Thanks for reading

[teu]

If you'd be so kind,

I have taken up interest in copywriting, and would like to share something.

Alright, so I do not have any training specific to copywriting. I write adds with myself in mind, rather than the ambiguous concept of "the consumer" that many seem to scratch their head over. I am a consumer, so I found a hair loss website with a typical "adrenaline-induced!!!" format on the web, and changed it to something I would see myself buying. I figure that is a good place to start, and with your patience, make changes with your advice.

As for these adrenaline-induced pages--I don't like them. I have never bought anything from them. I run from them. Perhaps your own visitors do too.

You can preview the original letter by Googling "stop hairloss now rick carlton" (sorry I don't have permissions to post links yet).

Then, my (significant and unashamedly unorthodox) alteration, included as an attached pdf.

Thank you for giving it a look. Is there potential, or has this spring groundhog seen his shadow?

[MikeHumphreys]

Rick,

Welcome to the Warrior Forum!

Seeing that viruses can be accidently or intentionally buried into a PDF or Word document, many copywriters won't open them on an open forum like this one.

It's always better to let us see it online rather than needing to use Acrobat or Word to open an attachment. After all, you're asking us to give you free advice that should make you more money by better conversion rates.

I did a Google search and this is the website URL I found. If that's not the correct one, then post it in your reply. Just type it out like 1-hair-loss DOT net or whatever it might be.

Here's the link I found for your salesletter.

-Stop Hair Loss Now!

Take care,

Mike

[EaglePiServ]

OK - I didn't see a testimonial anywhere on that page. The Hair Club for Men ad on TV is nothing more that a string of testimonials so that tells me that testimonials sell in that market as that particular commercial has been running for many years.

Better yet - video testimonials. You show a guy with balding hair at the top. How about a picture of him after he tries your methods?

There's a trend away from long-haul sales letters towards videos that show upfront the results you can achieve. That's assuming of course, your methods actually do produce results.

You say you've been 'in their shoes'. Then maybe you have some before/after shots of yourself you could show?

Cheers.

[teu]

I'm not the author of the sales letter on the website. Like I said, I found the letter on the web and altered it. What you can find on the web is the original, by whoever "Rick" is.

Since I am not the author, I don't know anything about the product beyond what is shared on the original letter. To that, I would only be interested in comments as to the writing content, if you care to take a look.

This might start discussion about the expected sales letter style. Like I mentioned, I don't much care for the usual bold, red, highlighted, italicized everywhere sort of thing. I wonder about your thoughts on that.

I did use the graphics displayed on the original letter, but I imagine you get the idea. In place of the PDF, I'll just post my text below, and those who are interested can compare it to the original letter at the address posted kindly above.

---------------------------------

So you're at a loss.

Scientific research has made significant discoveries for those of us with hair loss. Today, every hair that falls from our head might have been spared. These scientific findings are not a secret anymore. This book will teach you how.

Discover the science behind hair loss, and how you can promote hair growth immediately.

Learn about grooming habits that damages hair, and common myths that might have you fooled. Read about hairstyles that work against the biology of your scalp. Discover natural ways to nourish your hair, and learn a simple recipe for making your very own supply of hair-strengthening cream. Read about useful supplements in aiding hair growth, as well as a dangerous vitamin that may be killing your hair.

You will learn about two popular drugs on the market, Rogaine(r) and Propencia(r), if they work, and their possible side effects. Learn the secret about Propencia(r) and its connection with the anti-depressant drug, “Proscar.”

Discover how “testosterone” and “androgens” effect the rate of hair loss. Learn about the biological link between prostate health and the health of your hair, and how to keep your prostate healthy. Discover the link between a healthy colon and your hair. Read about what foods to eat, and what foods will quicken the pace of a balding head.

The book will share all this, and more, “Stop Hair Loss Now!” by Rick Carlton.

If you do not see a stop in hair loss within 60 days, we insist on returning your money, and you can keep the book as our way of saying, “Thanks for giving us a try.”

Reclaim your scalp. All the information you need is in “Stop Hair Loss Now!” by Rick Carlton. Yours for only $24.97, with our guaranteed 60 day risk-free trial. How does it feel to be only a click away from restoring your thinning hair?

[Add to cart]

[lenlatimer]

Hi,
And welcome to the forum.

Generally the copy is pretty good. Lot of good bullet points - but they need to be developed with more details. Formatting could be greatly improved - I particularly dislike the overuse of yellow highlighting. And with no testimonials the sales letter is badly incomplete. Also it's somewhat misleading since it promises FREE in the beginning and then asks for $24.97 in the end. Thus it's only free if you don't like - that's a turnoff. I thought at first that this was a free list building offer to later sell another product, so I was disappointed.

[teu]

*smacks forehead*

People, I am not asking for feedback on the website. It is not mine.

I of course appreciate your offering to help, but your time is wasted if you didn't read my post.

So, again:

I want to start copywriting.

I am new.

I have no material.

I found a generic hair-loss site with a sales letter.

I used the information in the sales letter to write my own letter.

I have included it in my previous post, starting with the headline "So you're at a loss."

If you would be so kind, please compare this with the original sales letter, and offer your generous critique to my version.

Thank you for your time.

[MikeHumphreys]

Originally Posted by teu

*smacks forehead*

People, I am not asking for feedback on the website. It is not mine.

I of course appreciate your offering to help, but your time is wasted if you didn't read my post.

So, again:

I want to start copywriting.

I am new.

I have no material.

I found a generic hair-loss site with a sales letter.

I used the information in the sales letter to write my own letter.

I have included it in my previous post, starting with the headline "So you're at a loss."

If you would be so kind, please compare this with the original sales letter, and offer your generous critique to my version.

Thank you for your time.

Hi Teu,

Let me offer you some no b.s. advice. You say you are brand new at copywriting. So start with studying how to write good to very good sales copy. This thread will give you a lot of solid recommendations on what to study.

Top Copywriting Books... Ever

In terms of the sales copy, the "Rick" sales letter is not a strong piece. If you don't have the copy chops already down, then you're not going to know what needs to be rewritten (or replaced) and what is fine as-is.

Study salesletters that are PROVEN winners. Don't guess at what was a successful piece.

Now... you are asking professional copywriters who charge thousands of dollars for their expertise for free advice. There is a limit to how much or how far any busy copywriter is willing to do for free, especially one as busy as me.

Asking us to compare your sales copy attempt to the original doesn't cut it.

Either the copy we are looking at is good or it needs to be reworked. That's it. It's not comparing one letter to another... it's about what needs to be inside a sales letter that is going to convert better for our paying clients.

There's a very small amount of work I will do for free. Paying clients... sure, I'll do more if the project dictates it. But not for free advice-seekers. Working for free does not put food on the table for my family or pay my mortgage.

If you want people to crit what you've written, that's fine. Put it up online as a webpage or list the text like you did. Don't ask anyone to look at the Rick letter if it's not yours... unless you hire them to do a professional critique. Then they will be happy to do a full-blown critique for you.

Again, if you're asking people who charge a lot of money for their professional expertise to give you free advice, then don't make it harder for them... or they will quietly opt not to help you.

Best of luck,

Mike

[Scott Murdaugh]

Okay, I've got a minute to spare...

- It doesn't matter what you like or don't like. What matters is what's been tested and what people respond to. People use headlines and other triggers in copywriting because they work.

- You need to understand headlines. You need to sell the person on reading the rest of your ad. Your thread title (headline for this thread) is vague. Your headline on your copy is vague... Your headline gives no compelling reason to read the rest of your ad.

- You need to understand cadence, rhythm and the "slippery slide" that Joe Sugarman talks about... The first line of your copy is designed to get them to the next line. The second to get them to the third, and so on for about the first 1/4 (generally, not a hard and fast rule)... You generally want to start with a short sentence that elicits curiosity.

Scientific research has made significant discoveries for those of us with hair loss.

Long and a little clunky... Also a little awkward to read.

Learn about grooming habits that damages hair, and common myths that might have you fooled. Read about hairstyles that work against the biology of your scalp. Discover natural ways to nourish your hair, and learn a simple recipe for making your very own supply of hair-strengthening cream. Read about useful supplements in aiding hair growth, as well as a dangerous vitamin that may be killing your hair.

No one wants to learn or read about anything... And we're targeting bald people, correct? Why would they care about hairstyles or grooming or vitamins that can damage hair? The damage has been done.

You will learn about two popular drugs on the market, Rogaine(r) and Propencia(r), if they work, and their possible side effects. Learn the secret about Propencia(r) and its connection with the anti-depressant drug, “Proscar.”

Why am I going to pay you for information on these drugs when I can get them for free? Why Do I care about Propencia's connection to "Proscar"? I don't. If there's a reason I should, tell me.

I didn't read the original letter, just what you posted.

And to be blunt, right now, no, that wouldn't sell. That doesn't mean you can't learn.

I see new copywriters all of the time thinking they can "reinvent the wheel"... Good copy goes far beyond hype and bolded text... And most sales letters you'll see online aren't good copy.

If this is what you want to do, visit the sticky thread up top and start reading.

Good luck.

-Scott

P.S. If you dedicate yourself you can learn A LOT in a relatively short period of time. And I wish I had time to give a more detailed reply, but I don't. Good luck.