Urgent! Squeeze page critique needed before I pay...

[smak]

HI Copy Warriors,

Much appreciated if you could review and critique the squeeze page copy link below:

Internet Millionaire System

My elance.com freelancer is demanding payment after my approval, so before I give him the final nod, I would like to get some reviews form third party source like you guys.

I have my reservations like:

1....The free report should be little smaller size and be shown 'above the fold' meaning you shouldn't have to scroll down.

2... The graphics and the copy for the actual optin subscriber box is poor and weak. Can be strengthed but I guess the team I picked from elance.com is not really direct response marketing expert. This is why in this online biz, its best to outsource to guys who are experts in direct response marketing.

3... I didn't really wanted to actually reveal the 'technique' for this method of making money online which this writer has i.e private label rights. I wanted it more to be a blind copy that urges the prospect to opt in to get the free report to get more details on the system.


Thanks in advance. Much Appreciated if I can get this critique from the experts in this forum.



regards

smak

[tryinhere]

limit time offer ?

limited time offer

mate its yourt dime and if its not singing your song dont pay the piper man, that simple, ask for the changes you want.

[Andrew Gould]

Center it.

'Limit Time Offer' wants to be 'Limited Time Offer".

Get rid of the full stop after 'Finally A Real Guide To Making Stable
Passive Income Online'.

The introduction to the bullets is a bit weak and the bullets themselves are a little vanilla.

And the more I look at it the more I'm thinking you should scrap the triple headline and find a stronger single replacement.

Hope this helps,

Andrew.

[travlinguy]

In addition to what you've already mentioned there's a major believability issue with this copy.

First, "…a free report detailing how you can make millions through simple legitimate online stores." Making millions? I'm not one to pee on someone's aspirations for riches, but I also believe in keeping it real.

Then, "Valuable Niches Disappear Every Minute You Waste." This is also a crock of baloney.

I don't know what you told the writer you were after with the copy but now that you've seen the result it might not be too hard to determine what you don't want. If a re-write was part of the arrangement sit down and figure out what you want and let the writer know.

BTW, the page has decent eye-appeal. I think you can get the opt-in box above the fold pretty easily by spreading the headline out a little too. Good Luck!

[smak]

thanks so far guys.

[Ann Writes]

Here's how I see it:

I find the header image attractive but the more I look at it, the less believable it appears.

If you're going to use the word 'Finally', I'd put it in a line all by itself.

No full-stop after online.

Limited.

The font colors in the top 2 headings seem to be the wrong way around - 'Limited Time Offer' should stand out more.

I'd craft the second heading around the word 'Discover' rather than 'Learn'.

Perhaps I've read too many of these, but making millions from a free report is just so...well...beyond belief...

The 3 words 'Internet Millionaire System' should appear together as far as possible but especially in headings.

"If you act right now..." is just too slow. "Get our FREE report NOW showing how...."

There's nothing in this 'copy' that links 'Internet Millionaire System' with Private Label Products. Both are mentioned independently but not linked. How does one relate to the other?

Too many headlines at the start and the links between them are not at all clear or easy to follow. The "Private Label Products..." looks tacky.

And yes, overall, it smacks of 'beyond belief' and not in a good way either.

I do hope it gets a good work-over! Best of luck!

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

It is great you are taking action. If you keep taking action you will eventually get where you need to be in order to succeed.

But this squeeze page needs a lot of help. Sorry.

Based on tests of hundreds of different squeeze pages I can virtually guarantee this page will not work for you--even after you make the changes above. I'm not saying those changes will not help, but the changes will make only a marginal improvement in a page that will not convert for you.

In order for a squeeze page to be effective it needs to do a few things:

1. It needs to make a specific, relevant and lust-inducing promise to your target market.
2. It needs to QUICKLY prove that you can deliver on that promise.
3. It needs to compel prospects to take action.

That is for the copy. For the layout of the page we have found less is almost always better. What I mean by that is every element in page design is either positive, negative or neutral when it comes to converting visitors into subscribers. On your page you have several elements that we have demonstrated in the opp-seeker niche to be NEGATIVE.

If I were you I would pay your freelancer for the work he's done, then research from proven squeeze pages what actually works, then craft a new design based on your research.

[smak]

The `internet millionaire system` is just the name of this product and part of the hook.

Just likke many other make money products with titles that have similar selling appeal.

The normal copy formula of sell the sizzle and not the steak.



Smak

[Alexa Smith]

Hi Smak,

My advice to you is simply to read and re-read Kevin's post above. Many times. And act on it. That's a really invaluable response!

[LoveTheSun]

I would move the box with the green dots to be in the middle under where it says System Now, it is more strategic and more standard, the two sets of copy looks a bit odd, it is making it hard for the reader to decide on which one to do

[scarpet1]

To kinda quote Frank Kern---from my notes on one of his videos--
Tell them what you got
Tell them how it will help them
Tell them how to get it.

Good luck.

[maximus242]

Needs a better headline and a reason why its a million dollar system. And preferably a reason why you are giving it away for free.

[Scott Murdaugh]

My advice, listen to what everyone else has said.

Second, pay the guy. You hired a "copywriter" on E-lance. Unless he claimed to be the greatest squeeze page writer on the planet, this is pretty much what you can expect.

If a guy can write copy that motivates people to take action, chances are he's not bidding projects on e-lance.

Unless you paid this guy 4 figures or more, I'd take it as a cheap lesson as to what to look for when hiring a copywriter.

Maybe ask him to help implement some of the changes, but he probably won't be much help. (No offense to the guy, he just doesn't appear to have much knowledge about how to make a squeeze page work).

The bottom line is you hired him. My guess is he's your typical article writer, and content writing and direct response copy are two different worlds.

Good luck with it. But really, unless you checked out his previous work and it was completely different, or he misrepresented himself, it's not really his fault.

-Scott

[mrdomains]

Here is why the Internet Millionaire System is the Best way to make money online

I stopped reading there. Best is a word that lacks definition, a individual opinion. Most profitable, quickest, simplest, new, most explosive, but not best.

Internet Millionaire System implies it will make me a Millionaire. When?

I agree with Scott though. Pay the man.

[mathiaslebesby]

Where do you find squeeze pages that are proven to work?

Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter

It is great you are taking action. If you keep taking action you will eventually get where you need to be in order to succeed.

But this squeeze page needs a lot of help. Sorry.

Based on tests of hundreds of different squeeze pages I can virtually guarantee this page will not work for you--even after you make the changes above. I'm not saying those changes will not help, but the changes will make only a marginal improvement in a page that will not convert for you.

In order for a squeeze page to be effective it needs to do a few things:

1. It needs to make a specific, relevant and lust-inducing promise to your target market.
2. It needs to QUICKLY prove that you can deliver on that promise.
3. It needs to compel prospects to take action.

That is for the copy. For the layout of the page we have found less is almost always better. What I mean by that is every element in page design is either positive, negative or neutral when it comes to converting visitors into subscribers. On your page you have several elements that we have demonstrated in the opp-seeker niche to be NEGATIVE.

If I were you I would pay your freelancer for the work he's done, then research from proven squeeze pages what actually works, then craft a new design based on your research.

[maximus242]

You hunt down marketers who are fanatical testers and you find out which squeeze pages they are using. For example, Eric Graham, psychotic tester. Eben Pagan does lots of testing. Ah who else, John Reese is typically a fanatically results based person. Anything he does usually has a lot of test results behind it. Amazon.com tests lots. Dan Kennedy of course has thousands of test results so whatever he does he knows what works and what doesnt. Makepeace has seen too many online test results to count so hes pretty reliable too.

Any major direct marketing company. Agora, Nightingale Conant, Rodale Press, Philips Publishing, Boardroom, etc. All of their squeeze pages are tested constantly. I would say they are the most reliable for finding strong proven squeeze pages backed by testing. Save Eric Graham who is just a freak of nature in a good way.

Major competitors in large markets such as weightloss are practically forced to test non stop. The competiton is to great to not test. Anyone who doesnt, isnt in the arena for long. So googling for weight loss over a period of say three months and seeing who is still around and what pages they are using is a good indicator of strong controls as well.

[Steve Faber]

The Veyron, stacks of money, woman banner is pretty tired. I may be wrong, but I don't think it has the effect it once did. The headline is kind of long. "its" should be "it's" and that underscore should be a dash.

[Daniel Scott]

Also... in this market you need something unique.

If you were a successful marketer you wouldn´t have posted this.

Which means you´re trying to sell something to a very skeptical, jaded, results driven market... despite the fact you have zero experience yourself.

Recipe for disaster, I´d say.