Please Checkout my Ad Copy for Local Direct Mailer

[skorpion]

My partner owns a stand alone direct mail peice in the form of a coupon book that does very well in our area for restaurants and service type businesses. Response rate is like 1-3% avg and in some cases businesses get 10-12% response rate (coupon redemtion).

He's giving me front page exposure on his next mailing that goes out next week. Ive decide to use the two coupons I get to promote my offline internet marketing/web design business AND my 'How to make money online membership site" (low cost @ $10 /mo)

So I will be trying to hit two audiences with one ad (biz owners, and 'normal' people who are just looking to earn some extra cash and may be curious about having their own business.

The first mailing will hit 15,000 homes and we'll hit another 27,000 in the next mailing in 30 days. So I want to get this ad copy right.

Here it is (coupons will be on back of ad). Please let me know what you think. Ad size approx 3x5

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Good old PIM, always works.

Ad on the right could be tightened up,
with a very clearly defined benefit.

Something that will inspire action,
that is, to make the connection to
your business.

[skorpion]

Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

Good old PIM, always works.

Ad on the right could be tightened up,
with a very clearly defined benefit.

Something that will inspire action,
that is, to make the connection to
your business.

Please excuse my ignorance but, what is PIM?

Ad on right: A benefit as in having more money for the holidays?

Thanks a lot. I appreciate your reply.

[Paul McQuillan]

I feel trying to do a two in one ad will not be effective. I cannot
tell that one side is business and one side is something else.

At first glance I would read the left side headline and toss it
if I did not own a business. Target one or the other.

I would get rid of the "regular people" and add more descriptive
copy about what it is you can do to help me (and why)

You can do a lot more persuading with more room. Right now there
is not really any copywriting to critique.

hope that helps

[Dean Dhuli]

Like Paul said, I too would not target two sets of prospects
with the same ad.

And then, the ad should be focussed more on "what" than
on "how".

At this point, the main function of the ad is just to get
the reader to view the website or send back the coupon.

How you do it can be revealed in the subsequent stages
of your marketing.

In fact, you could evoke curiosity by not revealing the how part,
and telling them that you disclose how on your website
or when they mail the coupon.


Hope that helps,

Dean.


[

[cerava]

The two headlines can be misleading. When I first read it, I thought it was actually part of the same sentence seeparated by a logo!

Perhaps you can be more specific on the business owners side. By size, or industry, or tech experience. From the list, I see features, not benefits. And from experience, I doubt most business owners knows what these offerings can do for them. Perhaps a small one-line description after each explaining how?

Example: Premium Graphic Design (have your website reflect your business' brand).

If you decide to expand on the 'Regular people', I find that label being too broad. Can you specify your market more? A headline along the lines of: "Does Online Trading Tech Talk put you off? Learn in simple English how you can benefit from this latest craze!!!"

Hope this helps, Skorpion.


Best regards,

Aldric

[skorpion]

Thanks guys. I talked to my friend and I am going to do two separate ads. One on th front cover and one on the back of his book.

Im finishing up the ads right now based on your replys. Not sure if Ill have time to re upload as these need to get emailed like yesterday to go to the print shop!

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Originally Posted by skorpion

Please excuse my ignorance but, what is PIM?

A term coined in the late 1980's -
Promotional Incentive Marketing (PIM).

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Best regards.


Mark Andrews...

[skorpion]

well I just sent the ads out. For what its worth, here is what I came up with:

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Looking good.

Here is personally wishing you
the very best of luck with it!

Best regards.


Mark Andrews...

[Cherilyn Woodhouse]

I'm glad you decided to go with two separate ads... IMHO, as a business owner, seeing that "Be your own boss" stuff instantly loses ALL of your credibility with me - it'd be filed in the "round bin" right away.

Why? It gives me the impression that YOU learned this stuff from some "make millions in your undies" late night TV guy, which means you probably don't have a bleeding clue what my business needs to succeed.

So good call.

With the new ads, a few points...

1. Your checkmarks are backwards, and obviously done in MS paint. I'm a very visual person, so this is a credibility issue for me - if you can't afford professional graphics, why should I trust you with my business?

2. The first bullet doesn't read right on the business ad... I would have chosen something more like "Custom Websites : Stop chasing customers... Let THEM find YOU!" - much more benefit oriented, and it reads much better.

3. I don't get the girl thing... Why is she there? Is that you? Not all business owners are male, and heres an inside tip - even if the business owner is male, he might have a wife.

If he IS married, 90% chance she has some say in the business. Would YOUR wife hire a business service from a flier with some hot chick on it? Would she say something along the lines of "Well I know what attracted you to THEIR ad..."? Exactly. Relevant images are one of the key aspects of advertising like this. Miss the images, and potentially miss your market altogether...

Plus, your logo is clearly photoshopped onto her breasts - so its not even a hot chick you KNOW. LOL

Other than that... The color scheme doesn't catch me, but that's up to testing now I suppose. Looks pretty good - I wish you the best of luck with it!

- Cherilyn

[skorpion]

Originally Posted by Cherilyn Woodhouse

I'm glad you decided to go with two separate ads... IMHO, as a business owner, seeing that "Be your own boss" stuff instantly loses ALL of your credibility with me - it'd be filed in the "round bin" right away.

Why? It gives me the impression that YOU learned this stuff from some "make millions in your undies" late night TV guy, which means you probably don't have a bleeding clue what my business needs to succeed.

So good call.

This comment makes no sense to me. First you say the be your own boss part is not good...then you say good call. Are you being sarcastic?

Originally Posted by Cherilyn Woodhouse

With the new ads, a few points...

1. Your checkmarks are backwards, and obviously done in MS paint. I'm a very visual person, so this is a credibility issue for me - if you can't afford professional graphics, why should I trust you with my business?

Nope. All done in photoshop. Just late night/early morning adventures with the PS paint brush tool.

Originally Posted by Cherilyn Woodhouse

2. The first bullet doesn't read right on the business ad... I would have chosen something more like "Custom Websites : Stop chasing customers... Let THEM find YOU!" - much more benefit oriented, and it reads much better.

I like this, thanks.

Originally Posted by Cherilyn Woodhouse

3. I don't get the girl thing... Why is she there? Is that you? Not all business owners are male, and heres an inside tip - even if the business owner is male, he might have a wife.

If he IS married, 90% chance she has some say in the business. Would YOUR wife hire a business service from a flier with some hot chick on it? Would she say something along the lines of "Well I know what attracted you to THEIR ad..."? Exactly. Relevant images are one of the key aspects of advertising like this. Miss the images, and potentially miss your market altogether...

Plus, your logo is clearly photoshopped onto her breasts - so its not even a hot chick you KNOW. LOL

Other than that... The color scheme doesn't catch me, but that's up to testing now I suppose. Looks pretty good - I wish you the best of luck with it!

- Cherilyn

Sex sells. Ask godaddy lmao. 99% of my customers are male business owners. I see what you are saying though.

[Paul McQuillan]

Sex does sell, sometimes.

Personally I don't think that image is doing you any favors.

Response will be the final judge.

[skorpion]

Thanks for all your comments guys and gals. We'll see what happens with the response rate. I kind of designed these on a last minute whim at 4am so whatever we have here is just 'what came to me'.

Ive got another mailing going out to two times the amount of homes in a few weeks so I may try some different ads...

As far as the girl...I was going for the godaddy look. Not sure why, just felt right.

Thanks!

[Cherilyn Woodhouse]

Originally Posted by skorpion

This comment makes no sense to me. First you say the be your own boss part is not good...then you say good call. Are you being sarcastic?

No sarcasm - I was saying that the FIRST ad that had them side by side, I wouldn't have (as a business owner) responded to the first ad for credibility reasons with the "be your own boss" stuff right there. I meant good call on separating them

[skorpion]

Originally Posted by Cherilyn Woodhouse

No sarcasm - I was saying that the FIRST ad that had them side by side, I wouldn't have (as a business owner) responded to the first ad for credibility reasons with the "be your own boss" stuff right there. I meant good call on separating them

oh OK, thanks!