Sales Letter Review: Please check it out, Thanks!

[edmltw]

Hi professional copywriters,

I have just done up my first sales letter, and preferably, I would like your opinion first before my client start injecting traffic into it. This is my first time, so I hope you will be upfront about all the bads & goods about it. I wish to improve on my basic copy writing skills, and I'd appreciate your time taken to read my sales letter plus the effort to type up a post here. Thanks once again!

Regards,
Ed

Here's the Link: Click Here

[edmltw]

Any comments please?

[travlinguy]

Okay, I’ll start. The headline is weak, more specifically, it’s vague. You write, “An Opportunity Not To Be Missed…”

First, it’s in the passive voice. If you wanted to talk about opportunity you might say:

“You Won’t Want To Miss This!” Or, “You’ll Kick Yourself If You Let This One Get Away.” Both of my examples speak directly to the reader in the active voice. By the way, my examples are weak too, but they’re examples, not the real deal.

The rest of the headline is also in the passive voice. “Obtain Critical Information That Will Hurl You Into The Leagues Of The Upper Class Investors…” What does that mean?

Once again, you want to engage your reader right from the start so appeal directly do him. Try, “Discover Critical, Cutting Edge, Secrets Necessary To Your Very Survival In This Gonzo Market... Information That Will Transform You From a Wishy Washy Wannabe To The Equivalent Of An Investing Einstein… Blah, Blah..

Still not the real deal but getting closer. The point is, you’re looking for words that grab the reader’s attention, stuff they will relate to. Then you go on with a taste right up front of what you've got. Something like, Using my system, I was able to... (tell 'em what you were able to do) and before I was finished formulating the system, I had Warren Buffet desparately texting me six times a day wanting in on my secrets.

A little dramatic and totally untrue, but after you've got their attention with the headline you have to keep them engaged, so do it! Good luck.

[sanjid112]

Well, I get boring reading yours.

travlinguy is right. it is not grabbing enough. Do not used passive voice as headline.
what I think as a costumer would be,"Ok, thanks for the information. But, it is not what I looking for. Hmm, still can't see any benefit for me nor my company."

Modify your order button. Do not just use plain template from Paypal. It is too small, and not eye catching. So, your valuable costumer often missed it. Learn for other sales letter from WF members.

another thing, I do not see any significance of your text messages or email to dear valued members. Use some honest testimonial from your beta-tester of your product/services, that would be nice.

-Malik

[edmltw]

Trav,

Thanks for pointing that out! I had a strange feeling over me when most visitors have a short time span, I'd probably have to change the whole headline to a more powerful one..

Will think about it, thanks again!

Edmund

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Okay, I’ll start. The headline is weak, more specifically, it’s vague. You write, “An Opportunity Not To Be Missed…”

First, it’s in the passive voice. If you wanted to talk about opportunity you might say:

“You Won’t Want To Miss This!” Or, “You’ll Kick Yourself If You Let This One Get Away.” Both of my examples speak directly to the reader in the active voice. By the way, my examples are weak too, but they’re examples, not the real deal.

The rest of the headline is also in the passive voice. “Obtain Critical Information That Will Hurl You Into The Leagues Of The Upper Class Investors…” What does that mean?

Once again, you want to engage your reader right from the start so appeal directly do him. Try, “Discover Critical, Cutting Edge, Secrets Necessary To Your Very Survival In This Gonzo Market... Information That Will Transform You From a Wishy Washy Wannabe To The Equivalent Of An Investing Einstein… Blah, Blah..

Still not the real deal but getting closer. The point is, you’re looking for words that grab the reader’s attention, stuff they will relate to. Then you go on with a taste right up front of what you've got. Something like, Using my system, I was able to... (tell 'em what you were able to do) and before I was finished formulating the system, I had Warren Buffet desparately texting me six times a day wanting in on my secrets.

A little dramatic and totally untrue, but after you've got their attention with the headline you have to keep them engaged, so do it! Good luck.

[CourtneyJames]

A few ideas...

Your letter doesn't sound conversational enough for me. And the headline is pretty open. A foggy promise. Lack of proof.

I also found it hard to read. I was drifting off everywhere, but that might have to do with me not being an investor. lol

I know the advice is old... but pretend you're writing to a friend. I think you've done a lot of research here and you know what you're doing. Now the trick is to make it engaging. Tell a story and pull it all together.

Just ideas.

[bigchezmktg]

Also keep in mind that there are two different people who will be reading your sales letter.

One will only read the headline and subheads throughout your letter, skimming for something they can buy on impulse.

The others will read ever single word, looking for proof and reason enough to buy.

You've got to give both readers a powerful reason to hit the Buy it Now button.

(This is tried and true, but definitely applies here I'd start by sitting down and writing out the single, greatest thing you hope the customer can accomplish by buying your product. That's more often than not what your headline will turn out to be.

It's gotta be sexy. The market's whipsawing all over the place. Gold is going crazy. Oil is unpredictable. What will they get with your product that will help them make sense of it all?

Best of luck to you!

[lordcamon]

Well, it's just boring and I don't feel the credibility behind it. The example about rushing back from lunch so I can enjoy my steak is just too cheesy.

I know that's not going to happen and that's the vibe I get from reading those lines. I just don't buy it. I would be more curious to try the product if the copy was written by travlinguy. Even if I would find the sales pitch too cheesy, I'd sure want to know what's the deal from being an Investing Einstein.

Still a long to way to go.

[Ann Writes]

Hi, here's what I think:

The first thing that struck me about your letter is that it lacks PACE! It's wayyyyyyyyyyyy too slow!

It rambles and in fonts and format that are really more suited to an academic student than someone who wants to be 'hurled' into an exclusive league.

The quote by B C Forbes, while absolutely true, isn't exactly the kind of message that an eager prospect wants to hear/read even if they accept its truth. Why? Because although it conveys a message of reaping rewards, it also conveys the message of 'taking time'. Not the greatest motivator is it, especially in this age of instant gratification?

You want to excite and motivate your prospect first and that usually means overwhelming them with all the good stuff first, giving them neither chance nor desire to argue with what you're saying. And no, that's not deception, it's about timing. Everything told in its own good time.

As other Warriors here have said, the heading is vague and in the passive voice. It should be punchy and hit the target head on...unless you're wanting to use suspense as a way of drawing in your prospect, which I doubt you are

The language could be much sharper, less 'prosaic', less stilted.

There's more but I'm sure you've already got plenty to think about.

I hope you find this helpful and not hurtful, at least that's my intention.

Every good luck!

[myonlinebusinessteacher]

Your headline is too weak for my liking. Pls try to review the whole page.

[Lady_T]

Along with the headline, you need
to re-work the P.S. and put it after
your signature.

Remember people will typically look
at your headline and scroll to the bottom
looking for price.

Your P.S. should be a "call to action."
It should make me want to move.

The spacing and the type seems
off to me.

To make it more pleasing to the eye
consider putting your "investment
alerts" in boxes that makes them
stand out.

And finally, your sales letter
never told me what to do.

You gotta tell your readers
what you want them to do and
them make it super easy for them
to do it.

There was no "buy now" or
"order here" or "click here now"
button. You need to make it
clear what action you want
the reader to take.

Hope this helps...

[eddane]

I suggest using numbered bullets to put across points- 3 is the magic number!

Ed

[maximus242]

Okay lets start with the beginning. Your logo sucks, get it done professionally for $30 on rent a coder. They have some outstanding logo designers.

Your headline reeks of B.S.

You are going for a status appeal but your copy design looks like bargain basement. If you are going to go upper class, high end, wealthy/affluent appeal, THEN MAKE IT LOOK AFFLUENT.

Look at Donald Trumps website, it reeks of wealth and power. Your ad reeks of something someone chopped up in their basement.

Why does it say Promotion >> The Upper Class Investor. Dont tell them your going to try to sell them something so early on.

First line, also B.S. How is it meant for my eyes only? This isnt some special secret web link, this is a public page, your lying to me, now I dont trust you.

Next line, also B.S. detector goes WAY off. Who are you to say your going to turn me into Warren Buffet, why should I believe you? What kind of results have you got? If you know how to make money like Warren Buffet how come YOUR not a billionaire?

YOU ARE LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH IN THIS AD AND IT SHOWS

Your dealing with people who are very,very,very smart. They do business deals and negotiate like hell. You think they cant see straight through you? You are exaggerating to hell and back and as a prospective customer reading this you are sending the B.S. detector off like crazy.

Copy gets much better on paragraph two and starts to sound like something real.

Your letter doesnt sound enough like a conversation. Sounds like your writing to the queen of england. Talk to me like we are two wealthy investors sitting in the back of a club in Dubai talking money.

Not like im some old bat who speaks 16th century english. Talk to me like a new yorker, a business man, an investor, no bs, no holds barred. Lets talk money here.

Again you are exaggerating. Your letter would be infinitely better if you were completely and absolutely truthful with 0 exaggeration. Write as if every word would have to hold up in the supreme court.

Is this really a once in a life time opportunity? Common. I can get research from hundreds of firms. Then you start talking about yourself, I dont care about you, I care about me.

Then it gets repetitive, your telling me stuff you already told me.

This is good "4 hours each day is equivalent to 120 hours a month. In all, you will lose 1440 hours of precious time to being stuck behind your desk… That’s a grand total of 60 valuable days of your 365 days spent miserably alone."

After that it starts getting better, but again, repetitive. Your telling me things you told me in the letter.

The copy is slowing down because your going backwards. First you talk about these reports now your going all the way back to leveraging. This kind of stuff needs to be BEFORE you ever mention reports, etc. You need to improve the order in which you present your sales arguments in the copy, its out of whack.

I dont want you to help me do the research, I want you to do it for me!

Also I wouldnt just talk about how much time your going to save me but also how much money your going to make me. On top of that I would like to see some track record and a ton of proof that shows you are the real deal and your research is extremely good.

I want to see testimonials, a history of your track record, gurus endorsing you, etc.

Also it says you are going to do this personally. However, WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU? I dono who you are, you never introduced yourself or told me WHY I should have you do my research for me instead of every other shmuck.

Anyways thats enough for now. This could be actually a fairly good letter once its been thoroughly polished. You've got some good understanding of building desire. The key problem is the sequence you are presenting your information is all over the place, your exaggerating and building disbelief and distrust and there not enough proof and credibility. The main problem is belief and the overall copy structure.

Basically, I would say there is a lot of potential in this ad but first you have to polish it lots, then it will start to come out much stronger. Think of it like assembling a symphony. You have some good pieces here and there but it has to all come together as one and be strong as a body of work. Its not enough to have good bits and pieces, the entire copy from beginning to end has to be un-putdownable.

It has to be so good that you start reading and dont stop until you have read the whole letter. It has to be like your falling out of a plane and you dont stop until you hit the ground. Thats the way your copy needs to read. It doesnt have momentum, thats the missing key to this. And belief, investors are skeptical, you need to ease all skepticism. Act like you have to convince a judge in the supreme court to buy your product. Your not just going to make outlandish claims because she will tear you to bits.

Also your copy is to boring, needs more drama.

[stevedirect]

Is this a stock-picking advisory service
that deals solely in IPOs? That seems to
be the main thrust of the sales pitch.

If so, sell that aspect of it, and only
that aspect of it. This is what will make
you stand out from the hundreds of other
"general" stock picking services out there
such as those from The Motley Fool.

Investing in IPOs is a niche investment
strategy, and could be aimed at investors
who want to add a bit of "spice" to their portfolio.

It's a fact that it's almost impossible for
regular investors to make money from IPOs.
For most investors, an IPO is a surefire
shirt-losing exercise.

If you honestly do have a way for investors
to make money from IPOs... then that's
your USP... your angle... and that's incredibly
powerful.

At the moment the letter doesn't even begin
to hammer that home.

But... the only way you can make money
from an IPO is by having insider information
from the company itself, usually at director level...
and you do need to make sure you can offer
that knowledge... because if you cannot
you're essentially scamming people... and you
may expect a visit from those nice people
at the SEC.

The letter also makes the mistake of using
Warren Buffet as an example. Anyone who
knows the slightest thing about Buffet's
trading style knows he's a value investor...
and an IPO can never be a value buy because
the company has no historical trading data
to effectively value the share. That's why
it's usually only company insiders who make
money from IPOs.

As Buffet says: "It's almost a mathematical
impossibility to imagine that, out of the thousands
of things for sale on a given day, the most
attractively priced is the one being sold by
a knowledgeable seller (company insiders)
to a less-knowledgeable buyer (investors)."

By saying your system will turn people into
the next Warren Buffet you're doing nothing
but displaying your ignorance of investing...
and a savvy investor will see you as a fake.

So... talk to your client about pitching this
as a niche investment service... and make
very sure you can back it up with real
(insider) knowledge.

It's a tough nut to crack... but then so is
making money by investing in IPOs.

All the best,

Steve