Sales Letter Review !

[cima]

Hi There,

I'm just about to launch my forex product. I'm 17 and english isn't my native language as I'm French... Nevertheless, I made my best and tried to write a decent sales page.

Would you please give me your thoughts about it ?

UltimateForexTradingMethod

Thanks !!

Cheers, Samuel.

[Ross Bowring]

Samuel,

You've obviously put significant time and energy into this.

What you need is a copywriter to go through your entire letter and fix the clunky English. I can see it hampering conversions in a big way.

Don't know if you have a budget for this, but perhaps you could elicit some offers if you ask for PM's.

[travlinguy]

Don't take this the wrong way but I would leave the stuff about being a 17 year old out. It just may be you’re a Forex wizard at 17 but most people familiar with trading of any kind feel that the skills necessary for real success come with lots of experience and lots of time spent in the market. Even if you started at 10 you would still be green behind the ears in the eyes of many of your potentials.

I read a little and agree with Ross that much of the copy is awkward. You also have some formatting issues. For example, it's wise to justify your bullets to the left, not on center. You also have tables that are to the left where they should be centered. There are pictures of you as well. But I don’t see the point of them.

If you had the Eiffel Tower in the background while you’re tapping out winning trades on your laptop that would be one thing. I understand that you’re looking at image-building with the pics but it isn’t working and will hurt you in the long haul.

All of these things chip away at your credibility. You may have the best info out there but you're going to have to get your sales page in shape to build credibility and gain respect before anyone is going to click on that buy button.

To your credit the basic site layout and graphics are very good. I realize you didn’t want to hear this, but better you do before you launch. I do think this thing can work for you but you still have major adjustments to make. Good Luck!

[cima]

It is a bit disappointing but I think this is the only way for me to sell more than 2 copies in 30 years !!!!

Thanks by the way for the things I didn't want to hear, it's the only way for me to get a bit better...

The only thing I don't really understand is how I am going to do in order not to talk about my age ??

Would you have any suggestions for me to find someone to help me with the sales letter ? I mean, as you can see, I'm not experimented enough to write something decent so having somebody to help me there would be wonderful.

Thanks again !! Samuel !

PS : travlinguy, thank you very much for the advices, I made the changes !

[travlinguy]

cima...
Don't feel badly. I have a huge amount of respect for you and the effort you put into this. When I was your age I was often in a self-induced coma so your iniative and determination are inspiring. I wish I'd gotten the jump on life that you have.

I'm sure you'll be getting PMs with offers to help you. When that happens be sure you ask for proof that the copywriter has written stuff that sells, lots of proof. Once again, good luck and go the distance.

[cima]

Ohh don't worry travlinguy, there's no problem !! Your advices are really helpful ! I'm here to improve myself !

Cheers.

[eBizSuccessCoach]

Ross and Travelinguy has gave you some good advice. Ross told you to hire a copywriter which is a good idea. Try guru.com or elance.com to see if you can't hire a copywriter that is within your budget. If you are going at this alone, then yes you need to reformate your sales copy as the travelinguy has told you correctly. Also, I was never a big fan of the two tone headlines (red and black).

Stick with one color (red or blue) as those two colors convert the best. Also you pre-headline does not flow into your main headline. And your sub headlines within your body copy should flow as if I were reading the letter itself. What I mean is this, your sub headlines along with your bold phrases should tell your story on a hypnotic level.

Your product comes with an ebook and videos but you have an ebook image that represents your videos. I would have video images such as a dvd case or something like that.

I admire your willingness at such a young age to be self reliant. Keep up the good work!

[cima]

Hi There,

thank you very much for your answer, that's really kind to have taken some time for my sales letter !

I'm just about to hire someone to rewrite the sales letter so I'll get back to you soon with the new version, and you'll let me know what you think !

Concerning the title, thanks for the advice, I'm going to make the change.

Concerning the videos, I've put the ebook cover instead of the dvd cover because my designer hasn't sent me the graphic yet.

Thanks once again !

Cheers, Samuel.

PS : your thoughts are really helpful !

[Alexa Smith]

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

What you need is a copywriter to go through your entire letter and fix the clunky English.

I agree 100%. You absolutely definitely need this. It's essential.

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Don't take this the wrong way but I would leave the stuff about being a 17 year old out.

I agree 100%. You absolutely definitely need to do this. It's essential.

I think you've done a great job here for someone whose first language isn't English. The re-writing and editing you need isn't a huge job, and it doesn't need to be a terribly expensive job, but you really do need it. I also think this can work well for you, but you do need changes. (Just to avoid any possible ambiguity/suspicion, I apologise for not volunteering but I'm not available at the moment and this isn't my reason for posting at all. I just wanted to endorse what's been said above and say "well done" here, and wish you well).

[Paul McQuillan]

I feel in this situation the age thing is not good to mention

[cima]

Thanks again, for all your replies !

Just one little thing... I'm currently receiving few offers from different copywriters and some are telling me I did a good job and only few things need to be tweaked and others say I did a good job but we need to change everything.

So before deciding anything, I would like to know your thoughts about that because right now I don't really know what to do !

Thanks again.

Cheers, Samuel.

[Hugh Thyer]

I think it needs a tidy up to fix up a few notable things.

But to take it to the next step it DOES need a complete overhaul.

A couple of suggestions from me...
1. Get a better photo! It doesn't suggest wealth. Try a smiling photo in a suit instead.
2. Work on the story you're telling. You need to convince people that you've uncovered the secret
3. More proof. And keep it simple. Not focussing on technical charts unless you can show the $$$.

Go check out a letter written by Gary Halbert about Paul Sarnoff and his son Steve. That probably puts what those telling you it requires a complete rewrite into context.

Hugh

[sanjid112]

Originally Posted by cima

Thanks again, for all your replies !

Just one little thing... I'm currently receiving few offers from different copywriters and some are telling me I did a good job and only few things need to be tweaked and others say I did a good job but we need to change everything.

So before deciding anything, I would like to know your thoughts about that because right now I don't really know what to do !

Thanks again.

Cheers, Samuel.

Asked them for a sample of their sales page writing. Then you can see and compare. Ask them to tell you what exactly they will do. This means how they will fix it for you. Also plan your budget wisely. Try to give the offers to members in this forum, first. Since, I know there are a lot of great copywriters in WF.

About your sales page, Q-A section, for Q sections, changed the color, please? Just use black, but in bold or italic, that would be fine. The rest, just read other comments.

You're lucky find this forum while still in young age.

-Malik