LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE!

Mtkent · 11-18-2009, 11:14 AM

Hey there all you sales copy Guru's. I'd like to hear from you about my re-written sales copy. The site is www.thesecretinterview.com. All your reviews/critiques are more than welcome. Just let 'er rip and let me know what you think. I'm converting at 2.8% right now and want it at 5% or better. Thanks, ,Mark.

Loren Woirhaye · 11-18-2009, 11:46 AM

Too much yellow. To much "I" chest-beating. Not enough "You"
empathy.

Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter · 11-18-2009, 12:45 PM

Don't take this the wrong way--you have the right idea, but...

Bottom line: You're not good enough at video and print copy yet to make this work for you. Over time you may become good enough, but you will leave loads of money on the table in the mean time. Why do that? Why not do it right the first time?

Hire a copywriter who has already researched the market to define your look and feel, advise you on how to make better and more captivating video, to create your video script and write your copy.

Mtkent · 11-18-2009, 02:55 PM

I didn't realize it came off that way. I'll clean that up. Thanks.

Mtkent · 11-18-2009, 02:56 PM

Kevin if I dropped the video what would you suggest for the copy? Any suggestions are great. Thanks.

Loren Woirhaye · 11-18-2009, 03:25 PM

The video is a bit of a yawner - because it's not very specific and
you're talking about people I (well, as your hypothetical prospect)
I've never heard of... as if I should be excited about them.

You have to tell folks not how great you are or how great your
mentors are, but what's in it for them!

Anyway I would concur with Kevin's comment.... and add
that if you're so prosperous and loaded why are you slumming
it for help asking for free detailed critiques?

I'm just sayin'... because nobody here wants to rewrite your
salesletter for a "thanks" - especially since, allegedly, you've got
the bankroll to hire one of the pros here who work hard and
sacrifice to learn this skill.

maximus242 · 11-18-2009, 03:54 PM

Okay lets start off. Lose the shirt, wear a real shirt with a tie or a suit. I dont trust a guy who looks like he just got back from hunting to tell me how to make money.

I agree with other dude, WAY to much highlighting

My first instinct is disbelief, you need to have a lot of proof and credibility established early on when you make big ass claims like this. The thousands of dollars claim is believable, living the life ive always dreamed of is pushing it, why should I believe you?

Its says you know it can work for me, how do you know I can start living the life ive always dreamed of?

Get rid of this, weakens the copy, slows it down. "If you want more out of your life I urge you to read this entire letter because I believe it could inspire you to take the necessary steps to drastically change your life in ways you only dream of now."

The story is good, you get a bit too promotional in the middle. I would say I think your price is to high for the quality of your copy. Maybe 39.95 would do it or $19.95 but $100 a month for a guy who makes thousands not millions and then interviews some people, I dono I just dont feel a strong enough desire to part with that much money every month.

If your going to go with that price point I think you need stronger copy. The overall copy is better than most peoples. Its just not good enough for $100 a month. There isnt enough credibility. I see no testimonials, no proof about what other people say about your product.

Your also not taking advantage of using the credibility of the people you interview to the fullest. Really play them up. The copy has a few good things going for it, passion, enthusiasm, a good story, but the rest needs to be tightened up. I dont feel like, if I dont buy this guys product i might not ever get rich. And your prospect needs to feel that before they buy. They need to feel the sword of damoclese ready to fall down on them if they dont buy, I just dont feel a strong urge to buy.

Its like, yes, its nice you did well but it sounds like you succeeded because of other peoples products not because of the product your selling. This would of been a vastly stronger piece of copy if the miracle product that changed your life was the one you were selling.

So, that is the main problem for me. Not enough desire, not enough proof your interviews are worth $100 a month, which is pretty pricey to me compared to products like John Reeses $40 a month subscription. And hes the million dollar man. You need to build more desire and have more proof as to the value of your product.

And paying $1200 a year to make thousands of dollars is not a good proposition. And it will not give me the life I want. I want to make hundreds of millions, why pay over $1000 a year for information on making thousands of dollars a year when I can purchase how to make millions of dollars a year from people who make millions for the same price?

I will say that toning it down makes the proposition believable. But I just dont see any real logical justification for purchasing your product. I dont see the ROI.

11-18-2009, 11:14 AM	#1
Mtkent Warrior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 24 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! Hey there all you sales copy Guru's. I'd like to hear from you about my re-written sales copy. The site is www.thesecretinterview.com. All your reviews/critiques are more than welcome. Just let 'er rip and let me know what you think. I'm converting at 2.8% right now and want it at 5% or better. Thanks, ,Mark.

11-18-2009, 11:46 AM	#2
Loren Woirhaye Who'm I kidding? War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 4,542 Blog Entries: 15 Thanks: 117 Thanked 904 Times in 651 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! Too much yellow. To much "I" chest-beating. Not enough "You" empathy.
	HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Book—FREE! \| The "Automated Free Traffic Formula" ArticleBot Secrets Revealed! Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) CopyWriting Services

11-18-2009, 12:45 PM	#3
Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter Full Frontal Lobe Nudity War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 912 Thanks: 519 Thanked 492 Times in 205 Posts Social Networking	Re: LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! Don't take this the wrong way--you have the right idea, but... Bottom line: You're not good enough at video and print copy yet to make this work for you. Over time you may become good enough, but you will leave loads of money on the table in the mean time. Why do that? Why not do it right the first time? Hire a copywriter who has already researched the market to define your look and feel, advise you on how to make better and more captivating video, to create your video script and write your copy.
	The Miracle Squeeze Page: Scientifically Proven to Convert 84.1% of Visitors into Subscribers Works for Anybody, Any niche - It's so simple you'll wonder why everyone isn't using it Click Here Now to Download It!

11-18-2009, 02:55 PM	#4
Mtkent Warrior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 24 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! I didn't realize it came off that way. I'll clean that up. Thanks.

11-18-2009, 02:56 PM	#5
Mtkent Warrior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 24 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! Kevin if I dropped the video what would you suggest for the copy? Any suggestions are great. Thanks.

11-18-2009, 03:25 PM	#6
Loren Woirhaye Who'm I kidding? War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 4,542 Blog Entries: 15 Thanks: 117 Thanked 904 Times in 651 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! The video is a bit of a yawner - because it's not very specific and you're talking about people I (well, as your hypothetical prospect) I've never heard of... as if I should be excited about them. You have to tell folks not how great you are or how great your mentors are, but what's in it for them! Anyway I would concur with Kevin's comment.... and add that if you're so prosperous and loaded why are you slumming it for help asking for free detailed critiques? I'm just sayin'... because nobody here wants to rewrite your salesletter for a "thanks" - especially since, allegedly, you've got the bankroll to hire one of the pros here who work hard and sacrifice to learn this skill.
	HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Book—FREE! \| The "Automated Free Traffic Formula" ArticleBot Secrets Revealed! Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) CopyWriting Services

11-18-2009, 03:54 PM	#7
maximus242 HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 396 Thanks: 4 Thanked 119 Times in 82 Posts	Re: LET 'ER RIP! NEED YOUR CRITIQUE! Okay lets start off. Lose the shirt, wear a real shirt with a tie or a suit. I dont trust a guy who looks like he just got back from hunting to tell me how to make money. I agree with other dude, WAY to much highlighting My first instinct is disbelief, you need to have a lot of proof and credibility established early on when you make big ass claims like this. The thousands of dollars claim is believable, living the life ive always dreamed of is pushing it, why should I believe you? Its says you know it can work for me, how do you know I can start living the life ive always dreamed of? Get rid of this, weakens the copy, slows it down. "If you want more out of your life I urge you to read this entire letter because I believe it could inspire you to take the necessary steps to drastically change your life in ways you only dream of now." The story is good, you get a bit too promotional in the middle. I would say I think your price is to high for the quality of your copy. Maybe 39.95 would do it or $19.95 but $100 a month for a guy who makes thousands not millions and then interviews some people, I dono I just dont feel a strong enough desire to part with that much money every month. If your going to go with that price point I think you need stronger copy. The overall copy is better than most peoples. Its just not good enough for $100 a month. There isnt enough credibility. I see no testimonials, no proof about what other people say about your product. Your also not taking advantage of using the credibility of the people you interview to the fullest. Really play them up. The copy has a few good things going for it, passion, enthusiasm, a good story, but the rest needs to be tightened up. I dont feel like, if I dont buy this guys product i might not ever get rich. And your prospect needs to feel that before they buy. They need to feel the sword of damoclese ready to fall down on them if they dont buy, I just dont feel a strong urge to buy. Its like, yes, its nice you did well but it sounds like you succeeded because of other peoples products not because of the product your selling. This would of been a vastly stronger piece of copy if the miracle product that changed your life was the one you were selling. So, that is the main problem for me. Not enough desire, not enough proof your interviews are worth $100 a month, which is pretty pricey to me compared to products like John Reeses $40 a month subscription. And hes the million dollar man. You need to build more desire and have more proof as to the value of your product. And paying $1200 a year to make thousands of dollars is not a good proposition. And it will not give me the life I want. I want to make hundreds of millions, why pay over $1000 a year for information on making thousands of dollars a year when I can purchase how to make millions of dollars a year from people who make millions for the same price? I will say that toning it down makes the proposition believable. But I just dont see any real logical justification for purchasing your product. I dont see the ROI.