Updated 12-03-2009: A Forgotten Art

[Tinkerbell]

Hey, here's a piece of practice copy...just me playing around, not really selling anything at all. I've been messing around with it for a little bit and thought some of you might get a kick out of reading it.

Anybody want to? Check out the little story, or pick apart the terrible structure, whatever. Have a field day, or ignore it totally. It was time for a break, so I thought I'd do something outlandish that felt like fun.

Here: A Forgotten Art

Tina

UPDATE 11-21-2009: If any of you are interested, I've added more to the piece of practice copy at the thread above today. Take a look, see what's new, and let me know your thoughts? Thanks!

UPDATE 11-22-2009: Look! There's more! In response to those who felt the practice copy linked above was sinking too deep into story and not deeply enough into selling, I've added the next installment to the piece. Take a look, see what's new, and let me know your thoughts? Thanks!

UPDATE 12-03-2009: The story continues. Getting dark and dangerous here. Have I gone overboard? How's it read? Smooth and clear, or is it choppy? Feedback appreciated. Thank you!

[Matt James]

Hi Tina,

Well I love the headline.

Benefit, intrigue... "ratty, torn pages..." nicely descriptive.

I don't know what the heck this is about but you're compelling me to read on so... the headline did its job.

[Tinkerbell]

Thank you, Matt!

I might be encouraged by your response to add some more soon.

Tina

[travlinguy]

Well Tina...
It has everything a sales page is supposed to have. It starts with an interesting pre-header that piques curiosity. Then moves to a compelling headline that draws the reader in making him want to know more and continues into the body of the text building further mystery and intrigue while revealing small hints and clues as to what the secret might be.

Anyone getting to the point where you've stopped has gotta be wondering what the secret is.

I only hope it isn't something like an old Publishers Clearinghouse check that yer absent minded ole gray haired granny misplaced back in 1984 after Ed McMahaon and the camera crew left on that fateful day you all learned that a life of luxury was only a matter of signing the check...

You've obviously got the stuff. I look forward to reading more.

[Ann Writes]

It certainly appeals to that child-like part of us that wants to be enthralled by magick, mystery and intrigue of the supernatural kind...and for that reason I love the idea of it

My first visual impression of the headline was that it was too long but given that there is nothing else to compete with it (by cleverly using only one font throughout), I think it works.

I might rephrase this
A mystical, near-forgotten practice more than 2,500 years old, dating back to the ancient Persian Empire, often dismissed as “a fool's fantasy” …

like this
" How an almost forgotten 2500 old Mystical practice dating back to the Ancient Persian empire and laughingly dismissed as ‘fool’s fantasy’ is working its magic today,,,"

I like 'Attention Wealth Seeker' - 'Seeker' fits in nicely with the tone and spirit of this message, 'Wealth' acknowledges the reader's interest and 'Attention' gets it

There are some phrases and grammar that I would change eg "...likely due to someone's unmindfully hurried turning of the pages..." (mindlessly?)

On the whole, it's got great entertainment value but if its purpose is to sell a serious money-making package/product, it will have to be balanced by less fairy-tale-ish script - something that appeals to the left-brain as well.

[Ross Bowring]

Congratulations. You've got writing chops. Keep with the practice. Keep up the enthusiasm. Keep studying direct response... and the sky is the limit.

[Tinkerbell]

travlinguy,

Thank you very much. No, it's no Publisher's Clearinghouse check, I promise. Something much more useful and sustaining long-term. But I won't spoil the surprise here. I'll add more to the letter over the next few days. It'll be fun!

Ann Writes,

Appreciate your comments. You know, I didn't even think of grammar checking this thing, since I was doing it for fun, but when I went back and re-read for myself, I noticed more than one passage I'd word a bit differently on the second go round.

BTW: I agree there would need to be some definite non-fairy-tale-ish writing put into this as well, to sell a 'serious' product.

Ross Bowring,

::Blush:: Thank you. Writing "chops" is definitely what I am attempting to hone here. I will keep working at it. Appreciate the praise.

Tina

[Ken_Caudill]

Nicely written. It flows. Looks like it has potential for the self-help niche. I'll be interested to see how it develops.

[Tinkerbell]

Ken, I'll post here in this thread when I update it. It'll be interesting getting reactions and feedback kind of "in real time" during the creation.

Tina

[Tinkerbell]

Aw, darn, Mark. Why'd you have to burst my bubble?

I'm kidding.

I rather thought the prehead (even with the word dismissed) lead into the head, then the salutation fairly well. To me, the words "dismissed" and "a fool's fantasy" when combined with the following header hint the reader should pay a bit of attention because what's being overlooked and scoffed at allows this lady to generate boatloads of cash at will. Hmmm.

The first through fifth paragraphs address skepticism right off the bat. I figured doing that was somewhat of a necessity, considering what the next paragraph reveals.

Alchemy? Are you kidding me?

But by now, I'm hoping the reader is curious to learn the results of the discovery that almost all previous attempts at this art were done using the wrong ingredients, and the following blatant admission there should be no lead involved when properly done.

Maybe I'm wrong. If this were an actual product with a full sales letter, the answer to the dilemma would obviously be: test. Since it's not, I'm just gonna keep on winging it, and see what else I come up with.

Should be fun

Tina

[Daniel Scott]

Tink (can I call you that?),

First off... I don't agree with anything Mark said... aside from the fact the first sentence (after "Dear wealth seeker") should be short and snappy.

In fact... I think your copy's pretty good.

The only comment I have (and this probably comes from working with Vin, so it may be a preference thing) is to try and make your paragraphs shorter.

Check out some of Ross' work... notice how his paragraphs are often only one sentence (again, possibly something from Vin's legacy).

Also... use ellipses (...) instead of commas wherever possible. It draws the eye better.

These aren't writing things as much as visual things... but the internet is a very visual (ie. scan-based) medium... so I think these things will help increase conversions.

Other than that... pretty damn good.

Certainly better than most copywriters out there... including the ones who write for clients.

-Dan

[stevedirect]

Tina

Good stuff. You can certainly write.

A nice clean style that draws in the reader
without being "in-your-face".

Keep up the good work.

Best,

Steve

[Daniel Scott]

No soapbox.

First of all... I never said you said the copy was bad.

But you were giving her advice that I thought was weak... and frankly completely wrong.

As I keep telling you Mark, I have the utmost respect for some cheap copywriters (like David Babineau).

It's not what you charge, it's how you write.

Don't put words in my mouth just because you have a problem with me disagreeing with you.

We're all entitled to our opinions, yes.

We're also entitled to voice those opinions if they don't fit with someone else's.

All I said was that I disagreed with you and you tried to (yet again) start a mud-slinging match.

Let's try and keep it professional, okay?

-Dan

[Tinkerbell]

Mark,

I understand completely. You were just pointing out things you see that may make the copy stronger. I appreciate that, and agree that learning is best done when you're having fun! Thanks, too, for your compliments on my writing skills, imagination, and creativity. I sure have been leaving this forum with a blush on my face lately! You're all so kind!

Daniel,

Sure you can call me Tink. Lots of folks here do. I agree with you that shorter, snappier sentences are great. In fact, making sentences tighter pretty much eliminates the need for either commas or ellipses, yes? But this is a straight off the top of my head first draft, so, like I admitted to above, no grammar check or editing has been done. I appreciate your comments. Once again, I have pink cheeks. As for writing for clients, I don't. Some have asked my rates, but when I come back with $10K, they go, "Ah. Okay." Hmmm.

stevedirect,

Thanks. I appreciate both your comments and your compliments.

Mark,

Don't sweat the disagreements, yes? We all have opinions and I did ask for any and all. And each one is appreciated the same.

Finally, another great big "THANK YOU" to everyone who has given this a look. You've certainly encouraged me to write the next "installment," lol, but after I've taken care of my writing clients who are patiently waiting for their stuff.

Anyone else wanna have a go at it?

Tina

[Tinkerbell]

Um, Guys?

Please don't get my thread deleted or locked, m-kay? I would really love to continue to get feedback on this as I write more. Opinions are fine. Disagreements are fine. Arguments aren't. Play nice, please?

Tina

[colmodwyer]

Oh boys, do behave...

Tina, this is awesome!

Big hook here - for me - is the dictionary.

However, it sounds like this "hidden wealth secret" is specific to your granny's dictionary. Whereas it might be more appealing if this secret is in any dictionary. If you told me this is in my dictionary too, and you'll show me how to find and use it, that'd keep me reading I reckon.

Just a little more intrigue there. I think.

As for the eyebrow (aka pre-head), I don't think it compliments the headline. If anything it contradicts it. "2,500 years old" and "dictionary" (how old is the printing press?) don't really fit.

Arguably it's a minor thing, but the start of a letter needs to be super-tight.

Colm

[Krasimir]

Like the headline but the first paragraph turns me off a bit... the word that does it is BUTT.

[Tinkerbell]

Colm,

Thank you! Yeah, keep your eyes on that dictionary. That thing's some kind of special.

The 2,500 years part relates to how far back the practice of alchemy goes (and further, maybe) not to the dictionary. It does actually fit with the first part of the letter in that respect.

Krasimir,

You know, I don't really like using that word either. If I do a re-write, I'll likely change that.

Jose,

Well, alchemy as we currently know it prolly isn't practiced anymore (outside of cults or something) true.

Thanks, all, for your comments and compliments.

Tina

[scarpet1]

It reminds me of Sara Brown and the Worn Pages promotion she ran a long time ago. I read more of your copy than I thought I would---good job.

[Ann Writes]

Tinkerbell

It's great that your post is getting such considered thought! Good for you and for everyone else

We can all have our opinions about what we like and consider better or best but I guess there's one thing we might have to regard as being more objective than everything else - conversions!

Yep, if you want to eat, make sure it converts

[mghowell]

Overall its pretty good. It catches the readers attention, but I feel like I want to believe it but something is holding me back. Not sure what, but that is my impression

[Tinkerbell]

scarpet1,

Thank you. I'm glad the letter was able to hold your attention. Check back, because I'm going to add more to it soon. You may enjoy the reading if nothing else.

Ann Writes,

Yes, I am most appreciative of all the comments here, and a bit surprised to see so many turn out to give an opinion. You are completely right in that what really matters is whether or not it converts. Thankfully, this piece is a practice piece for now, so I don't have to worry about making sure it converts just yet. Right now I'm just having fun.

mghowell,

Thanks for your comments. That bit of uncertainty is possibly there because you're not certain of where things are going yet, and there is no proof elements in the copy yet. Soon, I will add more to it. Come back and give it a read later. I'd love to see if you continue to be uncertain, or if you become convinced.

Tina

[Ross Bowring]

No kidding. You can really write.

Specifically for the metaphysical... personal development... Sylvia Browne type niche, I think you could write very nice copy.

My advice: Just keep writing. Don't stop for no-one or no-thing.

The very first copywriter who every read my work told me I wasn't cut out to write long copy and I should stick to short copy. I'm thankful she did. She motivated me to prove her wrong.

If she'd told me I was all that... I may have stopped wanting to get better and better.

Know that you can write. Your next project is to become a student of selling. That way, over time, and through consistent practice, every single syllable you type will be underpinned by timeless sales tactics. Just keep with it. Don't stop wanting to improve.

Everyone has room to improve.

Eye of the tiger, my friend...

[travlinguy]

Hi there Revan... er, Tina

I like it even more as it moves along. I noticed a lot of detailed comments and suggestions from folks on the first round. I think some are missing the point that this is a fun exercise. So now I'll miss the point a bit as well.

You certainly have talent as a storyteller. And in my opinion, stories are just about the best vehicles for selling. At one juncture you write, "On Revan's very first try, she manifested just a little under $800. The second time she put the alchemist's secret to work for herself, she received..."

That passage reminds me of one in Wallace Wattle's Science of Getting Rich where he's talking about how certain principles work. There's a lot of speculation that he's actually talking about his own experience in discovering the law of attraction, which is really what alchemy is all about in the first place.

That bit in your piece is pivotal and if this weren't a fun exercise I think you'd want to lighten up on the story aspect and move more to selling.

In the latest installment you go back into story mode big time... almost too much for a sales piece, in my opinion. It's not that I'm not enjoying it because I am. But at that point you might be better served (as the writer of a sales letter) to advance the story a bit.

As a work of fiction, you're building more mystery and intrigue but as a copywriter I think you'll begin to lose some readers here and they'll start skimming looking for the 'what’s in it for me' (WIIFM) stuff.

IMO, that's when it becomes wise to start to label every second or third paragraph with an intriguing header descriptive of what's in that little section. You're still going to get a lot of readers that will read every word (like me) but with the sales-oriented formatting you'll also keep those who want to just get on with the climax.

Probably way too analytical for a fun piece but that's my take. Personally, I'd like to just see this continue in major story mode.

[Ken_Caudill]

Add some sub-headlines.

You need to break it up a bit -- love the melodramatic style.

A startling development...

Much to my surprise...

[jimmymc]

Very Nice...Tink. I like your style and enthusiasm... just keep tinkering with it and smooth it out a little.

Good job...

jimmymc

[Tinkerbell]

Ross,
Thank you for your compliments and encouragement. Sometimes it takes someone telling us we can't do something to give us the courage to prove we can. I appreciate your comments on this piece and hope you'll keep coming back for each installment.

travlinguy,
Miss the point? Ack! Can't have that! I'm kidding. I get what you're saying here, too. There has to be a balance of storytelling and selling, and I am working on that (between writing for those folks who pay me, of course).

I haven't added sub-heads yet. I will go back through when the piece is near-finished or finished (but for those) and put them in. at present I am just trying to keep things moving from 'A' to 'Z' (Shhh! I'm actually following my own secret little story/copy outline - sort of.)

Thanks for your comments and compliments. I hope you'll continue to read as I post new installments. This exercise is exceeding fun - so far.

Ken,
Thanks for commenting. Sub-heads are coming soon.

jimmymc,
Appreciate the comments, thanks!

Tina

[Ken Strong]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell

UPDATE 11-21-2007:

UPDATE 11-22-2007:

When's your Time Travel course coming out?

[Tinkerbell]

Ken, you're seeing things. LOL

Naturally I did not edit the thread and change those "7's" to "9's" <snicker>

(Cannot BELIEVE I did that. SMACK.)

[Tinkerbell]

Quick post just to let you all know I've updated the practice copy...added a page or so to what was there last time you looked. Check it out, let me know what you think. Think I've gone too far? Is it holding your interest, or have I totally lost ya?

Remember, it's all in fun, although I am using it as a learning experience. There is NO PRODUCT attached to the letter for now. Just honing the skills...

Tina