Shoot Down My Sales Page Please!

thadbong · 11-27-2009, 01:15 PM

Hi Copywriters,

I've just created my optin and sales page, would really appreciate any feedback.

[closed] <-- Thanks! I think I've got the feedback I need.

Thanks guys!

Kevin Birch · 11-27-2009, 01:53 PM

Hi - it looks as if there is a typo in your main page url . . .

Kevin

Scott Murdaugh · 11-27-2009, 03:55 PM

Here's the link to your main sales letter... 9 Days

I'll come back in a bit and see if I can find some time to go over it.

-Scott

The Copy Nazi · 11-28-2009, 02:55 AM

This is weak. Could be a lot better - "Discover Your Life Passion And Live With Purpose"

If You're Not Loving Life, If You Hate Your Job, If You Crave Success And Happiness, Read On...

Here's a quote for you from Henry David Thoreau, “Most men live a life of quiet desperation".Maybe the headline would be better with something like that? Spin it into

"Most People Live a Life Of Quiet Desperation"

Are you one of them? Here's how to turn your life around

thadbong · 11-28-2009, 10:41 AM

WHOA. Blown away. Thanks for that, where do I send the cheque?

Seriously though, that's a fantastic suggestion. I really, really appreciate it. Really. Thanks for taking the time, you're a quality person in a quality community.

Peter.Anthony · 11-28-2009, 09:23 PM

First thing that struck me: why is the word tired underlined?

thadbong · 11-29-2009, 12:14 AM

Comments taken on board Copy Warriors! Awesome, awesome feedback. I've made changes to my opt-in and sales pages to reflect the following points:

1. Yes, I used I A LOT. That's not good. It's all about the prospect and the problems they are facing and what they can do to solve them, which is buy my product. Thanks Mark.

2. Weak headline on both opt-in and sales page. Doesn't capture the attention of the prospect OR paint the picture of the benefits for the prospect. Changed both. You can see the revised headlines here. One will look VERY familiar. Thanks Metro.

[edit] <-- closed, Thanks All!

3. Removed the word tired altogether from the pre-headline. That's not exactly the first state of mind I want to plant in my prospect is it? Thanks Peter.

A couple more changes I made:

1. Made it very clear to the prospect what I wanted from them, which is to enter their details into the form. Made it very clear to the prospect what will happen next, which is them being taken to the sales page where they will find out how to turn their life around. Added a continuity from optin headline to sales pre-headline. This is to eliminate the potential misunderstanding that the solutions are found in the free reports.

2. Rewrote the headlines of my chapters to all be ' The # ___ to (insert benefit here)' and adjusted the benefit bullets on my sales page accordingly. This is one thing that I picked up in my article/blog post writing - this powerful headline format increases clicks by A LOT. Probably basic to anyone with any experience in article writing/marketing but I'll just state the obvious because it wasn't obvious to me at the start.

Again, thanks for all your help so far, you guys seriously ROCK.

Again, I'd like to invite you to SHOOT DOWN my sales page. Don't pull any punches people.

I'll be putting a post in the main forum to remind people like me who are starting out about the tremendous feedback that they can get by inviting others to critique their site.

MillionaireMonkey · 11-29-2009, 11:19 AM

Just a small typo you didn't catch. "discover your purposein..." There's a space between purpose in.

thadbong · 11-29-2009, 06:38 PM

Thanks MM! I'll get right on it.

kcnck · 11-29-2009, 07:25 PM

My man ,Great improvement.I was blown away.I just wanted to buy it.

thadbong · 11-29-2009, 10:59 PM

Awesome! What's stopping you?

Daniel Scott · 11-30-2009, 02:07 AM

I think your biggest problem is your whole approach.

I understand what you're selling... kind of... but I don't care.

You need to clarify your USP... and figure out what it is your market REALLY wants.

Energy, enjoyment, and excitement? Buzzwords that don't mean a terrible lot.

Figure out what your market really care about... and talk about that.

-Dan

Ross Bowring · 12-01-2009, 09:06 PM

A few visual things...

The cute girl you use as your iconic image is cute and all, but she doesn't exactly reek of passion or purpose. Maybe some kind of social celebratory scene would be more apt.

Your own photo should be taken with you facing the other way. This way your eyes and posture leads the reader into the first sentence.

On your opt in page....

Shorten those paragraphs for readability. The first sale is to sell people on reading your page. You do this by making it look like an easy read.

Hope this helps,

Ross

thadbong · 12-02-2009, 11:32 AM

Excellent comments. I'll be taking them on board and working in the improvements ASAP.

MillionaireMonkey · 12-02-2009, 11:44 AM

Looks great!

thadbong · 12-02-2009, 02:00 PM

Completely revamped sales page. Compare them /index1.html (new) and /index1backup.html (old) and let me know your thoughts as to which is better.

Ross: Flipped the photo to face the other way. Other comments taken on board.

Bizzy & Daniel: Adopted a different approach as recommended. Your thoughts?

Thanks for all the contributions so far. Really appreciating it!

11-27-2009, 01:15 PM	#1
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Hi Copywriters, I've just created my optin and sales page, would really appreciate any feedback. [closed] <-- Thanks! I think I've got the feedback I need. Thanks guys!
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-

11-27-2009, 01:53 PM	#2
Kevin Birch Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Manchester, UK . . .but I would rather be elsewhere! Posts: 1,453 Thanks: 32 Thanked 36 Times in 29 Posts Contact Info	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Hi - it looks as if there is a typo in your main page url . . . Kevin
	Owing to hackers - signature is temporarily retired

11-27-2009, 03:55 PM	#3
Scott Murdaugh ResultsCopywriting.com War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Diego, Ca Posts: 916 Thanks: 296 Thanked 600 Times in 218 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Here's the link to your main sales letter... 9 Days I'll come back in a bit and see if I can find some time to go over it. -Scott
	Done-For-You Offline Client Attraction System By Top Copywriter... How I Consistently Produce Double-Digit Conversion Rates For My Copywriting Clients...

11-28-2009, 02:55 AM	#4
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,483 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 790 Thanked 1,479 Times in 700 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! This is weak. Could be a lot better - "Discover Your Life Passion And Live With Purpose" If You're Not Loving Life, If You Hate Your Job, If You Crave Success And Happiness, Read On... Here's a quote for you from Henry David Thoreau, “Most men live a life of quiet desperation".Maybe the headline would be better with something like that? Spin it into "Most People Live a Life Of Quiet Desperation" Are you one of them? Here's how to turn your life around

11-28-2009, 10:41 AM	#5
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! WHOA. Blown away. Thanks for that, where do I send the cheque? Seriously though, that's a fantastic suggestion. I really, really appreciate it. Really. Thanks for taking the time, you're a quality person in a quality community.
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-

11-28-2009, 09:23 PM	#6
Peter.Anthony Active Warrior Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 51 Thanks: 5 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Contact Info	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! First thing that struck me: why is the word tired underlined?
	Great eBooks at a great price! Email me for a quote or work samples. peter@bridge-city-marketing.com Peter Anthony

11-29-2009, 12:14 AM	#7
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Comments taken on board Copy Warriors! Awesome, awesome feedback. I've made changes to my opt-in and sales pages to reflect the following points: 1. Yes, I used I A LOT. That's not good. It's all about the prospect and the problems they are facing and what they can do to solve them, which is buy my product. Thanks Mark. 2. Weak headline on both opt-in and sales page. Doesn't capture the attention of the prospect OR paint the picture of the benefits for the prospect. Changed both. You can see the revised headlines here. One will look VERY familiar. Thanks Metro. [edit] <-- closed, Thanks All! 3. Removed the word tired altogether from the pre-headline. That's not exactly the first state of mind I want to plant in my prospect is it? Thanks Peter. A couple more changes I made: 1. Made it very clear to the prospect what I wanted from them, which is to enter their details into the form. Made it very clear to the prospect what will happen next, which is them being taken to the sales page where they will find out how to turn their life around. Added a continuity from optin headline to sales pre-headline. This is to eliminate the potential misunderstanding that the solutions are found in the free reports. 2. Rewrote the headlines of my chapters to all be ' The # ___ to (insert benefit here)' and adjusted the benefit bullets on my sales page accordingly. This is one thing that I picked up in my article/blog post writing - this powerful headline format increases clicks by A LOT. Probably basic to anyone with any experience in article writing/marketing but I'll just state the obvious because it wasn't obvious to me at the start. Again, thanks for all your help so far, you guys seriously ROCK. Again, I'd like to invite you to SHOOT DOWN my sales page. Don't pull any punches people. I'll be putting a post in the main forum to remind people like me who are starting out about the tremendous feedback that they can get by inviting others to critique their site.
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-

11-29-2009, 11:19 AM	#8
MillionaireMonkey Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Washington DC Posts: 52 Thanks: 12 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Just a small typo you didn't catch. "discover your purposein..." There's a space between purpose in.

11-29-2009, 06:38 PM	#9
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Thanks MM! I'll get right on it.
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-

11-29-2009, 07:25 PM	#10
kcnck Warrior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Bangalore Posts: 26 Thanks: 4 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! My man ,Great improvement.I was blown away.I just wanted to buy it.

11-29-2009, 10:59 PM	#11
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Awesome! What's stopping you?
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-

11-30-2009, 02:07 AM	#12
Daniel Scott The Cake Is A Lie War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Mackay, QLD, Australia Posts: 2,199 Thanks: 298 Thanked 683 Times in 390 Posts Contact Info	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! I think your biggest problem is your whole approach. I understand what you're selling... kind of... but I don't care. You need to clarify your USP... and figure out what it is your market REALLY wants. Energy, enjoyment, and excitement? Buzzwords that don't mean a terrible lot. Figure out what your market really care about... and talk about that. -Dan
	Do You Want YOUR Next Launch to Pull in $164 249.59 of PURE PROFIT in just one week? Click here to discover how I can make it happen...

12-01-2009, 09:06 PM	#13
Ross Bowring Cash Creating Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Philadelphia, USA Posts: 722 Thanks: 588 Thanked 637 Times in 220 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! A few visual things... The cute girl you use as your iconic image is cute and all, but she doesn't exactly reek of passion or purpose. Maybe some kind of social celebratory scene would be more apt. Your own photo should be taken with you facing the other way. This way your eyes and posture leads the reader into the first sentence. On your opt in page.... Shorten those paragraphs for readability. The first sale is to sell people on reading your page. You do this by making it look like an easy read. Hope this helps, Ross
	PLUS... X-Rated Copywriting Secrets EXPOSED.

12-02-2009, 11:32 AM	#14
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Excellent comments. I'll be taking them on board and working in the improvements ASAP.
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-

12-02-2009, 11:44 AM	#15
MillionaireMonkey Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Washington DC Posts: 52 Thanks: 12 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Looks great!

12-02-2009, 02:00 PM	#16
thadbong Founder FxPLR.com War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 180 Thanks: 43 Thanked 49 Times in 31 Posts Social Networking	Re: Shoot Down My Sales Page Please! Completely revamped sales page. Compare them /index1.html (new) and /index1backup.html (old) and let me know your thoughts as to which is better. Ross: Flipped the photo to face the other way. Other comments taken on board. Bizzy & Daniel: Adopted a different approach as recommended. Your thoughts? Thanks for all the contributions so far. Really appreciating it!
	Forex PLR Articles - Guaranteed To Deliver Value, Build Credibility & Position You As The Expert In Your Niche Latest Blog Post - "3 Ways To Profit From Forex PLR" -> [Free Forex PLR WSO] 5 Forex PLR Articles To Cash In On This Starving Niche <-