First attempt at ad copy

ScottAnderson · 11-20-2009, 10:00 AM

Hello all,

I've been working on this ad copy with a friend for .. ever it seems. I read all the Dan Kenedy books and etc., applied as much as I could and this is where it ends. If anyone could shed some thoughts on it, I'd greatly appreciate it. Almost ready for a full launch.

Also, my first attempt at that style of a design - it was hard weeding out all the graphic bells and whistles but I couldn't do the standard sales page template look. I'm so used to designing corporate style pages so this was a challenge - conforming to the long page vs. multi pages and etc.

the squeeze page is here
and to bypass that is the welcome page here

Thank you!

ghyphena · 11-20-2009, 10:32 AM

I have to say... not... bad... at... all...

***Especially*** for a first attempt.

The only things I would point out are:

1. You mention that the price is $179.99 and then it suddenly jumps to $149.99 with no explanation. Unless the $179.99 is a typo you might want to address the change because otherwise, as a consumer who's about to buy something online, I'm freaking out just a little.

2. This whole "limited to 100" thing needs some backup or people will be disinclined to believe you. Maybe if you had a real-live, rolling display of how many were left before the price goes up?

If I were you I would also consider cutting it - scarcity is effective only if they believe you will follow through. Otherwise it hurts credibility.

A good way to make the scarcity believable is to include a solid reason why you're limiting the offer. Stock runs work for physical products but you will need to get a bit more creative if your product is digital.

There are some php scripts available that should let you create real scarcity based on time and quantity limits.

3. Perhaps you specified in the sales letter - I didn't catch what medium the product was in. CDs, manual, e-book...??? Maybe it's just me being completely dense - but if it's really not in the letter then you should think about putting it in to make it clearer to me what I'm actually, physically getting.

4. You mention bonuses in the plural but only offer one. Disconnect.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

Gil-Ad

Loren Woirhaye · 11-20-2009, 10:46 AM

I would lose the YouTube video - the logo is cheesy and makes
you look cheap. Additionally YouTube videos are poorly
optimized for smooth streaming on all but the fastest broadband
connections. All the other free video hosts are pretty much
the same. If you were running another cheesy network marketing
squeeze page, I wouldn't say anything - but you're asking for
a sale on the spot... and claiming to have a lot of capital, so
your video hosting should reflect this, IMO.

ScottAnderson · 11-20-2009, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghyphena

I have to say... not... bad... at... all...

Thanks - a lot!

1. I did have a typo for the 179.99 and 149.99 - thanks for pointing that out. I cut copied and pasted from another domain while split testing the pricing from 179, 129 and 149 I'm trying now.

2. I'm going to go with your suggestion of cutting it out and work on a better way to deliver the urgency - thanks for that.

3. This is a physical package, 3 ring binder, inserts, cd's and all. I will make it more clear in the ad copy

4. The bonuses - that should say bonus (typo) for the time being. What I was thinking of doing was working with Warrior folks and see if anyone had a free product with an upsell for them I could add. spread the wealth kinda thought. Not quite ready to post that yet but will do when I get done with the auto responders

Cheers!

ScottAnderson · 11-20-2009, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

First off, ME UP!

It is not bad. It gets a little wordy in a few places with multiple paragraphs, but some sub heads would easily remedy that.

Yea I agree having been looking at it for so long - I'm going to do the sub heads to break that up a bit as you suggested. Thanks!

ScottAnderson · 11-20-2009, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

I would lose the YouTube video - the logo is cheesy and makes
you look cheap. Additionally YouTube videos are poorly
optimized for smooth streaming on all but the fastest broadband
connections. All the other free video hosts are pretty much
the same. If you were running another cheesy network marketing
squeeze page, I wouldn't say anything - but you're asking for
a sale on the spot... and claiming to have a lot of capital, so
your video hosting should reflect this, IMO.

I had the same thoughts about the youtube videos - my thought there was to use the real testimonials as the target audience i'm shooting for are small businesses, new businesses. I think a better way to do it would be to create a testimonials page, mix it up with text, pictures and videos then, have a nice commercial made, high quality that highlights key features. The video could be about a minute or so long, broken up into 3 segments and at the end of each, "continue down" where the next video/commercial would be.

Thanks!

ADD Marketer · 11-21-2009, 10:33 PM

Congrats bro, it looks pretty good! One thing that I would suggest that you do is like the other members have suggested, is take a testimonials page up there and put it in there with bullets with a list of all the benefits that it has to offer them, make a 'note' to the manager of the small business and then hook it up.

include a post script and then youre all set.

Looks pretty good though.

Do you know which keywords you are targeting on your page?

11-20-2009, 10:00 AM	#1
ScottAnderson HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: East Coast, VA Posts: 120 Thanks: 6 Thanked 7 Times in 4 Posts	First attempt at ad copy Hello all, I've been working on this ad copy with a friend for .. ever it seems. I read all the Dan Kenedy books and etc., applied as much as I could and this is where it ends. If anyone could shed some thoughts on it, I'd greatly appreciate it. Almost ready for a full launch. Also, my first attempt at that style of a design - it was hard weeding out all the graphic bells and whistles but I couldn't do the standard sales page template look. I'm so used to designing corporate style pages so this was a challenge - conforming to the long page vs. multi pages and etc. the squeeze page is here and to bypass that is the welcome page here Thank you!

11-20-2009, 10:32 AM	#2
ghyphena HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Oxford, UK Posts: 170 Blog Entries: 9 Thanks: 16 Thanked 60 Times in 38 Posts Contact Info	Re: First attempt at ad copy I have to say... not... bad... at... all... *Especially* for a first attempt. The only things I would point out are: 1. You mention that the price is $179.99 and then it suddenly jumps to $149.99 with no explanation. Unless the $179.99 is a typo you might want to address the change because otherwise, as a consumer who's about to buy something online, I'm freaking out just a little. 2. This whole "limited to 100" thing needs some backup or people will be disinclined to believe you. Maybe if you had a real-live, rolling display of how many were left before the price goes up? If I were you I would also consider cutting it - scarcity is effective only if they believe you will follow through. Otherwise it hurts credibility. A good way to make the scarcity believable is to include a solid reason why you're limiting the offer. Stock runs work for physical products but you will need to get a bit more creative if your product is digital. There are some php scripts available that should let you create real scarcity based on time and quantity limits. 3. Perhaps you specified in the sales letter - I didn't catch what medium the product was in. CDs, manual, e-book...??? Maybe it's just me being completely dense - but if it's really not in the letter then you should think about putting it in to make it clearer to me what I'm actually, physically getting. 4. You mention bonuses in the plural but only offer one. Disconnect. Hope that helps. Good luck. Gil-Ad
	Gil-Ad Schwartz

11-20-2009, 10:46 AM	#3
Loren Woirhaye Who'm I kidding? War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 4,542 Blog Entries: 15 Thanks: 117 Thanked 904 Times in 651 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First attempt at ad copy I would lose the YouTube video - the logo is cheesy and makes you look cheap. Additionally YouTube videos are poorly optimized for smooth streaming on all but the fastest broadband connections. All the other free video hosts are pretty much the same. If you were running another cheesy network marketing squeeze page, I wouldn't say anything - but you're asking for a sale on the spot... and claiming to have a lot of capital, so your video hosting should reflect this, IMO.
	HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Book—FREE! \| The "Automated Free Traffic Formula" ArticleBot Secrets Revealed! Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) CopyWriting Services

11-21-2009, 10:33 PM	#7
ADD Marketer Warrior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 4 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: First attempt at ad copy Congrats bro, it looks pretty good! One thing that I would suggest that you do is like the other members have suggested, is take a testimonials page up there and put it in there with bullets with a list of all the benefits that it has to offer them, make a 'note' to the manager of the small business and then hook it up. include a post script and then youre all set. Looks pretty good though. Do you know which keywords you are targeting on your page?