Updated Headlines, Need Input Please!!!

[MikeDeiure]

Hello All,

A couple weeks ago I posted a thread to have some people review my sales page. I got a lot of great input and realized that I needed to go back to the drawing board.

I have two variations of headlines with different sub heads.

Here is version 1: http://www.thelaunchsnipermethod.com/index.html

Here is verions 2: http://www.thelaunchsnipermethod.com/indexb.html

I would certainly love any input on the sales copy, but my main concern is the headlines.

If you interested in reading the sales copy, I have also created a shorter letter to test out here: ttp://www.thelaunchsnipermethod.com/indexc.html

Any input on any of these headlines and sales pages would be awesome and much appreciated.

I would be happy to hook up anyone who responds with a free account to gain access to the whole program.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Mike Deiure

P.S. The launch of this program is going to be happening on Tuesday, November 10th for any of you that are interested in promoting it. Here's the JV invite page: The Launch Sniper Method Affiliate Tools

[travlinguy]

The subheaders in both are way too long. The second sub has the word your and it should be you're. You use the word show in both headlines, try reveal instead. It's proven to pull better.

Overall they're pretty bland. There's no real grabber in either. Again, the subs are both very wordy and not compelling at all. I'd say you also need to at least give the reader a clue to what you've got either in the header or sub. So add vague to the list of things to fix. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but... that's my take. Good luck!

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Both of the headlines are very weak,
reading those didn't grab my attention
in the slightest.

Btw the guys face at the start of the video,
is rather at odds with your face at the
top of the page.

At the top of the page you look successful,
on the video, your face looks like, well, how
to put this politely? Like a wasp has just
stung you on the ass.

You might want to adjust that expression.

[annalaurabrown]

Quite frankly not only are they weak but I'm already skeptical before I even read the rest of the letter. As an experienced internet marketer I find it difficult to believe that your product will really create that much money that quickly or that it is really that easy. I just know better. Also remember the new FTC rules and I doubt you can legally claim that.

[Revolves]

I'm a copywriting newbie. But from what I see, your headline is hardly specific. Tested and Proven? How? How do you define something that's tested and proven? Why is it proven?

My little advice is be specific in your headlines. Maybe you'll come up with a wonderful one.

Regards,
Revolves

[ryanmberg]

Hey Mike,

I think you really need to work on your hook and overall offer. What makes your product unique and different from all the other make money online stuff? What makes you and your story unique?

If there *isn't* anything unique (which is doubtful... there's usually something if you really dig) than you need to at least focus on the aspects of your program that your audience cares about most. Proof is a huge thing in this market... don't save it for later in the letter if you have it. What makes it so easy to use for a newbie? What common frustrations does it help people overcome extremely well? Be specific about all this stuff.

What kind of offer would people just not be able to refuse? Maybe a $1 trial? Maybe a highly valuable - truly limited - bonus? These are things that can turn a bland headline into a killer one..... because it's not so much about the headline as the offer the headline is trying to draw people into. If your offer sucks, then even the most crafty headline is going to have a tough time selling people on reading more.

I would also change the font to Tahoma, Arial, or Impact.... the times looking font you have it in now is hard to read.

Ryan