Could use your advice...Is there any more I could improve on here?

[askloz]

Gonna take Mark Andrews up on his very kind offer and head over here to seek your help/advice/criticism (constructive I hope)/modifications for me site here.

http://forexsignalmentor.com

I'd appreciate any feed back you can provide. The more help I can get, I'll even give ya a free entry into the members area just for helping me out.

Thx for your time.

[jukeboxhero]

I would change headline to Spot, Click and Profit System Has Been PROVEN Once Again Bringing Over X in just Y.

Or better yet just drop that whole section all together because it really has no purpose and jump right to the "Watch as I...." Thats the cool part but it gets burried in all the crap.

"bucket load of cash over the years" is about as vague as you can get...Change it.

What outcome does your market want specifically...Spend more time talking to that.

I gotta roll good luck.

[askloz]

Thanks Juke.

[Chris Ramsey]

Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.

If you're wanting to use the first line as your headline, I'd bump it up to about 22px or something a little smaller. You want it to be big, but not HUGE.

Also, why are there three different package images? If there are more than one level of membership, that's fine. But if you're just selling one type, stick with a single image.

I'd recommend removing the "Add To Cart" buttons with the exception of one a the end. Readers know where to go to buy. Adding in more than one button just frustrates. Although, this may be something to test out.

Just to let you know, I don't know jack about Forex, but your sales letter made me want to buy your product So you've got something great going so far.

[Oxbloom]

Right off, I don't like the headline. Neither the content of it, nor the formatting. It's small, doesn't draw the eye, doesn't compel me to read deeper, and isn't very specific about what it is I'm about to read (or NOT read, as the case may be.)

Ignore the rest of your message for the moment. What's the first thing
somebody with NO prior knowledge of or interest in your product will see?

"Spot It, Click It, Profit From It System Generates Thousands Weekly!"

This makes an okay SUB-head, after the basic premise has been explained,
but as your lead, it doesn't even mention what basic topic we're talking about.

Worse still, the presumed "main" headline right below, is even vaguer...

"The $1 Million Challenge has begun!"

What $1 Million Challenge? I didn't navigate here because I was searching
out info about some challenge. I want quick, easy, forex get-rich info shoveled
into my brain and pronto! Do I even scroll down and find your NEXT headline?

“Forex Trading Veteran Reveals His Closely Kept Secrets That’s Generated Him A Bucket Load Of Cash Over The Years, And He’s Going To Show You How It’s Done!”

No, I probably don't, because I've given up by now and gone to one of the
million competing links I've found on google.

Get that headline up higher. Use that big, bad font, and make sure people know
that you're a forex trading badass, that you've got a secret for them, and you're
about to share it below. I agree it could be more specific and compelling,
but it's a far sight better than what you've got up top now.


Problem number two...is that the first place on the page I can take action as a
participant in your sales page is right up top where it says...

You can watch these right now - CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW IT'S DONE!

...but then when I click the link, am I watching you? NO! For the love of God,
I'm whisked away to a sales page asking me for $100 bucks for the privilege. Before
I've gotten piece of info #1.

It's not so much bad to ask for the order right away, but it's downright
alienating to promise me a chance to follow a link to watch, only to have
it turn into sales pitch instead. I don't just feel misled if I'm a reader...
I feel misled for profit!

Give your reader the info you need to get him involved...
Give your reader something concrete so he'll trust and believe you...
THEN pitch your product.

Judging from the video and the testimonials, you really DO have something
to offer here.

Give them a good headline, your "daily updated video" (perhaps with a caption stating when
it started, and with how much $), and then and only then move into your story and sales
message.

I think there's real potential here. Good luck with it!

[askloz]

Hi Chris...

it's Loz by the way

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.

If you're wanting to use the first line as your headline, I'd bump it up to about 22px or something a little smaller. You want it to be big, but not HUGE.

Ok, erm, but which, smaller or bigger?

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Also, why are there three different package images? If there are more than one level of membership, that's fine. But if you're just selling one type, stick with a single image.

one is the main course, the other is member request videos, the other is the live $10k to $1million challenge that proves my strategies work.

I know, looks confusing right now, just waiting on designer to add / make changes to those to reflect the modules.

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

I'd recommend removing the "Add To Cart" buttons with the exception of one a the end. Readers know where to go to buy. Adding in more than one button just frustrates. Although, this may be something to test out.

Ok, thanks, I'll try that

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Just to let you know, I don't know jack about Forex, but your sales letter made me want to buy your product So you've got something great going so far.

Thanks, I came up with that myself.

I've actually paid someone else to do a new copy for me... I think personally my page lacks something, I just dont know what it is.

You see, I don't want to come across too hypy, that seems to be the norm with most sites I see...

I just wrote that page just the way I see it and hope to come across as honest as possible... but what I lack, I think, is tapping into the persuasion art of it all, and would love more help in that regard if possible.

thx again for your help...

[askloz]

Hi ya

Thanks for the suggestions, huge help

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Right off, I don't like the headline. Neither the content of it, nor the formatting. It's small, doesn't draw the eye, doesn't compel me to read deeper, and isn't very specific about what it is I'm about to read (or NOT read, as the case may be.)

Small? 16px is small? How large should the text be then? It's in Gerogia font.

Should I change it to something like 16px Arial?

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Ignore the rest of your message for the moment. What's the first thing
somebody with NO prior knowledge of or interest in your product will see?

"Spot It, Click It, Profit From It System Generates Thousands Weekly!"

This makes an okay SUB-head, after the basic premise has been explained,
but as your lead, it doesn't even mention what basic topic we're talking about.

Worse still, the presumed "main" headline right below, is even vaguer...

"The $1 Million Challenge has begun!"

What $1 Million Challenge? I didn't navigate here because I was searching
out info about some challenge. I want quick, easy, forex get-rich info shoveled
into my brain and pronto! Do I even scroll down and find your NEXT headline?

“Forex Trading Veteran Reveals His Closely Kept Secrets That’s Generated Him A Bucket Load Of Cash Over The Years, And He’s Going To Show You How It’s Done!”

No, I probably don't, because I've given up by now and gone to one of the
million competing links I've found on google.

Get that headline up higher. Use that big, bad font, and make sure people know
that you're a forex trading badass, that you've got a secret for them, and you're
about to share it below. I agree it could be more specific and compelling,
but it's a far sight better than what you've got up top now.

Good point... thx for pointing out

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Problem number two...is that the first place on the page I can take action as a
participant in your sales page is right up top where it says...

You can watch these right now - CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW IT'S DONE!

...but then when I click the link, am I watching you? NO! For the love of God,
I'm whisked away to a sales page asking me for $100 bucks for the privilege. Before
I've gotten piece of info #1.

It's not so much bad to ask for the order right away, but it's downright
alienating to promise me a chance to follow a link to watch, only to have
it turn into sales pitch instead. I don't just feel misled if I'm a reader...
I feel misled for profit!

Give your reader the info you need to get him involved...
Give your reader something concrete so he'll trust and believe you...
THEN pitch your product.

Cool... I'll make those changes

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Judging from the video and the testimonials, you really DO have something
to offer here.

Give them a good headline, your "daily updated video" (perhaps with a caption stating when
it started, and with how much $), and then and only then move into your story and sales
message.

I think there's real potential here. Good luck with it!

Thanks Oxbloom...

I'll make the changes that have been recommended and upload the new page for a possible review of the changes if ok?

[askloz]

Ok, here we go

http://forexsignalmentor.com/

is that better?

[Oxbloom]

Well, at least now I'd be tempted to read deeper.

I should have been more careful about my words. I don't know that it'll work for you to use words and phrases like "badass" and "easy money." I just meant that's the overall feel you should aspire to.

I don't know for sure they WON'T work for you, but be careful you don't appear too fly-by-night. You're asking people to part with a nice chunk of change, after all, so they have to trust and believe in you.

The important thing was getting an attention drawing message up front. Mission accomplished. Now, test, polish, repeat.

[askloz]

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Well, at least now I'd be tempted to read deeper.

I should have been more careful about my words. I don't know that it'll work for you to use words and phrases like "badass" and "easy money." I just meant that's the overall feel you should aspire to.

I have dyslexia, so my understanding of the English language is very poor, i dont even know what a noun is. I just type as I speak.

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

I don't know for sure they WON'T work for you, but be careful you don't appear too fly-by-night. You're asking people to part with a nice chunk of change, after all, so they have to trust and believe in you.

$97 a lot? nah, not for what they learn... courses out there go for like $5K+ for just a few months... mines 12 months. and even then they stay on my contact list for support

I'll be testing a $197 price tag soon, or go back to $97 activation and $47 per month cos Im constantly adding new videos all the time... so far there's about 40 videos there, approx 600MB large in total.

my sales optin rate is at about 3% right now... but need to hit the 10% mark eventually with the leads im starting to gather via PPV.

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

The important thing was getting an attention drawing message up front. Mission accomplished. Now, test, polish, repeat.

kewl... thx again for your help... drop me a PM and an email and I'll send ya a free copy

[SamKane]

If you want to get rid of the "hypyness" and start of your sales letter much stronger...
Get rid of your headline, the subhead, the "dear trader", and the "Peer behind the curtain... statement.

Start your letter at:
"Long Time Veteran of 11 Years.....

Test it yourself... just scroll down in your browser until the top section starts
at "Long Time Veteran of 11 Years...
Almost immediately you'll have a much more believable sales letter minus the "badass" hype.

Sam Kane

[askloz]

Thx Sam, I took out the "badass" out...

[stevedirect]

The main problem seems to be that the letter isn’t aimed at any particular market, and so doesn't really hit any target.

Is the product aimed at people who already trade but haven't made a success of it? Or at people who want to find a way to make money and could be interested in FX as the answer? The answer will determine everything from the structure of the letter to the actual offer itself.

For instance the first paragraph mentions "Being a Victim to Margin Calls, Vicious Whipsaws..."

The use of jargon like "margin calls" indicates this is aimed at people who already trade.

But then the letter has:

"Best part is, you seriously do not even need any prior experience!"

This could easily confuse a prospect right off the bat.

Then further down there is: “help replace the big hole created by our Governments in their dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government, One World Currency."

Many people just don’t believe there are “dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government”.

You need to be careful when using this conspiracy-theory stuff that the whole pitch, and therefore the product, just doesn’t appear credible.

Then there are sentences like: “you stand to make more money here than anywhere in the World. Trading the Forex if done properly, is like waking up in the morning and printing your own Checks that would leave your Bank Manager grinning from ear to ear!

These can easily come across as wild promises… especially when not supported by any logical argument or proof.

You might also want to check your spelling, grammar, punctuation…

I would restructure the whole letter to aim it at a particular type of prospect, and add far more proof elements, especially hard facts about what makes this product so different from any other.

Of course, test, test, test… because you really don’t know how the thing will do until you get some real eyeballs on it…

Good luck

Steve

[askloz]

Originally Posted by stevedirect

The main problem seems to be that the letter isn’t aimed at any particular market, and so doesn't really hit any target.

Hi Steve,

Huh? how you work that out? Forex is a market. Foreign currency trading is a market. Forex is the biggest and most profitable market in the world.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

Is the product aimed at people who already trade but haven't made a success of it? Or at people who want to find a way to make money and could be interested in FX as the answer? The answer will determine everything from the structure of the letter to the actual offer itself.

It says on the home page that it's guided to newbies, those that have tried, but failed and need a hand/leg up in the right direction... intermediate traders and even advanced traders.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

For instance the first paragraph mentions "Being a Victim to Margin Calls, Vicious Whipsaws..."

That's guided to those who have tried before... my leads/visitors are all targeted.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

The use of jargon like "margin calls" indicates this is aimed at people who already trade.

cos that section is.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

But then the letter has:

"Best part is, you seriously do not even need any prior experience!"

This could easily confuse a prospect right off the bat.

How can it be? they're on my site, they know it's about forex, and know what forex is since I told them already, and im telling them they dont need any experience to learn this stuff.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

Then further down there is: “help replace the big hole created by our Governments in their dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government, One World Currency."

Many people just don’t believe there are “dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government”.

LOL, not those in forex mate. They all know what the govt is like.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

You need to be careful when using this conspiracy-theory stuff that the whole pitch, and therefore the product, just doesn’t appear credible.

It's not conspiracy, its a fact.. George Bush's Dad when he was in power gave a speech in front of hundreds and hundreds of millions of people that's what they plan to do and there's an actual bill to pursue their goals.

Freedom of information act
Patriot Act, etc, etc, they're all made up to act as one huge task to take over... Iraq was just part of their plan that unfortunately required to blow up 9/11 before they could move forward.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

Then there are sentences like: “you stand to make more money here than anywhere in the World. Trading the Forex if done properly, is like waking up in the morning and printing your own Checks that would leave your Bank Manager grinning from ear to ear!

These can easily come across as wild promises… especially when not supported by any logical argument or proof.

You can, its' a general comment, that you can make more in forex than in any other niche out there. and as with any other industry, one needs to learn it before they master it or even make a penny here or there, just as with you guys with copywriting.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

You might also want to check your spelling, grammar, punctuation…

Like I said, I'm not out there to try and be someone I am not. I have dyslexia, and Im from the UK, we speak differently and even spell "COLOUR/NEIGHBOUR" the correct way.

Originally Posted by stevedirect

I would restructure the whole letter to aim it at a particular type of prospect, and add far more proof elements, especially hard facts about what makes this product so different from any other.

I did that. I guess you're just not seeing it.

Thanks all the same and for your time, its appreciated

[stevedirect]

Hi Askloz

Sorry, probably didn't make it clear when I talked about the market. I was referring more to the market awareness. As you probably know, the selling job for one particular level of market awareness will be different for another, and so will the sales letter structure. But if you know your market awareness, the sales letter probably reflects that.

As for the other stuff, I see what you mean now.

Cheers

Steve

[tchashow]

Quote:
Originally Posted by stevedirect
You might also want to check your spelling, grammar, punctuation…

Like I said, I'm not out there to try and be someone I am not. I have dyslexia, and Im from the UK, we speak differently and even spell "COLOUR/NEIGHBOUR" the correct way.

I understand that you are in the UK but you do need to work on your grammer. This is one long run-on sentence:
"Just recently I had two of my friends house taken from them to foreclosures due to losing their Job, few of their friends too have lost their jobs, they’re turning to the Internet for that solution to help replace the big hole created by our Governments in their dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government, One World Currency. You could say life as we know it is up the proverbiale creek without a paddle."

Correct way:
Just recently, I had two of my friends houses taken from them to foreclosures due to losing their job. Few of their friends, too, have lost their jobs and they’re turning to the Internet for that solution to help replace the big hole created by our Governments in their dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government, One World Currency.

The last sentence doesn't make sense to me, but that is probably because I dont know what forex is:-)

[askloz]

I can't work on my grammar, my brain just don't take it in ... that side of my brain simply just don't work well (but makes up in other areas ), been this way for as long as I remember. I found out that I had dyslexia when i was around 18yrs old. Not saying it's an excuse, but from all those I have showed the page to, they said it was ok, legible, and understandable. maybe they just couldn't be arsed to point out those things or just simply didn't notice it. (glad i came here to ask )

But yeah, I can see what you mean now, very very well spotted I guess I'm gonna have to take it through a proof reader

one doesn't really need to know about forex to know what the govt are up to if one is really into politics -- which I have to study so I know what the overall sentiment, or at least the hyped up sentiment is gonna be that transfers over to the markets overall welfare and global effects.

Thanks heaps tchashow, I appreciate the help.

@Steve, no worries, btw, it's Loz, figured you know by now since it's on my home page and sig

[tchashow]

You can load it into Microsoft Word and that will definitely help but I am sure somebody here would proof read it for you and help you correct your errors. I sure would.

And your page looks great by the way! A little fine tuning and I'm sure you will be well on your way to "bucket loads of cash." lol

[Daniel Scott]

As others have mentioned... the way you write things makes it difficult to understand in some spots. It's still "understandable", but ANY friction will reduce sales drastically.

I think your biggest problem is the way the copy jumps around... to me it has no overall structure or flow... as though you didn't sit down to map out a draft... just kind of typed out the thoughts as you had them.

Thus your sales letter has no real flow... it doesn't lead the prospect. And in the words of David Sandler (paraphrased), "If your prospect isn't following your system, you're following theirs... and you'll lose."

The other thing I didn't see was your USP... your big promise. There's a lot of competition here... you need to think of a way you can position yourself to stand out and be a little different.

I only skimmed the letter so there's probably more issues but that was the initial things I'd think about fixing.

-Dan

[askloz]

LOL, I did that, that's where I created the copy, I guess you can't really trust Win Word to get things right.

Originally Posted by tchashow

You can load it into Microsoft Word and that will definitely help but I am sure somebody here would proof read it for you and help you correct your errors. I sure would.

Cool, thx

Originally Posted by tchashow

And your page looks great by the way! A little fine tuning and I'm sure you will be well on your way to "bucket loads of cash." lol

Heehe, thanks.

[askloz]

As I say, I know most of the probs, just need to know which areas to change. Chuck me a 1000 page essay to fix, no chance, give me a bunch of numbers to crunch, i'm ur man (the mathematical side of my brain works, just not the english side).

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

As others have mentioned... the way you write things makes it difficult to understand in some spots. It's still "understandable", but ANY friction will reduce sales drastically.

I think your biggest problem is the way the copy jumps around... to me it has no overall structure or flow... as though you didn't sit down to map out a draft... just kind of typed out the thoughts as you had them.

Thus your sales letter has no real flow... it doesn't lead the prospect. And in the words of David Sandler (paraphrased), "If your prospect isn't following your system, you're following theirs... and you'll lose."

The other thing I didn't see was your USP... your big promise. There's a lot of competition here... you need to think of a way you can position yourself to stand out and be a little different.

I only skimmed the letter so there's probably more issues but that was the initial things I'd think about fixing.

-Dan

[Mtkent]

First of all definitely a bigger font. 2nd I would use some thing like this: Long Time Veteran Has Proof That His Simple, Easy To Learn Techniques Work for Anyone. NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED!

Next the top portion of your sales letter after the headline all seems to be centered on the page. That should be used for your highlights on the page but not all of the sales copy. The bottom part reads much better. Still need to thin out some of your paragraphs. You don't really want more than 2 or maybe 3 lines at a time. The copy doesn't have any real flow to it so it is very difficult to read. Your potential customers will get disheartened and leave before they buy. You need to create a flow to your copy. In the closing at the end you need to tell them WHY THE ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE THIS PRODUCT. The big promise or benefit they will get once they buy. Hope this helps.

[askloz]

Hi ya

Originally Posted by Mtkent

First of all definitely a bigger font.

I just increased the headline by 6 px, get any bigger it will look ugly.

Originally Posted by Mtkent

2nd I would use some thing like this: Long Time Veteran Has Proof That His Simple, Easy To Learn Techniques Work for Anyone. NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED!

Hey, I likes that thx!

Originally Posted by Mtkent

Next the top portion of your sales letter after the headline all seems to be centered on the page. That should be used for your highlights on the page but not all of the sales copy.

Yeah, I was in a slight rush when I edited the page the other day when was kindly given suggestion by others here in this thread, been awake for like 23hrs and need to hit the sack...

I'm just having a author of a book help me proof read the site, almost done, will be making more, which I hope, improvements, changing things around, thinking more about the layout of the sections of the site text, etc... I'll ping you guys when its complete, if that's ok?

Originally Posted by Mtkent

The bottom part reads much better. Still need to thin out some of your paragraphs. You don't really want more than 2 or maybe 3 lines at a time.

Do you mean throughout the entire page?

Originally Posted by Mtkent

The copy doesn't have any real flow to it so it is very difficult to read. Your potential customers will get disheartened and leave before they buy. You need to create a flow to your copy.

can you be more specific in regards to the flow?

Originally Posted by Mtkent

In the closing at the end you need to tell them WHY THE ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE THIS PRODUCT. The big promise or benefit they will get once they buy. Hope this helps.

I figured I did that with the P.S, P.P.S, P.P.P.S's... hmm. okey dokey, back to the drawing board

Thx again for the help

[askloz]

Morning everyone

Ok, added some more images, and a nice one where I made $5,945.00 last night while I was sleeping even included a skype chat session where I told my peeps before time of the prediction

http://forexsignalmentor.com/

How's that?

p.s
you may have to press CTRL+F5 to refresh the new images.

[askloz]

I guess, no comment it's ok? Sales went up by the way.

[erwindegrave]

[QUOTE=Chris Ramsey;1364030]Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.




True.. Use a bigger font headline plus in the tagline itself.. For old people it will be hard to read it :-)

[askloz]

h1.large{
	font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;
	font-size: 28px;
	text-align: center;
	color: #CD070D;
}

28px is not large enough?

That header text font is just as large as others i see out there.

[quote=erwindegrave;1376108]

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.




True.. Use a bigger font headline plus in the tagline itself.. For old people it will be hard to read it :-)