millionaire System! The bonus section needs a bit trimming so it is about 90% complete.] But to you guys who know the fine art of Direct Response Copy, What do you think? Does it look persuasive and compelling OR it needs a little polish or lot of polish to get it to stage that it is high class. Thanks in advance fro your critique. Before I hand it over to the graphics man to revamp the graphics anjd layout, I though best if I can get critique. Smak

10-15-2009, 08:08 PM	#2
Intrepreneur I.C.Hope War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Northern Ireland Posts: 2,515 Thanks: 446 Thanked 227 Times in 181 Posts Contact Info	Re: Much appreciated if you could provide much needed critique!! It's not effortless for change. I'm impressed with that (your honesty) but I don't think the headline is very compelling to an unkowing audience so if it's blind traffic I wouldn't be so sure it will convert. It's the figures. Millions Versus $17,987k per month, that kind of thing. Copy My Internet Millionaire System That Generates $42,987+ Per Month...Even If You've Never Made A Sale Online Before!" Although if you've been building a relationship with your clients/soon to be clients then I suppose the headline will prove you good. Though from my angle it's a page I would close in an instant unless I already knew and trusted you, even though I really do want to Discover an Internet Millionaire System I could put on steriods. Then there's that massive claim followed by a feeble image of some sort of check/account. Surely an Internet Millionaire would post picutres of his massive house, private plane or massive office block? I also think if you want to get the best critique you need to state how the traffic is being directed to the page. Best of Luck with Your Venture. Mark
	I want a good keyword researcher, not for min sites but for tech articles. Hit me up if you've got those skillz!

10-16-2009, 04:28 AM	#3
ghyphena HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Oxford, UK Posts: 170 Blog Entries: 9 Thanks: 16 Thanked 60 Times in 38 Posts Contact Info	Re: Much appreciated if you could provide much needed critique!! In my opinion, I would lose the Lamborghini asap. I swear, I've seen that damn cash-spurting Lambo so many times it means nothing to me by now. I'm certainly not in awe of it. I'd move the "big box product" image further down the page - at least until you've had a chance to explain because at the moment I feel it's a touch overwhelming. I would suggest you consider getting rid of the "success stories" of internet riches and instead launch right into what you can do for me and why I should believe you. Strong, strong recommendation: get rid of the scored-through descending prices. I don't think many people really believe that it was offered for sale - or even was actually considered to be offered - at all those different price points. A short price-justification paragraph comparing the cost to some other expenses would be much more effective. (NB I didn't buy Microsoft Office. It came pre-installed on my PC. I don't know how many people do or do not go out and buy Office so I can't say whether it's a good example.) "Lessons" imply work. And work is bad, even though you say success isn't overnight (good call, IMO). Changing it to "steps" as Mobosorous suggested, or even just videos / modules / sections might test better. And, lastly, be wary of offering too many bonuses without explaining why they're all relevant. Bonus 3 especially has me a little confused because I don't even know what it is. (I know you said the section wasn't complete.) But still, the descriptions of the bonuses is inconsistent in length and format - did you, by any chance, get them from different sources and just use the copy they came with? I know I didn't really go into a lot of detail about most of the actual copy... but still I hope my initial impressions are useful to you. Good luck. Actually, one more thing: careful with the earnings screenshot. The FTC's a-prowling Gil-Ad
	Gil-Ad Schwartz