Finally new sales page done... your review please

[edpudol1973]

Finally my new sales page have been completed, by fellow warrior... I want to hear your comment about my new sales page....

Lexorsoft.net - Link Building Services - Outsourcing Solution

Thanks
Ed

[EaglePiServ]

The top three headlines seem repetitive/redundant to me. You could accomplish the same point with just one complete powerful headline.

I'm also not so keen on you not saying upfront what it is you're offering. You have to scroll down quite a bit before you know what you're dealing with.

Also, your pricing scheme seems complicated. Others in your field use packages (24 directories in 24 hours for $X). Your .4 and .2 pricing scheme lost me after the first couple of rows in that long table.

Just my opinion - hopefully it will be successful for you!

Cheers.

[edpudol1973]

Thanks for the comment, regarding pricing, we only charging one time pay per month because this is subscription. Those number .2 .4 and others are credit corresponding to each task

[Paul McQuillan]

I guess I would want to clarify that a direct response copywriter
did not write this.

Where do I start... at the top I guess. That headline is very, very generic.
I like to call those the 20 second headline as it took 20 seconds to
think up.... and it stinks

What is it with the subheads that mention Lexorsoft? That is not what
subheads are for. Subheads are speed bumps for scrollers. They are meant
to be meaningful bookmarks to get readers to stop and read.

I see a superlative- "LexorSoft is the Number 1 highest quality solution provider to this problem"

Even most new copywriters know better than that.

No signature by Ed, it just ends

The P.S.(s) is as bad if not worse than the headline catastrophe.

I realize by seeing this you paid very little to someone who has very
little skill (sorry fellow Warrior). That is the chance you take.

This letter will cost you more in sales than you would spend on a better
copywriter.

I would toss it entirely and start new with a more seasoned copywriter.

Surely you were hoping for optimistic replies, but it really is that bad.


Paul

[edmltw]

I'd comment a little on the organization.

There's no doubt I can see that you are trying to offer a service of great value.

However, all your good content are wasted with the lack of organization. You listed down the technicalities of your program way too early within the sales letter. And the initial copy weren't good enough for me to have a "pre-sold" mentality. The level of "pre-sell" is simply not enough for me to be interested and to find out more about your program.

Change that first before I comment even more.

Edmund

[lenlatimer]

Hi edpudol1973,
I think Paul was right on. The only purpose of the headline is to grab attention and get them to read the next paragaph. Yours needs to be greatly improved else most prospects won't get past that point.

There is plenty of good ideas in it to another rewrite or another copywriter started.

Another objection you need to overcome, is people tend to hire PA's based on trust and relationships - they've interviewed and reviewed a person's work prior to hiring. Your service, which I'm sure is great, comes off as a bit faceless and impersonal. You need to either talk a great deal more about the talent and experience of you staff, or make a case of how your on talent and experience is used to select the right person for each job.

Good Luck!

[Gerardas Norkus]

Originally Posted by uspcopywriter

hi there. I wrote this beginning of a sales letter during the second half of the usc-osu game. I'm trying this new idea of writing straight for 2 hours while watching TV everyday, and the stopping exactly at the 2 hour mark. Here's what I came up with. If you like it, please use it. If you hate it, kindly let me know why. Enjoy. Adam.

Adam, your copy is much better than Ed's Lexorsoft sales letter...

Ed your headline is poor. Your "Jonson's Box" is terrible when it says:

"I Would Love to Have This Instantly!"

Would you like to replace the word "This" with a biggest benefit of your service?

Adding some bonuses should increase the conversions too.

Hopefully, this helps.

[edpudol1973]

Hey Adam,

Thank you very much for your input I will review it..

[ronakshah]

Ed,

I am shocked to know you paid for that sales letter....

Whatever you paid for the sales letter isn't really worth it. You just paid for something that actually does not persuade an individual to "skim" through your sales letter and hit the "Add to cart" button.

I'd say Adam's sales letter is 6X more powerful than the one you've right there. Adam's actually got some knucklehead though I think it can still be improvised. Adam's a gem.

And look.. I can re-write the salesletter for you and BETTER it until a few re-knowned fellow warrior copywriters approve it.. But I've my own terms. PM me for details if you really want to improvise it.

Remember the "headline" is the most important part of the sales letter. Your headline must always describe your compelling offer in the best possible manner - It's called your compelling offer's "Unique Selling Point". Presentation of the sales letter is very very important.

The most important part of your sales letter is to draw attention to the end result attained from outsourcing work to you: Time to spend with their family, time to take a vacation, stress free life & lots of money $$$$$ in the bank.

Here's a blog posts I've written to make you realize "How To Write A Kick-Ass Sales Letter" - http://webcopywritersblog.com/10-ste...-sales-letter/

Read it. Tell me what do you think about it. Everyone is invited to comment on the blog post. Not sure whether I can post the content of my blog posts here so I think it'll be better for all of you to just read it and enjoy!

Feel free to let me know your comments.

[James Clark]

Hey,

I find it a little hard to believe that a copywriter on the Warrior forum authored this sales letter, but you never know. The tone and the language has to be correct. Below is two types of sales letter. The first one is when you are talking to someone working from home.

First Website Builder


The second one is more laid back and corporate:

Software training online-tutorials for Adobe, Microsoft, Apple & more


Check them out.


Jimmy.