New Sales Page... Critique Please

[Gerardas Norkus]

Hi,

Although English is not my native language, I love writing...

Thank you for your critique of my new sales page:

Paid Email Business Kit

Gerardas

[travlinguy]

Okay...
The first word in your offer is "Closed!" I understand that scarcity is designed to build desire but I think you've taken it too far. Scarcity is one thing, unavailability is crazy. There are millions of money making offers available online. Why would I even bother reading beyond the first few lines of a pretty long page if the offer isn't available? I think it's also a stretch to ask people for their email to opt-in to a list just to find out what you MIGHT have at sometime in the future?

If your product was known in the marketplace and perceived as valuable this offer could have merit. Same if you were well known. But unless you have unlimited resources to drive targeted traffic to your page, I'd suggest you make a serious effort to get the sale while the visitor is there.

Even if they do opt in to be notified when more product is available doesn't mean they'll still have interest or even remember what your offer was by the time you are ready. Lots of people opt into offers with a throwaway email account and won’t even see your stuff again. Another thing, there are a lot of opinions out there about trying to get people to opt ino a list from a sales page. I believe that it’s not such a good idea. It simply gives the prospect a reason to ‘think about it.’

In my experience a page should have a single purpose, to sell or to build a list. There’s an old saying, chase two rabbits and lose them both. If you want to capture email addresses, you can have a FREE UNADVERTISED BONUS OFFER page that comes up after they’ve bought your stuff or include one at the time of sale, but leave the opt-in box off the sales page.

Also, it looks like the stuff you're offering is all digital. How does digital stuff sell out? Not everyone (newbies) will pick up on that but I think it's a bit of an insult to thinking people to claim a digital download has somehow been sold out unless you offer a legitimate reason. Maybe you're adding new and valuable content, or getting the graphics re-done or whatever. For this to be credible you need to have a good reason your kit isn't available now.

Bottom line, in the vast majority of cases you're only going to have one chance to close your prospect, I wouldn't waste that chance. Good luck.

[Gerardas Norkus]

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Okay...
The first word in your offer is "Closed!"

Thank you for your thoughts.

Of course, the "Closed!" optin will be removed when I'm done with my sales page.

The optin is temporarily here. I would like more thoughts on the whole sales page please.

Thanks.

[travlinguy]

"Of course, the "Closed!" optin will be removed when I'm done with my sales page."

Would have been nice if you mentioned that up front!

[Loren Woirhaye]

Your product idea is not bad at all. Your headline is
ineffective though.

The way you've expressed your core ideas have them
buried in the body of the letter. Most people will
see the headline, which looks like the same old
generic hype, and move on without considering
your offer.

I think this kind of stuff "Frankly I'm fed up about..."
is an indulgence of online marketers who don't have
to pay for printing. Admittedly, I write some verbose
copy myself, but as Shakespeare wrote "The lady
doth protest too much" - which means if you tell
all about what a good, ethical person you are and
about how you go to church on Sundays you'll lose
people who will become suspicious of a guy working
so hard to convince them he's honest.

Never in Robert Collier's "reason why" letters have
I seen anything about a... um... ethical reason for
making the offer. That's because the reader of
your letter knows you are in business to take his
money; he doesn't begrudge you that; but he
will resent transparent efforts to gain his favor
by any means other than selling him what he
wants. In this case, it's money for himself, so
your motives are not too important to him.

When you start to make your letter more about "YOU"
(the prospect) you'll find some of the extraneous
persuasion tricks fall away as irrelevant.

[Alex Cohen]

Gerardas,

The very first word "Warning" is incongruent with your message. You're not telling the reader to watch out for or avoid anything.

And the headline fails the believability test. A "100% Guaranteed Way To Live A Worry-Free Life"? People won't believe that.

Alex

[The Copy Nazi]

"As seen on CNBC, CNN, FoxNews, Small Business Opportunities, CBS News, Readers Digest" and maybe Federal Trade Commission soon unless you can substantiate those claims.

[Gerardas Norkus]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

"As seen on CNBC, CNN, FoxNews, Small Business Opportunities, CBS News, Readers Digest" and maybe Federal Trade Commission soon unless you can substantiate those claims.

This note is great. Thanks.

[Gerardas Norkus]

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

The very first word "Warning" is incongruent with your message. You're not telling the reader to watch out for or avoid anything.

And the headline fails the believability test. A "100% Guaranteed Way To Live A Worry-Free Life"? People won't believe that.

Alex

Alex, great notes. Thank you!

[Gerardas Norkus]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

Your product idea is not bad at all. Your headline is
ineffective though...

Great post. Thank you!