First Press Release - Would love some feedback =)

[SimonTurner]

Hi Guys,

We're finally ready to ramp up the marketing for WorkoutBOX by pushing out some press releases. Having read this excellent article on how to write them, I've given it a go and drafted the below release.

Since we're all quite new to this, it would be great to have some feedback to confirm were on the right track. Thanks again

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DON'T WAIT TILL NEW YEARS
Kick-start your new exercise plan now to get in shape before the holiday season

How many of us rush to join the gym after spending Christmas holidays eating and drinking far more than normal? Instead of waiting until the festivities are over and you’re back into your tedious 9 – 5, start your new fitness regimen now and get in shape for Christmas.

Here’s the problem - so many people treat a trip to the gym as a quick-fix after festive binge eating and drinking, making it much harder to achieve their weight loss goals. Enthusiasm quickly fades once they realize they can’t change everything overnight. In reality they should be looking ahead, starting a healthy-eating and exercise plan to make permanent changes to their lifestyle - not just for a few weeks after Christmas.

According to WorkoutBOX fitness expert Paul Johnson, starting your new fitness regimen before the New Year will not only help ease the post Christmas dinner guilt, but will also give you a massive head start - meaning you’ll get in shape faster.

“A lot can be achieved in two months. With the right workout you can shed those pounds before you even put them on.”

Johnson also added. “A regular exercise program can significantly increase the body’s metabolism, meaning you burn many more calories without even trying – which means eating those extra-large portions at Christmas will have less of an effect on your weight. A good exercise program should be balanced and should include a variation of training techniques to ensure that your body keeps adapting.”

So don’t give up after Christmas. Make it your New Year’s resolution to continue the good work and start making positive changes for life.

WorkoutBOX.com offers professionally designed workouts with step-by-step video instructions, combined with personalized support from an expert fitness team.

[dbishop]

Simon, this looks good! I would say that DON'T WAIT TILL NEW YEARS should be DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEW YEAR - other than that, good job!

[SimonTurner]

Ah yeah, ofcourse, no idea how that got through !

Thanks again for your help.

[SuzanneR]

That's an ad--not a press release in my opinion.

A press release traditionally has a news angle with the hope that news media will pick it up and turn it into a full blown story.

I do realize that its use--especially online--has expanded beyond that.

But the style and format has pretty much stayed the same. You need a newsy headline...and a relevant piece of news in the copy.

Real quotes are optimum.

I've written press releases for clients (coming from a journalist background it was pretty natural)--and the first thing I'd try to ascertain is whether there's a news story there--and not an ad in disguise.

If there's no news angle, I turn it down.

Now...I've said all that with the realization that the online world has turned things upside down. But I'm pretty sure a press release still needs to be a piece of relevant news.

[Collette]

First - congrats on even thinking about using a press release. It's an underused tool for driving traffic, and it's nice to see someone thinking about doing something other than the same-ol-same-old.

And it's a solid first attempt.

Having said that - I think you can improve it.

Press releases need many of the same elements that sales letters do, if you're going to use them effectively for marketing. For example, try to get a story or benefit in your headline to attract interest.

In addition, a press release should answer the quesions: What, Who, Where, Why, and When (not necessarily in that order)

Also ask:

- What's the point of this piece? What do I want people to do?
Answer: (presumably) go to the website.

- What am I offering as a reward for doing this?
Answer: right now - nada. You need to give them a reason for clicking thru. Offer something - "A 15-min Fat Blasting Workout", "How to Keep The Pounds Off - And Still Eat All Your Holiday Favorites!", "Delicious, Guilt-Free Holiday Recipes"... that sort of thing - as an incentive. Give your readers a reason to want to go to your web site.

- What's in it for me (the reader)?
Answer: See above, PLUS, give them a "Joe-just-like-me" story. You can open with something like,

Love the Holidays But Hate the Pounds?

"Angela Carter loves the holidays - the smell of fresh pine boughs, the screams of joy on Christmas morning, the mell of roasted chestnuts in the winter air. But most of all, Angela Carter loves holiday food.

Which is exactly why, a couple of weeks ago, Carter visited Workbox.com, an online fitness store, and purchased a pair of barbells.

"I know I always gain weight during the holidays," Carter explains. "So I decided to get a jump on my New Year's Resolution to lose the extra weight, by not gaining it in the first place. Workbox barbells burns calories so efficiently, all I have to do is place them in the kitchen while I'm cooking the turkey, and I find I stay slim and tender."

It's an idea more and more consumers are finding attractive.

WorkoutBOX fitness expert Paul Johnson, says, "We've seen a remarkable surge in the number of people coming to our website to download our free holiday tipsheet. And it seems that more people recognize that fit bodies burn more calories, because most of our visitors purchase one of our fitness programs or some equipment."

Experts agree. In fact research shows that, ounce for ounce, lean muscle burns more calories than fat. So it makes sense that Carter's regimen has kept her slim and trim. Even her husband noticed, and has joined her morning workouts.

WorkoutBox's tip sheets are available as a free download on their website at: www. Blah.com along with a full selection of fitness equipment by Nautilus and Cybex.

For more information call 1-800-555-1212, or visit www. blah.com

[janet444]

Suzanne is right, a press release needs to read like a news article. It should be written in the third person. The writing itself is good, but it needs to be written like an article.

Collette's version is great. Notice that it's written in the third person. And it has more of a point to it, something for the reader to latch on to.

Not everyone can write in an easy, engaging style. You did a great job with that. But do be careful with press releases. They're tricky because you're writing it as an objective news article, yet your real goal is to promote yourself. But that's why they're so great - they come across as objective, and, if done right, lack the b.s. that is far too common in marketing.

Best of luck!

Janet Beatrice

[SimonTurner]

Thanks so much for your feedback guys, its been so much help considering none of us really have any experience as copywriters.

Collette's press release was great but had a slightly different message than what we were aiming with our first draft. So for now, we've decided to stick with our original and do separate "Love the holidays but hate the pounds" release later.

We loved Collete's suggestion to offer them a free workout from the site and we've updated the press release to include that. We've also changed the heading and made a few other tweaks.

Below's the new version, thanks so much to everyone that's helped out. If anyone would like some of our professionally designed premium workouts your more than welcome to them for free

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GET FIT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND MAKE TWICE THE PROGRESS
Kick-start your new exercise plan now and burn off those festive calories before you’ve even put them on.

How many of us rush to join the gym after spending Christmas holidays eating and drinking far more than normal? Instead of waiting until the festivities are over why not kill two birds with one stone and start your new fitness regimen today? That way you’ll make twice the progress. You’ll be in great shape and feel fantastic in time for all the Christmas parties and have far less work to do after the holiday trying to shift all those extra pounds.

Here’s the problem - so many people treat a trip to the gym as a quick-fix after festive binge eating and drinking, making it much harder to achieve their weight loss goals. Enthusiasm quickly fades once they realize they can’t change everything overnight. In reality they should be looking ahead, starting a healthy-eating and exercise plan to make permanent changes to their lifestyle - not just for a few weeks after Christmas.

According to WorkoutBOX fitness expert Paul Johnson, starting your new fitness regimen before the New Year will not only help ease the post Christmas dinner guilt, but will also give you a massive head start - meaning you’ll get in shape faster.

“A lot can be achieved in two months. With the right workout you can shed those pounds before you’ve even put them on.”

Johnson also added. “A regular exercise program can significantly increase the body’s metabolism, meaning you burn many more calories without even trying – which means eating those extra-large portions at Christmas will have less of an effect on your weight. At WorkoutBOX we specialise in creating short but effective workouts that are ideal for burning extra fat in the run up to the New Year. Our ‘Christmas Cracker Fat Blaster’ workout uses no gym equipment and is specifically designed to shed fat. You can do this workout anytime any place. It only takes 20 minutes, so there’s no excuses.”

So don’t give up after Christmas. Make it your New Year’s resolution to continue the good work and start making positive changes for life.

WorkoutBOX.com offers professionally designed workouts with step-by-step video instructions, combined with personalized support from an expert fitness team.

[marciayudkin]

Simon,

You've received some excellent advice, but your new version doesn't solve the problems in the old version.

Take a look at actual news stories and actual press releases to see how a story needs to be presented journalistically.

Your new headline is still very sales-y. Your new first paragraph does not contain the WHO - WHAT - WHEN - WHERE - WHY that it needs to have.

You might find this sample press release makeover of mine educational:
http://www.pressreleasehelp.com/sampleprm.htm

I've trained dozens of people in how to write press releases. One Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter commented that even though she'd seen hundreds or maybe thousands of releases in her career, it was hard to get the elements in the right place and with the right emphasis and tone the first time she tried to write a release.

You write well - but this is not written as a newsworthy press release... yet.

Good luck,
Marcia Yudkin

[Justin Mandel]

Your second version is markedly improved from the first one, but you are still not getting the idea of writing in the 3rd person

Also your subject line needs improvement as well.

You really should read through many press releases to get a good idea for how exactly to write them.

Otherwise the last poster had the right idea about the 5 W's which you need to incorporate to get it down right.

Best of Luck!

[erinwrites]

How many of us rush to join the gym after spending Christmas holidays eating and drinking far more than normal? Instead of waiting until the festivities are over why not kill two birds with one stone and start your new fitness regimen today? That way you’ll make twice the progress. You’ll be in great shape and feel fantastic in time for all the Christmas parties and have far less work to do after the holiday trying to shift all those extra pounds.

What about something like this for an introductory paragraph? WorkoutBox wants to help people worry less about weight gain during the holidays! Every January gyms all over the country are flooded with people rushing to lose the weight they've gained over the holidays. What most have failed to realize is that the only people who benefit from these frantic weeks of working out are the gym owners. Starting a workout regimen early is a great way to get in shape before the holidays set in. WorkoutBox wants to help people get in shape early so they can eat all they want during the holidays without having to worry about affording a brand new gym membership and the credit card bills they've amassed from holiday shopping.


This is just off the top of my head and hasn't been polished at all, but it gets across the same point you're trying to make while using third person and getting to the point of your offer sooner rather than later


I like to take a What-Why-How approach to my press releases and they've all done pretty well!

Good luck!

[SuzanneR]

I think part of the problem here is that the fitness center isn't offering anything new or different. You just want new membership and are capitalizing on holiday overeating guilt.

That's you and every other gym in the country banking on the same thing.

Something more fitting could be to bring up the rise of diabetes (which I'm sure is a growing issue in the UK as it is here in the US)--and offer a health for life regimen, complete with exercise classes, nutritionists etc.

That's just a speck of an idea there. It could be far more elaborate and of value to the clientele.

[SimonTurner]

I can't thank you all enough, your feedback has been so helpful, it really has. We've taken it all on board and gone back to the drawing board, coming up with the below article.

- Now i feel the headine explains the article truly. It could still be a bit salesy though, im not sure on this?
- first paragraph explains the What, When and Where.
- its also all in the 3rd person and never is the journalist seen to be giving an opinion.

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WORRIED ABOUT PUTTING WEIGHT ON OVER CHRISTMAS? GET FIT NOW AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO ACCORDING TO WORKOUTBOX

Studies show that on average people can gain up to 2 kg (4.4lbs) in the four-week Christmas period and that in January gyms all over the country are flooded with people rushing to lose the extra weight they've gained. At fitness website WorkoutBox, their aim is to help people get in shape before the holiday season, allowing them to relax and enjoy the Christmas food, safe in the knowledge they won’t put weight on.

According to WorkoutBOX fitness expert Paul Johnson “Unfortunately most people looking to get in shape in the New Year don’t realize that starting a fitness regimen in advance could have killed two birds with one stone. A lot can be achieved in over the next six weeks and with the right workout program you can ensure that the weight you lose doesn’t get put back on, plus you’ll look and feel great during all the festivities.”

Johnson also added. “A regular exercise program significantly increases the body’s metabolism, meaning you burn many more calories every day. So when you eat those extra-large portions at Christmas you will be far less likely to put weight on as now your body is burning more energy.”

WorkoutBOX specialise in creating short but effective workouts that are ideal for burning extra fat in the run up to the New Year. Their ‘Christmas Cracker Fat Blaster’ workout uses no gym equipment and is specifically designed to shed fat. It only takes 20 mins to do and can be done anywhere. Visit WorkoutBOX for more information.

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If you’d like more information about this topic, or to schedule an interview with Paul Johnson, please call Simon Turner on 020 8144 9539 or email pr@workoutbox.com

[Tom Turner]

Looks good - Written in third person would be better!