Can I have some feedback on my copy

[parkerli]

Hi everyone, I am somewhat new to this and I am in the stock market niche. I recently wrote this email to my list and was wondering what you all thought. I can take const criticism well, so please have at it. Here it goes:

Hi (name),

As I write this, more and more IPOs are announcing terms and are planning their debuts. Over the past two weeks, I have seen filings come down from some incredibly large companies such as Dole Brands, the fresh produce company, 2 Chinese backed ADR IPOs, a mineral mining company, a Chinese electric motor company, Frozen food co, Birds Eye, Vitamin Shoppe, National Beef and a Baltic drybulk Shipping company.

Not only have the filings come in at record pace but the quality of these companies are hardly speculative. These are proven money makers and in the public markets, they should fly.

I am very excited about this latest round of IPOs set for debut as the potential for them is incredible, not to mention the demand is growing by the minute.

In speaking with a lot of you, you've expressed the desire for us to offer a quarterly option for IPO reports instead of a pay-per IPO report. I realize this can be quite expensive in the long run, so I decided to offer you a promotional deal because you are a reader of or have been a subscriber of mine.

The quarterly option typically goes for $375 per quarter but because you are a subscriber or have been one in the past you won't be paying anywhere near this...

I am going to offer a one time promotional offer which will cover unlimited IPO reports for as long as you are a member and I'm offering this to you at $99 per quarter!!

This offer is a one time deal and will never be offered again from us and because of the price, we're only taking 25 subscribers. After this, the price will go back to $375 and will most likely never be available again.

Because of the demand and price of this IPO quarterly option, I am expecting it to sell out within just a few hours so I encourage you to strike quickly if you're interested.

If you're interested, please follow this link to our "Count Me In" section of the website where all you have to do is "RSVP" and we'll invoice you at a later date. AOL users, please copy and paste the following:



Have a great day.

Tim Fields
Editor In Chief
The Upper Class Investor
________________________________________________
Thanks for having a look at this, I really appreciate it!

[zeekstern]

Pretty good except for:

"I am going to offer a one time promotional offer which will cover unlimited IPO reports for as long as you are a member and I'm offering this to you at $99 per quarter!!

This offer is a one time deal and will never be offered again from us and because of the price, we're only taking 25 subscribers. After this, the price will go back to $375 and will most likely never be available again.

Because of the demand and price of this IPO quarterly option, I am expecting it to sell out within just a few hours so I encourage you to strike quickly if you're interested."

The "urgencey" part sounds a little too urgent. Tone it down a little. And the "sell out in a few hours" needs to go. Not everyone reads email everyday, etc. You are closing the opportunity on me if it took me a day or two to read the email. Maybe reword it so that you can still say you expect it to sell out in a few days, and after that we can't offer it anymore etc. Visit/click here to see if this offer is still available. I didn't say it too well, but hopefully you get the idea)

Good luck,
zeek

[parkerli]

Thank you Zeek, I appreciate the feedback

[travlinguy]

I think that overall the letter is good. You might make it more compelling by mentioning two or three recent successful IPOs. Tell the readers what the opening price was, the high of the day, etc.

That sort of gives them a taste of what they'll get with the subscription as well as what they'll be missing if they don't subscribe. Good luck!

[EaglePiServ]

It sounds very formal to me. Not like you're writing to me, personally. I think if you make it a little more personal, it will read better. Like,

Hello (name)

"Have you seen what the IPO market has been doing lately? I'd pretty much left it for dead, but the recent IPO success of Dole, {etc} have made me sit bolt upright in my seat. Look at what Bird's Eye has done - {stats, returns, %, etc}!! Looks like Captain Bird's Eye has been catching more cash than cod!! (name)- have we been asleep at the wheel here?"


Rather than give the one time deal in the email, I'd take them to a deal of the century, and then try the OTO.

How is your list segmented? Buyers? tire kickers?

It's a good letter, but it seems a little dry in terms of getting people excited.

I'm not in your niche, but I get tons of email and direct mail related to the stock and financial niche. I steal ideas for my sales letters, lol. But the pieces that get my attention are the ones that say, "did you see X do y% last month". Those are the ones that catch my attention and make me say, "Sheesh, these guys made money at it, if I'd only known...."

Draw them into your story by relaying facts they already know - such as the huge IPOs of yesteryear. This they can relate to. Just about everyone I knew back then was asking for insider information on when a company would go public. Even today, the term "going public" generates great interest in even those people who know nothing about the stock market. Which brings me to the story aspect. You don't really tell one.

Also, you need to answer the question of who you are, unless your subscribers/reader know you very well. Just because I subscribe to a forex newsletter doesn't mean I'm going to listen to what the author has to say. As travlinguy says, results, graphs, facts will get people read on to see what your secret sauce is.

You could try to separate the deal in two - one great deal for subscribers (your monthly bread and low-cal spread) and another for the "readers" with a ridiculously low barrier to entry if they become subscribers in the process. This Kern et all and their "$1 to play, $97/month to stay".

Also, I'd not try to sell the subscription in the email, if it were me. If your call to action is to "click here for more info" then work on getting them to click to your site. There you can use all kinds of nice graphics and details and long sales pitches to promote your deal.

Also, (sorry) you could use a real testimonial or three in there. How about quoting some of those people who "expressed the desire for us to offer a quarterly option for IPO reports ". If any of them have been successful, use their testimonials.

You don't state whether you're starting out, or whether you have many subscribers, etc so some of my points might be off kilter.

Hope I'm not too critical. I'm just throwing out ideas.

Cheers.

P.S. Remember - AIDA.

[parkerli]

Thank you Eagle. That was very helpful. I am new to this and I am just learning the ways.. Haven't made very many sales at this point, seems as if I have a small handful of "buyers" and a whole bunch of readers.

My list is only 75 at this point, trying to build using ezine. I think at this point, I have like 28 articles live and a low conversion rate, so something needs to change.

Thanks again

[Ross Bowring]

You'll find this blog post by Clayton Makepeace useful.

He's critiquing a financial promo. You'll definitely get some useful take-aways from it.

Just spitballin’ here… | The Total Package

Hope this helps,

Ross

[colmodwyer]

Yeah, I agree about it being "dry."

I think you have a sexy idea, especially with these food companies (China, India demand etc).

You just don't hit on the opportunity hard enough.

And what about some proof from your track-record? Or even examples that prove strong private companies make for strong public companies?

With what you have now, you'll certainly find it hard to sell out 25 spots with a list of 75.

Colm

[AnnaVZ]

Hi Tim,
A great effort but I found it a little flat. I have no doubt that you're "very excited" but personally I'd rather be "really" excited. I personally really like reading copy that makes me feel like you are talking just to me and that the offer is something very special for me (particularly if you are trying to get money out of my pocket!). Try looking at your copy again and thinking about how you would say all of this to your best friend/s. You will probably get a more upbeat version of your copy if you try reading it out aloud a few times too.
Good Luck
AnnaVZ

[Anita Ashland]

Tim, do you receive the Money and Markets e-newsletter? I recommend studying the Martin Weiss pieces in particular. Take a look at this one. He has a conversational tone at the beginning and end and presents the facts in the middle in a concise way. I recommend a similar approach for your emails.

[EaglePiServ]

Actually, the URL is

Bernanke gone berserk! Bank reserves explode! | Money and Markets: Free Investment Email Newsletter

[parkerli]

Hey Ross, sure did help. Thanks

[Hugh Thyer]

Far easier to give you the link than the advice bit by bit.

Its a letter written by Gary Halbert.

One of the key things is the structure. The other is the PROOF.

Your email should start by providing example after example of IPOs that went nuts soon after their launch. This is in place of the paragraph where you just list the companies.

Then when they're all excited you can offer people the report with the IPOs in it so they can get a jump start.

http://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/...th%20Table.pdf

[David Babineau]

Hi there,

Just a quick note...

The first thing I see is a big paragraph right off the start, which might be intimidating to some of your readers.

Quick fix - Keep 1st sentence as is and put rest of paragraph as a new 2nd.

Hope this helps,
David

[Dainis]

"...quality of these companies are hardly speculative."

quality IS hardly speculative.

...even speculative is a bit off in my mind...

Do you have any testimonials? Social proof would help a lot.

[parkerli]

Yes, I have a bunch of testimonials from past and current subs- I could use some of them to juice this up. Looking at this now...wow. You guys really are really helping me out.

[parkerli]

Hugh& David, great points