Please Critique My Sales Page

[Craigd]

Hi Everyone,

I am a Newbie and I just did my 1st sales page and would really like some feedback.

Here is the site: Debt Settlement 4 Idiots

The site has been up for 3 days and I dont have a list so there are not any testimonials. So I can only tell my story of how it all worked for me, etc.

If you want to give me some tips on getting Affiliates too that would be great. Its through paypal.

But let me know what you guys think and some pointers.. I'm sure it could be better.

Thanks a lot for the help in here it is super appreciated!

[edmltw]

Here is Just a Small Taste of What you Will Discover Inside…

Why did you highlight everything? It hurts my eyes, and hence it will hurt others too.

There seem to be a problem somewhere.. I can't really locate it with my present level of copy writing..

Maybe a more experienced copy writer can help you out. Good luck!

Regards,
Ed

[Jon Steel]

I see a whole lot of question marks in diamonds. I don't know what that means, but that will definitely steal a bit of your credibility in the eyes of your customers.

js

[ghyphena]

Hi Craig,

There are a couple of issues here, some cosmetic and some more related to the copy itself.

I'll start with the cosmetic and strategy-related ones:

1. Like edmltw said, why did you highlight the entire bullet section? When you emphasize everything, you emphasize nothing. Remember that highlighting is used to make a certain phrase or idea stand out... it certainly doesn't make the whole thing easier to read. I suggest you cut down - massively - and use it only when you want a well-selected phrase to leap out.

2. The same goes for the italics in the "my story" section. There really is no need for that.

3. Try to reformat your headline so there's one coherent idea per line.

4. For fluffle's sake, lose the crossed-out prices. You can use these prices as examples of what your competitors charge (if its true)... but please don't represent that your book was for sale at these prices because nobody will believe you.

Onwards, to the copy:

5. I'd consider switching around the "Let me ask you this:..." section with the "About me" section. That way you're starting off the letter talking about your prospect's problems, not about yourself.

6. Who are you and why should anyone believe you? Your story about being laid off, etc. takes the prospect down into the depths of despair... but doesn't really follow the arc back out into debt-freedom in a coherent manner. You sort of leave it hanging by basically saying "fast forward: this method worked for me and now you should give me money".

Maybe if you expand the section and talk a bit more about how you developed the method - did you draw on your own experience of the debt management industry? Did you take advantage of industry contacts who gave you insider info? If what you say about yourself in the letter is true you could have a hell of a USP, but you need to lay it out.

7. More believability issues - do you have testimonials? You certainly mention that your method has worked for "countless others"... can you offer up any social proof? I think it could help. You say you don't have a list but what about debt-management forums, etc. Surely you could find someplace to give your book away in exchange for a review.

8. After donning sunglasses and looking through the bullet points, I think that some content-based specificity could go a long way to flip sales here. You cover all the benefits of being debt-free, but there's not much info about what's inside the book.

By the way, "avoid a 7 yr bankruptcy on your credit report" is not what I'm talking about here (and please, spell out the word "year" in full. It looks more professional).

I'm talking about delicious little curiosity-provoking nuggets of info... like (hypothetically):

"A 9-word sentence you can say to your creditors that eliminates all hostility from your interactions... and makes the negotiation process smooth from the get-go"

"How professional hired-gun negotiators use 'reverse psychology' to give themselves the upper hand in any situation - even when they have a weak bargaining position"

A list of well-written bullets could make all the difference to your conversion rate. I recommend you study John Carlton's bullets here for ideas:

OHP Direct - Golf Instructional - Golf School - Golf Training - Golf Teachers - Golf Tips - Lower Scores -
TRS Direct - Self Defense - Personal Protection - Martial Arts - Street Fighting - Spec Ops - Delta Force - SEAL Team - SWAT Cops

or hire a copywriter.

9. Talk more about your bonuses. Pretend they're products you're selling as standalones. Give benefits, bullets etc. The custom letter templates? I barely noticed them on my first read but for someone seeking help with debt it might be a big selling point. Don't skimp on the bonus copy. It could be what sells your book.

10. Offering a 30-day guarantee is NOT "not skimping on the guarantee"... in fact, it's less than the timeframe for a chargeback... it's the very *definition* of skimping on a guarantee. Offer 60, 90, 180, 365 days. Or get rid of the self-indulgent "I'm so generous" section. 30 days ain't a lot. Even Clickbank offers more than that.

11. I understand that you want to invoke scarcity, but sticking the reader with the line "once the 100th copy leaves the shelf this discounted price will not exist" is not the way to do it. I think you'll get much better results if you

(a) give a strong reason why you're limiting the discount to the first X copies (HINT: maybe it's because you want *testimonials* )
(b) don't let your prospects feel you're b.s.-ing them - even internet-illiterates can probably understand that you don't have a limited stock of your downloadable e-book.

Hope this helps. Good luck with the site.

Gil-Ad

[Craigd]

Is everyone seeing the question mark in Diamonds? I dont see that in my browser(Firefox).
Also does anyone see a problem with the 4 "Idiots" name? Does it have a negative connotation to anyone? Of course, it is certainly not meant to be like that, just used to express the simplicity of the book and process. And I was thinking of the 4dummies and other 4 idiots books

All of these points are great and VERY helpful. there is really a lot to writing copy, especially being a newbie.

Thanks very much, it is really appreciated

[lionpuncher]

I have nothing constructive to add but found ghyphena's critique extremely helpful.

[Craigd]

does anyone see a problem with the 4 "Idiots" name?

[Ronak Shah]

Originally Posted by Craigd

does anyone see a problem with the 4 "Idiots" name?

Yes, I do. Certainly.

It's about self-esteem. I think you must get a great domain name that people feel attracted to.

Have a domain name that explains what you offer distinctively. It's an advantage to have a unique domain name that precisely explains everything what you offer to your target customers.

Not everyone behaves the same way as you or I do. Make things lighter for people to accept in an instant. Make it attractive.

[Craigd]

Thanks ronak point taken. I guess debt settlement has to do with a more sensitive issue and is not as light as grow taller, or fat loss.

Some people dont have a problem with it, but I guess it just comes down to whether you want to take a chance of alienating certain buyers.

[Ronak Shah]

Well, I'd rather target folks who would be always ready to buy a product like your's rather than target those who would keep researching on whether they must buy your product.

I have worked for JP Morgan Chase Credit Collections process before. I have heard people live on calls as I had to collect money from them. I was working in an inbound call center before. I know the buckets system and know the ins & outs. It drives people mad and they reach a point where they need help from a credit consolidation agency. Many folks go for a settlement when they can't repay the money. You have a big market. I know this very well now.

Believe me, I would only focus on those buyers who have a deep driving desire rather than people who aren't sure whether they wish to buy your product. Greed & Instant gratification does not succeed anyway in any form of life.

You make the most sales from people who are sure of buying your product rather than from folks who really are skeptical of buying your product. Having a great sales offer & a great sales strategy does the trick. It makes people lower their skepticism and understand the true meaning behind your offer. It helps you scale to a new level.

The copywriter is like a painter who paints a picture in front of the person reading it making them feel "convinced" that you as the owner of the product are helping them out and not there to just sell stuff to them. It's called credibility.

I find your sales letter interesting to work with.

[Alexa Smith]

I can contribute nothing sensible or helpful here at all ... expect, perhaps, the observation that Gil-Ad, above, has given you one of the best, most appropriate and most useful copy critiques I've ever seen here. Good luck!

[Mtkent]

The 1st thing I noticed is there seems to be 2 different fonts used. it seems to change right after "You could pay thousands of dollars" Im not sure what font you used in the letter prior to that but It doesn't work very weel. I would try verdana maybe for most of the letter. Also I would Bold type the Bullets and bring them in more like it usually does when you use bullets. They just dont stand out much the way they are. The hightlighting is way too much at the end. You should use bold type ar maybe a different color like red or blue and bullet them as well. Just use about 5 or so of the best and leave it at that. Sometimes I will use the comment "And So Much More..." after a few high points to let them wonder. Another thing you should do is give a small description of the benefit of each bonus. Why they need this. And to be honest I think the price is too low. At least 27. I would try 57 and see how it works. and then work backwards. I think would sell better. You are kind of deflating the value with the price. Hope this helps. Good luck.

[1960Texan]

Read Gil-Ad's post again, it's like a free college course in sales copy.

[David Babineau]

Hi Craig,

A lot of great points have been made already, especially by Gil-Ad.

Again, you have way, way too much highlighting!

Besides that, a few minor things...

- The first quotation mark in front of your headline is not the same size as the one at the end of the headline

- I find there are too many quotation marks at the beginning, making it distracting to read.

- Not sure if this was covered already, but you should FLAG your readers - who is this for? "Are you drowning in debt" --> Who is "you"? E.g. ATTENTION debt-riddled single moms from Ohio, discover...

- The straight lines between your product components breaks the reading flow, which you definitely don't want...


And as previously mentioned... give away your product for free in exchange for a testimonial(s).

Cheers, Hope this helps,
Dave

[Susan Stones]

I haven't had time to read the text fully, and since others have done that already I won't at this stage.

Visually not much stands out to me. The header and next lines are OK, but from the About Me section its just a lot of text, all the same large font. You need to put in some variety, and means by which people scanning the page can get information. Use sub-heads. Use variety in the text width, font size, add some graphics. When you get down to the images of the product things are much better, less text, nore white space, heading etc.

On the topic of graphics, based on what others have said in this thread I realise there may be some I am not seeing, using Firefox. So above comments may well be changed if I get to see the whole page. Make sure your page can be read by the major web browsers not just internet explorer.

I suggest adding a video of you telling your story, so people can watch that instead of reading acres of text. It will establish a lot more credibility than the text.

*Name - 4 Idiots*
I don't like it. I don't like that in the title of a book, and am inclined not to buy them as a result. The title leaves it up to me to interpret the insult and turn it into some sort of useful message, which I am not inclined to do that! Using a number rather than the word makes the meaning of the title even more obscure.

Clearly other people do buy them though. BUT that is a hard copy book, it is on the shelves in physical bookshops, which creates credibility, and they already have a name for themselves. And they started using that concept in an area where the emotion was completely different.

I suggest that you use the concept you are trying convey without the insult, e.g.

Debt Settlement Made Easy
Debt Settlement Simplified
Debt Settlement For Everyone

[Justin Mandel]

It seems like you got some really good advice and I did not go through all of the posts (and perhaps this was mentioned) but maybe you should research and see if the "For Idiots". Phrase is a registered trademark in which case you are infringing on someone elses intellectual property?

I am on a BB now so I cannot tell what your actual URL is...

Best of Luck!

[ghyphena]

Originally Posted by Susan Stones

I suggest that you use the concept you are trying convey without the insult, e.g.

Debt Settlement Made Easy
Debt Settlement Simplified
Debt Settlement For Everyone

I like these titles, especially the first two. Gary Bencivenga suggests in his material that you incorporate a benefit into the product name itself... so easy, simple etc. coupled with "Debt Management" could be a good non-insulting combination.

Originally Posted by Alexa Smith

I can contribute nothing sensible or helpful here at all ... expect, perhaps, the observation that Gil-Ad, above, has given you one of the best, most appropriate and most useful copy critiques I've ever seen here. Good luck!

Originally Posted by 1960Texan

Read Gil-Ad's post again, it's like a free college course in sales copy.

Thanks guys. Very kind of you to say

[RentItNow]

I think it's good copy-wise.

Design-wise you need help.

I would be interested as affiliate if you put it into clickbank.

Btw, I think the price is a bit too low. You should build a list using some customer magnets (free info) while continuing to sell.

Give me a message when you go affiliate.

[Craigd]

Thanks to everyone for all the great comments. Ita has really helped a lot and has been reallr appreciated...I have already started to make the changes suggested, starting with the name. Many of the the other names were taken for URL's but I did happen to find DebtSettlement2Easy

[Craigd]

Originally Posted by RentItNow

I think it's good copy-wise.

Design-wise you need help.

I would be interested as affiliate if you put it into clickbank.

Btw, I think the price is a bit too low. You should build a list using some customer magnets (free info) while continuing to sell.

Give me a message when you go affiliate.

By design you mean the page design or product images?